Category: General Psychology

Cooling Down Conversations in Neurodiverse Families: De-escalate and do-over with ‘WAIT-Now’ and ‘Take Back of the Day’

Dad and teen walking in the park and having a positive conversationHave you ever said something to your child or teen that you wished you could take back? In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to let our emotions take over instead of choosing our words carefully. Most parents lose their cool at one time or another. Similarly, many neurodiverse kids and teens who struggle with impulsivity and self-regulation can say things they wish they hadn’t. Cooling down conversations once they’ve heated up doesn’t come easy for most people. Jesse, age 14, told me: “Sometimes I interrupt too much. I can reign it in if I need to, but I’m not always aware that I’m doing it.” We all have said the wrong thing during a stressful conversation, instantly regretted it, and wished for a “do-over” button. That’s why I created two tools to help you and your family better manage escalations and improve communication.

Cooling Down Conversations with Two Main Strategies

Teen boy leaning against a brick wall talking on the phone to a parent The WAIT-Now method helps you and your child take that needed pause to reconsider what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and how you might be able to express yourself differently. Instead of blowing your cool and regretting it later, you’ll practice regaining control of the conversation, staying calm and communicating more effectively. If and when something regrettable is said, Take Back of the Day allows everyone in the family one opportunity to take it back, reconsider it, offer an apology if desired and restate what was on their mind. Family members accept this offering, practice forgiveness, and move on past the friction. Let’s take a closer look at each of these tools and how to apply them.

De-escalate with the “WAIT-Now” method

The WAIT-Now Method stands for: “Why Am I Talking Now?” It is an approach that teaches self-control by focusing on self-evaluation (metacognition).

How it works:

Rather than giving in to your automatic response in a tense or uncomfortable situation with your kids, you de-escalate by actively telling yourself to WAIT. Notice what you are saying to your child or teen, how they are responding and where the conversation is headed. Picture of a neurodiverse family meeting, focusing on hands and body language If it’s going downhill, pause and ask yourself these questions:

    • Why am I talking now?
    • Do I need to be saying this?
    • Is this a one-way lecture or a two-way conversation?

How do we notice what’s going on with the other person in the conversation What are the signs that someone is paying attention to you or has drifted off? By slowing down to self-reflect, you become better equipped to manage the situation and respond to your child’s needs at that moment. Cooling down conversations relieves the tension so you can listen and respond more intentionally. Moreover, WAIT-Now offers you an opportunity to demonstrate, model, and teach your child how to think through choices about what they say and when they say it.

Why it helps:

Parent kneeling down and comforting and talking to their child who looks sad sitting on the couch Many children, especially neurodiverse kids, struggle with communicating, managing their emotions and picking up social cues. We, as their loving parents, must guide them toward better outcomes, teaching them by example. As children move into adolescence, stress, conflict, and anxiety become more common. Teens experiment and try new things, learning what works for them and what doesn’t along the way. They vacillate between pushing parents away and then relying on them. It’s confusing for everyone, and often results in a terrain of emotional minefields. The bottom line is that neurodiverse kids with executive functioning challenges, just like kids without them, want to feel heard. In fact, they seek this more often than they want solutions. They lash out at you because you are a safe arena to express their frustration. The WAIT-Now Method helps enable our children to manage their own big emotions. It fosters a more peaceful, constructive and mutually-respectful environment for your family.

The WAIT-Now method is for the whole family.

Teaching WAIT-Now starts with a calm conversation with your child or teen. Explain what it is and why it’s a technique worth trying. Emphasize that this is something your whole family can work on, parents and children alike. When we frame a new experience or approach in a way which highlights the benefits for our child or teen, they are more likely to be receptive. Neurodiverse family of four having a positive family meeting in the living room

Here’s the tough part for parents: We need to practice this skill set so our kids can feel what it is like to receive it.

Kids who shut down during an argument because they feel lectured or nagged are demonstrating important things: overwhelm and exclusion. Cooling down these conversations is just as important as calming ones fueled with anger. Their shutting down behaviors show that they can’t take in any more information, or they sense that their input doesn’t matter. When you see these signs, pause and assess why you are talking. Should you say everything you are thinking? Listen to your kids and reflect back what you hear them say. This is typically a more effective intervention than telling them what to do. It honors who they are and what makes sense to them. It shows you are attuned to their needs and goes a long way in building trust and closeness between parent and child.

Take back and try again with a “Take Back of the Day”

You can build upon WAIT-Now by establishing a practice I call “Take Back of the Day.” You get one do-over, and take back something you regret saying.

How it works:

Neurodiverse mother and daughter having an effective important conversation together on the couch, making eye contact and listening

Model for your children how to admit to your mistakes and how to move forward with care and grace. Apologize if need be, and offer up a different approach or more carefully chosen words. We all do or say the wrong thing now and again, and taking responsibility for our failings is a crucial life skill. Show your child how to recover from hurtful words or actions in a loving and respectful manner. When you practice and teach the WAIT-Now method and its companion, Take Back of the Day, you empower your child to learn to monitor and express themselves differently. Cooling down heated conversations will come easier for all of you. WAIT-Now and Take Back of the Day foster the listening, compassion and engagement neurodiverse kids and their families need to live with more closeness and better communication.

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Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts

teen getting angry at mom as mom takes away computer from herNeurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it’s hard enough to calm down your own emotions — let alone the emotions of your child, teen or partner. Where do you even start? When that tone of voice (the one you’re all too familiar with) enters the picture, you can use the quick and direct steps of “T.O.V.” to help initiate a process of self-reflection and self-regulation for your family and yourself. Tone of voice awareness takes practice, but it’s a skill that will improve family communication and connections for years to come.

Family conflict: A familiar story

You are almost finished cooking dinner, a meal you’ve been planning since your last shopping trip a few days ago. You made sure to plan a meal that the whole family can enjoy, taking into account your son’s eating specifications. Everyone has had a rough week transitioning back into school mode. On top of that, work has been a bit overwhelming. You’ve been dealing with headaches on and off, and are ready for some quiet time. You have been looking forward to this meal all week, if not only to have some quality time with your family. You go to pull the roast out of the oven and call the kids in to help prepare the table. Your daughter comes in and begins to work with place settings. You call your son in – for the third time – and he stomps in, muttering about how he wasn’t able to finish the level in his video game. Mother sitting on the couch with her head on her hands while her kids run past out of focus.

You remind him he has plenty of time after dinner to wrap up his game and save it. In the middle of your sentence, you hear a commotion, high-pitched screech. You turn, and the kids are going at it. “She took my favorite cup!” he yells. They begin to chase each other around the kitchen.

You huff as you try to get the food from your prep station to the table without tripping over them. “If you had come in to help when I first called, you could have chosen your favorite cup.” “It’s not fair!” he screams, and hits his fist on the table, scattering silverware and causing a side dish to fall. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes. You want to scream, but you know you have to set a good example. Your headache increases in intensity.

How did your easygoing family evening escalate into this?

Why can’t your son use another of your many drinking glasses? When will he learn to modulate how he expresses himself and be more cooperative? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by him in the first place? You’re aware that impulsivity and emotional dysregulation are challenges for your neurodiverse family. And yet, here you are again, ready to pull your hair out.

Enter: Tone Of Voice Awareness

Neurodiverse family conflict outside by a pond, a teen yelling angrily at parent in wheelchair while the other parent looks away upset So often, neurodivergent kids aren’t really aware of how they say things. They might have difficult understanding how what they say (and how they say it) can affect others. They might need guidance learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are often sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Discussing the impact of their tone of voice allows your child – and your entire family – to reflect for themselves on how they can say something in a more impactful way. It also allows them to have more tone of voice awareness around their thoughts before they communicate them. Incorporating T.O.V. allows kids to practice several skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, verbal and behavioral impulse control, planning, shifting and personal insight (metacognition). So, where does this lesson start?

How to improve tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness for more effective family communication

Step 1: Introduce the concept naturally.

Mother on the couch sitting with their teen who is talking in a calm tone of voice

Introducing T.O.V. won’t be very helpful unless it is introduced at a time when everyone is willing to listen and learn. In a calm moment, you explain to your neurodivergent child or teen that sometimes everyone needs help with improving tone of voice awareness and learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others.

If you have multiple children, it is important to include everyone in the conversation. This will make everyone feel like they are an equal part of the conversation, and will keep you from singling anyone out. Let them know that you will be saying “T.O.V.” out loud when you think they should reflect on how they are speaking to someone. Allow them a minute or two to practice their tone of voice awareness and pivot how they are speaking. Encourage them to try again.

Step 2: Be prepared that it might not always work immediately.

If your child or teen can’t manage their emotions enough to change their communication style, then encourage a timed break. Allow them – and yourself – personal space to breathe and regroup. Many times, a 10-15 minute break is all it takes. But be prepared for it to take a little longer, depending on everyone’s headspace.

Step 3: Be willing to forgive and move on.

When your child or teen is successful in practicing tone of voice awareness and adjusts how they are speaking to you, your job is to appreciate their efforts, accept their attitude adjustment, and move forward. Positive steps in the right direction include speaking slower or quieter and using more polite, less aggressive, language. Let them know how much their attitude adjustment means to you. Positive reinforcement is very important, especially in any child/adult relationship.

Remember, T.O.V. is a tool for everyone.

Neurodiverse teen boy and father making eye contact and having a conversation in the living room, view point from behind father. As much as you may be using “T.O.V.” to help improve your child’s communication efforts, you need to know your kids could call you out, too! How you respond to this is incredibly important. A good approach is to acknowledge your feelings, or laugh and admit that you are also capable of messing up. While you don’t want to create an environment where everyone is calling out “T.O.V.” constantly, you do want to lead by example in combative situations, and take the opportunity to practice tone of voice awareness for yourself! Be selective when you use it, and they will be encouraged to do so as well. More than anything, it’s important to realize that everyone is human. You can only react to things as your mood allows, and making sure you set everyone up with the proper tools to learn and grow through the aggressive moments can be very impactful.

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Learn Smarter Podcast: Improving Family Connections with Dr. Sharon Saline (Author Series)

“Dr. Sharon Saline, author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life, joins Rachel and Steph to discuss her goal of improving the connection between parents and learners with ADHD through improving conversation. She walks them through her 5C’s of parenting which are self-control, compassion, collaboration, consistency, and celebration. They also dive into a conversation about medication.”

Click here to listen to the episode.

Incredible Edibles: 33 Mental Health Experts & Wellness Professionals Share Their #1 Tips for Dealing with Anxiety

“Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time, but for some people, anxiety can be disruptive to their daily lives or even debilitating. If you suffer from anxiety occasionally or regularly, it’s always a good idea to talk to your healthcare provider about possible treatments and therapies that can help you better manage anxiety. However, there are some tools and techniques you can try at home.”

Click here to read the article.

Overcoming Distractions EP 122: Managing burnout and overwhelm when you have ADHD

“If you have ADHD and you feel you are suffering from overwhelm or even burnout, you want to take the time to listen to this new podcast episode. We discuss one of the silent conditions of mental health and that is burnout. Back on Overcoming Distractions is Dr. Sharon Saline. She has over 30 years of experience working with individuals with ADHD, she is a bestselling author and a leading expert in many areas of ADHD and neurodiversity. Sharon and Dave talk about burnout and how people with ADHD may experience this more than others. And not only more common but many with ADHD can also get to burnout much quicker.“

Listen to the episode here.

 

Relationship: How to Let Someone Go- 3 Most Important Things You Must Do

“Ending a relationship can be hard, extremely hard. Human beings are relational.  The majority of us thrive when we are in relationships that are healthy and mutually satisfying. Sometimes, however, ending relationships and letting someone go is a  necessary and difficult part of one’s life journey (by Carlin Barnes, MD). “10 practicing psychologists and psychiatrists were kindly agreed to share their professional experience and give us a few pieces of valuable advice on How To Let Someone Go – 3 Most Important THINGS You MUST DO.”

Click here to read the article.