he Myth of Laziness: How ADHD & Anxiety Impact Women’s Motivation and Mental Load

Hi Dr. Sharon!!

 I’m a mom of three kids in my late 40s, and I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety – which was SUCH a relief in connecting all my dots, and made so much sense.  Now, though,  I’m really struggling with how people perceive me, especially at work and at home. For example, at work, I’m constantly getting behind on projects because I get easily distracted, and my boss thinks I’m “lazy” or not putting in enough effort. I’ll start one task, get sidetracked by something else, and then realize hours have passed and I haven’t made much progress. I feel like I’m constantly in a panic trying to catch up, but it never seems to be enough.

At home, it’s similar. My partner gets frustrated because I forget to pick up the groceries or miss appointments, even though I write them down. And the house always feels like it’s a mess because I’ll start cleaning one area, then get distracted, and never finish. I try so hard, but it feels like my ADHD and anxiety are always in the way. I’m not lazy, I’m just constantly overwhelmed, and I don’t know how to explain it to everyone

How much of this is just being a mother, wife, employee, friend, etc., and how much do I attribute to my recent ADHD and anxiety diagnosis? Also, do you have any advice on how I can manage my symptoms better or help others understand what I’m going through?  Thank you for all your work  – its been so helpful to me as I walk down this new path.

  – Jessica, New Hampshire

 

Dear Jessica – 

I’ve had the privilege of working with many women over the years,  and one thing I’ve consistently noticed is that women, particularly mothers, often carry a significant mental load. This “mental load” refers to the cognitive and emotional work required to manage a household, take care of children, handle social obligations, and juggle personal responsibilities—all while trying to maintain a sense of balance. But for some women, especially those with ADHD, this mental load is even heavier, and it can feel impossible to manage. From what you’ve shared, Jessica, it sounds like this might ring true for you, too…and I want you to know that you’re not alone.   I’ve been able to work extensively with women from all walks of life as they explore what impact an ADHD or Anxiety diagnosis later in life can have, and have developed some strategies and solutions that might be especially helpful to you. 

 

The Mental Load: What Is It?

The mental load often goes unnoticed and unacknowledged by others because it’s invisible. It’s the constant running tally of things to do, the mental “to-do” list that seems to perpetually run in the background of your mind. It’s organizing school schedules, meal planning, making sure the bills are paid, and keeping track of everyone’s appointments. The emotional and psychological labor of this never-ending task list can create significant burnout – especially when the person has been diagnosed with Anxiety (or other Neurodivergence), as you have been, Jessica.

Research shows that women, especially mothers, tend to shoulder more of this mental load than men, even when they both work full-time jobs. According to a 2020 study by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, mothers in dual-income households spend an average of 1.3 hours more per day on household chores than fathers. While that may not sound like much, over time, those hours add up, creating emotional and cognitive exhaustion.

ADHD: An Extra Layer of Overwhelm

For women with ADHD, this mental load can feel even more burdensome. ADHD affects executive functions like organization, planning, time management, and emotional regulation. These are the very skills needed to manage the mental load that mothers face.

When you have ADHD, your brain may be wired to avoid tasks that feel overwhelming, which leads to procrastination and difficulty following through. You might start a project, only to leave it unfinished while your mind races with the next thing to do. On top of that, emotional regulation can be a challenge, and the constant feeling of being behind or not meeting expectations can lead to burnout.

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that women with ADHD experience higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to their male counterparts, with many feeling overwhelmed by the expectations placed on them—whether by society, family, or themselves. For mothers with ADHD, this combination of executive dysfunction and emotional exhaustion can be particularly overwhelming.

Why Does ADHD Make the Mental Load Worse?

There are a few key ways ADHD can make the mental load of motherhood even heavier:

1. Executive Function Challenges: Tasks like organizing a family calendar, keeping track of appointments, and maintaining a clean home require strong executive function skills. ADHD can impair these abilities, which means tasks that seem simple to others may feel insurmountable.

2. Emotional Dysregulation: Women with ADHD are more likely to experience emotional ups and downs. Stressors can feel more intense, and it may be harder to manage overwhelming emotions like frustration, guilt, and anxiety when things don’t go as planned.

3. Procrastination and Time Blindness: One hallmark of ADHD is difficulty estimating how much time tasks will take. This time blindness can lead to missed deadlines, rushing through important tasks, and the constant feeling of being behind.

4. Guilt and Shame: Many women with ADHD report feelings of guilt and shame, especially when they’re unable to meet societal expectations of motherhood and productivity. The combination of external pressure and internal challenges can leave them feeling like they’re failing—often without recognizing that ADHD is a contributing factor.

Practical Strategies for Managing the Mental Load

As a mother with ADHD, it’s important to acknowledge that the mental load you’re carrying is real. It’s not just about “doing more” or “trying harder” — it’s about understanding how ADHD and neurodivergence affects your brain and implementing strategies that work with it, not against it.

Here are a few practical tips to help reduce the mental load and prevent burnout:

1. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps

When faced with a large project, it can feel overwhelming to even get started. Breaking tasks down into smaller, more manageable steps makes them feel less daunting. For example, instead of thinking about “organizing the entire house,” start by focusing on one room or even one corner of a room.

Research has shown that breaking tasks into smaller pieces can significantly improve task initiation and completion for people with ADHD. A study published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine found that chunking tasks into smaller parts increases motivation and reduces procrastination.

2. Use Visual Reminders and Tools

Keeping track of multiple responsibilities is hard, especially with ADHD. Using visual reminders like planners, sticky notes, or digital tools like apps can help. For example, creating a family calendar in Google Calendar or using a task management app like Todoist or Trello can help you stay organized without the mental strain of remembering everything yourself.

Incorporating visual prompts has been shown to improve executive functioning in individuals with ADHD, particularly when tasks are broken down visually (such as seeing a checklist of to-dos).

3. Delegate and Ask for Help

Don’t hesitate to delegate tasks to others in your household. If you have a partner, it’s essential to communicate openly about the distribution of responsibilities. Research from the American Sociological Review indicates that more equitable division of labor at home leads to reduced stress and burnout for mothers.

If you’re struggling with organizing or maintaining routines, it might also be helpful to consider external support, like hiring help for cleaning or meal prep. Outsourcing tasks that you find particularly overwhelming can provide much-needed relief.

4. Practice Self-Compassion and Set Realistic Expectations

Mothers with ADHD are often their own harshest critics. It’s important to practice self-compassion and adjust your expectations. Recognize that you can’t do everything, and that’s okay. Setting realistic goals for yourself can reduce the feeling of failure when you don’t meet impossible standards.

Incorporating mindfulness techniques and self-compassion practices has been shown to reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation, which is critical for managing ADHD symptoms and the emotional toll of motherhood.

5. Create Structure and Routine

Having a predictable structure can significantly reduce the cognitive load on your brain. Routines help minimize the number of decisions you need to make daily, which frees up mental energy for other tasks. For example, meal prepping on Sundays or having a designated “clean-up time” each day can create a sense of order and predictability.

A study published in Clinical Psychology Review found that people with ADHD perform better when they follow routines, as it reduces the cognitive demands required for spontaneous decision-making.

You Don’t Have to Do It All Alone

Jessica, being a mother is hard enough, but when you add ADHD into the mix, the mental load can feel overwhelming. It’s crucial to acknowledge how ADHD affects your ability to manage tasks and recognize that it’s not a reflection of your abilities as a mother. By implementing practical strategies like breaking tasks down, using reminders, delegating, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to lighten the load and prioritize your own well-being.

Remember: You don’t have to carry this burden alone, and with the right tools and support, it’s possible to regain a sense of balance and control.