Category: Neurodiversity

Simplifying the Holiday Season with Your Neurodiverse Family: How to prevent stress and foster joy

Family of four warming up by the outside fireAs the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it’s also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your neurodiverse family? Get ready for simplifying this holiday season.

1. Simplifying the holiday lists, errands and tasks

Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY.” Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from one or both of two main sources: (1) leaving things until the last minute and (2) trying to do too much. Let’s face it—EVERYTHING takes longer than we think it will. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality, and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go much more smoothly.

Strategies for simplifying holiday tasks:

1. Shorten lists and outings

Neurodiverse family shopping at the mallMake a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.

2. Teach while you lead

Teach your kids with ADHD to practice simplifying, too. Help your kids learn shopping strategies by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands.

3. Take breaks to rest and re-connect

Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. It will encourage you and your family to reset between one stimulating environment and the next. Check-in with yourself and each other to see how you’re feeling and if you’re ready for the next stop.

4. Acknowledge your accomplishments

Sometimes we’re so overwhelmed with what we know we still have to do, we forget about how much we’ve already accomplished. Be sure to cross things off your (shortened) lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself, or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see and remember your accomplishments this way.

2. Reducing the number of social engagements

Teen at a holiday party closing her eyes and holding her hands up to her face like she's stressed out The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see, and places to go. As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage. Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. Simplifying the holiday tasks will help, but you also have to consider how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a happy holiday season.

How to cut down on the ‘squeeze it all in’ mentality–together:

1. Sit down with your family, and decide how many activities in a day you each can really handle this holiday season.

2. Talk about what constitutes ”down time’ for each person, and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use, and encourage quiet activities, such as playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe watch your favorite family holiday movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed.

Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Family laughing and playing dominos at the coffee table

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YourTango – Social Anxiety & ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation

“Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests, and relationships.”

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YourTango: 4 Common Misconceptions About ADHD That Everyone Needs To Forget (Weekly Best!)

“Do you find yourself often dealing with people who don’t understand what it’s like to live with ADHD or even believe that it truly exists? Maybe it’s your friend, boss, teacher, coach, or family member. ADHD misconceptions and myths negatively impact people with ADHD and those who support them, every day. When it comes to biases, judgments, and frustrations, how do you deal with them with calm and confidence?”

*Now a YourTango Experts Weekly Best: Editor’s Pick!*

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PsychCentral: The 10 Best Books for ADHD in 2021

“You want to learn more about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). You’re looking for tips on how to improve your focus. You’re interested in supporting a loved one who lives with this mental health condition. Whether you have a diagnosis or know someone who does, ADHD books can help you accomplish all of these goals and more.” A graphic with a picture of Dr. Sharon Saline's book cover "What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew" in front of a teal background.Dr. Sharon Saline’s book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew, was chosen “Best for parents of kids with ADHD!”

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Tone of Voice Awareness in Neurodiverse Families: How to practice self-regulation in family conflicts

teen getting angry at mom as mom takes away computer from herNeurodiverse families often struggle with emotional reactivity and verbal impulse control. Negative feelings and unpleasant words can intensify in the blink of an eye. Still, when the moments arise, it’s hard enough to calm down your own emotions — let alone the emotions of your child, teen or partner. Where do you even start? When that tone of voice (the one you’re all too familiar with) enters the picture, you can use the quick and direct steps of “T.O.V.” to help initiate a process of self-reflection and self-regulation for your family and yourself. Tone of voice awareness takes practice, but it’s a skill that will improve family communication and connections for years to come.

Family conflict: A familiar story

You are almost finished cooking dinner, a meal you’ve been planning since your last shopping trip a few days ago. You made sure to plan a meal that the whole family can enjoy, taking into account your son’s eating specifications. Everyone has had a rough week transitioning back into school mode. On top of that, work has been a bit overwhelming. You’ve been dealing with headaches on and off, and are ready for some quiet time. You have been looking forward to this meal all week, if not only to have some quality time with your family. You go to pull the roast out of the oven and call the kids in to help prepare the table. Your daughter comes in and begins to work with place settings. You call your son in – for the third time – and he stomps in, muttering about how he wasn’t able to finish the level in his video game. Mother sitting on the couch with her head on her hands while her kids run past out of focus.

You remind him he has plenty of time after dinner to wrap up his game and save it. In the middle of your sentence, you hear a commotion, high-pitched screech. You turn, and the kids are going at it. “She took my favorite cup!” he yells. They begin to chase each other around the kitchen.

You huff as you try to get the food from your prep station to the table without tripping over them. “If you had come in to help when I first called, you could have chosen your favorite cup.” “It’s not fair!” he screams, and hits his fist on the table, scattering silverware and causing a side dish to fall. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes. You want to scream, but you know you have to set a good example. Your headache increases in intensity.

How did your easygoing family evening escalate into this?

Why can’t your son use another of your many drinking glasses? When will he learn to modulate how he expresses himself and be more cooperative? Why did you allow yourself to be upset by him in the first place? You’re aware that impulsivity and emotional dysregulation are challenges for your neurodiverse family. And yet, here you are again, ready to pull your hair out.

Enter: Tone Of Voice Awareness

Neurodiverse family conflict outside by a pond, a teen yelling angrily at parent in wheelchair while the other parent looks away upset So often, neurodivergent kids aren’t really aware of how they say things. They might have difficult understanding how what they say (and how they say it) can affect others. They might need guidance learning how to slow down and reflect on what they just expressed. But, since they are often sensitive to criticism, direct feedback can frequently backfire. Discussing the impact of their tone of voice allows your child – and your entire family – to reflect for themselves on how they can say something in a more impactful way. It also allows them to have more tone of voice awareness around their thoughts before they communicate them. Incorporating T.O.V. allows kids to practice several skills simultaneously: emotional regulation, verbal and behavioral impulse control, planning, shifting and personal insight (metacognition). So, where does this lesson start?

How to improve tone of voice (T.O.V.) awareness for more effective family communication

Step 1: Introduce the concept naturally.

Mother on the couch sitting with their teen who is talking in a calm tone of voice

Introducing T.O.V. won’t be very helpful unless it is introduced at a time when everyone is willing to listen and learn. In a calm moment, you explain to your neurodivergent child or teen that sometimes everyone needs help with improving tone of voice awareness and learning how their words and their tone of voice affect others.

If you have multiple children, it is important to include everyone in the conversation. This will make everyone feel like they are an equal part of the conversation, and will keep you from singling anyone out. Let them know that you will be saying “T.O.V.” out loud when you think they should reflect on how they are speaking to someone. Allow them a minute or two to practice their tone of voice awareness and pivot how they are speaking. Encourage them to try again.

Step 2: Be prepared that it might not always work immediately.

If your child or teen can’t manage their emotions enough to change their communication style, then encourage a timed break. Allow them – and yourself – personal space to breathe and regroup. Many times, a 10-15 minute break is all it takes. But be prepared for it to take a little longer, depending on everyone’s headspace.

Step 3: Be willing to forgive and move on.

When your child or teen is successful in practicing tone of voice awareness and adjusts how they are speaking to you, your job is to appreciate their efforts, accept their attitude adjustment, and move forward. Positive steps in the right direction include speaking slower or quieter and using more polite, less aggressive, language. Let them know how much their attitude adjustment means to you. Positive reinforcement is very important, especially in any child/adult relationship.

Remember, T.O.V. is a tool for everyone.

Neurodiverse teen boy and father making eye contact and having a conversation in the living room, view point from behind father. As much as you may be using “T.O.V.” to help improve your child’s communication efforts, you need to know your kids could call you out, too! How you respond to this is incredibly important. A good approach is to acknowledge your feelings, or laugh and admit that you are also capable of messing up. While you don’t want to create an environment where everyone is calling out “T.O.V.” constantly, you do want to lead by example in combative situations, and take the opportunity to practice tone of voice awareness for yourself! Be selective when you use it, and they will be encouraged to do so as well. More than anything, it’s important to realize that everyone is human. You can only react to things as your mood allows, and making sure you set everyone up with the proper tools to learn and grow through the aggressive moments can be very impactful.

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Create Successful Neurodiverse Family Outings Today: Time to connect with the great outdoors!

Neurodiverse family of 4 smiling and taking a selfie on the hood of a car on a sunny day in front of mountains on a family outing.After 18 months of dealing with the stress of indoor COVID living, using screens for social connections, and managing the stress of hybrid education, most of us have been hankering for some much needed rest and relaxation this summer. As we head into the last weeks of summer and for some, the early return to school, it’s worth taking some time to savor time outside as part of this reset. Connecting families with the great outdoors benefits individual family members and improves family bonds as a whole. Creating neurodiverse family outings that go smoothly and have everyone feeling like a happy camper, however, can be challenging. It’s important to find ways to improve family outings so they work for everyone in your family. Even small adventures can make a big difference. Let’s finish off the summer by making memories that are as positive as possible for everyone.

Why getting outdoors for neurodiverse family outings is worth it:

Spending time in nature is beneficial and fun for all of us: we can kick off our shoes and wade into the ocean, hike to a beautiful vista or just have a picnic in our own backyards. It’s especially great for neurodivergent kids–those youngsters with ADHD, LD, ASD, 2e and/or mental health issues. When any of us venture outside to a beach, park or any green spot, our entire demeanor shifts. We shed some of the stress of our daily lives, feel more relaxed and connect with the atmosphere around us. Children, teens and adults start to feel a welcome sense of spaciousness and freedom. Neurodiverse family of 4 on a family outing sitting in the trunk of a hatchback, outside on a road during a sunset, wearing masks and backpacks, looking happy together. For neurodivergent kids, especially those living with anxiety or depression, this freedom is often sorely needed. These children and adolescents need a chance to let go from the pressures of all things that they struggle to remember to do and from not feeling good enough at doing them. They spend so much time trying to focus, stay organized and correct their mistakes, that a break to wander, play and explore is a welcome (and necessary) relief. On neurodiverse family outings and excursions outdoors, youngsters and adults alike can just be in the moment. They can enjoy the wide range of outside activities and explore the beauty of the natural environment. They may be happy just to be in a different physical space and do nothing at all. These experiences in nature can be very restorative for them and for you as parents, too. Family outings also provide ideal times for family fun as the ‘shoulds’ of our daily routines are transformed into games, explorations and discoveries.

Tips to having a successful summer family adventure with neurodiverse kids and teens:

Pick a location that offers something for everyone and doesn’t require much planning.

Talk with your family about the available options and what people want to do so you can all work together on making a good experience for everyone. Brainstorm first, and then negotiate any necessary compromises. These outings with your neurodiverse family involve the entire family, so make sure everyone’s voice is heard.

Limit your expectations.

Whatever happens has to be okay with you and okay with your family. Share your hopes for the day and listen to theirs. Be open to and make room for spontaneity and go with the flow. The less control you need to exert during the day, the better it will be for you and for everyone else. Remember to play!

Give your teen or child a few specific, simple tasks.

Neurodivergent girl with ADHD looking at a list to pack for a trip next to an empty suitcase on a bed with clothes laid on it. In preparation for your neurodiverse family outing excursion, make a list and write down items that can be checked off. This gives kids more practice in developing those ever-needed executive planning and organizing skills. They’ll be less anxious about thinking they’ll arrive unprepared or left something important behind, too. Remind them to bring items that help them relax, or a go-to activity if times are tough.

Create some guidelines about appropriate behaviors for your day.

Limit these to 2 things, because the kids aren’t likely to remember more than that. These guidelines should revolve around safety primarily, and be logical and explicit (e.g. swim with another person, not alone, and ask beforehand; stay with the group when hiking; play around the picnic area where we can see you).  Remind your child or teen of these 2 guidelines as you arrive at the location. Then ask them to repeat them back to you. This verbal repetition signals to you that they’ve got it.

Focus on the positive.

Family of 4 sitting outside in front of a fire while camping, they're next to a glowing yellow tent by pine trees under a starry night sky. There will likely be a blip or two on your neurodiverse family outings. Something may happen that may frustrate you or other family members. That’s a normal part of being together and doing an activity. Take a deep breath, focus on what’s most important and help your son or daughter recalibrate. Ask your family what would help them move on and/or make amends if there’s been an argument. Practice forgiveness and refocus everybody’s attention on the positive goals of the day such as exploring a different place or trying a new activity. This especially helps neurodiverse kids overcome the negative memory bias that often leads them to focus more on the negatives than the positives. If they have trouble shifting, look around and notice something in their environment–an adaptation of “I spy”–to become more present. Say something like: “I see a hawk in the sky. How big do you think it is?” “Wow, that biker just rode by so quickly. I wonder how fast she is going?” “Can you pick a cool spot for our blanket so we can have lunch?” 

Enjoy your adventures!

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