Do you dismiss a compliment or attribute success at your work to luck instead of your intelligence, creativity, or effort? Unfortunately, many adults (and kids) with ADHD have trouble accepting positive feedback about themselves. Read More>>
Many adults with ADHD feel this way, and you’re not alone. You may think there’s shame in getting help because you’re worried about disappointing others or possibly failing. Read More>>
Many adults (and kids) with ADHD have trouble accepting positive feedback about themselves. Years of hearing about their deficiencies or experiencing challenges related to having a neurodivergent brain lead many folks with ADHD to walk around with a persistent feeling that they are just not good enough. Read More>>
Often parents receive contradictory or inadequate information about the process, and navigating the maze toward diagnosis and treatment can be perplexing. In particular, the tween and teen years are development stages when trouble with attention, organization, and distractibility come to the forefront. Read three ways you can receive an accurate diagnosis. Read More>>
Do you ever wish that you could pause time, take back something you said, and start over? Would you like to be someone who has quick comebacks in conversations instead of thinking of something good to say 10 minutes later? Read More>>
Students with ADHD want to do well in school, and most of them put a lot of effort into their work. But at the same time, they must contend with issues around focus, organization, distractibility, impulse control and time management, and their academic workload. So let’s take a step back and see how you can prepare your response to a disappointing report card and a disappointed child. Read More>> 
Do you hate asking for help because it makes you look weak, helpless, or incompetent? Many adults with ADHD feel this way, and you’re not alone. You may think there’s shame in getting help because you’re worried about disappointing others or possibly failing. But when you refuse to ask for help, reject it when offered, or pretend you’ve got things covered when you don’t, you make life much harder for yourself. When adults with ADHD are overwhelmed by a task, asking for assistance is often tougher because you are unsure where to focus or how to start. It can seem like you’re climbing up Mt. Everest with no trail map or markers along the path. You’re stuck but don’t want anybody to know or see your struggle. Shame rears its ugly head and shuts you down. Learning when, how, and where to delegate can change this pattern and offer personal and professional growth opportunities. But asking for assistance can make a world of difference.
Asking for assistance or delegating tasks doesn’t come easy for many of us, especially perfectionists. But living means leaning on others for support sometimes. There are times when you can’t do it alone. Becoming comfortable asking for help or offloading things to others relies on several things:
Progress counts more than perfection every time. Perfection is impossible to achieve; if that’s your goal, it’s easy to freeze out of fear of not achieving it. Instead, focus on shorter, reasonable goals that you can meet. Making progress on a task is always better than striving for perfection and getting nothing done.
Sometimes neurodivergent adults need clarification about what would be helpful. When you’re overwhelmed by big feelings, disorganization, and incomplete tasks, it’s tough to prioritize. Prioritizing relies on determining what is urgent (time-driven) and what is important (value-driven). When you are flooded emotionally or genuinely uncertain about what to do, you may reject any offers for assistance because you can’t process anything else at that moment. TOOL: Break things down. Take a large piece of work and break it up into a few smaller tasks. Name each task, determine how to complete it, and identify when things are due. Ask for assistance from an ally like a friend, relative, or coworker. Brainstorm and separate identified items into categories by subject, deadline, or complexity. Break these items into smaller steps and mark who is responsible for completing each step.
Although most adults dislike being vulnerable, it’s especially tough for those with ADHD. You’ve already spent years hearing about how you’ve missed the mark–at school, extracurriculars, work, and home. You probably believe you will mess up again. You may not trust your abilities to respond appropriately, and consider asking for help further demonstrates weakness. By refusing any support, adults with complex ADHD falsely think that they can protect themselves from feeling exposed. TOOL: Reframe vulnerability as strength. It takes courage to be accountable for your limitations and stay open to assistance. Instead of seeing help as a manifestation of weakness, focus on the strength in authenticity and knowing when you can’t do it alone. Remember that most people are kind and will be happy to aid you. They may even feel flattered that you sought them out for guidance!
Waiting for the next time they inadvertently do something ‘wrong’ and the criticism that will surely follow, many neurodiverse adults live with deep-seated and internalized shame about being ‘different’ from their peers. Whether this shame is visible or hidden, you may see any successes as short-lived and not believe that anything will make any difference. Moreover, shame prevents people from asking for support. For example, Ellie, age 27, tells me: “I’m embarrassed that I can’t do it alone, that I have a disability.” TOOL: Asking for help is not a reflection of failure but rather an act of resilience. Recall a time in the past when you struggled, asked for assistance, and pulled through. How can you link the lessons from that experience to a current situation?
Nobody wants to let people down. The pressure to measure up can be intense, especially with social media driving the endless cycle of ‘compare and despair’ dynamics. Asking for help seems like opening the door to an avalanche of disappointment you would rather avoid. So, instead, you wrestle with doing things on your own, trying to get things ‘just right,’ giving up so you can’t fail, or praying for a miracle. Let’s face it; there is no perfect: everybody stumbles. The most important thing is to pick yourself back up, understand what happened, and make different choices as you learn from your experience. 
TOOL: Stop worrying about disappointment and pivot to what’s needed for optimum productivity and best performance. Are your expectations for yourself realistic? If not, what needs to change? Create goals that are within reach. Reduce your focus on the outcome and shift to emphasizing the process of doing something–efforting. You may not be able to do it alone. That’s okay. Who can help you, and what can they do?
Motivate yourself to try delegation by starting small. Sometimes it’s hard to trust that other people will follow through, and you may feel insecure. Build your confidence in others slowly by first establishing low-risk experiments on simple tasks. For example, if you’re stuck on a spreadsheet task, seek out a friend or coworker who is a spreadsheet rock star. Tell them how much you’d appreciate their expertise, and ask them to walk you through a couple of examples until you get the hang of it. Your primary goals are to relieve stress, increase productivity, and get things done simultaneously. So please be sure to recognize when you need extra help, empower yourself to ask for it, and accept it.
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Do you dismiss a compliment or attribute success at your work to luck instead of your intelligence, creativity, or effort? Unfortunately, many adults (and kids) with ADHD have trouble accepting positive feedback about themselves. Years of hearing about their deficiencies or experiencing challenges related to having a neurodivergent brain lead many folks with ADHD to walk around with a persistent feeling that they are just not good enough. Perhaps you feel like an imposter. You wonder if you genuinely deserve validation or acknowledgment when good things happen. If these statements are factual, you probably struggle with imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome reflects feeling like a fraud or a phony. It comes from a sense of insecurity in your awareness or hovering just below the surface. Imposter syndrome doesn’t occur overnight. Instead, it takes years of receiving criticism and experiencing judgments for somebody to develop a core sense of deficiency. Based on evaluations, exclusion, or hostility from others as you mature, this deficiency lies at the heart of imposter syndrome. People with ADHD and without can suffer from it. This insecurity fosters pervasive self-doubt that you don’t deserve any accolades that you receive. Instead, you deem other people more worthy because of their accomplishments, confidence, or appearance. Imposter 
syndrome is directly related to perfectionism. Since you are not perfect and can never achieve perfection, then you are fundamentally flawed. Sadly, no success seems to lessen this wound for so many folks. Many neurodivergent teens and adults who have frequently been judged unfavorably against neurotypical standards have internalized these opinions. Despite all efforts to the contrary and any admirable achievements, you may still believe they are true. Imposter syndrome is the domain of your inner critic. It’s the voice spews negativity about simply being an outside-the-box thinker, an imperfectly perfect human like the rest of us. But this voice adds a toxic layer of insecurity: you walk around anxious that someone will discover the incompetent, foolish person you think you 
indeed are. You can’t assimilate the accolades your receive, no matter how much you deserve them. In addition, many people with imposter syndrome also live with a low (or overt) level of depression. There’s a mix of persistent anxiety about discovering your dark secret and hopelessness that you can never entirely change for the better. Even though its origins can make sense, given your personal history, it’s still a brutal way to treat yourself.
I want to offer you a different approach that allows you to value and absorb affirming things about yourself. You do not have to live with imposter syndrome. Yes, lowering the volume of these harsh thoughts and deeply ingrained false beliefs can be very challenging. You may be so accustomed to second-guessing yourself that it seems counterintuitive to act differently. But what if you allowed yourself to make mistakes and be successful simultaneously? Sometimes you hit a home run, and sometimes, you swing and miss. The average baseball player strikes out at the plate two out of three times. Trying, struggling, regrouping, and trying again doesn’t mean that you’ve failed or other people are better than you are. It’s what living is all about: manifesting a growth mindset. Imposter syndrome intensifies your vulnerabilities while denying you the satisfaction derived from effort and engagement. You have strengths and challenges like everybody else. The problem is the struggle to hold onto your successes long enough to believe in your abilities and nurture a sense of inner pride. Instead, the imposter monster quickly grabs them and tosses them away.
When you acknowledge your wins, regardless of size or importance, you are laying Kryptonite at the feet of the imposter beast. When you pay equal if not more attention to things that go well, something that you enjoy, and things that you are good at, you weaken this pattern even more. It’s about shifting your perspective from what’s wrong and not enough about you to celebrate what is positive and good enough. Accept it if someone pays you a compliment–don’t deflect it. Say “thank you.” Please take it in and hold it like the precious gift that it is. If you tell a colleague that you want to improve your timeliness and you show up to a meeting on time, receive their high-five of support with a grin. When your partner appreciates that you went grocery shopping and put away all the food, refrain from minimizing and accepting their acknowledgment.
Start to counter the inner critic’s voice by strengthening your inner ally. This coach is the one who encourages you, who reminds you of your value as a person, and who sees the good in things you do. Strengthen this ally by paying attention to what is working. At the end of each day, with your partner at dinner, via text with a friend, or in your journal, acknowledge three things that went well. These can be as simple as “I made a great cup of coffee this morning” to “My boss told me that she loved my presentation.” Fill up the well inside of you with these statements instead of the self-critical, judgmental ones. You’ll be building self-confidence and self-worth instead of fueling anxiety.
Lastly, I cannot emphasize the importance of validating traits about yourself that are separate from what you do–traits about who you are: warm, funny, intelligent, spontaneous, generous, and kind. People with ADHD struggle to perform effectively in areas related to executive functioning deficits like emotional regulation, organization, time management, and focus. But you also excel at activities and interests you love. Both are true simultaneously. There’s a lot right with you so take the time to notice, honor and hold onto those things today. This is how you will reduce imposter syndrome.
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Dr. Sharon Saline, Psy. D.
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