September 2022 - Dr. Sharon Saline

The Best Routines for Adults with ADHD: Reduce Stress & Anxiety

Many adults with ADHD struggle with structure, following rules and creating new routines. Starting a tedious, unrewarding task can be challenging, and it can be equally tough to stay with it until completion. Neurodivergent people can be overly fixated on maintaining a routine at the expense of other things, which can turn into a vicious cycle of frustration and self-defeat. Routines highlight how we spend the hours of our days and the days of our weeks. Whether it’s morning, bedtime, exercise, cleaning, self-care, or meals, these routines offer the structure that assists with creating the order all of us need to get by. Read more about steps you can practice to develop new habits that will decrease everyday anxiety and stress.

Why Routines Are Important

Maintaining routines is essential. They reduce stress and anxiety and improve mental health. Did you know that habits drive much of our behavior? According to Dr. Wendy Wood and Behavioral Scientist, 43% of what people do daily is made up of automatic responses. These automatic responses are comprised of habit loops. Habit loops are made up of cues, repeated behavior, and the benefit of doing it. Habits are patterns of behavior that are regularly repeated until they become almost involuntary. Of course, some habits and routines are healthier than others. Still, either way, the satisfaction of making a habit at the moment for kids and adults with ADHD can overtake rational thoughts of making a different choice. It’s tough for folks with executive functioning challenges to form mental shortcuts by recalling and repeating what worked in the past, persisting despite distractions, ignoring the impulsiveness to switch gears, or giving up due to overwhelming and distress.

About Bree

I worked with a client on time management and arriving at her job as a middle school teacher promptly, calmly, and ready for the day. Most days, she screeched into the parking ten minutes before the start of classes, drove around frantically looking for a parking spot, and then ran to her class with two minutes to spare. Bree felt embarrassed about her tardiness, disliked her high-stress levels, and wanted to demonstrate a better example for her students. It felt overwhelming to her for us to pick apart her morning routine and tweak it. What was simpler was to commit to arriving to work 45 minutes in advance and to plan to leave her house early enough to do that. But Bree needed accountability, or no change would occur. She reached out to her community and even her students for help. Here’s what happened, in her own words: “I decided to get to my school 30 minutes early each day. It’s a 30-minute drive with no traffic or parking issues, so I budgeted extra time for traffic, adding 20 minutes. This meant I left for work one hour and twenty minutes early. I told my friends and family about my goal. I also told my students. Everybody was super supportive, and two of my friends and my sister offered to text or called me fifteen minutes before I was set to leave each day for the first two weeks. I approached it one day at a time. Each day for the first week, when the school day began, and I was ready at my desk, the kids gave me high-fives. They saw my persistence! I feel so calm as I start the day now. I also get an excellent parking spot in the lot before it’s too crowded. It’s been one month of success. This is a new routine because I shifted one habit: from leaving late to leaving with enough time. I’m an adult with ADHD who has NEVER done this successfully in the past. I feel so accomplished.” With her community and students’ support, Bree created and maintained a new routine that reduces her life’s anxiety and stress.

5 Tips To Get You Started

Let’s look at five key aspects of setting up and maintaining routines for adults with ADHD so you can achieve similar success.

1. Name one aspect of your day that isn’t working for you

Be specific but with a narrow focus. This is what you want to change. One of the reasons that Bree was successful is that she selected one thing to work on, arriving at school earlier. Since she didn’t want to change what she did before going to work, she woke up earlier, regardless of the time she went to bed. Bree also set alarms and alerts on her phone and her computer and even bought an alarm clock. Many people with ADHD get too caught up in how to make something work because they have widened their field.

2. Organize the steps needed for your new routine

Do a brain dump of what needs to shift to remake your routine. Then, prioritize what is most important by taking a few items from this list and focusing on those. Define the main steps to change a habit and keep this brief. Figure out what types of planning or materials you need.

3. Identify what motivates you

Is it something external? Like an exceptional coffee, recognition from your boss, or the absence of late fees on your credit cards? Or is it something internal, like reaching a personal goal or the satisfaction of the accomplishment itself? There’s no right or wrong answer. Look for what’s most effective so things may change and you encounter success. It’s okay if you need external validation initially. Changing a habit for folks with ADHD often works better initially if the people around you notice your efforts. Bree’s students did this spontaneously for her, which touched her and helped her keep going. Is there a particular activity or words of acknowledgment that goes along with the new behavior that would feel good? Many adults with ADHD experienced a childhood littered with criticisms, judgments, and negativity for aspects of being neurodivergent that they could not control. The positive to negative balance in your head is probably still terribly skewed. So it makes perfect sense if you benefit from external and internal motivation.

4. Bring the Future Into the Present

One reason it’s so tough to change is that the consequences of not changing may not be immediate enough to pressure you to do it now. With your now or not now ADHD brain, unless the present is miserable, change won’t occur. So bring the future into the present. Consider how you will feel if you don’t follow through with the new routine that you’ve set up for yourself. Visualize your future and how you want to think about the present. Ask yourself, “Do I need to impose artificial consequences instead of waiting for natural, negative ones to occur?” and “How can you make this shift daily and nurture consistency without self-blame or shame?”

5. Find Accountability Buddies

Once you’ve narrowed down the habit you wish to change, set up a clear plan, and find accountability buddies. They will compassionately and firmly help you stick to your stated goal and assist you when you face an obstacle. When publicly sharing a purpose and plan, you transform an intention into action. It’s essential to commit to something doable that’s not too daunting. Aim for completion to keep building on your success. Do you have a friend, colleague, partner, coach, or therapist who could be your support? When professional tennis players start a match, they have a cheering section. Who can be in yours? It’s critical to have these folks around to celebrate your success and acknowledge it as the big deal it is.

Keep Going!

Creating a new routine means changing habits. It’s not just about when you do things but how, what, and why. The ‘why’ could be the reason you’re holding back. In some cases, you may be attached to a particular approach that may have served you in the past. These habits are developed to help you reduce stress, avoid something fearful or uncomfortable or decrease frustration. Ask yourself now: Is this routine serving me in my life currently? If the answer is ‘yes,’ great. Keep going with it. But if the answer is ‘no,’ then it’s time for a change.

6 Tips for Creating Effective Homework Habits for your Child with ADHD

Sometimes it’s hard for all of us to do things that we find challenging or boring. I certainly like to warm up with something easier before taking on a bigger task. Creating effective homework habits is invaluable for children and teens with ADHD, who tend to struggle with persistent inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. These obstacles get in the way of starting, focusing on, and completing homework. That’s why it’s important that parents of kids with ADHD help instill effective homework habits and provide support structures which guide kids to better outcomes. Kids are ultimately responsible for the heavy lifting of getting their school work done. But parents can set up their ADHD child for school success by getting them organized, holding them accountable, and providing plenty of encouragement along the way. It’s never too early to create effective study habits for your child. Let’s take a look at what this entails.

The value of instilling good study habits and routines

The surest way to counter your ADHD child’s forgetfulness, inconsistency and difficulty in focusing on homework is by setting up a routine of study habits followed by an incentive of an activity they enjoy. Predictability is key to getting the job done. When your child has a daily routine for doing homework, they will have fewer opportunities for procrastination. They will also be more motivated and less anxious with a consistent homework routine. They know that they need to do the “have-to” stuff before the “want-to” stuff. Good study habits go beyond just doing homework at a specific time. It’s about setting up meaningful incentives, removing distractions, and enabling focus to achieve the best results. Although you know your child best, it’s a collaborative approach that works best. So, together, talk about your level of involvement based on the reality of what’s really getting finished and turned in. Then brainstorm a collaborative plan. Then there will be more buy-in and a better shot at school success.

6 Tips for Creating Effective Study Habits

Kids’ homework is their own to manage. As the parent, you shouldn’t feel responsible for the homework itself. When you correct their homework, you deprive their teachers of seeing the true quality of their work and you make yourself the corrector rather than their ally. Instead, the parents’ responsibility is to promote good study habits and equip the child with the time and space in which they can practice these habits. Here are 6 valuable tips for creating effective homework habits.

1. Make a structured plan together

A structured homework plan includes start times, locations, and materials needed to complete work. Determine the ideal order of doing work and the length of time they can focus before needing a break. An ADHD homework plan should include timed, pre-planned breaks. This will ensure that your child won’t get bogged down or overwhelmed. A break should be short to avoid distraction and difficulty transitioning back into homework mode. Appropriate break activities include a snack, stretches, a walk around the block, or whatever works best for your child. Use cues to signal when the break is over, and it’s time to get back to their homework. Collaborate with your child on creating this plan. Homework is their responsibility, so they need to be invested in good outcomes. This applies to kids of all ages, from kindergarten through college. Ask for their input to understand your child’s individual preferences and study patterns. If your child prefers doing homework at 5 AM, has no difficulty getting up in the morning, and gets everything done before heading out the door, consider it a win and cheer them on. Remember, effective habits are about finding what works, no matter how unorthodox it may be.

2. Incorporate incentives that matter

Kids with ADHD need just the right motivators to get work done. Things have to be engaging in order for alternative learners to accomplish them. Use incentives that matter to them to improve motivation for unappealing tasks. You’ll need to chat with them about what these could be, brainstorm a list of do-able options and include time with you as a way to deepen connections. Incentives may be additional screen time or earning more time with friends on the weekends. They can also include time with you doing a shared activity such as baking cookies, shooting some hoops, going shopping, getting extra time out with friends on the weekend. Of course, time with you can also be an incentive, especially if it’s doing an activity they enjoy. This fosters family connections and closeness. Give them choices and change up the incentives so they don’t become bored. This will give your child a deeper sense of control.

3. Reduce being overwhelmed by breaking things down

Your child might be having a hard time starting on their homework because it all seems too big, too much, and too long. When your child is overwhelmed, they don’t know how and where to start. Teach your child to take something that feels big and unwieldy and break it down into smaller components. Writing things done, keeping to-do lists short and making sure they check things off as they complete the work reduces avoidance and develops a sense of competence. With smaller bits, your child starts to feel a greater sense of accomplishment as they complete one chunk at a time. See if you can share a relatable example of a big problem you tackled by breaking it down into smaller pieces from your schooling or work.

4. Adjust your expectations

Developing productive homework habits takes time. As with any process, there is no quick fix, so adjust your expectations accordingly. It may take some trial and error until you and your child identify a routine that works. Keep things simple, especially at the beginning. Instead of seeking out quick results, focus on promoting a growth mindset in your child. Apply realistic expectations based on your child’s actual capability. If your child can only do 20 minutes of independent reading before needing a break, make that your baseline and set a goal of 25 minutes for the following month. Slow and steady wins the race here. Asking too much, pressuring them to apply themselves more or punishing them for pushback or incompletions work harder will only lead to frustration for you both. Meet your child where they’re at, and build up from there at a manageable pace.

5. Stay consistent

Before a behavior can become a habit, it must be repeated over and over and over again until it becomes second nature. Routines require consistency, so stick to the plan as much as possible. If you and your child agreed to starting homework at 4PM, then follow through on that commitment. There will undoubtedly be exceptions that break the routine. Roll with it, and get back to the routine to which you and your child agreed. You’re not looking for perfection, but you do need to stay steady as much as possible in order for new habits to take hold.

6. Celebrate Successes

It’s important to remember that your child really does want to do well. They may just have a hard time getting there. That’s why it’s crucial to offer encouragement and celebrate successes–both big and small. By acknowledging your child’s effort, they will feel both validated and accomplished because their efforting is noticed. Then, they will be more likely to stick with the plan. Since things rarely will go smoothly initially, plan to rework your routines and discuss the tweaks in a short family meeting. Expect some frustration and impatience from your child as well as yourself. When this happens, reframe defeats as learning opportunities and keep moving forward. Remember creating effective homework habits is invaluable for children and teens with ADHD. Mastering these critical practices will make life easier for everyone in the family.

5 Strategies for creating new habits that last in kids with ADHD

The start of each school year involves a variety of changes and adjustments. New teachers, new activities, and a whole lot of new experiences. This means your child may need to develop new habits to set themselves up for success in and out of school. They may also need to unlearn old habit patterns no longer serve them well. Change is hard, especially for kids with ADHD, who typically find unfamiliar terrain unsettling. So how can you help create new habits that grow in kids with ADHD? Let’s take a closer look at how to help your ADHD child develop effective habits which will support and sustain them as they grow.

The importance of developing good habits

Habits usually help us lower stress or meet an emotional need. They may serve us when we start them and then cease to be helpful. Part of parenting is helping our children develop good habits and breaking bad ones (or those which have stopped being helpful). Old habits are tough to break because they are familiar, are easy to do, feel safe, and are connected to beliefs about ourselves. Replacing old habits with newer, more useful ones will take patience and time, but it is well worth the effort. It involves setting a goal, doing it daily (no matter how small), and setting up effective incentives to encourage your child to keep it. Shifting to and maintaining, heathy habits will help your child keep up with schoolwork, fulfill family responsibilities, and manage their overall health. For example, if your ADHD child fell into a summer pattern of late-night gaming, it’s time to switch to a more constructive routine. Replace the old gaming habit with a new one that involves earlier bedtime and less screen time to ensure your child gets plenty of rest and can better focus on schoolwork.

Change and a growth mindset

The change process relies on both you and your child having a growth mindset. A growth mindset establishes that being human means living and learning: you will make mistakes, and instead of criticizing yourself or your kids for their fumbles, you pause, regroup and tweak what you are doing. It’s this capacity to pivot that encourages us to keep going and keep growing. Use strength-based thinking, incentives, and routines instead of punishment and ‘because I said so reasoning. Habits take time and practice, especially if we try to undo something familiar–even if it’s not working. And forming new habits is a team effort – you and your child need to do the work.

5 strategies for creating new habits

The goal of forming a new habit is to teach your child lifelong skills while being more efficient and effective in the tasks of daily living. Most people can only change one thing at a time. If you could brainstorm two habits your child wants to change, what would they be? Sit and brainstorm two habits that your child wants to change and two that you want. Then pick the overlapping one to work on first.

1. Manage Yourself First

Before you can help your child, you need to set yourself up for success. That means finding ways to manage your stress, staying focused, and, most importantly, treating yourself with compassion. Use the 5 C’s of ADHD parenting to keep yourself grounded throughout the process.

2. Set Goals with Your Child

When you take a collaborative approach to problem-solving, you increase your child’s cooperation. Explain to your child why building healthy habits and routines is important to THEM, and ask them for their thoughts and suggestions. Use “We” instead of “You” when discussing habits to emphasize that you and your child are on the same team and working toward the same goal. Find a way to frame the need for habit-building to benefit your child. “Preparing your backpack and clothes the night before means you are less likely to forget something or waste time looking for it when it’s time to leave the house.

3. Create Simple, Specific Routines

To create new habits, you’ll need to set up specific, age-appropriate routines that your child is capable of managing. Habits are built from cues, behaviors, and the repetition of these behaviors until the routine becomes second nature. For example, you can use a specific song as a cue for a young child who needs to get in the habit of brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, and tidying up before bed. Older kids could use reminders, lists, or alarms to signal the start of homework time. Make things as specific as possible, so there are no assumptions or surprises. And don’t overcomplicate things. Start small and simple, and build on it.

4. Use Incentives Instead of Punishments

The carrot is more effective than the stick, especially for ADHD kids and teens. Punishments will only create bad feelings and drive a wedge between you and your child. Effective and meaningful incentives offer motivation and encouragement for your child to make good choices. They can earn extra screen time by completing homework first. Or they can hang out with their friends during the weekend once chores have been completed. Avoid lecturing your child – kids have a talent for tuning out their parents. Have frank conversations and ask your kids to problem-solve. Give them a chance to take responsibility, and support them as they learn.

5. Plan for Pushback and Adjustments

Your child may be willing to take on a new routine at first but may not stick with it. Or, it may just not work in practice. Plan for habit-building success by anticipating some amount of pushback and having alternative options at the ready. Chances are it’ll take some trial and error before you and your child find a routine that works. But even incremental successes are worth celebrating. Be generous with your praise and celebrate what’s working. Remember, helping your ADHD child create new habits will take time. There will be pushback. It will try your patience. Even when frustration mounts, remind yourself that instilling good habits in your child will help them grow and guide them for many years.

5 Stress-Reducing Routines for Adults with ADHD-That You Can Actually Stick To

Neurodivergent people can be overly fixated on maintaining a routine at the expense of other things, which can turn into a vicious cycle of frustration and self-defeat. That said, for adults who struggle with ADHD, maintaining routines is essential. They reduce stress and anxiety and improve mental health. Dr. Sharon Saline offers advice with YourTango on “5 Stress-Reducing Routines for Adults with ADHD That You Can Actually Stick To.” Learn more tips in her featured article.

Read Dr. Saline’s latest blog post:

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Mental Health: The Top 4 Issues Teens Face in 2022

New data from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shows that “about 1 in 4 young adults are seeking mental health care.” We have to remember that teens with ADHD are trying their best. But, despite their best efforts to manage their own lives and exercise the independence they so desperately crave, I notice that they seem to repeat several habits that interfere with these desires. Whether it’s spending too much time on social media, practicing unhealthy eating habits, arguing via text, or expecting failure and not trying, they need guidance to help them navigate peer relationships, make thoughtful decisions, and practice self-care. Here are four issues that seem to keep popping up for teens in 2022 and how you can help them have a positive outcome.

4 Ways Teens Hurt Their Mental Health

1. Spending too much time on social media

Social media is one of the top issues for teens in 2022. It not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice, but it also is built so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable, and people walk away not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or their bombed test grade.” Teens especially feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives, interrupting their ability to reflect on themselves and what they think and make a sturdy sense of self. Tip: Schedule screen-free time each day. Whether it’s during a meal or after-school to take a break, help teens create screen-free time to give their eyes and brains some much-needed time away from technology to recover.

2. Eating fast food on the run instead of preparing healthy meals and sitting down to eat them together

You’ve heard the saying, “you are what you eat.” It’s so true, not only what we eat but also how we eat. When we eat non-nutritious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel to think and function well. Sharing a meal is good for adolescent physiology and allows them to connect with people face-to-face and talk about their lives. When we sit down to eat a meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorb the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives. Tip: Create regular family meals in your routine. Set aside particular days and times when the family gathers together to share some nourishment. Engage your teen in cooking as well. This is an excellent opportunity for them to learn valuable and rewarding life skills.

3. Having arguments via texting or emailing

Nobody can take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive, there’s no way to perceive how your words affect the other person. You also may not perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. Teens need to learn and practice interactional skills for healthy personal relationships and school, work, and life situations where they must deal with others. Tip: Assist your teen in dealing with issues more directly, by phone call, Zoom, or safely in person. Help them develop some phrases they can say and role play these conversations, so they feel more comfortable and confident.

4. Giving up before they even start

Many teens with ADHD struggle with low motivation, negative outlooks, and procrastination avoidance. They put off activities like homework, chores, or hygiene because they don’t enjoy them and may not see their value. Many kids have a history of not succeeding despite exerting themselves and don’t believe they can do anything differently now. An adolescent boy told me, “I’ve tried before and failed, so why would it be any different now?” Tip: Break tasks down into smaller chunks to make them more manageable for kids to attempt. Help kids recall times when they made efforts and succeeded, clarifying what tools and actions helped them accomplish what needed to get done. Notice their effort and progress towards a goal and encourage them along the way. It’s time for young people to start living a full and healthy life. Building a strong connection with your teens will protect their mental health and build long-lasting relationships that will help them grow into healthy adulthood.

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