Despite our best intentions, it seems like most families are frequently more stressed by the holiday season that they would like. Between our regular responsibilities of work, parenting and other life tasks, we now add shopping for gifts, planning family celebrations, attending holiday parties and cooking special foods. Perhaps you work all day, make dinner, put the kids to bed and then shop online or cook until midnight. Or maybe you rush out to shop during lunch, hurriedly eat a sandwich at your desk and then wrap gifts in the bathroom after the kids are asleep. Sound familiar? Everyone is excited about the holidays and there is much to enjoy. Yet, sometimes you may feel like things are rushed and out of control. Parents often feel so pressured during this season. ADHD kids, with their knack for picking up when things are frantic and responding to that energy, really benefit from slowing things down. When too much stimulation comes at them, they just don’t have the ability to process what’s happening effectively. They become easily overwhelmed and, depending on their personalities, act out their feelings in ways that, unfortunately, can be inappropriate. You, too, may be reacting to all of the things you have to do in ways that aren’t your best self. How can you approach this holiday season so that everyone is calmer? Slowing down is the first, most important step. Many families just take on too much during this time of year. Perhaps you have some organizational or planning challenges yourself that add to feeling overwhelmed. Of course, exercise, yoga or meditation are generally helpful but you probably need more than that right now. Here are specific ways that you and your ADHD sons and daughters can manage the holidays with less stress and more calm:

1. Take a minute to think about your to-do list. It may very well seem too long and impossible to accomplish in the time you have. Go through the list and mark the things that are most important to you. Since this can be hard to do, talk with your partner or a friend to assist you in prioritizing and eliminating. Removing, consolidating or getting help is the first step in creating balance.
2. Ask your kids to reflect on their gift list. Maybe they can pick a few bigger gifts or activities instead of several smaller ones. This would make things a lot easier for you and possibly better for them. You can help your ADHD child or teen with this and model how to simplify.
3. Ask your children to assist you in activities they like–cooking, shopping and wrapping. This will also reduce your burden and encourage their participation. Most ADHD kids like to do things. Why not have them work with you on holiday projects? Even if it takes management, you are connecting with them, teaching all kinds of skills and involving them in the process. It’s a win-win.
4. Talk with your family about the holiday plans. While it may be challenging for ADHD kids to plan ahead, they certainly have opinions about what they like to do. When some of their preferences are part of the picture, you increase the likelihood for their cooperative participation.
5. Set reasonable expectations for togetherness. Remember that ADHD kids especially need down time to regroup mentally and emotionally. Make sure there is time each day for this. It doesn’t matter if they are reading, watching tv, playing a computer game, drawing, playing with Lego or listening to music–they need time with reduced input that they choose. This time helps their system de-activate. You, too, would probably benefit from some time like this.

It sounds corny but less is actually more in these weeks. Take some time to do less and you and ADHD kids will reap the benefits! Happy holidays to you and your family! 

Creating Incentives that Work: How to do you get your child or teen to do things around the house? Do you ask your daughter nicely to set the table at first but then resort to yelling when she won’t get off her phone? Do you calmly warn your son that it is time to turn off the television but then shut it off angrily when he ignores you? Is there more stress than cooperation in your family than your would ideally like? Many parents struggle with the challenge of motivating their children and teens to do what they are supposed to do when they need to it—whether or not the kids have ADHD. In our world today, the technological gadgets and social media networking sites are far more seductive and rewarding than ever before. For kids with ADHD, such activities are more than distractions: they are completely absorbing. To set successful limits on these activities and help your son or daughter focus on what needs to be done now (like chores, homework, job, etc), you have to use an effective incentive program to reward desired behaviors. Now, you may ask: “What is the difference between a rewards and a bribe?” Good question!! A bribe is something appealing that you give to someone before she performs the desired task. For instance, we see bribes in crime shows on television all of the time: “Hey, here’s a hundred bucks if you take this package across the street.” Frequently, the package doesn’t arrive and the runner takes off with the cash. An incentive is something appealing that you give to someone after they have completed the desired action. On a crime show, this would look like: “Here’s a package that goes across the street. When you have delivered it successfully, come back and I’ll give you a hundred bucks.” The runner delivers the package, returns and gets paid his wage. Now obviously, I am not suggesting that we should make our families into crime shows. These are just examples to clarify that incentives reward desired behaviors. Research on children and teens with ADHD has shown that reward incentives that are desirable for the kids and immediately given out support improved behavior on a number of executive functioning tasks. This means that when the incentives are attractive, they can help improve skills such as planning, organizing, persistence and self-control. Here are some guidelines for setting up incentives that work for your ADHD kids and will work for you too!

1. Take a few moments and think about what your child LOVES to do: the options can range from go out for ice cream, to playing Minecraft, to using Facebook or Instagram, to watching television, to sleepovers, to using your car. Make a list of all of these things BEFORE your start a conversation with him. Remember that these are privileges, not entitlements.
2. In a calm moment, ask your daughter what are her favorite ways of spending time. Write these down and then go over your ideas with her.
3. Together, pick one area of his life that could use improvement: getting started with homework, cleaning up after dinner, hanging up the wet towel from his shower instead of leaving it on his bedroom floor, getting to school on time, etc.
4. Now, pick one item from the favorite activities list and link it directly to the activity you have chosen. For example, if the desired goal is getting ready for school on time and the favorite activity
5. This is a process of negotiation but you must hold firm about the goal and figure out collaboratively what the appropriate incentive is to obtain it. If things get tense, take a mutual break but come back to it before the day is over.

You CAN create a win-win situation with this process. You obtain the behavior that you want without losing your cool and your child or teen gets something s/he wants too.

Over the years, I have noticed that many, many ADHD kids seem to have trouble with writing. While some kids like it because it is a venue for expressing their many ideas quickly and creatively, others despise it because getting even a few words on the page is torturous. Sometimes the physical act of writing is hard and penmanship can be tough to decipher. Organizing thoughts in their heads and translating them into coherent essays requires that several key Executive Functioning skills run simultaneously like clockwork. These skills, naturally weaker in people with ADHD, synthesize writing into a linear, well-formed essay. Writing can often be a source of tension in ADHD families for children who struggle with it. Just as asking neutral, probing questions about learning styles related to reading and math skills leads you to helping your child improve in those areas, discussing your child’s individual and idiosyncratic process of writing with them can reduce the mystery and frustration about it. In a calm moment, grab a pen and paper and try a conversation like this:

1. Together, identify something that is easy or not that bad  about writing. Maybe it’s getting an idea, maybe it’s researching a topic, maybe it’s the typing. Find something and jot it down. Emphasize aloud that this is something your child or teen does well.
2. Next, help your son or daughter make a list. This list will use a rating scale from 1 to 10: 10=THE VERY HARDEST PARTS of writing; 1=THE LEAST HARDEST PARTS of writing. Using this language is important. You have already found something (maybe a few things) that your daughter says is easy. Now you are trying to get a specific sense of what the most difficult aspects of writing are and how she thinks about them. Use the list of basic skills needed for writing (shown below) to help you. Add any of your own that you think would be important. Some ADHD kids prefer to talk out their ideas instead of writing them down; include this on your list too if it is true for your child.
3. Brainstorm alternatives to areas that your child identifies as THE VERY HARDEST PARTS. These ideas can include getting writing support at school from teachers, going to a writing center at school, working with a friend or finding a writing tutor. They can also involve breaking writing assignments into smaller, achievable parts and making sure their teachers give them clear guidelines for writing that take into account where they need the most help.

List of basic Executive Functioning skills needed for writing: Coming up with basic ideas (initiation) Selecting ideas that are relevant and do-able (prioritizing) Remembering information about the topic to focus ideas (working memory) Making an outline or plan of your project (planning, prioritizing, organizing) Putting together research with your own thoughts (organizing, sequencing) Amount of time it takes to do writing (time management) Being able to continue on the project until it is finished (goal persistence) In general,  I don’t advise having you proofread or teach writing to your ADHD child or teen if there is already conflict about written work in your home. If your child is open to your assistance, then of course give it. Otherwise, let the teachers or tutors do this so you can stay with your role as supportive parent. That’s what your son or daughter really needs most to help them manage their writing frustration and build confidence.  Good luck!