Category: Neurodiversity

5 Practical Tips to Overcome Perfectionism and Writer’s Block FAST

Dear Dr. Saline:

“As a research scientist I struggle a lot with writing and perfectionism. Previously I could write pages and now I find myself getting stuck waiting for an idea to be “perfect” before I could write it down. Like there are so many thinking traps for me to unlearn to help me get to the writing part. I’d love your advice on how to deal with this so I can write more easily.”

Sincerely,

Ramon

Dear Ramon:  

Many adults with ADHD struggle with perfectionism, especially when it comes to writing. Writing is especially challenging for people of all ages with ADHD because it uses all executive functioning skills simultaneously. In fact, as a “recovering perfectionist” myself who is currently wrestling with writing the initial chapter of my next book, I truly understand the challenges you describe. 

Perfection is a Myth

On ‘Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast’ with Nikki Kinser and Pete Wright, I shared some of  my professional and personal experiences  with perfectionism. Perfectionism is a coping tool that most people develop over the years to manage anxiety. We want to get things just right so nothing unpleasant–like disapproval, failure or criticism–occurs and something positive–like praise or approval–does. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), perfectionism is the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance – above and beyond what is required by the situation. Perfectionism includes striving towards impossibly high goals and can be characterized by rigid, black-or-white thinking. If something isn’t perfect or close to it, it’s horrible and not worth doing. These thoughts and feelings will make writing anything nearly impossible. How can you be creative and let ideas flow with these unreasonable expectations? You can’t. 

Aiming for perfection in any area of life is harmful to your sense of self. It thwarts your ability to share your unique gifts and talents with the world. You may be excited to get started on writing an article but then once you start writing, it doesn’t seem to come together as you’ve imagined so you stop. Or, you can’t quite settle on the ‘best’ idea for the piece so nothing happens. One ten year old boy I worked with had ADHD, anxiety and a disorder of written expression. He told me: “I sit there and I sit there and I can’t get anything down on paper. I have ideas but nothing seems right. It’s really bad.” He was not only frustrated but also angry with himself for not being able to produce what he wanted. It was a double whammy. 

Two Types of Perfectionism

There are two types of perfectionism: adaptive and toxic. Adaptive perfectionism supports motivation, persistence and productivity. You get started on a task and stick with it until completion because you want to do a good job. You are able to express yourself athletically, artistically, academically or professionally. This type of perfectionism also contributes to the productive side of worry. It helps people by encouraging planning for a family dinner, getting to work on time or remembering to bring your passports on an international trip. 

Toxic perfectionism leads to overthinking, inaction, judgment and limitations. It reflects negative mindsets and perpetuates low self-esteem and defensiveness. When toxic perfectionism appears on the scene, it brings along several of its associates: self-criticism, rigidity, fear of disappointment and a failure mentality. Toxic perfectionism combines with worry about disapproval to stop people from making efforts or completing things. As a writer, it can be paralyzing and discouraging. 

Perfectionism and ADHD

When perfectionism shows up with ADHD, there is an extra burden of negative self-talk. You may think you’’re not good enough because people have told you that neurodivergence means ‘less than’. It’s so easy to fall into the cycle of “compare and despair”– looking at what other people are doing that you aren’t. Perfectionism is an inadequate attempt to overcompensate for this nagging sense of not measuring up. But, when you hold out your ADHD approval cup to others instead of filling it up yourself, you will always feel deficient. 

Let’s look at how you can reduce your perfectionism and write more freely. It all comes down to relying on a growth mindset and accepting that being perfect is a myth. Remember, the part of you that wants perfection isn’t perfect either! Breaking out of the “all or nothing” constraints of perfectionism is possible once you apply these helpful strategies. 

  1. Set Reasonable Goals

You know yourself well enough to assess what is possible and what is too much. People with ADHD often underestimate how long a task will take and overestimate their capacity to accomplish it. How well can you assess the length of time and effort needed to complete items on your list? Start each day by setting up to three achievable goals based on urgency and time deadlines. Next, break these down into microsteps. For example, instead of having a goal of writing the entire introduction to your paper or report, set the goal of writing one page. If that is too tough to begin or feels daunting, set the goal for one paragraph. There is nothing to be ashamed of–our aim is movement. When you finish this goal, great! Keep going onto the other two.

Notice your time. How long is it taking you to reach this goal? This information will help you structure your work periods in the future. If you thought writing a three page essay or report in four hours was doable but it actually took you five hours, then plan on using this information when setting future goals and plans for working. Perfectionism is less likely to creep in and break your momentum when you’re working towards goals you know you can accomplish.

2. Aim for Progress, Not Perfection

Making any kind of progress is better than being stuck. Even if you end up heading in a different direction, it’s still better than doing nothing at all. Getting the words out of your head into a document is the point–not evaluating the quality of each sentence after you write it. You can and will edit what you’ve created later. Just keep writing. Even if what you are writing is a stream of consciousness and doesn’t seem useful, keep going. You never know what you will keep. It’s the flow that matters. So tell your inner ogre who focuses on what is good or bad to sit down. Initial writing is generative; the evaluation will come later.

We learn from our efforts. No one ever figured out how to ride a bike without a few bumps and bruises. If later, you see that what you’ve written isn’t quite working (and this happens to everybody), you will just have to regroup, edit and pivot. Begin again using the same break-it-down strategy that helped you before. 

3. Set up Co-working

Working alone can be tough for anybody, but especially for people with ADHD. When there are other people around, the group can energize you, keep you on track and offer support. I practice what I preach. I have a few writing buddies and we all gather on Zoom on Friday mornings. We share what we plan to work on and turn off our mics and get to work. If we want to communicate with each other, we write something in the chat. Then at the end of our session, we check in again, sharing what we did and how we are feeling. It’s so helpful to break the isolation and feel the solidarity. Sometimes if one of us is stuck, we will ask if we can talk through an idea with them. This has been very helpful for addressing writer’s block.

4. Use Technology as Your Personal Assistant

Whether it’s a speech to text program or an online writing tool, there are many aids to help people write more effectively and efficiently. Grammarly, Scrivener or Evernote are great places to start. I especially like to recommend Goblin Tools to my clients. It has a Magic To Do list (type in a big task and it will break it down into smaller steps with a time estimate), Formalizer (transforms text into more formal writing), Compiler (do a brain dump and it will create a list for you), and Estimator (enter a task and it will give you a rough idea of how long it might take).

One of my favorite features of Goblin is the “Judge” tool – this feature acts as an impartial reader of your communication. Dump a draft memo or email  into “Judge”, and it will help you to determine if the tone of your communication could be misread, as well as suggest an alternate way to better communicate your message. It’s a great way to escape the grips of paralysis and anxiety caused by those pesky “what if’s”. 

5. Maintain a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset is the best tool in your ADHD toolbox, especially for perfectionists. More than just positive thinking, a growth mindset is about accepting yourself for who you are while opening your heart and your mind to learning and improving. It’s about understanding that we grow through trial and error, and that mistakes are part of that process. Errors don’t make you a failure, they reflect your natural humanity. Perfection is not the yardstick against which you measure yourself.  Aim for steadiness, consistency, and self-compassion instead. When you live with ADHD, it’s easy to fall back on perfectionism to compensate for executive functioning challenges and social insecurities. Unfortunately, this only feeds the pattern of needing approval to be ‘okay’. A growth mindset along with self acceptance will help you nurture essential resilience and lead you to share what is wonderful about yourself – warts and all. 

Overcoming ADHD Brain Fog

Dear Dr. Saline:

I’m a 30 year-old AuDHDer who would love your input. I pride myself on my ability to focus and concentrate on what needs to be done. I’m achievement-oriented and used to be able to blaze through a to-do list. Lately though, brain fog has been hitting me hard. It’s been a period of very high stress. I find myself struggling to make sense of things people say which I would previously decode with ease. I’m hoping this is temporary but it’s embarrassing. What can I do? 

Thanks!

Crystal

Dear Crystal-

Brain fog can certainly be disorienting, confusing and even a bit scary for folks with and without ADHD or autism. Brain fog refers to a group of symptoms that impact how you function cognitively–your thinking, your recall and your concentration. It can also reflect difficulty with making decisions, mental fatigue, slower response time and uncertainty. While we don’t know what causes brain fog exactly, research shows that it’s associated with chronic fatigue syndrome, long COVID, chemotherapy, autoimmune conditions or depression. But, brain fog is not a medical condition so you can’t be diagnosed with it. It’s more like a set of symptoms that arise when something else is going on and you are not thinking as clearly as you could.

As you have shared, the symptoms of brain fog can make it difficult for people to engage in conversations, perform routine daily tasks and follow instructions. Plus, brain fog differs from person to person, particularly women. In fact, it disproportionately affects women because of hormonal changes related to menstruation and menopause. For folks with ADHD who already struggle with focus, memory and organization, stress can bring on brain fog by overwhelming weaker executive functioning skills. 

Develop coping strategies for daily stress

Of course, living with ADHD and AuDHD means living with a baseline of stress that neurotypical adults don’t have to deal with. The consistent inconsistency of being neurodivergent leads to being unclear– if you will follow through on things, if you will arrive on time, and if people will like you. You may freeze in the moment, unsure of what to say or do. Perhaps you lose your train of thought more often and get distracted more easily. Or, maybe you interrupt others or say something awkward without knowing it. This is especially tough in the middle of social situations, peer interactions or important work meetings.

Rely on coping strategies

Crystal, it seems like you’ve developed some useful coping tools to help you make sense of what others are saying to you and respond effectively. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it is for you to deal with this disorienting brain fog. And, let’s be honest, everybody spaces out sometimes. Yes, this may happen more intensely and more often for folks living with ADHD due to how their brains are wired. You are not alone in your embarrassment when this occurs. But, being upset with yourself for something that you cannot control only increases your stress and worsens the very brain fog that is troubling you in the first place.

It seems that  the question you are asking is, “How do I navigate these moments with more ease and less self-criticism?” I think your first step to lower your stress. I am a big fan of being authentic. Authenticity means being transparent and non-defensive when you miss a comment in a conversation or do something that you later regret. Self-care, exercise and self-compassion are all ways to reduce the tension in your life and hopefully the brain fog too. Try these  strategies to lower your stress.

4 techniques to manage brain fog in your life:  

1. Reduce stress by focusing on one task at a time: In today’s busy, constantly connected world, we live with too much to do and not enough time to reset. When we take a walk while talking on our phone or scroll while eating lunch, we don’t actually give ourselves the true break that we really need. We shred our time into distracted chunks instead of having space to exhale and regroup. When we multitask, we stress our brains and exhaust ourselves. Opt for single tasking as often as possible. You may not be able to eliminate all media multitasking habits but, with single tasking, you’ll feel more productive and less stressed.

2. Get enough sleep:Nothing weakens our coping abilities like a lack of sleep. Many people with ADHD struggle with sleep issues. Typically, folks wrestle with three aspects of sleep: falling asleep, staying asleep and waking up. It can be tough to turn off your mind. Perhaps you experience racing thoughts, intrusive worries or a fitful night of sleep marked by “tossing and turning” throughout the night.

Some people sleep so deeply that they struggle to get up in the morning, requiring numerous alarm clocks or physical reminders. Think about your sleep needs: how much, when and what helps you relax. Practice consistent sleep habits by going to bed and waking up at the same times and staying off screens for at least thirty minutes before you nod off.

3. Exercise regularly: I cannot emphasize enough how much exercise helps with clear thinking. The endorphins that are released during exercise enhance focus and increase your overall sense of well-being. Moving your body has been found to improve motivation, build energy and reduce confusion. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommends that adults engage in at 150 minutes per week of moderate-intensity activity such as brisk walking, running, biking, etc. Of course, eating well helps your overall health too. So the next time that you are feeling brain fog descend, try to move your body and see what happens.

4. Chunk your activities and write things down: Instead of relying on hyperfocus, try breaking tasks down into 30-45 minute work blocks. You want to give your brain time to reset and rest a bit throughout the day rather than go intooverdrive and burnout. It can be tough for a lot of people who like to hunker down and plow through a set of projects. But overworking like this uses up the natural glucose fuel in the brain and then relies on cortisol. You wind up creating stress that doesn’t need to be there. Trying to remember everything also adds pressure. Give yourself a break and write things down. This also reduces stress and gives you the visual cues you need to be productive and stay focused.

Aim for reducing brain fog not eliminating it

Learning how to schedule adequate down time to integrate and process information, asking for someone to repeat what they said without self-criticism and taking care of yourself with good sleep, nutrition and exercise habits will reduce your overwhelm and your shame. Remember, brain fog is not your fault; you didn’t choose this. Instead, just explain what’s going on to someone when it is happening and move on. You’ve got this!

Surviving Back To School: A Neurodivergent Parent’s Guide

As thoughts begin to turn from planning picnics and BBQ’s to planning school lunches, our parental priorities shift from “summer fun” to “get it done.”  The back-to-school transition helps set the stage for a successful school year. It is a great opportunity to help equip kids with the tools they’ll need for a smooth start. But for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent students, this time of year can feel especially overwhelming, as it is so much more than just pencils and pens that our students need.  In fact, parents of children who have learning and thinking differences are more likely than other parents to say they feel stressed (39% vs. 28%, respectively), unprepared (19% vs. 12%), scared (17% vs. 9%), and/or lonely (10% vs. 3%) when it comes to back-to-school season. This week, I’ll share practical tips for how you can survive and thrive during this back-to-school season.

Adjust Expectations

As the parent or caregiver of a student with unique learning needs, you know that being flexible is essential. Why not give yourself that same space (and grace) to be able to NOT do it all, and remain flexible with what you’d like to accomplish? Setting too many goals at once – “I’ll arrange playdates every weekend,”  “We will eat breakfast as a family every day,” or “I’ll volunteer 5 hours in the classroom” – can feel overwhelming to both you AND your child.

Families living with ADHD can be especially sensitive to changes in routines. When new tasks are thrown into existing ones, confusion and frustration often come along for the ride. This year, consider viewing back-to-school tasks through the lens of what is truly important to your family’s needs. Instead of one long “to-do” list to slog through, focus on one or two things that are truly important for your family right now.  By limiting your goals and adjusting your expectations, you’ll minimize pressure on everybody and reduce family stress.  

Start Preparations Now with Low-Key Conversations

Now is a great time to begin easy conversations about returning to school – asking what your child is most excited about doing or seeing when they go back, what foods they look forward to in their lunchbox, who they’ll high-five first, etc. These are no-pressure conversations that signal change is afoot. Start with “Tell me what you know about….” this new grade or this new school. You’ll get a sense of their level of understanding and be better prepared to meet them where they are.

By pairing these conversations with visual cues at home such as a countdown calendar, displaying photos of familiar school staff and classmates, meeting their teacher or walking the hallways of a new school, you’ll help make going “back to school” seem less frightening and more familiar.  These conversations are just as important with college age students so set aside some time to start now! 

Set a Positive Course with Collaboration

Setting a positive course for this year depends on collaborating with your son or daughter to establish clear goals and useful strategies. Kids with ADHD spend a lot of time listening to what they could do differently from caring adults, friends,

coaches, etc. By including some of their opinions in whatever program you create, you increase their buy-in. When they feel like their ideas matter, these kids are far more likely to cooperate. So, start this school year with a calm, honest family conversation.This chat sets the tone for how you will work together to make it a success.

Take the Time to Reflect First

Before you sit down with your son or daughter, consider your responses to these questions: 

  • What do you hope for your child or teen this year?
  • What went well last year and why?
  • Can you identify any behaviors or decisions that made a positive difference? 
  • What were some of the challenges? What improved them?

When you’re ready for your conversation, ask them similar questions. Offer some of your reflections and see if you can agree on some goals for this fall. Write these down and, together, choose one to start with.  It can be fun to treat this as a “time capsule” too: make a copy and place it in an envelope to be opened at the end of the semester. Then you can review how things actually worked out–the successes and the challenges.- kept in an envelope until the end of the year (or month, semester, etc.), then reviewed together and discussed.  

Practice time management skills now

Many children who are neurodivergent struggle with time and get frustrated.This makes morning routines tricky and causes conflict.

It’s harder for them to feel time, plan for things accordingly and then actually do them. They tend to overestimate how long a task will take and how much effort it entails. Then they feel overwhelmed, procrastinate or avoid it altogether. Or, they underestimate how long a task will take and the effort involved. Then they leave things until the last minute, rush to complete them and feel very stressed in the process.

Use Backwards Design to Teach Time and Planning Skills

When planning school schedules, practice using backwards design with your child to help them plan – in reverse – for where they want to be (or want to have done) in the future.  This means working backwards  by starting with the end goal and allocating time accordingly.  Sit down in advance and review what needs to be accomplished and how long things actually take.

“You have to be at school by 7:30. It takes  twenty minutes to ride your bike, lock it up and get to homeroom so that puts you at 7:10. Before that, you want to eat breakfast (ten minutes), go to the bathroom, brush your teeth and get dressed (fifteen minutes) which puts you at 6:55 am. Then you have to wake up. Usually you hit the snooze button once or twice which lasts another fifteen minutes. So that means you have to set my alarm for 6:40 if everything goes perfectly. Maybe we should set it earlier for this week, just in case.”

Backwards design benefits kids by teaching them how to estimate time, develop the ability to sequence events and improve planning and prioritizing. 

Notice the Positive to Raise Self-esteem

Parents of neurodivergent children are 2.4 x’s more likely to experience challenges related to their mental health than their parent peers, making self care strategies an essential component of your back-to-school parenting toolkit.  Equally important, however, is to extend these practices to neurodivergent learners with ADHD. They benefit from explicit support and instruction in identifying and incorporating positive events in their day that nurture self-esteem.

Spend a few minutes at the end of the day and check in with your child, asking “What are two things that went well today? What were your favorite times of the day?” Many kids with ADHD tend towards negative mindsets marked by internal self-criticism and judgment. Shifting their thinking not only nurtures growth mindsets but also self-care. By noticing what is working, they start to feel more confident and courageous. Set aside a time to review two highs and one low of the day. Often dinner is a good place to do this. One of my clients calls this talking about “the happy and the crappy;” for another it’s “the rose and the thorn.” 

Your Self-Care Makes Family Life Stronger

Noticing the positive applies to you too. Self-care goals or guidelines for this year bc when parents are stressed kids pick it up and act out.  As adults, we tend to think acts of self care look like bubble baths, a piece of chocolate, reading a book, etc. But setting boundaries, keeping organized, and lowering the pressure of unrealistic expectations also provide much needed relief.  Before tending to your child, start this school year off on the right foot by reflecting on your capacity, your limits and treating yourself with compassion. Then you can show up and guide your child towards thriving once classes begin.

  Ready, Set…LET’S GO!

Back to school will be a breeze for you and your child with neurodivergence when it includes collaborative conversations, time for community support, opportunities to practice time management, setting realistic expectations, and room for personal growth and positive reinforcement.  Help your child or teen navigate this shift back to school by easing them into the changes ahead with the tips above, and you’ll feel ready to tackle this time of year together! 

 

Boost Mental Well-Being for Women with ADHD: Reduce Self-Criticism and Build Self-Confidence

May is Women’s Health Month: a time to recognize and advocate for women’s physical and mental health care. Women with ADHD, and those who care for neurodivergent children, frequently deal with additional stressors, anxiety and depression, often without adequate support. At the same time, they can berate themselves for the things they are not in the face of impossible social standards laid out for females of all ages. Self-doubt frequently creeps in and plagues your ability to make decisions and feel good about your choices. Sadly, too many women with ADHD are often their harshest and loudest critics, making it tougher to feel good enough, worthy and empowered. Psychological and emotional wellness for women begins with learning to quiet that negative inner-voice, practice self-compassion and develop resilience.

The harsh feedback loop in women with ADHD

Women are socialized to please others and take care of them–emotionally, physically and psychologically. Their self-worth can be tied to what people think about them and how many friends (real or virtual) they have instead of the uniqueness of their innate talents and personal traits. In today’s busy and over-connected world, it’s easy to compare yourself to others and come up short. Suddenly you may find yourself in a cycle of negativity in the midst of scrolling your Instagram while waiting in line for a latte or for school pick-up. This self-critical feedback, generated from years of messages about missing the mark, tuning out during a conversation, or being chronically late, can be hard to shake off. Women with ADHD, already sensitive to feedback or rejection, repeatedly interpret things more negatively and personally than the situation may actually call for. They are especially vulnerable to feelings of low self-worth.

Change your relationship with the negative voice

While it’s unrealistic to eliminate negative thinking, reducing its power and influence is crucial for fostering self esteem and resilience–two key issues for women. You have to change your relationship to the negative voice: to separate actions you regret and the layer of shame you add onto them. Identify the lies that voice tells you such as: “You are stupid, you make bad choices or nobody likes you.” We all have moments when we doubt or blame ourselves. But there is a difference between what happens in real life and the stories that you tell yourself about those events. These harsh interpretations directly influence the way someone takes meaning from whatever occurred. 

Although the inner critic seems to increase insecurity and self-loathing, deep down it’s goal is to protect you and ensure you are safe. It puts you down in a misguided effort to keep you from experiencing pain from others. If you already think you aren’t good enough, then whatever anybody else says on this subject can’t hurt you. Nobody can be more critical of you than you are of yourself so you avoid the vulnerability of receiving negative feedback. This may sound confusing and even crazy but it happens for all of us.

Stumbling and regrouping is part of being human

It’s natural for all of us to stumble and make mistakes. Being accountable for an error and making amends to set things on a better course differs significantly from repeated apologies, not learning from your experience and engaging in the blame game. Your goal is to turn down the volume and intensity of that negative voice by acknowledging and accepting who you are in a given moment with whatever resources you have available. You don’t have to believe what the inner critic is saying. Instead, acknowledge the feedback loops in your mind without being ruled by them. See the inner critic as the irrational, unbalanced and demented protector it is–holding you back from taking risks and sharing your true self with the world.

Make space for confidence and resilience with a growth mindset

The most powerful tool women have to counter negative thinking is self-esteem and its cousin, resilience. Confidence empowers you to make decisions, get through life’s ups and downs and recover after setbacks. It’s your inner ally. Confidence also helps quiet the inner critic by reassuring it that your wise, inner self has the resources to meet whatever challenges you are facing. So while you’re quieting your inner critic, turn up the volume on the voice that nurtures you with compassion, kindness and support.

  1. Identify limiting core beliefs and negative self-talk. Name your limitations and the ways that you put yourself down. Then, find evidence that contradicts those beliefs. Write these down. If you believe that people don’t really like you, think about the ones who do. Recall a time when you had fun together. Write this down as a reminder. Remember that no one is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Talk to people in your life who love and know you best and get their perspective on all your best qualities.
  2. Separate feelings from being: Feeling bad doesn’t mean you are less than or unworthy. It may be tough, but your work is to stop letting negative feelings from defining who you are. Imagine that your mind is the sky and your thoughts and feelings are clouds that pass by. They aren’t the essence of the beautiful blue expanse of who you are. Use self-affirming phrases such as “I can feel anger without overreacting,” “I’m disappointed in myself but I’m not a bad person” or “I can try something new and handle whatever happens because I’ve done that before.” 
  3. Nurture a growth mindset approach: Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others, using false comparisons or judging yourself as less than. Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. If you are saying something to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a third grader with a skinned knee, stop. Remember that we are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of “YET.” Tell yourself, “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.” Practice kindness and patience towards yourself.
  4. Create phrases of encouragement to strengthen your inner ally: Having a few helpful phrases to say to yourself can really help you get through those low moments. Positive self-talk counter-acts that negative voice so you don’t have to believe it. Build your confidence, reinforce your strengths and tame your inner critic with reminders of your gifts and traits. Sample statements might be: “Everyone makes mistakes, including me. What can I do differently next time?” OR, “There’s no such thing as perfection. It’s okay to stumble, just keep trying.” Write these down on your phone so they’re handy when you need them.
  5. Practice mindfulness and self-compassion with meditation: Picture yourself in your “happy place”–somewhere you love where you feel calm and content. Visualize the face of someone whom you love and trust. What supportive words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Put your hand over your heart and send their love to you. Write these phrases down and return to these images and words whenever you need a boost. Learning how to fill up your own bucket fosters the essential resilience women need now more than ever. 

If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of knocking yourself down, learning to pull yourself back up takes A LOT of practice and grit. Learning to control the volume on that negative voice is a life skill based on persistent resilience and genuine self-esteem. It’s one step at a time so stay patient because two steps forward and one step backwards is still forward motion. 

 

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How 3 Useful Changes Can Make Positive Differences in Your Life

HOW 3 USEFUL CHANGES CAN MAKE POSITIVE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR LIFE

Proactive change is a fascinating thing. It’s the type of change you seek when you desire a shift in your life. You might have identified an area you want to improve, a behavior you want to stop, or a wish you want to manifest. You are ready for a transformation but may feel overwhelmed with where to begin or what to focus on. Change is possible through desire, small steps, and support.

This week, I attended the educationally stimulating ICD Virtual Conference, “Shining a Spotlight on ADHD.” There were three terrific speakers- Melanie Sobocinski, PhD, PCC, Sharon Saline, Psy.D, and Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA. They shared a wealth of information. I’m focusing on three ideas I learned about change that I thought would be especially helpful.

Read the article! Oh, So Organized

Four Tips for Navigating Tricky Family Relationships This Holiday Season

family outdoors at a candy stallWhile being with our family and extended relatives can be rewarding, fun and loving, very few people actually live the Hollywood depictions of holidays and family gatherings. Instead, many of us spend our time together carefully navigating a field littered with unexpected potholes, tripping up and stumbling around. Old wounds, frequent misunderstandings and difficult conversations can make special events challenging. For people living with ADHD, there is the added layer of dealing with relatives who don’t understand or believe in neurodivergence. Whether it’s unwanted advice about being more organized, unhelpful tips for disciplining kids and embarrassing tales about your history of lateness, the holidays may not be everything you wish they were. What can you do differently this year to survive and enjoy the family gatherings?

Set Limits

cookiesMany people with ADHD are triggered when they see relatives because these folks may have hurt you previously with criticism, judgments and lectures about the exact things that make you  neurodivergent. Yet, you can’t change the past. Since you’ve arrived at this holiday event, it’s safe to assume that some part of you wants to be there. Regardless of how anyone acts or speaks, you don’t have to lower yourself to their level. Reflect on and set limits in advance of the gathering what you will and will not tolerate. Maybe write these down on your phone or in your journal. The more that you feel empowered, the better you will feel about your own responses. 

Make Choices Which Work For You

feet in front of the fireHigher levels of stress lower our capacities to think clearly and increase our tendencies for becoming dysregulated. It can be beyond frustrating when your extended family lets you know that you (or your child) are acting ‘inappropriately’, that you lack persistence and that you have unfulfilled potential. Disapproval never feels good and fuels the shame and blame game over and over. Despite being mightily triggered, you can make alternative choices to keep yourself in check and protected.  Choose not to buy into whatever toxic patterns are around you. Instead, remember that you are a smart, creative and worthwhile individual, regardless of whatever misguided or unkind things anybody says. If you are wrestling with this, consider how your favorite superhero, caring friend, coach, educator or any respected public figure (e.g. Superwoman, Batman, your first grade teacher, LeBron James or Michelle Obama) would act in this situation and what they might tell you to do. 

4 Tips for A Pleasant Holiday Season

woman playing in snowSince we can’t expect ourselves to be perfect in these intense get-togethers, we need a set of tools to assist us in getting through. Think about your ultimate goal for this holiday season and what it means in your family to get along. Then follow these four steps for creating more holiday calm and cheer:    1. Do not import what other people are exporting: The first thing to do is to put on your Teflon suit. Whatever someone says to you, no matter how ignorant it is about ADHD or mental health issues, shows you more about who they are and less about who you are. Holidays are probably not the ideal time for education but if you have a few key facts at your fingertips, you may be able to teach instead of react. For example, Here are three good ones: 

    1. About 9-10% of all children and teens in the United States have a diagnosis of ADHD and approximately 5-6% of adults do too. 
    2. ADHD is a biologically-based, often inherited condition that affects attention, learning and behavior. 
    3. ADHD has nothing to do with laziness or willpower and is a condition that affects emotional regulation too.

Acknowledge any frustration they may be expressing about a trait or behavior related to ADHD without trying to convince them otherwise. Use these (or other) and direct them to a website or two for more information. Then, arm yourself with one or two practiced responses to maintain your self-control. Possibilities include: “Thanks for your feedback. I will consider that.” Or, “I would prefer not to discuss ADHD right now. Let’s just enjoy our meal.”  2. Line up your support team: If you were a world class cross country runner, there are several things you would do to prepare for the race. First, you would train to gain strength and stamina. Secondly, you would eat well and make sure to get enough sleep. Thirdly, you would surround yourself with people who believe in you, who encourage you and who help you in times of need (a bandage for your knee when you trip or water along the route). When visiting your family, you will also need a support system. In advance of the visit, talk with caring friends or other close relatives who understand ADHD about the challenges you may face at holiday gatherings. Brainstorm a few responses to any troubling situations. Then, plan to eat, rest and get some exercise when you are there. Taking care of yourself allows you to be present and respond instead of react. Lastly, use your support system as your lifeline: text or call folks when you are overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated or sad. You don’t have to handle things alone so don’t. 3. Avoid controversial topics of conversation: Stick to neutral areas of communication. It’s perfectly acceptable to let people know you don’t want to discuss something, excuse yourself from the table or go to the bathroom to regroup. There is no need to suffer through a discussion that is upsetting you or your children. Pick your moments to play this card carefully and do it calmly without blame. You are allowed to take breaks. Ignore whatever feedback you may receive and text one of your lifelines for virtual advice or a hug. Be clear and clean in your communication too. If you happen to get worked up or even lose your temper, be accountable, apologize and move on. Everybody trips up sometimes and this was your moment. That’s okay. Just stay off the shame spiral so you don’t over apologize or take on humiliation that isn’t yours.  4. Focus on what is going well: It’s easy to look at what isn’t working, what could go better and what you wish others would say or do rather than their actual words or actions. But this will only increase your frustration and the likelihood that you will lose your cool. Instead, focus on what is going right. Small or big moments when people expressed kindness, humor, warmth and consideration. If those moments haven’t occurred, that is not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. People who are related may care about each other but may not get along very well. That’s the honest truth which can be sad and disappointing about families. But you can shift your perspective to make this holiday gathering different. This is why it’s crucial to notice whatever goes well or well enough. Practice gratitude and appreciation and model this for others. If you need a break during a tough moment, go to the bathroom. Wash your hands and your face and say to yourself, “I’ve got this. I am strong and resilient. I live every day with ADHD and I know how to pivot and move forwards.”

Are Your Kid’s Meltdowns a Sign of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

Are Your Kid’s Meltdowns a Sign of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

If you’ve noticed that your child is exhibiting sudden emotional outbursts, crying, or even aggressive behavior when they feel rejected or criticized—often leading to social isolation—it’s possible that they are affected by Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

Rejection Sensitive Dsyphoria is an emotional sensitivity and emotional pain triggered by the perception—not necessarily the reality—of being rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in one’s life. It is often a symptom of ADHD, but can also present as a stand alone condition. Read the article!

ADHD and The Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the Feeling that You Are Never Enough

ADHD and The Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the Feeling that You Are Never Enough

Does this scenario resonate with you? THEM: What a bang-up job you did in the meeting today! So smart the way you handled that. YOU: Oh, it was just luck that I happened to have that info. TO YOURSELF: (Wow, dodged another bullet. One of these days they are going to find out how much I actually stink at this.)

Read the article!

The Unspoken Truths of Postpartum Depression: Help for Women With and Without ADHD

“The Unspoken Truths of Postpartum Depression: Help for Women With and Without ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #470]

Pregnancy and childbirth are life-altering events, and it is not uncommon for postpartum mood disturbances to impact the mental health of new mothers. Studies suggest that ADHD increases the risk for experiencing postpartum mood disorders (PPMD), a form of postpartum depression (PPD), which are often triggered by dramatic hormonal fluctuations, inadequate sleep, and the new and relentless demands of caring for an infant. Postpartum symptoms may also exacerbate ADHD symptoms in some women and can impact the wellbeing of the entire family.

Listen here!

ADDitude