Category: General Psychology

Feeling shut down? How to help your family cope with numbness and isolation during COVID

Do you notice that your son or daughter is feeling more frustrated, down and hopeless as the shelter-in-place directive and online schooling continues? I’m hearing from so many kids and parents that things seem to be getting worse as this confinement continues. With thousands of schools switching their grading systems to Pass/Fail, many kids are doing the minimal amount of homework to get by if not avoiding it altogether. Some may not be showering daily, brushing their teeth or putting on clean clothes. Others have reverted to younger and less mature coping skills, erupting and arguing more while cooperating less than they typically do. What can you do to combat their numbness, hopelessness or regressive behaviors?

The first step is acknowledging their very real losses and emotional pain. Nothing is familiar any more. They’ve had to let go of daily casual peer contact at school, planned social get-togethers, familiarity of learning environments and teacher interactions–the list goes on and on. Without having things to look forward to, they may get enraged or turn inward and shut down or both. This is especially true for kids who’ve had special events like graduation, sports seasons, dance recitals, drama performances and more snatched away from them without warning. You may well be experiencing pushback, non-cooperation and aggression in your family that you haven’t that you thought you’d moved beyond or is completely new. Let’s review common struggles for families and look at some useful tools for dealing with them more effectively:

  1. When kids are stressed, anxious and vulnerable, they will act out their concerns with you. A ten year-old boy shared his fear and confusion about living with COVID: “We don’t know when and if this is ever going to stop and if we’ll have our lives the way we want it. . .No matter how much you try not to think about it, you’re still going to focus on it. Like school and stuff but even going on a walk to refresh your brain, you have to wear a mask.”  He’s been arguing vociferously with his parents or running to his room, slamming the door and angrily crying more days than not. He doesn’t know how to wrap his brain around what’s going on. Sound familiar?

When kids act out towards their parents, they are showing us with their words and behavior that their emotions have overwhelmed their internal resources to cope. While it’s not pleasant, it is actually a positive thing in one important way. It shows you that they feel both connected and safe enough with you to share feelings that they can neither understand nor manage on their own. Whatever coping mechanisms you’ve helped them develop probably have weakened in the past month or two. Many kids with ADHD (and those without it too) are taking a few big steps backwards based on intense frustration, anxiety and disappointment. This kind of regression is normal during stressful situations. Nonetheless, you shouldn’t tolerate disrespectful, hurtful or inappropriate actions because of their struggles. Tip: Expect their pushback, notice when it occurs and plan for how to deal with it in advance. Avoid crises by planning and predicting issues that seem to trigger distress. Talk to your son or daughter, share your observations about their struggle and put a plan in place to calm things down when they occur. Create a timed break, a short regrouping to discuss how to move forward and then take that action: Use ‘Stop, Think, Act.’  2. Support their need for social connection by figuring out ways to contact and engage peers remotely and/or safely in person. Kids have to be able to experience themselves in relation to their friends to nurture their identity and make sense of the world. All of those casual “Hellos” and “How are you doing?” that occur while passing in school hallways, at lunch tables and on the playground contribute to how they see themselves and who they want to become. We have to assist them to reach out and stay in touch which often means you’ll be responsible for helping or supporting them to facilitate these activities. Tip: Try some of these ideas: Zoom sessions for Lego, drawing or games (Monopoly, Clue, Taboo, etc); chalk drawing outside (mark off sections that are 6 feet apart, put on their masks and watch them); tossing a frisbee or baseball with gloves and masks; share a baking project on FaceTime; bike riding with a friend who also has a mask on; group Zoom dinners, playing music or watching a show via screen share; creating videos with individual characters that are assembled by one or two kids. Anything that’s outside the box but still follows safety guidelines.  3. Families are tired of being together and everybody’s nerves are fraying. Neither you nor your child or teen can sometimes get adequate or enough space from each other. A thirteen year-old girl told me “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of them [her parents]. It’s been repetitive for weeks. I’d go anywhere as long as it’s not with them.”  Your kids love you and you them but 24/7 is A LOT OF FAMILY TIME. Everyone needs SOME time apart that isn’t instigated by arguments, tears or blame. Tip: Plan for quiet, alone time each day. Set a specific, timed period in your day for down time. This may or may not include screen time–that’s up to you. It’s best to talk together as family beforehand and list options for each person that make the most sense for them. You can all choose the same option daily or have rotating activities. Do whatever works best.   4. Things feel incredibly monotonous right now. When kids with ADHD and their Now/Not now brains look into an unknown future where things have already been canceled for this school year and summer activities are following suit, it’s very discouraging. Life can seem hopeless and they feel powerless and discouraged. You may well feel like this too. Tip; Think one to two weeks at a time. We really don’t know what will happen next month so let’s try not to focus on the unforeseeable future. Instead, create some simple things to look forward to now. Make specific plans for special, fun things like take-out from a favorite restaurant, home-made sundaes on a Thursday night, breakfast for dinner. Talk with your kids about some of their ideas to mix it up and then include their suggestions. 

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Hang in there. We are all struggling–kids and adults alike–to embrace our resilience and integrate the strangeness of our lives every day. As one of my mentors used to say, when you get to the end of your rope, make a knot and hold on. I’m certainly gripping the knot on my rope too. .   

22 News Mass Appeal: Advice on finding joy in life during the pandemic

(Mass Appeal) – It’s harder than normal to find joy in life these days, with social distancing, a plummeting economy, and health concerns. Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline joins us with creative ways to help you and your families stay positive. Click logo below to read more.

22 News Mass Appeal: Use this time at home to be creative, have fun and develop a new hobby

(Mass Appeal) – Most of us have a list of things we’ve always wished we’ve learned, or skills we’ve wanted to develop. Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline joined us to talk about how starting a new hobby can be good for your mental health. Dr. Saline suggests that brainstorming activities with your family is a great way to start. To help get your kids involved in these activities, it makes sense to set a designated time for them. Also, turn mundane activities into something fun – turn up the music while you are putting away dishes and time your kids while they pick up their toys. Click logo below to watch the video.

Coronavirus Anxiety

Q: What is situational anxiety? A: Situational anxiety occurs when someone is worried about certain environments or events and what will happen in these contexts. When people suffer from situational anxiety, they feel frightened by and unclear about how to manage the circumstances that concern them. Sometimes they may exaggerate perceived negative outcomes as well. Q: What are some of the most common fears, anxious thoughts individuals are having in response
to coronavirus? A: In terms of coronavirus, common fears revolve around infection, lack of treatment and untimely death. People are anxious about how to protect themselves and their loved ones from contamination and not knowing what to do to ensure their safety increases their worries. Inadequate or incorrect information from the government worsens their fears. Q: What are the best ways to manage your
anxiety, particularly in relation to COVID-19?   A: It’s not easy to manage your anxiety about COVID-19 but you can start by learning about the facts of the virus and practical tools for managing infection in your home and community. Follow the CDC recommendations about hand washing, avoiding touching your face and other factors related to spreading germs. Repeat key points of this information to yourself when your anxiety rears its ugly head. You want to reassure yourself about the things you can actually do to promote and protect your well-being instead of the risks you can’t control that feed your fears. Read more about how to manage anxiety

Managing Uncertainty With Your Family During COVID-19: More than deep breathing

Mother resting her forehead on his daughter with ADHD's forehead, both wearing blue shirts and masks, trying to manage uncertainty with her family.This new “normal” isn’t anything we’re accustomed to. With school closures, social distancing, working from home, job lay-offs and 24/7 family time, everybody is making huge adjustments to the massive disruption wrought by COVID-19. While we adults struggle to wrap our brains around these changes, it’s even harder for children and teens who may or may not understand why they are home. Managing uncertainty with your family during COVID-19 will likely be a continuous process for quite some time. Take time to get familiar with anxiety-reducing practices, and make a habit of family check-ins so you all can feel the support from one another during this difficult experience. Kids and teens are now separated from friends, family and familiar activities like school, sports, music, drama, etc. They feel ripped off and, frankly, lack a sense of control about their lives. And then there’s the worry. Daily news reports increase our anxiety. We’re concerned for our loved ones while simultaneously feeling helpless to protect them and ourselves. Many of us are living more anxiety than we are accustomed to and it’s not a particularly pretty picture. And yet, human beings have built-in hope and fortitude. We have all been through challenging times in our lives (perhaps not to this extent) and survived. I’m convinced we will survive this too–although the timeline may take longer than any of us anticipated. How can we apply our resilience from the past struggles to help us in this moment? How can we assist our family in managing their uncertainty along with their disappointment, frustration and loneliness?

Getting to the root of anxiety, and how best to approach it.

Teen holding his hands up to his head and looking anxiously at the camera while trying to manage uncerainty.Anxiety comes from wanting safety and security and being unsure that they will occur. It wants to make uncomfortable feelings go away and, right now, that’s not really possible. When it comes to managing uncertainty with your family, you don’t want to dismiss your children’s anxiety. Instead, you want to respond to it in ways that are healthy, while managing your own worries, too.

Avoiding anxiety, or pushing it aside, only makes it stronger. Attempting to resolve each worry is like playing a game of Whack-a-mole: once one worry is gone, another will pop up in its place. Instead, this is the time to take a step back and examine how your child’s anxiety operates by focusing on the way it works—the process and not the content.

Managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family by using the 3 R’s:

Reflect, Recognize & Reset.

Instead of minimizing your kids’ feelings, or trying to get rid of them by saying things like, “Don’t worry, we’ll be fine” or, “You can still talk to your friends on social media,” acknowledge how they are feeling. Offer them tools to tolerate the discomfort of their emotions.

Offer these words instead: “Of course you’re disappointed and angry that graduation may be cancelled. It’s terribly sad.”  Or, “Of course you’re missing your friends and hanging out. It’s lonely not seeing them in person.”

You are listening compassionately and reflecting back what you hear. Since you can’t make this situation go away, you acknowledge its reality and how your son or daughter is affected by it. You validate their issues and recognize any patterns.

Then, you figure out together what is the next right thing to do to move forward. This is a collaborative process based on brainstorming and, if the well runs dry, a few suggestions based on their interests. You help them reset in a moment when they’re lost or overwhelmed or frustrated.

Building resiliency: The other crucial piece to dealing successfully with uncertainty.

Child in the middle of rock wall climbing.

Anxiety is very skilled at causing amnesia about memories of past successes—times when your child or teens faced a fear and overcame the obstacle. To build confidence in the ability to tackle and survive tough times, and the unknown, kids need reminders of their previous achievements. You’re accessing and fostering their inner resilience as you recall together those moments when you’ve seen them recover from obstacles. Write some of these down and post them in the kitchen. Consider doing this for yourself, too.

5 steps for managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family during COVID-19:

When we are worried, we are tense. Kids feel our stress and it increases their own anxiety. Follow these steps to reduce your family’s stress and anxiety.

1. Name the anxiety.

It’s easier to band together to fight the worry monsters that are invading our homes if we identify them. “Oh, there’s Donald Downer, making everyone feel scared again” or, “Here’s Fantasy Fred, imagining the worst.” Consider making a family drawing or writing a funny song about the effect of anxiety in your lives. Enlist your teen’s assistance. Managing uncertainty with your family takes teamwork, and your kids are likely to have some creative ideas and insights, regardless of their protesting.

2. Be honest, without over-sharing.

It’s okay to share a sanitized version of some of your concerns without going into the details. There’s a big difference between, “Yes, I think about Grandma and Grandpa too and wish we could visit them,” and, “I’m so worried about my parents and how they are managing. I don’t want them to get sick and die.”

Be careful about how you discuss your own anxiety within your child’s earshot: little pitchers do have big ears. Try to avoid talking about how much you want an extra glass of wine to soothe your nerves. While that may well be true, you’re also conveying to your kids that self-medicating is a coping tool. That’s not the message we want them to learn.

3. Offer daily kindnesses.

Mother tickling her son while he's laughing joyously.

Make a family agreement to do something nice for one person each day. Brainstorm some suggestions together and write these down as reminders. This creates positive plans that are helpful when managing uncertainty with your family. If someone can’t think of anything, you can refer them to the list. Before bed, ask your kids what they did that day or perhaps share these at dinner.

4. Catch them doing something positive.

People are getting on each other’s nerves with each day of confinement. Start a wall of being good. Get some Post-It’s or a large sheet of paper and tape it to a wall. Whenever you catch your kids doing something positive—their schoolwork, chores, playing a game, etc.—write it down. At the end of the week, call a short family meeting and read what’s on it. This turns the attention away from what’s not working to what is.

5. Use bedtime to check in:

Once they’re under the covers, sit or lie down with them for a few moments. Ask them about a highlight of their day—anything. Whether it’s small—“I liked the pancakes this morning” or something bigger—“My teacher liked my essay,” celebrating whatever happiness occurred in the day will shift the negative focus and decrease anxiety. These moments help manage uncertainty with your family by focusing on today. It also counters the fears, disappointments and frustrations by offering a fresh perspective.

Mother and daughter with their dog looking at a book with a flashlight under sheets.

While you can’t make uncertainty go away, you can reduce its influence on your family.

Use a daily schedule to bring structure to your days so kids know generally what to expect during their waking hours. Take a daily walk outside and notice your environment: identify new flowers or leaves emerging, pick a color and name things with that hue or count dogs, bicycles, squirrels, etc. This is the time to help your kids learn how to manage their upsets by listening to their concerns, validating what you hear and figuring out together how to move forward.

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Kids and Mental Health Days

Mental health days can be very beneficial to kids for a much-needed break from the stress of school, particularly with kids who have ADHD, learning disabilities or high functioning ASD for whom school can be their hardest area of functioning.

When kids are particularly overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and fed up with school, a planned day off can be very helpful. These are days for rest, recovery and regrouping. Perhaps some time outside is in order: a walk, hike, or doing something athletic with you. Or maybe it’s a day with you a day in pajamas with limited screen time, playing board games, creating art projects, baking, reading or making music. I’ve worked with a number of kids with ADHD, LD or ASD who needed a break from the social and academic demands every 6-8 weeks. School was emotionally and physically draining for them. For adolescents who face increasing pressure to excel at everything, having a planned day off can be a lifesaver. Other kids benefit from a general agreement that they can have X number of days off per semester and you can choose these on an emergency basis (e.g. “I can’t take it anymore. I need a break”) or with certain dates set in mind. If a child doesn’t seem to rebound after this day and their symptoms of anxiety, sadness, depression or social difficulties persist, then I highly recommend finding a therapist to assist you in figuring out what is going on.

To be honest, I used mental health days with my daughter when she was a teenager. About twice a semester, she would hit a wall: she needed sleep and some down time to get her head back in the game.  So, we periodically gave her a “Sick-and-Tired” day off from school. It wasn’t planned but we had agreed as a family in advance that she could have 2 such days per semester. It was a successful collaboration: she felt that she got the mental health day she needed and we saw a positive difference when she returned to school.

Read more about the habits that hurt mental health

Why did you post THAT? Smart Screen Parenting for Kids with ADHD

It’s the question I hear from almost every parent I meet: How do I make sure my son or daughter is using technology appropriately? Research has shown that managing technology in families is the greatest sources of arguments in the home according to both kids and parents. Many parents forget that screen time is a privilege–not a right, although most kids and especially teens will tell you differently. To create a health media diet in your family, start by looking at your values and your goals related to technology. Consider how and when you use your phone. Ask yourself “What role do I want the phone or computer to play in my daughter’s life? What are the conditions and expectations I’ve already set up about using the computer? What does it mean to use devices safely and how can I teach these skills?” These reflections are the first step in smart screen parenting. 

Families meet problems with technology because they haven’t set up clear terms and/or contracts about using screens from the beginning. It’s never too late to have honest, forthright conversations about how to use phones and computers (including texting, apps and email  appropriately) and what safety looks like. Have you discussed digital footprints and the longevity of online activity? College admission counselors, coaches and future employers can look up your history and see what you’ve said and to whom. Kids with ADHD lack of cause and effect thinking. They struggle with impulse control and self-regulation. They often believe that consequences just won’t happen to them. It’s especially hard to stop themselves from texting or posting something inappropriate if other kids are doing it too.

Discuss how to make good choices about appropriate material to post and which sites to visit. If you wouldn’t say to someone’s face, then don’t send it online. Follow the WWGS rule: “What would Grandma say?” If you don’t want your Grandma to read something, should you really post it? Expect your son or daughter to treat others with respect, and to never post hurtful or embarrassing messages. Encourage them to think twice before hitting ‘Enter.’ Being mean isn’t okay at any time. Of course, ask them to always tell you about any harassing or bullying messages that others post.

We are responsible for teaching kids how to be a digital citizens just like we are teaching them to be a member of our communities. All families, especially those with ADHD, need guidelines about living successfully with technology–guidelines that are enforced consistently. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel: websites like http://www.commonsensemedia.org offer great sample contracts and other ideas for how family’s can establish plans about technology. Here are my suggestions to help you practice cyber safety and teach NET-etiquette:

  1.  Get informed about digital media and technology so you are not acting out of fear or ignorance. Nobody wants to be a watchdog. Remind kids that what they post can be used against them. For example, letting the world know that you’re off on vacation or posting your home address gives would-be robbers a chance to strike.  Teens should also avoid posting specific locations of parties or events. If you don’t know know people or people who know them, don’t friend those folks.
  2. Go through privacy settings together to make sure your kids understand each one. Also, explain that passwords are there to protect them against things like identity theft. They should never share them.
  3. Live in a household with trust that goes both ways. Remember that your kids can go online and get all kinds of information that would often be better learned from you. We want kids to turn to us when they struggle with making good choices about where to go and what to do with friends. Tracking locations or reading their texts shows them that you don’t trust them or the decisions they are making.  Unless you learn that your child or teen has been lying to you about where they are going, what they are doing or texting or posting inappropriate material, stick with direct conversations with them about their activities and friends.
  4. After you get home from work, plan to spend the first hour reconnecting with your family. Limit your screen use to times when your kids are absent, asleep or occupied with friends or their own screen time.
  5. Stay connected with the parents of their friends so you can know what’s going on with your son or daughter and the kids around you. This helped me tremendously when my children were teens. Several parents agreed that we would support each other as our kids became more independent. We didn’t hesitate to call or text folks about social or school issues. The kids knew that we talked with each other and professed to disliking it but they also knew that they couldn’t stray too far because someone would see it and then share it.

Habits that Hurt Mental Health

I see a few major habits in my clients that hurt their mental health more than help them.

  1. Spending too much time on social media: Social media not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice but it also is built to so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” People feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives which interrupts their  ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self.

  2. Eating fast food on the run instead of preparing healthy meals and sitting down to eat them: We are so much of what we eat and we eat non-nutrutious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Sharing a meal is not only good for our physiology but it also provides an opportunity to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorbe the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives.

  3. Having arguments via texting or emailing: You can’t take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive this way, there’s no way for you see how your words affected the other person or perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. People need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for work and life situations where they have to deal with others.