Managing Uncertainty With Your Family During COVID-19: More than deep breathing

Mother resting her forehead on his daughter with ADHD's forehead, both wearing blue shirts and masks, trying to manage uncertainty with her family.This new “normal” isn’t anything we’re accustomed to. With school closures, social distancing, working from home, job lay-offs and 24/7 family time, everybody is making huge adjustments to the massive disruption wrought by COVID-19. While we adults struggle to wrap our brains around these changes, it’s even harder for children and teens who may or may not understand why they are home. Managing uncertainty with your family during COVID-19 will likely be a continuous process for quite some time. Take time to get familiar with anxiety-reducing practices, and make a habit of family check-ins so you all can feel the support from one another during this difficult experience. Kids and teens are now separated from friends, family and familiar activities like school, sports, music, drama, etc. They feel ripped off and, frankly, lack a sense of control about their lives. And then there’s the worry. Daily news reports increase our anxiety. We’re concerned for our loved ones while simultaneously feeling helpless to protect them and ourselves. Many of us are living more anxiety than we are accustomed to and it’s not a particularly pretty picture. And yet, human beings have built-in hope and fortitude. We have all been through challenging times in our lives (perhaps not to this extent) and survived. I’m convinced we will survive this too–although the timeline may take longer than any of us anticipated. How can we apply our resilience from the past struggles to help us in this moment? How can we assist our family in managing their uncertainty along with their disappointment, frustration and loneliness?

Getting to the root of anxiety, and how best to approach it.

Teen holding his hands up to his head and looking anxiously at the camera while trying to manage uncerainty.Anxiety comes from wanting safety and security and being unsure that they will occur. It wants to make uncomfortable feelings go away and, right now, that’s not really possible. When it comes to managing uncertainty with your family, you don’t want to dismiss your children’s anxiety. Instead, you want to respond to it in ways that are healthy, while managing your own worries, too.

Avoiding anxiety, or pushing it aside, only makes it stronger. Attempting to resolve each worry is like playing a game of Whack-a-mole: once one worry is gone, another will pop up in its place. Instead, this is the time to take a step back and examine how your child’s anxiety operates by focusing on the way it works—the process and not the content.

Managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family by using the 3 R’s:

Reflect, Recognize & Reset.

Instead of minimizing your kids’ feelings, or trying to get rid of them by saying things like, “Don’t worry, we’ll be fine” or, “You can still talk to your friends on social media,” acknowledge how they are feeling. Offer them tools to tolerate the discomfort of their emotions.

Offer these words instead: “Of course you’re disappointed and angry that graduation may be cancelled. It’s terribly sad.”  Or, “Of course you’re missing your friends and hanging out. It’s lonely not seeing them in person.”

You are listening compassionately and reflecting back what you hear. Since you can’t make this situation go away, you acknowledge its reality and how your son or daughter is affected by it. You validate their issues and recognize any patterns.

Then, you figure out together what is the next right thing to do to move forward. This is a collaborative process based on brainstorming and, if the well runs dry, a few suggestions based on their interests. You help them reset in a moment when they’re lost or overwhelmed or frustrated.

Building resiliency: The other crucial piece to dealing successfully with uncertainty.

Child in the middle of rock wall climbing.

Anxiety is very skilled at causing amnesia about memories of past successes—times when your child or teens faced a fear and overcame the obstacle. To build confidence in the ability to tackle and survive tough times, and the unknown, kids need reminders of their previous achievements. You’re accessing and fostering their inner resilience as you recall together those moments when you’ve seen them recover from obstacles. Write some of these down and post them in the kitchen. Consider doing this for yourself, too.

5 steps for managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family during COVID-19:

When we are worried, we are tense. Kids feel our stress and it increases their own anxiety. Follow these steps to reduce your family’s stress and anxiety.

1. Name the anxiety.

It’s easier to band together to fight the worry monsters that are invading our homes if we identify them. “Oh, there’s Donald Downer, making everyone feel scared again” or, “Here’s Fantasy Fred, imagining the worst.” Consider making a family drawing or writing a funny song about the effect of anxiety in your lives. Enlist your teen’s assistance. Managing uncertainty with your family takes teamwork, and your kids are likely to have some creative ideas and insights, regardless of their protesting.

2. Be honest, without over-sharing.

It’s okay to share a sanitized version of some of your concerns without going into the details. There’s a big difference between, “Yes, I think about Grandma and Grandpa too and wish we could visit them,” and, “I’m so worried about my parents and how they are managing. I don’t want them to get sick and die.”

Be careful about how you discuss your own anxiety within your child’s earshot: little pitchers do have big ears. Try to avoid talking about how much you want an extra glass of wine to soothe your nerves. While that may well be true, you’re also conveying to your kids that self-medicating is a coping tool. That’s not the message we want them to learn.

3. Offer daily kindnesses.

Mother tickling her son while he's laughing joyously.

Make a family agreement to do something nice for one person each day. Brainstorm some suggestions together and write these down as reminders. This creates positive plans that are helpful when managing uncertainty with your family. If someone can’t think of anything, you can refer them to the list. Before bed, ask your kids what they did that day or perhaps share these at dinner.

4. Catch them doing something positive.

People are getting on each other’s nerves with each day of confinement. Start a wall of being good. Get some Post-It’s or a large sheet of paper and tape it to a wall. Whenever you catch your kids doing something positive—their schoolwork, chores, playing a game, etc.—write it down. At the end of the week, call a short family meeting and read what’s on it. This turns the attention away from what’s not working to what is.

5. Use bedtime to check in:

Once they’re under the covers, sit or lie down with them for a few moments. Ask them about a highlight of their day—anything. Whether it’s small—“I liked the pancakes this morning” or something bigger—“My teacher liked my essay,” celebrating whatever happiness occurred in the day will shift the negative focus and decrease anxiety. These moments help manage uncertainty with your family by focusing on today. It also counters the fears, disappointments and frustrations by offering a fresh perspective.

Mother and daughter with their dog looking at a book with a flashlight under sheets.

While you can’t make uncertainty go away, you can reduce its influence on your family.

Use a daily schedule to bring structure to your days so kids know generally what to expect during their waking hours. Take a daily walk outside and notice your environment: identify new flowers or leaves emerging, pick a color and name things with that hue or count dogs, bicycles, squirrels, etc. This is the time to help your kids learn how to manage their upsets by listening to their concerns, validating what you hear and figuring out together how to move forward.


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ADHD Essentials Podcast: COVID-19 & What to Do When You and Your Kids are Stuck in the House

Today’s episode starts with my thoughts about COVID-19, and how to respond to it.  (Like ordering a bidet!)  I hope you find them useful, and maybe even a little reassuring. After that, we’re talking to my friend, Dr. Sharon Saline.  Dr. Saline is a licensed, clinical psychologist specializing in ADHD, and the author of “What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew”. In today’s episode, Sharon and I are talking about what to do when your kids are cooped up at home.  We did the interview through the lens of a snow day, but it works for quarantine and social distancing, too!  There’s a lot of really good information and ideas in here.  I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you’re able to navigate the current pandemic with as much ease and grace as possible. Click logo below to read more.

AttentionTalk Radio: ADHD & COVID-19––Managing Work and Kids at Home

It’s a unique time in world and American history. For the first time we’re basically putting the world on hold to combat the Coronavirus. Schools are closed and many are having to work from home. This is a challenge for everyone but especially for those who have an ADHD family. In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com) around thoughts and insights of how to manage work and kids at home as best you can. There is no perfect solution, but with the right strategies, relief can come. Listen to this interview to manage things and not let them manage you. Click the logo below to listen!

Set Up Routines Now! Tips for being home with kids with ADHD during COVID-19

Has it been another exhausting day of managing your son or daughter with ADHD at home due to school closures from COVID-19? It’s tough to juggle their activities, school work and sibling arguments with your own issues about employment changes  and trying to stay calm in the midst of national panic. What can you do to ease the stress and create a home structure that works for everybody?

First, take a deep breath. Think about what type of daily schedule you’d like to see for your family. What’s realistic to expect from yourself, your partner (if you have one) and your kids during this time? It’s reasonable to expect daily routines that include regular wake-up and bed times, blocks of time allocated for studying, chores, play and chilling out. It’s reasonable to expect that screens aren’t on 24/7. And it’s reasonable to predict that there will be laughter, fun as well as meltdowns and arguments. Once you accept these conditions, it will be easier to create a structure that works for everyone. Start by dividing the day into blocks for studying, doing chores, fun activities and chilling out. Follow these tips to help make your family’s plan and then post this in the kitchen. Expect to adjust this along the way.

  1. Set up formal study periods while you work at the table alongside your kids. Break assignments into do-able chunks and offer incentives for the completion of work. Make sure you include study breaks based on movement, snacks and time outside.
  2. Assign chores that your kids can do so that everybody is contributing to the household according to their age and ability.
  3. Set up screen and non-screen activity times. Brainstorm lists for each of these categories with your kids and plan for when they will occur. Give some screen time automatically each day but then leave the rest for your kids to earn through their cooperation.
  4. Play with your kids: If you give them your attention freely and positively, then they won’t need to act up to get it. Spend time outside and exercise together if you can.
  5. If you are now working from home, use your kids’ screen time to your advantage and schedule it for times that will help you.

Take time to answer kids’ questions about COVID 19 with facts and honesty. They are scared and confused and need you to clarify what’s happening. They seek reassurance that you’re taking care of their safety and may want to talk about how to maintain connections to their friends and extended family members. During this strange and frightening time, remember to take care of yourself so you’ll be available to take care of others. Reach out to folks for support but edit your phone conversations so you’re not discussing distressing content in front of your kids.

Kids and Mental Health Days

Mental health days can be very beneficial to kids for a much-needed break from the stress of school, particularly with kids who have ADHD, learning disabilities or high functioning ASD for whom school can be their hardest area of functioning.

When kids are particularly overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and fed up with school, a planned day off can be very helpful. These are days for rest, recovery and regrouping. Perhaps some time outside is in order: a walk, hike, or doing something athletic with you. Or maybe it’s a day with you a day in pajamas with limited screen time, playing board games, creating art projects, baking, reading or making music. I’ve worked with a number of kids with ADHD, LD or ASD who needed a break from the social and academic demands every 6-8 weeks. School was emotionally and physically draining for them. For adolescents who face increasing pressure to excel at everything, having a planned day off can be a lifesaver. Other kids benefit from a general agreement that they can have X number of days off per semester and you can choose these on an emergency basis (e.g. “I can’t take it anymore. I need a break”) or with certain dates set in mind. If a child doesn’t seem to rebound after this day and their symptoms of anxiety, sadness, depression or social difficulties persist, then I highly recommend finding a therapist to assist you in figuring out what is going on.

To be honest, I used mental health days with my daughter when she was a teenager. About twice a semester, she would hit a wall: she needed sleep and some down time to get her head back in the game.  So, we periodically gave her a “Sick-and-Tired” day off from school. It wasn’t planned but we had agreed as a family in advance that she could have 2 such days per semester. It was a successful collaboration: she felt that she got the mental health day she needed and we saw a positive difference when she returned to school.

Read more about the habits that hurt mental health

Parenting Impossible Podcast EP 38: Understanding Executive Functions in a Child with ADHD

Annette kicks off part two of her interview with Dr. Sharon Saline, a licensed clinical psychologist, a leading expert on ADHD and the author of the very popular book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew. This time, Annette and Dr. Saline discuss executive functions, how to understand them better and how to maximize these critical life skills for your child with ADHD. Dr. Saline says that for many with ADHD, autism or other learning challenges, executive functions can be challenging to manage. Click logo below to read more and listen.

Parenting Impossible Podcast EP 37: The 5 C’s of Being a Parent to a Child with ADHD

Annette talks about how to be a great parent of a child with ADHD this week. Her guest is Dr. Sharon Saline, a licensed clinical psychologist, a leading expert on ADHD and the author of the very popular book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew. Dr. Saline first discusses what ADHD actually is and walks listeners through what it takes to accurately diagnose a person whether they are a child or an adult with ADHD. She says that the symptoms that are used to diagnose a child versus and adult can be different depending on the age. She mentions that ADHD can change over time as we get older. Click logo below to read more and listen.

Psychology Today: Are You Tired of Losing Things?

It’s 15 minutes until the start of your first class and you can’t find your keys—again. You’re frantically searching through piles of clothes, empty bags of chips and piles of papers. You know you put them down, but where? Finally, at the last possible moment, you find them under your sweaty workout shorts and run as fast as you can to your class. While you hate starting your days like this, unfortunately it happens more mornings than not. What can you differently to manage your stuff? Click logo below to read more.

22 News Mass Appeal: Tips on how to help your children establish a healthy relationship with technology

(Mass Appeal) – Technology is not going anywhere, so it’s important to teach children how to have a healthy relationship with it. Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline joined us with four tips on establishing and modeling a healthy relationship with technology. According to Dr. Saline, first make sure your children has a healthy media diet and not a junk food addiction. The goal with this is to make media a part of a balanced life that includes activities other than technology. Tip two, technology affects self-understanding and kids are developing perceptions of themselves based on social media responses. It’s important to teach social skills directly. Third, teach kids how to streamline media and cut down on distractions when using computers for homework. Printing things out and closing social media windows can help. Finally, make sure parents are modeling this behavior at home. Put your phone away and spend quality time with your family. Click logo below to watch the video.