Surviving the Holiday Chaos with Your Neurodiverse Child: Practical Tips and Tricks

Dear Dr. Sharon:

My daughter has ADHD and I suspect she might be on the Autism spectrum, though she hasn’t been formally evaluated. She is eight years old and struggles with understanding social cues, navigating groups and keeping friends in addition to inattention and distractibility. After a lot of hard work, this is the first year that we finally have solid systems in place to support her at home and at school with consistent routines, clear expectations, a social skills group  and behavior therapy. But. with the holidays coming, I am worried that all of the activities and events will undo our hard work! It’s just so much – for her, our younger son and for us, as parents, too. We want our children to experience the joy that comes with this time of year, but not at the cost of her intense meltdowns and disruptions. How do I reduce holiday stress and overwhelm for my neurodivergent child, yet still make this time of year meaningful?   – Wendy

 

Dear Wendy,

The holiday season runs on overstimulation – all the food, all the lights, all the sounds, all the expectations…all the things, all month long. As the parent of a neurodivergent child, it can be tricky to strike a balance between fostering seasonal joy and setting boundaries during the holidays.  How can you create experiences that are fun, rewarding and calmer for you AND your neurodiverse family?

 

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our children and teens with ADHD can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Part of the holiday stress for neurodiverse kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac-and- cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. So, here’s the tip: be realistic about how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a joyful holiday. Less is often more!

 

 

TIS’ THE SEASON TO SCHEDULE 

We know that children who are neurodivergent thrive with consistent expectations and a sense of control of some aspects of their day. But, these things aren’t that common in the chaos of the holiday season. Since schedules can change frequently during the holiday season, start by establishing basic routines to your day. Create blocks of times between breakfast, lunch and dinner that include high and low energy activities as well as a quiet period. Set up regular check-in times in the mornings and afternoons to monitor how she is doing. Collaborate on up to three choices for these time blocks if appropriate. 

You might also try saying “What’s different today?” on the refrigerator or a dry erase board – this is for the holiday party, or dinner at Grandma’s, or a parade after school. Remind her that the plan for the day is posted there and she can check it for herself. Verbal AND visual cues are key for kids with ADHD to help reduce the chaos of this season. 

Remember to have the “holiday house rules” conversation with both of your children. Different households often have different rules (no surprise). Be hyper-specific with your explanations about what’s okay and what’s to be avoided at the homes you are visiting. For example, “At Grandma’s house, we don’t jump on the couch,” or, “Uncle Bill doesn’t hear very well so it’s okay to talk loudly with him.” A little clarity goes a long way, and the more you can help your child visualize these transitions, the smoother they’ll go.

 

CREATE A CODE WORD

For a neurodivergent child, it can be difficult under normal circumstances to control their impulses and regulate emotions. This is doubly difficult during the holidays when everything is at full tilt.  Talk with your child about how she will know it’s time for a quiet break. What are the physical cues in her body like balled fists, clenched teeth, sweaty palms, etc. that signal its time for a breather. 

Together, come up with a code word that she can use to let you or other adults know that she needs a break. Pick a predetermined place that she can access easily to slow down and expect to go with her. This might be the bathroom or even your car, if quiet areas are in short supply at a party.  Keeping a few of her favorite activities or items in a tote bag such as fidget toys, a book or a small game can help her settle and bring comfort simultaneously.  

 

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE

Let’s be real: The holidays, even with all of the good stuff, can be stressful —for everyone. So, as much as you’re preparing to make things easier for your neurodivergent child, don’t forget to cut yourself some slack. Things won’t always go according to plan, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the most important things you can do are stay flexible, keep a sense of humor and ignite your playfulness. If you have to ditch caroling with the neighbors or throw unwrapped presents in colorful bags, that is just FINE.. After all, the holidays are about creating memories, not stressing over perfection.

 

 

 

The holiday season doesn’t have to be a minefield of overstimulation, confusion, and meltdowns. By setting realistic expectations, maintaining a flexible yet predictable routine, and keeping communication clear, you can ensure that your neurodivergent child has a holiday season that’s both joyful and manageable. And hey, with the right tools and a little humor, you might even survive it without needing to resort to a full-on holiday “time apart” yourself!