Month: February 2022

ADHD and Self-Sabotage: 6 supportive strategies to help you feel more confident and reach more goals

Woman by window calm and focusedSelf-sabotage is the negative self-talk that prevents us from believing we can do things. It can be conscious or unconscious and can keep us from setting, working towards and reaching our goals. It holds us back from doing what we want to do. Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable or unintelligent contribute to self-sabotage. These deep-seated, limiting core beliefs fuel fears about performance and result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety and depression. That’s why it’s so important to counter negativity with encouragement, support and self-love.

Self-Sabotage and ADHD 

boy hanging head down Feelings of shame and self-doubt often surface early on for those with ADHD. The shame about not being able to succeed at school or handle tasks as well as others starts early in life and continues into adulthood. Children with ADHD feel “different” from their peers, which may fill them with increasing feelings of nervousness, doubt and uneasiness. Over time, personal vigilance grows into anxiety about messing up and not measuring up. Embarrassment and shame lead to a desire to avoid that insecurity and pain at all costs. Attempts to avoid pain or embarrassment often manifest as self-sabotaging behaviors.

Signs of Self-Sabotage

There are a number of behaviors and modes of thought which are indicative of self-sabotage. Take a little time to self-reflect and determine whether you are negatively affected by the self-sabotaging indicators below: 

  • Avoidance: Staying away from people or situations that cause discomfort
  • Procrastination: Putting off getting things done because of a fear of failure
  • Fixed mindset: Believing that you can’t change and your abilities will not improve; blaming and shaming yourself for mistakes you may have made
  • Exercising control over others: Attempting to control others’ behaviors or situations that seem uncertain and provoke your anxietycycle of negativity: Negative thoughts > Upset Feelings > Unhelpful Behavior
  • Pleasing others at your own expense: Making choices to be accepted or liked by people, even if they go against your values or better judgments; depending on others for validation and approval
  • Engaging in risky behaviors: Harming yourself through substance abuse, gambling, sexual promiscuity, cutting, eating disorders, etc.
  • Using “Compare and Despair” to your own detriment: Looking at what others do, and comparing yourself negatively to them
  • Perfectionism: Trying to control outcomes as a way to manage anxiety; “letting perfect be the enemy of good enough”; needlessly getting caught up in the weeds or building obstacles where they don’t need to be; looking for the one perfect solution instead of taking steps forward, even if not under ideal conditions

Tools to Address Self-Sabotage

Even though it may seem like self-sabotage is a lot to deal with, it is possible to manage and even overcome self-sabotaging tendencies. Some approaches, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), are longer term treatments. But there are several tools and mindful awareness exercises you can practice any time to help manage self-sabotaging thinking day-to-day.

1. Establish healthier alternatives to limiting beliefs, negative self-talk and safety-seeking behaviors

Practice mindfulness by focusing on being present and aware of your thoughts instead of letting preoccupation and worries what other people think about you distract you. Pay attention to what’s happening around you in the present moment instead of noise in your head. A paper with the words "positive" and "negative" on it, with a red pen circling "positive."

Sometimes we find ourselves being pulled into a cycle of negativity, worry, predicted failure or harsh self-judgment. In these cases, reverse course by slowing down and identifying any negative beliefs. Recall positive outcomes that have occurred before, and remind yourself that they are possible again. Encourage yourself to power through.

“If I get stuck, I sometimes do better if I can commit to starting and working on a task for 15 minutes. It is good to negotiate with yourself, and build in rewards for following through.”

2. Identify phrases of self-sabotage, and create rebuttals

When your “negative brain” tells you, “You’re not good enough, why bother?” train your “positive brain” to answer, “Don’t underestimate yourself–give it a try and see what happens!” Create your own list of encouraging phrases to use when you want to cut the negative self-talk short. Remember, you are not your thoughts, but you are the one who is aware of them. You can choose not to believe them or push them back with the power of positive thinking. This takes work and a lot of practice, so expect yourself to stumble and have setbacks. Forget about “compare and despair,” and looking sideways at what others are doing. Instead, look at where you’ve come from and where you want to go. “When my brain is working against me, I find ways to increase dopamine or just rest if that is really what I need and eliminate the perceived judgment of other people.”

3. Set small behavioral goals that are low risk experiments to build confidence

My goals graphic These are learning experiences that test/defy those negative self-beliefs. Take a measured risk based on previous successes. For example, if you are anxious about attending a social gathering, set a small goal for yourself, such as “I’m going to smile at new people.” Once you’re comfortable with smiling, take it up a notch with a goal such as “I’m going to talk to 1-2 people standing alone” or “I will focus on the conversation in the moment and make a reflective or topic-related comment.” Afterwards, assess how the situation went and how you felt. Did you have conversations that may have been awkward but weren’t damaged by them? Write a journal entry or voice memo about your experience and what you learned from it.

4. Adjust expectations to include the natural stumbles of being human; separate your ADHD brain from your character

Because of your ADHD, your thoughts may have a tendency to run away from you, making them harder to get back and control. Train your attention to move away from negativity and internal noise. We can’t turn off these thoughts entirely, but we can lower the volume on them and see them as background noise. You’re only human, so you will make mistakes and feel awkward time-to-time. Your ADHD brain may make things tougher to manage, but you are still a good, worthy and capable person who has a lot to offer. “ADHD doesn’t make me less of a person or less valid. It makes me a different sort of person who is still valid and valuable.”

5. Use a growth mindset approach

group high fiveShift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as less than. Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of “YET.”  Tell yourself, “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.” Practice kindness and patience towards yourself.

6. Healing meditation

Picture yourself at a beautiful spot outside. Visualize the face of someone you really love. What encouraging words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Write these down, and meditate on these images and words whenever you need to heal or empower yourself. Living with ADHD means experiencing moments when you’re aware that you are struggling or have messed up, but you don’t necessarily know why or how to fix it. This can develop into persistent worry and self-sabotage, and this anxiety can overpower us. Focus on building up your reserve of positive experiences, and, in turn, you’ll begin to minimize those pesky negative thoughts. A combination of CBT and mindful awareness practices can help. And, if we go back to basics, self-care is a powerful antidote to self-sabotage. So remember, be kind and loving toward yourself today and every day.

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Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel: Stop the Self-Sabotage: How to Support Yourself with Love https://youtu.be/nphiSl0ka30 Deeper Dive – Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/anxiety/

 

Taking Control, The ADHD Podcast: Call Out Your Stinking Thinking! ADHD & Self-Compassion with Dr. Sharon Saline

Dr. Sharon Saline joins Nikki Kinzer and Pete Wright on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast!

Taking Control The ADHD Podcast logo “We’d never heard of the phrase stinking thinking until Sharon Saline used it with us on the show this week. But we knew what it meant immediately. We live with it. It’s the thinking we use about ourselves when we’re compromised or when our reserves of resiliency have been tapped, and when what we need more than anything else is just a little bit of self-compassion. But as ADHDers, finding self-compassion isn’t always natural. We have to make a practice of it, integrating the language and behaviors of compassion into our days and hours such that when we need it, it’s not so hard to find…” Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at TakeControlADHD.com.

Psychology Today: ADHD and Self-Awareness

How to improve metacognition and nurture resilience.

“Do you ever struggle with evaluating how you are doing in real-time and pivoting appropriately? Metacognition, also known as self-awareness, is a key executive functioning skill that coalesces in the late twenties for people with ADHD. It refers to processes related to understanding your thinking and thought processes to improve learning and performance. It’s a way to think about your thinking.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!

ADDitude Free Download: The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making

The Eisenhower Matrix for ADHD Decision-Making

The Eisenhower Matrix is a simple, effective decision-making tool for determining which tasks deserve our immediate action, our long-term attention, our delegation skills, and our circular bins.

What Is the Eisenhower Matrix?

“It’s human nature. When a fire sparks up, we drop everything to fight it. But in our ADHD lives, there are little fires everywhere. And we get so busy extinguishing flames sometimes that we can spend a whole day — maybe a week — spinning around and around in a mess of fire retardant. We’re exhausted but have nothing to show for our time or energy. If this sounds familiar, let me introduce you to the Eisenhower Matrix, a decision-making tool devised by the 34th President of the United States — a five-star general who accomplished a dizzying amount of important work in his two terms. Use the chart below to help determine which flare-ups could be delegated or ignored, and which ones actually deserve your precious attention.”

Get the free download here!

When Kids with ADHD Have Oppositional Reactions: Moving past ‘No’ with the PAUSE program

Bad boy on blue blanket background. Angry child with the word "NO" around him.With all of the frustration, disappointment and restriction children and teens with ADHD are feeling these days, it’s even harder for them to self-regulate at school or at home. They may lose their temper more quickly, say inappropriate things, and refuse requests to finish chores or stop gaming. How can you respond to these oppositional reactions with strategies beyond yelling, taking things away, or banishing them from your sight? What are some choices that promote stability in the home and connection in the parent-child relationship? My PAUSE program–Plan to Accept, Understand, Set Limits and Encourage–can help you and your child better connect, communicate and find solutions.

‘No’ – A familiar story

Recently, I was in my office with Kieran–an eighth grade boy who was complaining about being bored after school to his mom, Tara, and me. “There’s nothing to do except gaming, and you only let me do that for an hour. What else am I supposed to do?” His mom gently suggested going back to some activities that had previously interested him—guitar lessons, indoor soccer, swim team, improvisational theater classes. “No, no, no.” His mom turned to me and said: “I used to do this to my mom. She called it ‘Shoot ‘em up, and knock ‘em down.’ There’s never a right answer.” I instantly wondered if ‘No’ meant ‘Forget about it’ or ‘I’m not sure and need to think about it.’ Indoor soccer and theater were hard ‘No’s.’ Guitar and swimming were more of an ‘I’ll think about it.” I asked Kieran why he doesn’t just say that, and he shrugged, “I don’t know…I just can’t think about all that stuff at once.” Saying ‘No’ flat out like that gives him space to think about something without any pressure.

ADHD and oppositional reactions

With working memory and/or processing speed challenges, kids with ADHD often feel overwhelmed—emotionally, cognitively and/or socially. Biologically, they lack adequate amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine in their brains. This deficiency makes it difficult for people with ADHD to process and recall information efficiently and keep up with all of the activity around them. In addition, people with ADHD frequently struggle to articulate these mostly unconscious cognitive processes. What most kids tell me is that they simply feel flooded and agitated. They try to muddle through and manage these feelings at school or with friends. However, by the time they arrive home, they don’t feel obligated to hold it together any more. As Sal once told me, “I’m not going to be suspended from my family.” He feels safe enough with his caring parents to shut down and push boundaries. There’s also more flexibility in creating whatever space he needs to process information at a pace that works for his uniquely wired brain.

What ‘NO’ means to your child or teen

A ‘No’ might be a response to what your child or teen may grasp as a demand rather than a request. Before you investigate what ‘NO’ really means, reflect on how you ask your child to do something or engage them in a task. Invitations, doing something alongside them (being a body double) and noticing their efforts contribute to better cooperation. Find a calm moment and ask them about ‘NO.’ Take out your curiosity, and gather some information. Is saying ‘NO’ about setting limits, being contrary, slowing things down or something else? Maybe it’s a combination of things. Brainstorm alternatives to ‘No’ that include coming up with a few words or phrases to use when they need time to think about something. 

Preparing ahead for oppositional behaviors

Mother and daughter sitting on the couch getting into an argument with their hands up in frustration.Nobody likes meltdowns, explosions or arguments. Kids with ADHD have told me repeatedly that they feel bad about themselves after these outbursts, and many parents also regret what they’ve said or done. But, in moments of high emotion, people naturally stop listening and quickly move to reactivity. Instead of being surprised every time your youngster pushes back or refuses something, understand that these behaviors are a natural part of growing up and exploring independence. Expect that these incidents will occur, and rely on a strategy for when they do. It’s the resistance and the combativeness that wears families down and really exhausts parents. My PAUSE program—Plan to Accept Understand Set Limits and Encourage–assists you in creating that strategy. 

Responding to oppositional reactions with the PAUSE program:

‘Plan to Accept, Understand, Set Limits and Encourage’

1. Plan (Plan ahead with options):

Focus on making a plan to cope with the pattern of anger for yourself and your child rather than deal with its changing content. Otherwise, you’ll be playing Whack A Mole. In a quiet moment, make a list of what you can easily do to stay grounded. If you are dysregulated, you won’t be able to respond effectively or help your youngster calm down. Whether it’s going to the bathroom to collect yourself for a few minutes or getting a glass of water or opening a window, break up the action in a non-threatening way. This re-centering needs to be your initial reflexive step to slow down the fast-paced action. Once you’ve clarified this for yourself, sit with your child or teen and ask them what helps them regroup. Follow up by asking how much time they need for this. Write down their options, and post the list in their room or in the kitchen.

 2. Accept (Nurture and acknowledge):

A young girl wearing overalls standing with her arms crossed, looking serious, in front of a sky blue wall.Stop trying to convince your child or teen of anything. Rather, accept where you both are in a given moment. Remember, their listening stopped when they became activated, and they want to be seen and heard by you. Acknowledge what they are saying with reflective listening: “I heard you say this, is that right?” When they feel that you are paying attention–instead of correcting them for cursing at you or justifying why you called the school about their F in English–they will start to settle. It may be tense and uncomfortable, but you can do this.  You’ve probably handled a lot of other unpleasant situations before!

3. Understand (Practice compassion):

As tough as it can be, empathy is what’s called for when kids, especially neurodivergent kids, are distressed. Kids and teens with ADHD often feel overwhelmed. Their thinking brains and weaker executive functioning skills simply cannot manage their heightened emotions. They are acting out because they lack the resources to do anything different in those moments. Father and son cuddling on the bed, while the son looks angryNeurodivergent kids need caring adults to dig deep and find some compassion, rather than exploding about how they should get their act together. When a child is resistant, oppositional and intransigent, many parents feel desperate to regain authority and establish stability. Parents often do this by taking things away from their kids. But while punishments may offer short-term relief, they don’t bring long-term success. Avoid saying things like, “I’m taking away your phone for 3 days. You can’t talk to me that way.” Turn it around and say, “You have not earned the privilege of using your phone with that language. When you can go for 3 days without cursing, you’ll get it back. That’s the agreement we have.” Relying on appropriate incentives is what shifts negativity to cooperation.

4. Set limits (Clear rules with family meetings to foster collaboration):

The goal is to help kids with ADHD develop their executive functioning skills for self-regulation, engaging in interpersonal connections, and achieving goals. It’s a natural part of living to become angry, to want to get your own way, and to avoid disappointment. However, it’s not okay to be aggressive about these. Punishment doesn’t teach any lasting skills, and it rules by fear. We want our kids to be motivated to make other choices. Logical consequences, on the other hand, allow you to set limits and use meaningful incentives as motivators. You place ‘have-to’s’ before ‘want-to’s.’ The trick is staying steady in the face of your child or teen’s displeasure, and following through. In a family meeting or a quiet moment, make collaborative agreements about actions and words that are unwelcome.

5. Encourage (Focus on the present and moving forward):

Dad with his arm around his son, walking in the park. Once the storm has passed, focus on the present moment. What needs to happen NOW to move beyond its wreckage? This is not a time to teach any lessons. The situation is still too raw for your child or teen, and such a conversation may trigger the outburst all over again. You may want to talk about your upset and let them know how they have messed up. But, will this serve them to learn the skills they need and strengthen your relationship? They need encouragement rather than blame at this moment. Talk about the next move to get on with things instead. Later that day, or some time tomorrow, casually wonder about the take-aways from what happened. Was there anything each of you regretted? How would you like to deal with that type of behavior in the future? These questions open up conversation, explore options and validate positive engagement. Be patient with yourself and your family as you incorporate this model into your daily lives. Everybody has a shorter fuse right now so it may take longer to get this going. That’s okay. It’s one step at a time!

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YourTango – The 5 Most Overlooked Symptoms Of Inattentive ADHD & How To Cope With Each

“Inattentive ADHD is often characterized by difficulties in keeping focused, staying organized, and following directions or conversations. These experiences may lead to a sustained pattern of losing things, careless mistakes, and mental fatigue. There are three different types of ADHD, each with differences in how they present and in how the affect a person’s life. As a psychologist, I understand how often the issues associated with inattentive ADHD are often misunderstood as defiance, lack of comprehension, lower intelligence, or laziness…”

Read the article featured on YourTango