Understanding How ADHD and Anxiety Affect Women’s Motivation: Tips for Managing Mental Load and Achieving Success
Hi Dr. Sharon!!
I’m a mom of three kids in my late 40’s. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety which was SUCH a relief in connecting all my dots. I really struggle with how people perceive me, especially at work and at home. For example, at work, I’m constantly getting behind on projects. I’ll start one task, get sidetracked by something else, and then realize hours have passed with no progress, My boss thinks I’m “lazy” but I live in panic mode trying to catch up. This happens at home too. My partner gets frustrated because I forget to pick up the groceries or miss appointments, even though I write them down. I’m constantly overwhelmed and I don’t know how to explain it to everyone. Do you have any advice on how I can manage my symptoms better and help others understand what I’m going through?
– Jessica, New Hampshire
Dear Jessica –
I’ve had the privilege of working with many women over the years. One thing I’ve consistently noticed is that women, particularly mothers, carry a significant mental load. This “mental load” refers to the cognitive and emotional work required to manage a household, take care of children, handle social obligations, 
hold down a job and juggle personal responsibilities—all while trying to maintain a sense of balance. The executive functioning challenges that come with ADHD, in conjunction with hormonal influences, can make this all seem impossible to manage. So, Jessica, you are not alone. Working with women from all walks of life as they explore the impact of an ADHD or Anxiety diagnosis later in life, I’ve developed some strategies and solutions that might be especially helpful to you.
The Mental Load: What Is It?
I reject the term “laziness” for people with ADHD. The ADHD brain has no trouble with motivation and sustained attention for interesting activities. But it struggles fundamentally with being starting, persisting and completing tasks that are inherently unrewarding or overwhelming. This consistent inconsistency is confusing to kids and adults with ADHD and to the people in their lives too. But instead of exploring this issue and the very real mental load that occurs for neurodivergent folks, people use the word “lazy”.
The mental load often goes unnoticed and unacknowledged by others because it’s invisible. It’s the constant running tally of things to complete, the mental “to-do” list that loops around in the background of your mind. It’s organizing school schedules, meal planning, making sure the bills are paid, and keeping track of 
everyone’s appointments. It’s also meeting deadlines at work, showing up for meetings on time and being a dedicated team player. The emotional and psychological labor of these combined never-ending task lists can create significant burnout – especially when the person with ADHD has co-occurring anxiety.
Research shows that women, especially mothers, tend to shoulder more of this mental load than men, even when they both work full-time jobs. According to a 2020 study by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, mothers in dual-income households spend an average of 1.3 hours more per day on household chores than fathers. While that may not sound like much, over time, those hours add up, often creating emotional and cognitive exhaustion.
ADHD: An Extra Layer of Overwhelm
For women with ADHD, struggles with sustained attention, working memory and organization increases the burdens related to these mental loads. Other executive functioning challenges that accompany living with ADHD–such as planning, time management, shifting and emotional regulation–complicate the picture. The very skills that you need to manage all of these competing responsibilities are the ones that are taxed by being neurodivergent.
When you have ADHD, your brain tends to avoid tasks that feel overwhelming, leading to procrastination and difficulty completing things. You might start a project, only to leave it unfinished while your mind races onto the next thing to do. On top of that, natural difficulties with emotional regulation may result in regrettable outbursts or intense bouts of worry, sadness or anger.
Constantly sensing that you are behind or not meeting expectations not only increases stress but also produces burnout and mental health issues. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that women with 
ADHD experience higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to their male counterparts. Many feel overwhelmed by the expectations placed on them—whether by society, family, or themselves. They also report feelings of guilt and shame about their challenges. The combination of external pressure and internal challenges can leave them feeling like they’re failing—often without recognizing that ADHD is a contributing factor.
Practical Strategies for Managing the Mental Load
As a mother with ADHD, it’s important to acknowledge that the mental load you’re carrying is real. It’s not just about “doing more” or “trying harder”. It’s also about understanding how ADHD and neurodivergence affects your brain and implementing strategies that work with it, not against it.
Here are a few practical tips to help reduce the mental load and prevent burnout:
1. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps
When faced with a large project, it can feel overwhelming to even get started. Breaking tasks down into smaller, more manageable steps makes them feel less daunting. For example, instead of thinking about “organizing the entire house,” start by focusing on one room or even one corner of a room.
Research has shown that breaking tasks into smaller pieces can significantly improve task initiation and completion for people with ADHD. Here, the Princeton University Research and Teaching Lab shares that chunking tasks into smaller parts increases motivation and reduces procrastination.
2. Use Visual Reminders and Tools
Keeping track of multiple responsibilities is hard, especially with ADHD. Using visual reminders like planners, sticky notes, or digital tools like apps can help. For example, creating a family calendar in Google Calendar or using a task management app like Todoist, Microsoft To Do, Habitua orTrello can help you stay organized without the mental strain of remembering everything yourself.
Incorporating visual prompts has been shown to improve executive functioning in individuals with ADHD, particularly when tasks are broken down visually (such as seeing a checklist of to-dos).
3. Increase collaboration and cooperation
Living in a household means sharing chores.Family chore time can improve cooperation especially if there is a desired incentive like watching a show or playing a game together afterwards. If you have a partner, it’s essential to communicate openly about the distribution of responsibilities. Research from the American Sociological Review indicates that more equitable division of labor at home leads to reduced stress and burnout for mothers.
If you’re struggling with organizing or maintaining routines, it might also be helpful to consider finding external support, such as a therapist or coach to improve how collaboration in your family or relationship. If you have the means, outsourcing tasks that you find particularly overwhelming such as hiring help for cleaning or ordering from a meal preparation service can provide much-needed relief.
4. Practice Self-Compassion and Set Realistic Expectations
Mothers with ADHD are often their own harshest critics. It’s important to practice self-compassion and adjust your expectations. Recognize that you can’t do everything, and that’s okay. Setting realistic goals for yourself can reduce the feeling of failure when you don’t meet impossible standards.
Incorporating mindfulness techniques and self-compassion practices reduce anxiety and shame. They also improve emotional regulation, which helps with managing ADHD symptoms and the emotional toll of motherhood.
5. Create Structure and Routine
Having a predictable structure can significantly reduce the cognitive load on your brain. Routines help minimize the number of decisions you need to make daily and teach your kids key executive functioning skills simultaneously. This frees up mental energy for other tasks. For example, meal prepping on Sundays or having a designated “clean-up sweeps” at night where people pick up their things contributes to a sense of order and predictability.
You Don’t Have to Do It All Alone
Jessica, being a mother is hard enough, but when you add ADHD into the mix, the mental load can feel overwhelming. You seem to be anything but ‘lazy”. It’s crucial to acknowledge how ADHD affects your ability to manage tasks and to recognize that it’s not a reflection of your abilities as a mother. By implementing practical strategies like breaking tasks down, using reminders, delegating, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to lighten the load and prioritize your own well-being.
Remember: You don’t have to carry this burden alone, and with the right tools and support, it’s possible to regain a sense of balance and control.
