Creating Incentives that Work: How to do you get your child or teen to do things around the house? Do you ask your daughter nicely to set the table at first but then resort to yelling when she won’t get off her phone? Do you calmly warn your son that it is time to turn off the television but then shut it off angrily when he ignores you? Is there more stress than cooperation in your family than your would ideally like? Many parents struggle with the challenge of motivating their children and teens to do what they are supposed to do when they need to it—whether or not the kids have ADHD. In our world today, the technological gadgets and social media networking sites are far more seductive and rewarding than ever before. For kids with ADHD, such activities are more than distractions: they are completely absorbing. To set successful limits on these activities and help your son or daughter focus on what needs to be done now (like chores, homework, job, etc), you have to use an effective incentive program to reward desired behaviors. Now, you may ask: “What is the difference between a rewards and a bribe?” Good question!! A bribe is something appealing that you give to someone before she performs the desired task. For instance, we see bribes in crime shows on television all of the time: “Hey, here’s a hundred bucks if you take this package across the street.” Frequently, the package doesn’t arrive and the runner takes off with the cash. An incentive is something appealing that you give to someone after they have completed the desired action. On a crime show, this would look like: “Here’s a package that goes across the street. When you have delivered it successfully, come back and I’ll give you a hundred bucks.” The runner delivers the package, returns and gets paid his wage. Now obviously, I am not suggesting that we should make our families into crime shows. These are just examples to clarify that incentives reward desired behaviors. Research on children and teens with ADHD has shown that reward incentives that are desirable for the kids and immediately given out support improved behavior on a number of executive functioning tasks. This means that when the incentives are attractive, they can help improve skills such as planning, organizing, persistence and self-control. Here are some guidelines for setting up incentives that work for your ADHD kids and will work for you too!

1. Take a few moments and think about what your child LOVES to do: the options can range from go out for ice cream, to playing Minecraft, to using Facebook or Instagram, to watching television, to sleepovers, to using your car. Make a list of all of these things BEFORE your start a conversation with him. Remember that these are privileges, not entitlements.
2. In a calm moment, ask your daughter what are her favorite ways of spending time. Write these down and then go over your ideas with her.
3. Together, pick one area of his life that could use improvement: getting started with homework, cleaning up after dinner, hanging up the wet towel from his shower instead of leaving it on his bedroom floor, getting to school on time, etc.
4. Now, pick one item from the favorite activities list and link it directly to the activity you have chosen. For example, if the desired goal is getting ready for school on time and the favorite activity
5. This is a process of negotiation but you must hold firm about the goal and figure out collaboratively what the appropriate incentive is to obtain it. If things get tense, take a mutual break but come back to it before the day is over.

You CAN create a win-win situation with this process. You obtain the behavior that you want without losing your cool and your child or teen gets something s/he wants too.

Over the years, I have noticed that many, many ADHD kids seem to have trouble with writing. While some kids like it because it is a venue for expressing their many ideas quickly and creatively, others despise it because getting even a few words on the page is torturous. Sometimes the physical act of writing is hard and penmanship can be tough to decipher. Organizing thoughts in their heads and translating them into coherent essays requires that several key Executive Functioning skills run simultaneously like clockwork. These skills, naturally weaker in people with ADHD, synthesize writing into a linear, well-formed essay. Writing can often be a source of tension in ADHD families for children who struggle with it. Just as asking neutral, probing questions about learning styles related to reading and math skills leads you to helping your child improve in those areas, discussing your child’s individual and idiosyncratic process of writing with them can reduce the mystery and frustration about it. In a calm moment, grab a pen and paper and try a conversation like this:

1. Together, identify something that is easy or not that bad  about writing. Maybe it’s getting an idea, maybe it’s researching a topic, maybe it’s the typing. Find something and jot it down. Emphasize aloud that this is something your child or teen does well.
2. Next, help your son or daughter make a list. This list will use a rating scale from 1 to 10: 10=THE VERY HARDEST PARTS of writing; 1=THE LEAST HARDEST PARTS of writing. Using this language is important. You have already found something (maybe a few things) that your daughter says is easy. Now you are trying to get a specific sense of what the most difficult aspects of writing are and how she thinks about them. Use the list of basic skills needed for writing (shown below) to help you. Add any of your own that you think would be important. Some ADHD kids prefer to talk out their ideas instead of writing them down; include this on your list too if it is true for your child.
3. Brainstorm alternatives to areas that your child identifies as THE VERY HARDEST PARTS. These ideas can include getting writing support at school from teachers, going to a writing center at school, working with a friend or finding a writing tutor. They can also involve breaking writing assignments into smaller, achievable parts and making sure their teachers give them clear guidelines for writing that take into account where they need the most help.

List of basic Executive Functioning skills needed for writing: Coming up with basic ideas (initiation) Selecting ideas that are relevant and do-able (prioritizing) Remembering information about the topic to focus ideas (working memory) Making an outline or plan of your project (planning, prioritizing, organizing) Putting together research with your own thoughts (organizing, sequencing) Amount of time it takes to do writing (time management) Being able to continue on the project until it is finished (goal persistence) In general,  I don’t advise having you proofread or teach writing to your ADHD child or teen if there is already conflict about written work in your home. If your child is open to your assistance, then of course give it. Otherwise, let the teachers or tutors do this so you can stay with your role as supportive parent. That’s what your son or daughter really needs most to help them manage their writing frustration and build confidence.  Good luck!

It’s that holiday time of the year again. In all of the hustle and bustle to plan get togethers, shop for presents, wrap them and prepare festive meals, we sometimes are  just too busy to stop and consider the blessings in our lives. I am not talking about the things people post on Facebook or Instagram. Rather, I am thinking about being grateful for our families and the people in them–for the ways that make them unique and lovable to you. Being able to appreciate ADHD kids for who they are–talents, warts and all is especially important to helping them develop the healthy self-esteem they need to grow into happy, productive adults. Ideally, noticing what your child is doing well happens every day or close to it. During the holidays, when many families spend extra time together, you have additional opportunities to connect positively with your kids and show them how grateful you are to have them in your life. Too often, ADHD kids hear more about the ways in which they miss the mark than the ways that they make a hit. Paying attention to what you love about them offers a balance for those ‘misses’ and the holidays are the perfect time to even the score a bit. At this time of year, when the days are shorter, when we are living in the midst of giving and receiving, I encourage you to bring some extra light to your ADHD families by thinking about these questions:

1. What do you really appreciate about your ADHD son or daughter? When was the last time you told them? Can you make an effort to say something during the next week at a time when they are showing you what you love?
2. What unique gifts does your ADHD son or daughter have? How do you let them know what is special about them?
3. What interests your child? How can you join them in something that is fun for them over the holidays even if it isn’t your favorite thing?

Acknowledging the positive, noticing individual talents and doing activities together all show your ADHD child or teen that you care about who they are and you are glad that they are in your lives. They see how much they matter to you while you are showing them what giving love really looks like. You also nurture their self-confidence by spending quality time together. Most importantly, you reflect the essence of the holiday season by giving and receiving joy from the strength of your connectedness with your child and family. Ultimately, isn’t this what celebrating the holidays is all about?! I wish you and your families peace, love and health in the New Year.

Parents often ask me for the keys to raise their ADHD kids into effective, happy adults. Sometimes it’s hard for them to see that the struggles of today will eventually transform into the successes of tomorrow. Between the daily reminders about organization, homework completion, doing chores and treating others respectfully, it can be easy to lose your temper and your faith that your efforts will pay off. Will your ADHD sons and daughters will learn the life lessons you are trying to teach them? How can you maintain your cool, your hope and your positivity in light of the inevitable bumps you will encounter?

5 C’s of ADHD parenting

In over 25 years of working with youth and families, I have seen that there are ways of being a capable ADHD parent and raising capable ADHD kids that really work. They are what I call the 5 C’s of ADHD parenting: self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency and Celebration. By using these tools, you can reduce your stress, create peace in your family and increase cooperation and love all around.

1. Self-Control

Learning to manage your own feelings first so you can act effectively and teach your ADHD child to do the same.

2. Compassion

Meet your child where they are, not where you expect them to be.

3. Collaboration

Work together with your child and co-parent (if one exists) to find solutions to daily challenges instead of imposing your rules on them.

4. Consistency

Do what you say you will do–over and over and over again.

5. Celebration

Acknowledge what’s working and doing more of it, day after day after day.

Incorporating the 5 C’s

The trick to using the 5 C’s is making them part of your parenting routines. Take time to cool off when you are aggravated with your son; show concern and support for your daughter when her struggles annoy you; talk about any problems and come up with alternatives as a team; be steady and predictable. Even when you feel like giving up, stay positive–and notice what is going well, no matter how small. Start today and you will see a difference before you know it!

Read more blog posts! Learn more about Dr. Saline’s Home Study Seminar for Parents of kids with ADHD: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/