Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Hyperfocus frequently occurs during a fun or interesting activity, and it often crops up without conscious intent. Your concentration is captivated by something, and, although your attention can be channeled into have-to tasks, it can be drawn towards unproductive, procrastinating activities, too. That’s part of what makes it both exhilarating and frustrating.
Many people with ADHD see hyperfocus as a superpower: it’s a state of mind that fosters unusual productivity through total absorption in a task. But some folks also see it as a weakness: it accounts for vast periods of time spent on distractions to dodge unpleasant responsibilities. Hyperfocus, it seems, is a double-edged sword: a great capacity for effective performance on interesting, high-value tasks on the one side, and a great capacity for avoiding things by disappearing into pleasurable distractions on the other. By nurturing executive functioning skills such as prioritization, time management and self-awareness, you can harness the power of your hyperfocus more efficiently.
Being aware of where you are directing your attention, and for how long, is an important step in addressing hyperfocus. Focus is a dynamic process of choosing what is critical to notice, attempt or recall. Where you direct your focus is akin to pointing the spotlight of your attention on something. Hyperfocus is an amplified type of focus, where you can be totally captivated on something until you are interrupted or just lose interest. Many folks with ADHD may not notice when the hyperfocus episode begins but become aware when they return from it. Perhaps this happens to you: you’re not sure where the time went, and you don’t really have a plan for re-entry or catching up. You can cope with these moments of disorientation by learning to be as intentional about what you’re not going to concentrate on as what you are going to do.
To improve any type of focus, begin to notice where it is and where it isn’t. This is more difficult than it sounds, and, when somebody is stressed, anxious or depressed, it’s even tougher. Marla, a twenty year old sophomore in college who struggled with panic attacks, complained to me about her required writing course and her distractability: “It’s boring, I hate writing, and the teacher has a monotonous voice that puts me to sleep. I pay attention to any little thing except what’s going on and then, when he calls on me, I am totally lost and embarrassed.” I asked her to make a list of things that distracted her in that class and to bring it to my office for the next session. She reported that, just by noticing where her attention went, she was able to bring herself back to the class discussion more often, and even made a few relevant comments. Paying attention to where your attention goes is similarly effective in handling hyperfocus episodes.
The experience of hyperfocus differs widely from person to person, because it vacillates from being a helpful tool for productivity and an effective way to escape. Self-care activities such as eating, drinking and using the bathroom may be postponed for hours, resulting in low blood sugar, irritability and fatigue. 
Kieran, age 25, says: “Hyperfocus is confusing. It’s the only time when I get to be more productive at work than anybody else. I can do more in three hours than my neurotypical colleagues get done in twice that time. But, at home, sometimes I zone out while gaming and forget to check my phone for texts or even go to sleep. Then, I’m exhausted the next day.”
Ellie, age 40, explains the value and challenges of hyperfocus: “Hyperfocus is the only time that I feel truly alive. My brain is fully engaged, 100%, time stops, and I’m flying along. But my partner or my co-workers have to poke me in the arm to remind me about lunch or a big meeting. At the end of a good day, with a lot accomplished, I can feel quite energized.”
Although you may finish tasks, some aspects of hyperfocus do not foster healthy productivity. This can be challenging for kids, teens and adults who experience hyperfocus. However, tools for coping with hyperfocus and managing it more mindfully can improve with practice and experience. Michayla, age 33, has learned how to manage hyperfocus better as she has gotten older: “Hyperfocus is when I can do a single task without getting distracted and think only about it. But I also lose touch with my body and don’t notice that I’m hungry, thirsty or need to use the bathroom. As a child, I had so many bladder infections because I never stopped to go to the bathroom. On my home videos, I always have this little pink liquid and a straw with me. It’s an antibiotic. That’s how many bladder infections I had. Now, I stop to go to the bathroom, have a drink or eat something so I don’t get dizzy.”
Everybody experiences flow states at one time or another that are triggered by internal motivation and external situations. These flow states–often called ‘being in the zone,’ refer to heightened intuition and performance, where decisions happen automatically and creative breakthroughs occur. They are positive, desirable and can be cultivated and planned for. Hyperfocus, on the other hand, is typically experienced by people with ADHD and stems from challenges with handling the direction of focus and the depth of attention. Hyperfocus is more unpredictable, it appears intermittently, and it’s usefulness varies. When hyperfocus is helpful, it’s usually because somebody has entered into a temporary flow state. If you can identify the difference between your personal states of flow and hyperfocus, you’re more likely to optimize your productivity.
Learn more about your pattern of hyperfocus by increasing self-awareness.
Notice when you tend to engage in hyperfocus by examining the situation, the environment and your motivation. Are you focusing on an interesting task or avoiding something unappealing? This type of reflection will increase your capacity for metacognition, helping you monitor when hyperfocus takes over. Thoughtful self-evaluation will also help you take action to exit from an episode.
Do a brain dump of all of the tasks in front of you for the day or the week. Then, make another, shorter list where you order the tasks in terms of urgency (do it now because of a deadline) or importance (value and satisfaction with less pressure). Then, break down your day into blocks of time, and assign the urgent tasks first, followed by the important ones. Limit the quantity of the tasks into each block of time so you can reach your goals and feel accomplishment. You can limit the number of tasks by flagging the ones that can be rolled over into tomorrow.
Use tools to increase your awareness of time and how it passes. Set up several alerts, using a variety of tools–your phone, your computer, banners across the screen, analog clocks or timers. Work in intervals with planned, structured breaks to keep yourself on track and limit the negative aspects of hyperfocus.
You don’t have to address the challenging, over-absorbing aspects of hyperfocus alone! Instead, ask someone in your life to check in with you at times when you are prone to hyperfocus. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, or someone you met at an ADHD support group. This can help you break up these hyperfocus periods. If this person also has ADHD, you can support each other with this practice. Helping somebody else with their hyperfocus can assist you with your own focus regulation as well. 
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With the start of a new year comes an opportunity to pivot. This year, I’m recommending that you eliminate the word ‘failure’ from any description of your parenting and replace it with ‘efforting.’ Failure is generally defined as a lack of success, and there’s a finality associated with it that doesn’t really apply to the long-haul process of parenting. Parenting is a journey marked by highs and lows, joy and frustration, closeness and disconnection. Parenting a child or teen with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety, depression, addiction or other issues means redefining success from what’s put forth in social media, television or films to what makes sense for your family and your particular situation.
For many neurodiverse families, parenting ‘successfully’ may mean nurturing a child who accepts their neurodivergent brain, identifies personal strengths and talents, has decent-to-positive self-esteem, and learns strategies for managing the tasks of daily living. It may not center on grades, athletics or other conventional accomplishments. This is a tall order that takes time, repetition, practice and patience. It has nothing to do with the failure mentality of fixed mindsets. Efforting reflects a growth mindset: You try something, see what happens, make adjustments, and try again. Efforting reflects the adage “Practice makes perfect,” rather than assuming that anything less than perfection indicates defeat.
Being perfect as a parent is a myth that is unachievable and toxic to self-worth. Perfectionists tend to over-focus on the end result and not the process of getting there. They discount the learning that’s happening and fixate on the accomplishment. But without meeting the end goal, there’s a perception of failure. Instead of worrying about why you can’t make things the way you think they should be, focus on the steadiness of your efforting. This helps you accept your humanity, because the reality is that you will stumble as a parent. It’s how you recover from these fumbles that is worth your time and focus.
Sadly, guilt and shame are often the first responses of parents of neurodivergent kids. 
Guilt refers to something that you did. It can lead people to amend their errors, be accountable and make a change. You may feel guilty and say to yourself, “I wish I hadn’t done that” or, “That was a poor choice. Ugh.” You can be accountable for your mistakes, apologize, make amends if appropriate, and move on. Shame, on the other hand, refers to who you are. It pushes people to hide or deny their mistakes and engage in self-loathing. Shame leads people to say negative statements such as, “I’m a bad mother, because I did that” or, “I’m not good enough.” Shame spirals are toxic reactions based on feelings of deficiency that ultimately don’t serve you or your kids. Address these insecurities by practicing self-compassion. Accept that you, like everybody else, will mess up periodically! Stop blaming yourself for things that you can’t control, honor what is, and focus on what you can actually influence.
Of course, as parents, we don’t want to see our kids struggle. Their pain is so often our pain. It’s lousy to witness your child or teen wrestle with academic, social or emotional issues. You may do your best to ensure that their learning, emotional and physical needs are being met. Yet, they will still experience disappointment, frustration, sadness and jealousy along the winding path of childhood and adolescence to adulthood. That’s normal! Our job as parents is to be present, so we can meet our kids where they are–without always fixing things. This, however, is tough for many of us. 
Make a different choice as part of your efforting: Offer your support, your availability for a conversation, or your willingness to do something of their choice. Loving them, letting them figure certain things out, and asking for your opinion is more effective for building self-esteem and self-confidence than telling them what to do.
President Teddy Roosevelt famously said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In redefining success for yourself as a parent of a neurodivergent child or teen, you’ll surely benefit from avoiding comparisons on social media based on seeing what other people’s crafted lives look like. When you cut back on the habit of ‘compare and despair,’ you’ll reduce judgment, feel better about yourself, and replace self-criticism with positive self-talk.
Here’s a list of ten phrases for you to use as you take ‘failure’ out of your mindset and your vocabulary: 1. I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have available to me right now. 
2. I am open to being positive and ready for whatever happens. 3. I have the tools I need, and, if I don’t, I have the ability to find them. 4. It is okay if I make mistakes. Parenting my kids didn’t come with an instruction manual. 5. I will not compare my insides to someone else’s outsides: their struggles may be hidden. 6. I can make a different choice at any moment. 7. I can be my best self in the world and stumble sometimes. 8. Two steps forward and one step back is still forward motion. 9. I don’t have all of the answers, and I am not supposed to. I am learning every day. 10. Oops, there I go again. Let’s pause, regroup and pivot!
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“In this episode, Dr. Saline and [Brendan] talk about the effects of the pandemic on children and families. We discuss the data on mental health pre- and post-pandemic, moral injury, the effect it is having on social skills, and ways to manage the anxiety we’re all experiencing.” Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at adhdessentials.podbean.com.
Dr. Saline’s “What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew” was chosen Best for Parents.“If you are tired of feeling so much stress in your life, the start of a new year and pressures to create resolutions may only add more tension. These promises for a “better” 2022 often fail because people with ADHD aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about performance, and struggle with how to follow through on their goals. Instead of helping, your goals end up being frustrating: They demonstrate yet another way that you can’t measure up and simply add more tension to your days.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
Originally broadcasted here at wwlp.com.https://www.wwlp.com/massappeal/your-tweens-first-crush-what-can-a-parent-do/
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