Dear Doctor Sharon: How Can I Empower My Teen with ADHD During 504/IEP Meetings?
How to Talk to Your Teen About ADHD: A Guide for Parents on Explaining, Empowering, and Navigating 504/IEP Meetings
Dear Dr. Sharon –
My 15 year old attended her first school 504 meeting as the High School likes to have them in attendance. I’ve never told her ‘she has ADHD’ directly and am wondering if you have suggestions on how to tell and explain what she has and how it impacts her in life. I want it to be informative, age appropriate and positive. What do you think about having high school students attend their 504 or IEP meetings? – Oscar, Indiana
Dear Oscar,
First off, let me say that it’s wonderful that you’re seeking to support your 15-year-old in understanding her ADHD. In my experience as a parent, advocate, and psychologist, I can tell you that opening the conversation about ADHD with your teen is one of the most important steps you can take to help her not only understand herself better, but also to empower her as she navigates school and life. It’s a delicate conversation, and it’s normal to feel unsure about how to approach it. You’re definitely not alone in this, and I’m here to help guide you.
Before we dive in, let’s start with your question about 504 meetings. If this is your first one, or for a deeper dive on the subject, my earlier blog post this year is
a great guide! As we are approaching the midpoint of the school year, these meeting invitations will start coming at you fast and furious! Now is a perfect time of year to pause, assess, and reset before planning and participating in this annual process.
The idea of having high school students attend their own 504 or IEP meetings can seem intimidating, but research has shown that it can be incredibly beneficial for students. In fact, students who participate in their own meetings are better at advocating for themselves and understanding the accommodations that will help them succeed. This can be especially true for teens with ADHD, who may face unique challenges when it comes to time management, focus, and organization.
But before your teen attends that meeting, you’ll want to have an honest conversation with her about what ADHD is and how it impacts her life. So, let’s break down how you can approach this.
STEP 1: How to Explain ADHD to your Teen
The first thing to keep in mind is that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. This means that it’s something your teen is born with, not something she “catches” or can control through willpower alone. I always recommend explaining ADHD in terms that your teen can relate to — maybe even with a little humor. For example, you could say:
“Imagine your brain is like a TV, and ADHD is like having too many channels on 
at once. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on just one thing because your mind’s flipping between all these different channels. It’s not that you’re not trying, but it’s just harder to concentrate.”
This metaphor can help normalize the experience of ADHD. Teens, especially, often feel like something is “wrong” with them when they struggle in school or with staying organized. Framing ADHD in a way that feels less like a “deficit” and more like a unique wiring of the brain is key to maintaining their self-esteem.
Another important point is to emphasize that ADHD isn’t all bad! There are plenty of strengths associated with ADHD, such as creativity, hyperfocus (when she can really get into something she loves), and being able to think outside the box. By acknowledging both the challenges and the strengths, you create a more balanced and empowering conversation.
STEP 2: Why It’s Important for Teens to Attend Their Own 504/IEP Meetings
Now, let’s talk about the 504 meeting itself. The idea of having a high school student attend her own meeting may feel like throwing her into the deep end, but it can actually be incredibly empowering for her. By participating in these meetings, teens learn to advocate for themselves, understand the accommodations that can make a difference, and gain a sense of ownership over their education.
One of the key benefits of involving students in these meetings is that it gives them a voice in how their accommodations are set up. According to the U.S. Department of Education, students who are included in the decision-making process are more likely to feel engaged in their education and motivated to follow through on their accommodations.
Plus, let’s be honest — as a parent, you probably don’t want to be the one 
explaining everything forever…and your daughter doesn’t want to always be on the receiving end of your explanations. Giving your teen the chance to attend these meetings also takes some of the burden off you in the future. It teaches her to speak up, ask for help when needed, and communicate her needs effectively. These skills will serve her well beyond high school, in her personal or professional pursuits.
STEP 3: The Role of Parents in the Process
Of course, as a parent, you still play a huge role in this process. The goal isn’t to drop your teen into the meeting without preparation, but to gradually help her become an active participant in her learning process. To make this transition smoother, here are a few tips:
- Prepare Together: Before the meeting, sit down with your teen and go over what will be discussed. Help her understand the types of accommodations that might be available (extra time on tests, breaking assignments into smaller tasks, etc.) and why these can help her succeed. This also gives your teen the opportunity to voice any concerns or preferences.
- Encourage Open Communication: Remind your teen that this meeting is about her education and well-being. Encourage her to ask questions or share anything she feels would help her learn more effectively. It’s okay if she’s nervous — this is a learning process.
- Be Supportive, Not Overbearing: Give your teen space to speak for herself, but be there to support her. If she gets stuck or needs help clarifying something, step in gently. This will teach her that she’s not alone in the process, but also that she’s in control.
- Focus on the Positive: Remind your teen that ADHD doesn’t mean she isn’t capable or intelligent. It just means she may need to do things a little differently than others. Reinforce her strengths and let her know that this meeting is about making sure she has everything she needs to succeed.
MY FINAL THOUGHTS
Talking to your teen about ADHD and involving her in her 504 or IEP meetings is a huge step toward empowering her to take control of her education. The more you encourage her to engage with the process and advocate for her needs, the better equipped she’ll be to navigate the challenges that come with ADHD.
Remember, ADHD doesn’t define who she is. It’s just one part of the whole person she is becoming. With your support, your teen can turn what may seem like a struggle into an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.
Remember…
- Be patient. Understanding ADHD takes time. Your teen may not fully grasp everything at once, but continued conversations will help.
- Stay positive and open. Your attitude toward ADHD will set the tone for how your teen views it.
- Let your teen lead. The more she takes ownership of her learning and self-advocacy, the more confident she will become.
Best of luck to you both — and know that you’re doing an incredible job!
