Truth and Trust: Managing Lying in Children and Teens with ADHD
Dear Dr. Saline:
Is it standard for an ADHDer to lie so vehemently? Like he has been caught red handed and he denies it while his hand is in the cookie jar? Or is this because he’s a 13 almost 14 year old boy that thinks he can get away with everything? He lies about taking his medicine then complains we act like we can’t trust him. He is old enough to know what’s right and wrong but still refuses to acknowledge something if he thinks he can get away with it. Then says he didn’t know. What should I do?— Rosie
Dear Rosie:
Living with ADHD means doing things that you regret, wish had never happened and want to avoid at all costs much more often than you would like to. We know that the ADHD 
brain lives in the present moment: it’s a Now/Not now existence. Lying is saying something false with a desire to deceive someone. Lying attempts to make the present moment better either through denial (“No, I didn’t eat any of that pie you made for dessert.”) or omission (“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I failed my science test.) Lies aim to increase comfort in what’s happening now, to reduce stress about a problematic situation or to decrease conflict about something that happened in the past.
ADHD and Lying
With their poor impulse and emotional control and other executive functioning challenges, many children and teens with ADHD engage in lying. Today, tweens and teens are also facing a number of mental health challenges as well. This means that they get themselves into sticky situations more frequently than neurotypical children and teens. When this happens, they will frequently lie to wriggle their way out. This is different from honestly getting facts mixed up, misremembering what occurred or elaborating on stories. Lying is an ineffective coping mechanism in real time situations where kids (or adults) lack alternatives or fear unpleasant consequences.
Lies also involve magical thinking. For instance, let’s say that your son is wishing away that he didn’t break Grandma’s lamp when he was throwing his tennis ball in the living room even though he’s not supposed to. When you confront him, he may well say: “No, I didn’t do that,” even though you are holding the glass shards in your hands. He believes that if he wishes it away and denies it effectively, you, too, will believe that it didn’t happen.
Lying and Working Memory
But there’s also a very real issue of working memory for kids with ADHD. In
some circumstances, it’s not completely a lie if a child or teen truly doesn’t actually remember it. So if you ask your son if he has everything he needs for school, he may say ‘yes’ but has forgotten his lunch on the counter because he was racing around to find his phone. In these instances, there’s no intent to deceive so it’s not really lying. It’s just ADHD forgetfulness and distractibility. When you add worry and shame about ‘messing up’ again into the mix, it can be tough to figure out what is really going on.
The Trust Bank Account
Trust is something that most teens expect their parents should give them automatically. But trust is actually earned. I like to use the analogy of a trust bank account: kids make deposits with truthful and cooperative words and actions. They make withdrawals when they purposefully do not tell the truth, when they
do not follow agreed upon house agreements and when they are oppositional. Withdrawals can result in the loss of earned privileges. It’s more helpful to set up consequences in advance rather than create them on the fly when you are distressed.
Let’s face it, lying behaviors are SUPER frustrating and really maddening. It’s natural for us to get activated, become demanding (“Are you kidding me? Of course you broke the lamp!!!”) and lose our tempers. The problem is that when we lose our cool with our kids, our upset becomes the focus, not whatever they did.
Building Trust and Nurturing Honesty
Start by defining lying in a family meeting. Write down what it is and what it is not. Post this in the kitchen as a reminder. Then use these five tools based on my 5C’s of ADHD™ approach:
- Self-Control: Lies occur between two people. How does your response increase the likelihood of lying or intensify it in the moment? Settle yourself before you speak to your son. Consider how his neurodivergence might be contributing to what is going on. Take a big pause if you need to manage yourself before responding to him.
2. Compassion: You cannot ask for honesty and then punish it. That’s neither compassionate nor fair. A positive response to honesty includes having a discussion about what has happened when everybody is calmer. You don’t want to shut things down with anger, guilt or blame. Let him stew on the knowledge that the jig is up for a while and consider what would be a consequence that makes sense to him. Remember, he’s dealing with two things: the lie and and the failure of the attempted cover-up. Neither of these feel particularly good, despite what he may be showing you. This is where your empathy comes into play.
3. Collaboration: Create opportunities for cooperation and restoration. Give your son a chance to make things right and be part of the solution. Brainstorm ideas for Apologies of Action–to move beyond a quick, seemingly disingenuous, “I’m sorry”, to reparation and personal responsibility. What can he do to demonstrate his regret and make things better? Teach and show what a heartfelt apology looks like. If he needs incentives to engage with this process, that’s fine. Many kids struggle initially and need to earn something afterwards.
4. Consistency: Consider your expectations. Growing up as a neurodivergent boy in a neurotypical world is tough. How can your son be who he is and work towards improvements simultaneously? What are realistic expectations for him that you both agree about? He’s got to have skin in the game to build a habit. There is no perfection: we are aiming for his steadiness in honesty–that is to say more often than not.
5. Celebration: Notice when he is honest and offer specific praise and acknowledgement. You don’t need to bake a cake but a high-five or a call-out will let him know that you see his efforting. Give him a chance to correct himself by offering a ‘Take back of the Day.” He can think about what lie or omission he said and then take it back right afterwards without negative consequences . The whole family can use this as it builds trust and personal accountability.
Changing habits related to lying in children and teens with ADHD takes time, practice, cues and repetition. People of all ages create lies to avoid shame. It’s important to remember that your son’s lying can be a reflexive response to wishing he had made a different choice. He just may not be able to say that–yet.
I hope that you found your time spent in my corner of the internet this week valuable, and that you were able to take away ideas or inspiration to help you along the way. If you have any questions or thoughts about ADHD and lying, I’m always available at Ask Dr. Sharon and appreciate your thoughts and feedback – it helps keep me inspired for future books and blogs!
