Surviving the Holidays with ADHD: Tips for Lowering Anxiety and Building Joy
Dear Dr Sharon,
Usually I love this time of year – the change in seasons, the lead up to Thanksgiving and December holidays, and all the fun times and memories I am able to create with family and friends. I love being able to channel my creative ADHD into planning special meals and gatherings that everyone appreciates. This Thanksgiving feels different though and everybody seems to be walking on eggshells. This has really kicked up my anxiety. I just want our family gatherings to go smoothly and bring joy to people! As an adult with ADHD and anxiety, how do I lower my stress about the holidays and navigate the “tough” conversations if they come up?
-Kristy
Dear Kristy –
Believe in the healing power of pumpkin pie this year.
I’m kidding, of course, and I want you to know that the sentiment you’ve shared is one that many others are struggling with too. This has been an unusually stressful fall an intense election in the United States, global wars and continued post-Covid uncertainty. Since you can’t change any of these external situations, let’s look at how you can prepare for the holidays differently this year to lower your anxiety and maximize loving connections.
One of the reasons I think the holidays can be so tense lies in the unrealistic expectations people–particularly those who host an event–place on themselves. Wanting to create positive memories is a lovely goal but not at the expense of your emotional, psychological and physical health. Overdoing things until you plop from exhaustion and aiming for an impossible perfectionism means you can’t enjoy what you’ve created. Challenges with time management, 
organization, planning and prioritizing may lead you to simply doing too much. It’s natural for folks with ADHD to underestimate the size of a task, to take on more than they actually handle and then end up in puddle of overwhelm and frustration.
If you add on a desire to make everyone happy and create joy, it’s a big load to carry–too big for one person. Then anxiety sets in and ratchets up emotional reactivity, sleeplessness and self-criticism.
Start your holiday preparation now by doing two things:
First, take a moment and make a list of three to five activities you enjoy. Keep these simple and doable. They are your building blocks of self care. How often can you do them? Every day might be great but not realistic. Perhaps aim for twice a week. These are sanity savers.
Secondly, give up your responsibility to make everybody happy. That isn’t your job. You’ve said that you want to create lovely family events. Fabulous. That doesn’t mean perfect and conflict-free. Most families have some prickly spots and people have to navigate these for themselves. Taking on other people’s upset just isn’t in the description of being of being a good host. Delicious food? Yes. A beautiful table. Sure. Running interference? No.
Of course, when you live with ADHD, there is the added layer of dealing with relatives who may not understand or believe in neurodivergence. Whether it’s unwanted advice about having a more organized dinner, emotionally charged conversations, or unhelpful tips for disciplining kids, the holidays may not be everything you wish they could be. Insensitive remarks, frequent misunderstandings and difficult conversations can make finding the joy in special events challenging.
How to survive (& thrive!) during the holidays
Kristy, what can you do differently this year to survive and enjoy your family’s gatherings? How can you find moments of the “old” joy that means so much to you? Being clear about what you want is just as important as knowing what you don’t want. These reflections will assist you in setting yourself and your parties for success.
I would advise you to start by throwing out perfectionism. Then give up on having to do it all by yourself. Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises so you can use them when anxiety decides to visit again. Create a master list and then break this down into smaller ones, assigning tasks to certain days. Be careful not to pile on too many things in one day. The goal is to feel like you are progressing on your preparation. Finally, be kind to yourself. It’s a HUGE job to host a holiday. Notice what is going well and what you feel proud of.
Make a holiday road map!
Holidays need a road map and strategies. Since get-togethers have the potential to be intense, we all need a set of tools to assist us in getting through. How will you know if things went smoothly? What does ‘getting along’ actually look like? Forget about standards of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and aim for good enough instead.
Follow these five steps for creating more moments of calm, joy and holiday cheer at your family gathering:
- Establish boundaries in advance: Before your event, consider communicating boundaries in with key relatives. Set limits with people who can be argumentative or provocative. Since you are the host, you could even ban certain topics of conversation or send a reminder about what ADHD is and how it looks in kids. I’ve sent some of these emails myself. One year, when I was hosting a surprise party for my husband’s fortieth birthday, I sent a very nicely worded email to my divorced parents about why and how I needed them to get along for me to pull off the event. It actually worked!
If you decide to write an email, consider including these phrases:
“I want to have a good time. Here’s what would help me from you…”
“Living with ADHD for me/ our family means…”
“Our normal day-to-day will be heightened by the excitement and festivities…”
“If you have any concerns, please take me aside and talk to me directly rather than in front of other family members”
2. Line up your support team: If you were a world class cross country runner, there are several things you would do to prepare for the race. First, you would train to gain strength and stamina. Secondly, you would eat well and make sure to get enough sleep. Thirdly, you would surround yourself with people who believe in you, who encourage you and who help you in times of need (handing out a bandage for your skinned knee or a bottle of water). When visiting your family or having loved ones visit you, you will also need a support system. In advance of the visit, talk with caring friends or other close relatives about the holiday challenges related to ADHD or being together with certain family members at holiday gatherings. Brainstorm a few responses to any typical scenarios that trouble you.
Then, use those self-care techniques you wrote down earlier. Make sure that you remember to eat, sleep and get some exercise. Taking care of yourself allows you to be present and respond instead of react. Lastly, use your support system as your lifeline: text or call folks when you are overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated or sad. You don’t have to handle things alone, so don’t.
3. Stick to neutral communication: It’s perfectly acceptable to let people know you don’t want to discuss something, excuse yourself from the table or step outside to regroup. If you need a break during a tough moment, go to the bathroom. Wash your hands and your face and say to yourself, “I’ve got this. I am strong and resilient. I live every day with ADHD and I know how to pivot and move forwards.” Remember that you can take breaks if you feel overwhelmed and text one of your lifelines for virtual advice or a hug. If you lose your cool, give a simple, heartfelt apology and move on. Everybody stumbles sometimes, especially under pressure. Stay off the shame spiral and avoid over-apologizing so you don’t take on humiliation that isn’t yours.
4. Reconnect with moments of joy: The negativity bias in our brains makes it easier to look at what isn’t working, what could go better and what you wish others would say or do. But doing so will only increase your frustration and the likelihood that you will overreact. Instead, focus on what is going right – reconnect with what brings you joy! Pay attention to those small or big moments when people express kindness, humor and warmth. You can make this holiday different by shifting your perspective to what is working and the positive or even neutral things you hear. Notice those things that DO go well (or well enough) – however small they may be. When you model this for others – they will be more likely to reciprocate with the same.
5. Practice gratitude: There is something for each of us to appreciate in our lives. With all of the turbulence in the world, take the time to go around the table and share gratitude for one thing in your lives. Anything. When we pay attention to these positive parts, we reduce negative self-talk and build resilience. Whatever happens, make sure to give yourself credit for hosting the family and celebrating the holiday. You did it!
