It’s really tough to stand in uncertainty and, right now, people around the globe are facing this challenge as best they can. With all of the confusion about whether to send kids back to school and how to manage hybrid or home learning while working, many parents are wrestling with anxiety, frustration and hopelessness. There are just no clear guidelines about what to do or how to move forward. As parents of kids with ADHD, you’re used to facing struggles at home. Issues related to impulsivity, inattention, disorganization among other executive functioning skills can fray your nerves when there’s not a pandemic. Living in close quarters, dealing with food, housing, work or educational insecurity, you’ve probably lost your temper a few more times recently than you would have liked. While regrets can foster change, judging yourself unkindly only makes matter worse. Instead, let’s try to practice self-compassion through humor. Having a sense of humor when raising kids is an essential tool for any parent. Children can expand your heart and push your buttons like no one else. Being able to laugh at what happens, at your reactions and sometimes at life itself helps ease the journey, especially right now. Everybody does things they’re proud of as a parent and things that they wish they hadn’t. Having compassion for yourself when you stumble enables you to giggle at your foibles without bombarding yourself with shame. Self-blame or criticism of others often intensifies small incidents into full-blown explosions. Maintaining a sense of humor reduces the chances of a conflagration. 
As the parent, you need to set the example for your kids by using a tone that brings humor, boundaries and self-reflection to the unprecedented situations we are facing. For example, when your child or teen with ADHD speaks to you in a disrespectful tone, you have a choice. You can angrily tell them “You’re not allowed to speak to me that way. Go to your room.” Or, you can say: “Fresh is for vegetables, not speaking to me like that.” The first option throws fuel on the fire; the second one, dampens the flames. If your teenage son gets into your car, plugs in his phone and listens to rap music loudly that he knows you hate, you could tell him that he’s being selfish and entitled and unplug his phone. Or, you could learn some of the lyrics to his favorite songs and sing along. That will certainly change the dynamic in the car and likely make you both smile. You’re managing your own reaction with humor and not responding negatively. We need some laughs–any humor–to alleviate our stress and worrying. I’m not talking about ignoring the complex reality you are dealing with, but rather pivoting to something lighter temporarily. Put some reminders about positive attitudes and quick comebacks. Consider watching some old family videos (kids love to see themselves when they were younger); make a family movie night with favorite comedy and popcorn; play a silly game together (Mad Libs, charades, Sorry); crank the music and dance in your living room. Using self-control and creativity to look at yourself and your reactions differently, you shift conversations and situations away from annoyance or aggravation by injecting some levity. You’re not only modeling this for your kids as an effective coping tool, you’ll feel better and they will too.
Author: artefact_admin
Body Image and ADHD: How to help kids who dislike their bodies
It’s heartbreaking when your son or daughter shares that they don’t like their bodies. They may dislike their shape, their height, their hair color, their fingernails, their nose or their feet. All too often, kids (and adults) compare themselves to an unattainable ideal of beauty put forth by mainstream media and culture. We see actors, models and social media icons who look polished and seemingly perfect. It seems impossible for us to measure up because their images are carefully crafted and maintained with lots of money and support staff. Kids also perceive other kids as prettier, stronger and more popular. Sometimes family members may criticize us in particularly cruel and painful ways which makes it even more difficult to love who we are. For kids with ADHD who often get on a hamster wheel of negative thinking and may already feel diminished academically or socially, it’s especially tough to stop the repetitive, critical thoughts in their heads. Shifting your views about your body means accepting who you are, what you look like and appreciating our differences. We need to remind kids that yes, they’re not perfect but no one is. Of course, the work is really about what’s inside as much as what’s on the outside. We all have to learn to fill up our own approval cups instead of holding them out for others to fill with compliments and reassurance. This is really tough for kids with ADHD who want to fit in and be accepted by their peers. They want something about themselves to be “normal” since their learning styles are different. Outer appearance, however, may give them some relief but it won’t mend the insecurities inside of them. You really can’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. We have to teach our kids and teens that people may look one way but have something entirely unexpected going on inside of them.
To challenge distorted or negative perceptions about body image, start by helping your son or daughter create a supportive team of caring friends, teachers, mentors and family who love all parts of them.
- Help them take stock of the parts of themselves that they like, make a list and post this in their room or keep in a journal.
- Make a second list of things they don’t like and what, if any, action they could take to change those items.
- Name a positive aspect of these parts. For instance, if you don’t really like your feet (like me–they are flat and I have small toes), you could think about what a great job they do of holding you up each day and helping you walk places. Since I can’t change them, I try to polish my toenails with a fun color to make them look nicer and deal with them as they are. Your daughter might not care for your straight hair, but it’s healthy, shiny and looks good in a ponytail. Your son may feel overweight but is very strong and his size is useful on the football field.
- Go through their clothes and keep the items that they love and make them feel good to wear. Each day, encourage them to dress in something that makes them feel good or boosts their mood. I had one nine year old client who told me: “I dress in the color that I feel that day. Like, if I’m feeling purple, then it’s a purple day.” Go with it. Perhaps ask a caring friend or relative to come over and help your child or teen purge unwanted items or shop online for some new, fun stuff that you can afford.
If people around your youngster are critical of their appearance, brainstorm ways they can deal with these comments appropriately. In a calm moment, create one or two comebacks that are witty and easy to remember and then practice using them. If you need to intervene with teachers or school administrators to set limits because of suspected bullying, talk this over with your son or daughter and protect their safety. It’s not okay for someone to criticize your body and kids need tools to convey that it has to stop. Saying it was a joke or they were just being sarcastic is also unacceptable. These are simply passive aggressive ways to put someone down. If necessary, encourage your son or daughter to take a break from interacting with this person for a while. Sadly, it’s typical for many kids, especially tweens and teens, to dislike some parts of their body. Sometimes dissatisfaction with one’s appearance can have serious and disturbing consequences. Body dysmorphic disorder, bulimia and anorexia are serious mental health conditions that require immediate attention. There’s a difference between casually disliking how your bottom looks in a certain outfit or wanting a smaller nose or wishing your torso was more muscular and actively trying to change your appearance or manage uncomfortable feelings with obsessive thinking and self-harming behaviors. If you notice that your child is seeing bodily defects or malformations that do not exist, if your child is showing changes in how, when and what they eat or if they tell you that they are throwing up on purpose, consult their pediatrician or primary care provider immediately. 
In the meantime, focus on healthy living. Offer positive body-affirming comments and monitor how you talk about your physique. Our kids notice everything and take in what we say and do. Accepting ourselves, warts and all, is a process that benefits everybody. Empathize with their feelings and also remember to, as the song says, “Accentuate the positive!” without being a pollyanna.
Getting ready: Tips for preparing for school in uncertain times
After a spring semester with remote learning and its many complications for students, parents and educators, schools are reopening in the fall. While each state is dictating its own guidelines for this reopening, it looks like many independent schools and public school districts will opt for some type of hybrid learning–a mix of in-person and online instruction. These hybrid models differ according to age groups but the details have yet to be ironed out. The general consensus is that primary school students need more face-to-face instruction that allows for safe distancing and mask-free breaks. Secondary school students, those in middle and high school who tended to adapt better to online learning, will likely face some classroom time alternating with virtual instruction. It’s quite possible that these students won’t attend school daily to accommodate recommendations about social distancing and class size. But, with so much still unknown about the fall semester and information about COVID changing daily, parents, kids and educators are understandably anxious and uncertain about what to expect. How can you prepare yourself and your child or teen for the start of school in this constantly shifting situation?
School closures in the spring and the quick shift to virtual learning combined with job, housing and food insecurity for many people led to high levels of stress and frustration for families. Kids faced losses of daily routines that kept them on track and organized, extracurricular activities that brought them self-confidence, fitness and fun, and regular social interactions with peers and caring adults. They felt angry, discouraged and lonely. As parents, you did the best you could in a tough situation: you managed work, health and safety concerns while making sure your kids with learning differences kept up with their schoolwork. You became their teachers, tutors and advocates–roles, frankly, you were simply not trained for. It’s hard to imagine repeating this scenario again this fall, especially for those of you who have returned to work outside of the home. 
Although many things about school remain in flux, now is a good time to begin preparing your kids and yourself emotionally and mentally for the re-entry. Start with these steps:
- Empathize with their anxiety: As children and teens face returning to school, they’ll have mixed emotions. On the one hand, they look forward to seeing friends, reconnecting with teachers and embracing a ‘normal’ structure to their lives. On the other hand, many kids will be nervous about the changes to school, possible COVID contamination and social interactions. You can best assist alternative learners by empathizing now with whatever feelings they have and normalizing them. It’s hard for adults to understand what’s happening; it’s almost impossible for kids.
- Expect an adjustment period: When kids with ADHD feel anxious and nervous, they can be more inflexible than usual. They may act out their concerns with increased anger, aggression or isolation. Talk about the specifics of their worries, explore possible solutions together and offer pertinent information to answer any questions. Facts and knowledge when shared appropriately alleviates anxiety. Talking about the process of adjustment amidst this unfamiliar of this situation will help them understand that adapting to this new normal takes time and practice.
- Collaborate on weekly family meetings: Although the specifics of school are still unknown, you’ve got to explore and plan for options. When parents and kids collaborate on setting up a learning plan for this fall, the transition back to the new academic picture will flow more smoothly. Make a date and time for a short weekly family meeting to check-in. This is when parents and kids discuss what’s going well, what could be different and how to make those changes.
I’ll be addressing specific tools for the transition back to school in future blogs. In the meantime, focus on the present. Things are unfolding so quickly that it’s important not to get ahead of yourself. Try not to worry. You’ll have the information you need soon enough and then we can figure out what to do next.
Tired of Adolescent Pushback? Here’s how to Understand and Cope with Defiant Teens
Teenagers can push your buttons like no one else. Teens with ADHD–living through the hormonal turmoil of adolescence in addition to struggling with executive functioning challenges such as impulse and emotional control, organization and motivation, can simultaneously need your support and reject your concern. Unable to skillfully self-regulate, small issues can escalate into volcanic eruptions within seconds. The conflict is as frustrating for you as it is distressing for them. Nobody wants to live in a home marked by anger, yelling and unhappiness amidst frequent provocations. How can you reduce your family’s arguments and find better alternatives? Teenagers push back against their parents as part of their quest to answer the two major developmental issues of adolescence: “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” When teens are defiant–rebelling and questioning adult authority–their behavior reflects their burgeoning efforts to separate from their parents and other caring adults while still maintaining their connection. Learning to navigating these attachments while forming your own identity is extremely complicated. It’s a push-pull dynamic inside of them. They want to exercise their independence by making their own decisions and rejecting parental directives but they also rely on their folks for support, guidance and acceptance. They feel confused and resentful but lack the self-awareness and maturity to make more effective choices.
Defiance is a relationship problem: communication has broken down and no one feels listened to. Teens become increasingly defiant and reactive when they feel like their needs or opinions are unseen and unacknowledged. They are still struggling with how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like and tolerate disappointment. As their parents, they need you to meet them where they are: to focus more on your relationship than being right. Expect their pushback and create a predictable plan for dealing with it–regardless of the content. It’s okay for teens to feel angry at their parents for saying “NO” but it’s not acceptable to rage at them, to break things, to damage the house or threaten others. Defiant teens often feel bad about themselves after these episodes. They regret their outbursts but will frequently hide their shame rather than let you see their vulnerability. What they need are tools to manage their intense feelings:
- Increase their body awareness when they are becoming activated: Identify the signs that things are heating up.
- Discuss clear actions for calming down (listening to music, going for a walk or run and texting with a friend): Write these down and post them.
- Review options for what to do or say when they are upset instead of acting their feelings out. Create a few “If this, then that” phrases such as “If I don’t like what you are saying, then I’ll say that instead of cursing at you or calling you names.’
- Acknowledge their efforts whenever they try to make different choices and when they succeed in behaving in alternative, more effective ways. “I see that you really tried to manage your temper for several minutes. That’s progress.”
- Use incentives that matter to your adolescent and link these to the behavioral changes you want to see. When defiant teens have input, they have better buy-in.
Remember, they don’t want conflict in your home any more than you do. They just don’t see other ways to get what they want. Working collaboratively and using STOP, THINK, ACT can further reduce your arguments and their surliness:
- Plan for disagreements: STOP: In a calm moment, acknowledge that you will inevitably clash over issues. Instead of heading towards WWIII, create a plan for calling a STOP in the action. The goal of this Time Apart is to cool down before brainstorming any solutions. Set a specific amount of time for this Time Apart, usually around 15 minutes is long enough for the adrenalin-fueled system to calm down. Describe signs and behaviors that indicate this is needed. Make a list of what your teen can do during this break to regulate themselves.
- Re-group for listening: THINK: This is a time where you listen and reflect what your teen tells you is going on for them, how they could make a different choice and share what you can do better too.
- Move forward: ACT: Together, figure out what the next right thing to do is. How can each of you move on from what’s happened? Brainstorm possible solutions and validate any cooperation you receive. This encourages teens to participate in the future.
Want a summer of sanity? Here are five tips for living better with your ADHD kids today!
With some schools already closed and others finishing up for the summer, parents of kids with ADHD are all asking the same question: What do we do now? Most in-person camps and activity programs have been cancelled and many families have lost necessary childcare, much-anticipated vacations and fun social gatherings. Instead, you are facing weeks of more time spent sheltering-in-place, supervising your children and teens while trying to work from home or scrambling to find safe alternatives so you can go to your job. You’re tired, they are bored and everyone is frustrated. What are your options for salvaging your summer? Before doing anything else, offer empathy to your kids for their disappointment. They’ve lost a lot and kids with ADHD, who tend to have a low frustration tolerance anyway, are particularly worn down. They can be more reactive, less cooperative and increasingly discouraged about their isolation from friends and family. Children and teens are fed up and you are the likely target. The more you try to enforce safe guidelines for preventing exposure to COVID-19, the angrier they can get. They just want it to be over. Other kids are very anxious about re-connecting with the outside world in spite of taking adequate safety precautions. Listen to their concerns and opinions, validate their experiences and acknowledge their positions. When kids feel seen and heard, they are much more willing to work with you rather than against you. 
Collaboration and consistency are the keys to a successful summer for all of you. When you work together on brainstorming ideas, try out possible solutions and aim for steadiness rather than perfection, you can make this challenging situation work. Set up a time for a weekly family check-in. It doesn’t have to be long but everybody needs to participate. Motivate reluctant teens to join you by offering this as a solution to unwanted conflict and ‘nagging.’ These discussion will give you a space to review what’s been happening and tweak plans instead of dealing with spontaneous arguments where nothing can be reasonably discussed. Now that you’ve got that piece in place here are five tips for your transition to summer:
- Create a daily routine: Divide the day into chunks of time and allocate these
periods to various activities including exercise, projects, screen time and rest. Include meals and snacks. This doesn’t have to be rigid but it needs to be consistent. Think like a camp counselor. For example, maybe there’s wake up by 9, breakfast, getting dressed, activity period #1, snack, activity period #2, lunch, quiet time for reading or listening to music–something that promotes calm, activity period #3, screen time, dinner, family game or television show, bath or shower, pajamas and lights out by 10. - Use guided free choice: Give the choice between 2 options during the activity periods that you come up with together. When kids with ADHD can make decisions about what they do, they feel more empowered and have more buy-in. Generate a list of possibilities and then assign two to each activity period. Ideas can include: projects they can do with their hands including crafts, building models or constructing a fort, riding bikes, gardening or just playing in the yard, making a movie, recording a song, playing music, any sports, drawing, painting something including a piece of furniture for fun, cooking, taking action to help others, interactive screen time like visiting a museum, zoo or aquarium, doing puzzles, playing with building blocks or Lego, online games like Fortnite or Dungeons and Dragons, etc. Stick with what engages them and schedule their screen time for the afternoon as much as possible. This is when kids tend to flail around the most, especially as their medications wear off.
- Worry less about the ‘summer slide’: Your son or daughter needs a break from school for the next few weeks. They’ve been slogging through with online learning that’s probably been unpleasant and difficult for them. Take a month off. While reading texts and writing messages may seem fruitless, kids are still reading and writing. You can put free reading into the daily schedule and let them pick the materials including the sports page in the newspaper, graphic novels or any text of interest. Maybe they like to play Soduku or do word searches. These are all ways that they are using academic skills. After they’ve had enough time to recover, if you want to add some studying time to the summer schedule you can but keep it limited to a few times per week for no more than two hours.
- Foster family technology and/or social media breaks: If you don’t put your phones or computers down, your kids won’t either. They will call out your “hypocrisy” and get angry that you can answer your phone or be online and they can’t. If you must leave your device on for work emergencies, then make that very clear and keep it on vibrate in your pocket. Figure out a time each day or each week when everyone goes screen free. Meals are a good place to start. The goal is to create a family ritual that encourages engagement away from texting and social media.
- Arrange and discuss safe social interactions: Kids with ADHD need very
explicit guidelines for practicing social distance with peers and family members. Take a tape measure and show them what six feet looks like. Explain the basic science of why and how COVID-19 is so contagious and the risks that exist not only for them but for others too. Talk about how and where children and teens can safely hang out with friends–a park, a driveway or a backyard. Help younger kids set up get-togethers and offer assistance to teens if they are struggling. Work with them to find safe and fun outlets and activities to connect with peers. The other day I saw four teen boys playing frisbee in the park with masks and gloves. I was very impressed!
This summer is uncharted territory for all of us. Make sure that you get some time for self-care too. Take a rest period for grounding yourself when your kids are taking theirs–even if it’s just five minutes for a cup of tea, some yoga stretches or a catnap. You need to regenerate this summer too!
Navigating Re-integration for Kids with ADHD: Four Essential Tips
As things start to open up, we are now faced with dozens of new challenges. Kids want to see their friends, go to carry-out restaurants, be outside and have some fun. How can they safely socialize with peers, play outdoors or visit with extended family? For tweens and teens who are eager to experience “freedom” from parents, how can you monitor what they’re doing to make sure they are safe without being overly intrusive or micromanaging their activities? Kids with ADHD who struggle with impulsivity, emotional control and sound judgment have higher risks for abandoning their masks and social distancing guidelines in the service of doing what feels good RIGHT NOW. This is worrisome but actually manageable. The keys to successfully re-integrating are starting to re-engage slowly (with supervision) and keeping the COVID safety rules clear and simple. Despite our desires to go back to ‘normal’ life, there’s still a lot of uncertainty in our world. Without a vaccine, wide-range testing and public cooperation around safety precautions, there remains a high risk for all of us in terms of contagion, even if the nice spring weather fools us into thinking we are safe. This means that there’s no real rush to re-integrate except in our kids’ minds. They are so fed up with being isolated, attending school online and missing their friends. 
It’s hard normally for kids with ADHD to be patient: now, it’s almost impossible. They want aspects of their lives back and you also want them to. It’s just a question of how, what and when. Plus, transitioning back into the world when there’s no dependable solution for combatting or managing COVID-19 is naturally anxiety-provoking. For kids with ADHD and anxiety, this can feel overwhelming. Collaboration is the key to a successful transition for your family. Work together to create a plan that opens your family up in ways that feel safe to you but include some of their ideas and desires. As the adult, of course, you have the final say. Strategize with them about how to re-integrate in stages, so they can exercise their needs for autonomy and you can see if they are following your guidelines.
Here are four tips for easing this transition in your family:
Use guided free choice:
Many kids, especially tweens and teens, really want some authority over their lives after having no space from their parents. Brainstorm ideas about how to transition and stay open to their ideas. Narrow these down to solutions you agree on. Create a list of appropriate activities and behaviors. Let them pick one of these to try. When kids exert choices over their lives, they feel a greater sense of maturity and responsibility. We want to nurture this right now. If they can’t follow through or refuse to work with you, then they are showing you that they aren’t ready for the freedom they say that they want. Going out and being with other people is an earned privilege.
Start slowly:
It will take some time to build your trust of their consistency and follow-through on your agreements. Decide in advance how you can monitor their actions without being a helicopter parent. Consider trying social interactions where you can see them: in your backyard, going to a park together, outside on the front steps. Are they wearing a mask? Are they staying six to eight feet apart? You can review how things went afterwards and appreciate their efforts when they cooperate.
Share important facts:
This generation has the world at their fingertips. They can research anything they want to know and often they do. But they are also susceptible to misinformation and rumors. Stay informed about the latest COVID safety recommendations and how the virus is spread. 
Share these basic facts with your kids (and the sources with tweens and teens who may doubt you). This will help reduce their anxiety and give you a chance to answer their questions. Talk about what recommendations make sense for your family, regardless of what other people are doing. Remind them that people have different levels of comfort with risk and we need to respect that.
Plan for setbacks:
Rather than being surprised when kids violate your guidelines and beginning World War 3, predict and explore the difficulties you foresee. Ask them to do the same. Discuss possible consequences for their choices in terms of accountability and learning new skills. If your teen son drives other kids in his car without your permission, even if they kept their masks on, then maybe he’s not ready to drive alone yet. 
He’ll need to sanitize the car and have friends over the backyard for a week or two to hang out until he re-establishes your trust. If your sixth grader goes rollerblading and you spot her whizzing by without her mask, then maybe she’s not ready for excursions to the park like that and has to practice activities with her mask on. Be prepared for times when your son or daughter comes up with the most creative ways to work around the rules as only kids with ADHD can do. If this happens, take a deep breath, wait to respond until everybody’s cooled down and then have a calm conversation. Go back to your agreement and review the family’s guidelines. Hang in there. With your practice, you’ll figure this out! 
Improving Time Management COVID Challenges for Kids with ADHD
Now more than ever, it seems like kids of all ages are wrestling with understanding, budgeting and managing their time. One parent tells me: “My 10 year old daughter dawdles for over an hour at night before going to bed. It takes her forever to get ready.” Another one shares: “My teenager will spend hours online gaming or surfing the net. He forgets to eat or use the bathroom.” Sound familiar? In a world of no schedules, kids with ADHD have lost the typical markers for knowing when one thing stops, when something else should begin and how long a task should take. Why do they struggle with time and how can you assist them in improving this key executive functioning skill? Many kids with ADHD develop their sense of time more slowly than their neurotypical peers. Their brains live primarily in the present: whatever is happening now matters most, with little concern for what comes afterwards. As kids mature into young adulthood, they are better able to consider the implications of their current actions with future endeavors, situations and consequences. But for now, the unhappiness and boredom of the COVID confinement make it incredibly difficult to consider what’s coming down the pike. They are bored and confused, wandering around in a vast expanse of unstructured time. 
Start by providing basic structure to their days and using alarms and alerts to mark the beginning and ending of school blocks, snack, water or meal breaks, exercise or outside experiences and socializing. Do this for yourself too. Since stress hits weaker executive functioning skills first, many kids with ADHD are at an additional disadvantage in terms of organization, planning, persistence and time controls. Many of them will overfocus on tasks which further complicates matters. Prolonged periods of hyperfocus actually deplete the glucose centers in the brain, raise cortisol levels and increase internal stress. Taking planned breaks at agreed upon points (anywhere from thirty to ninety minutes depending on age) helps us reset. Luckily, time management responds extremely well to direct instruction. This means you can work on improving this issue successfully and see progress rather quickly. You’ll need to expect to rely on cueing and make agreements about reminders with your child or teen. We want to improve this skill together based on what makes sense to their unique brains and what you’ve observed about their habits. Follow these tips for teaching your son or daughter how to understand and manage time better:
- Externalize time: Kids with ADHD struggle to feel time: they don’t have an internal sense of minutes or hours passing. Use external, analog clocks or a Timed Timer so that kids can see time moving which will lead to them feeling it.
- Build awareness about time: Neutrally point out how their actions relate to time by verbalizing things like “Look at this, cleaning up your toys took five minutes” or “Let’s set the timer and see how long it takes to put on our pajamas and brush our teeth.” Create games to see who can pick up 20 items from their bedroom fastest or who can monitor the timer when the cookies are backing.
Model how to refer to clocks to check on the time. - Teach estimation skills: Being able to estimate how long something will take is a valuable tool that is never too late to learn. You have to show your kids how to think backwards about time because this is how they can figure out how to plan accordingly. For instance, let’s say they need to be in their online class at 9 a.m. Work backwards, listing the activities they need to do beforehand and guess how long each task will take: getting out of bed (15 minutes), using the bathroom (5 minutes) putting on clothes (10 minutes), brushing their teeth and hair (10 minutes), eating breakfast (15 minutes) and setting up the computer with necessary school items (10 minutes), messing around (10 minutes). If you add these together and subtract 75 minutes from 9 a.m., then you’ve got to set the alarm at 7:45 am.
- Consider the Now/Not now brain: Kids with ADHD are engaged in the moment. Whether it’s compelling or tedious, what’s happening now is what they are focused on. Because it’s tough to shift from one thing to another, they face challenges with following alarms, alerts and reminders. Talk with them about how they can make transitions more successfully. Use simple breathing exercises (alternate nostrils or hands on the stomach), body awareness techniques (noticing heart rate or tension) or statements to direct themselves (“I need to stop gaming now. I can return tomorrow” or “I have to begin my math homework but I can take a break in fifteen minutes.” These tools will aid them in leaving one activity and going to something else.
Be patient. Keep these scaffolding tools in place longer than you think. Most of all, cut yourselves and your kids some slack during this strange situation. Some days managing time will go better than others. That’s okay! Focus on working together to learn this important skill.
Feeling shut down? How to help your family cope with numbness and isolation during COVID
Do you notice that your son or daughter is feeling more frustrated, down and hopeless as the shelter-in-place directive and online schooling continues? I’m hearing from so many kids and parents that things seem to be getting worse as this confinement continues. With thousands of schools switching their grading systems to Pass/Fail, many kids are doing the minimal amount of homework to get by if not avoiding it altogether. Some may not be showering daily, brushing their teeth or putting on clean clothes. Others have reverted to younger and less mature coping skills, erupting and arguing more while cooperating less than they typically do. What can you do to combat their numbness, hopelessness or regressive behaviors?
The first step is acknowledging their very real losses and emotional pain. Nothing is familiar any more. 
They’ve had to let go of daily casual peer contact at school, planned social get-togethers, familiarity of learning environments and teacher interactions–the list goes on and on. Without having things to look forward to, they may get enraged or turn inward and shut down or both. This is especially true for kids who’ve had special events like graduation, sports seasons, dance recitals, drama performances and more snatched away from them without warning. You may well be experiencing pushback, non-cooperation and aggression in your family that you haven’t that you thought you’d moved beyond or is completely new. Let’s review common struggles for families and look at some useful tools for dealing with them more effectively:
- When kids are stressed, anxious and vulnerable, they will act out their concerns with you. A ten year-old boy shared his fear and confusion about living with COVID: “We don’t know when and if this is ever going to stop and if we’ll have our lives the way we want it. . .No matter how much you try not to think about it, you’re still going to focus on it. Like school and stuff but even going on a walk to refresh your brain, you have to wear a mask.” He’s been arguing vociferously with his parents or running to his room, slamming the door and angrily crying more days than not. He doesn’t know how to wrap his brain around what’s going on. Sound familiar?
When kids act out towards their parents, they are showing us with their words and behavior that their emotions have overwhelmed their internal resources to cope. While it’s not pleasant, it is actually a positive thing in one important way. It shows you that they feel both connected and safe enough with you to share feelings that they can neither understand nor manage on their own. Whatever coping mechanisms you’ve helped them develop probably have weakened in the past month or two. Many kids with ADHD (and those without it too) are taking a few big steps backwards based on intense frustration, anxiety and disappointment. This kind of regression is normal during stressful situations. Nonetheless, you shouldn’t tolerate disrespectful, hurtful or inappropriate actions because of their struggles. 
Tip: Expect their pushback, notice when it occurs and plan for how to deal with it in advance. Avoid crises by planning and predicting issues that seem to trigger distress. Talk to your son or daughter, share your observations about their struggle and put a plan in place to calm things down when they occur. Create a timed break, a short regrouping to discuss how to move forward and then take that action: Use ‘Stop, Think, Act.’ 2. Support their need for social connection by figuring out ways to contact and engage peers remotely and/or safely in person. Kids have to be able to experience themselves in relation to their friends to nurture their identity and make sense of the world. All of those casual “Hellos” and “How are you doing?” that occur while passing in school hallways, at lunch tables and on the playground contribute to how they see themselves and who they want to become. We have to assist them to reach out and stay in touch which often means you’ll be responsible for helping or supporting them to facilitate these activities. Tip: Try some of these ideas: Zoom sessions for Lego, drawing or games (Monopoly, Clue, Taboo, etc); chalk drawing outside (mark off sections that are 6 feet apart, put on their masks and watch them); tossing a frisbee or baseball with gloves and masks; share a baking project on FaceTime; bike riding with a friend who also has a mask on; group Zoom dinners, playing music or watching a show via screen share; creating videos with individual characters that are assembled by one or two kids. Anything that’s outside the box but still follows safety guidelines. 
3. Families are tired of being together and everybody’s nerves are fraying. Neither you nor your child or teen can sometimes get adequate or enough space from each other. A thirteen year-old girl told me “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of them [her parents]. It’s been repetitive for weeks. I’d go anywhere as long as it’s not with them.” Your kids love you and you them but 24/7 is A LOT OF FAMILY TIME. Everyone needs SOME time apart that isn’t instigated by arguments, tears or blame. Tip: Plan for quiet, alone time each day. Set a specific, timed period in your day for down time. This may or may not include screen time–that’s up to you. It’s best to talk together as family beforehand and list options for each person that make the most sense for them. You can all choose the same option daily or have rotating activities. Do whatever works best. 
4. Things feel incredibly monotonous right now. When kids with ADHD and their Now/Not now brains look into an unknown future where things have already been canceled for this school year and summer activities are following suit, it’s very discouraging. Life can seem hopeless and they feel powerless and discouraged. You may well feel like this too. Tip; Think one to two weeks at a time. We really don’t know what will happen next month so let’s try not to focus on the unforeseeable future. Instead, create some simple things to look forward to now. Make specific plans for special, fun things like take-out from a favorite restaurant, home-made sundaes on a Thursday night, breakfast for dinner. Talk with your kids about some of their ideas to mix it up and then include their suggestions. 
5 Essential Emotional Survival Tips for Families Living with ADHD during Confinement
It’s hard to believe that we’re halfway through April and we are still living in confinement—all around the world. Although you may have established daily routines (and I hope you have because structure is comforting for kids with ADHD), emotions are probably running high. Each day, we face the same persistent stressors: home-schooling kids who are alternative learners, managing screen time, living with social distancing, trying to do your own work and getting chores among other things. While you manage the daily ins and outs well enough, you and your kids likely deal with the emotional fallout related to this situation regularly. Underneath any anger and anxiety lie sadness, disappointment, loss, frustration, and depression. Confusion about when this unpleasant period will end adds to the intensity of these feelings. What can you do to maintain calm, reduce conflict and offer support to your family?
Thinking all of the time about decisions and actions that used to be second nature is exhausting. How do we grocery shop? Who can I talk to and when? When can I get a minute to myself? Living in uncertainty adds to everyone’s fatigue and fosters helplessness. Sitting all day and spending a lot of time on screens may be necessary right now but it increases feeling sluggish and being cranky. We want to nurture an outlook for your son or daughter that encourages tolerating what’s tough without frequently acting out their frustration and hopelessness. 
Follow these steps to improve your family’s emotional stability and foster resilience:
- Accept where you are and what you feel: It’s natural for people to have low morale and feel stuck right now. Acknowledge these uncomfortable feelings without trying to fix them. Counter negativity with gratitude. Find one thing your family members appreciate every day, no matter how small: The privilege of eating a yummy dinner, seeing the tulips bloom, riding a bike or playing a game. It’s easy to dismiss what we have in favor of longing for what we don’t. Shift your perspective and help your kids zoom out like a camera to see the bigger picture without dismissing their real feelings about what’s been lost.
- Expect friction and strategize: When stuck in situations they don’t like and don’t see ending, people will rub each other the wrong way. Instead of expecting unrealistic harmony, plan for friction between siblings, your partner if you have one or other extended family members living at home. In a calm moment or planned family meeting, create two strategies for dealing with conflict: Option one and the back-up plan.
Notice the signs when things are escalating and call a time apart for 10-15 minutes to cool down and regroup. Post a list of acceptable activities and tools to use to regain self-control. Build negotiation skills and practice forgiveness tools by relying on reflective listening (“I heard you say X, is there anything else?”) and focusing on moving forward through making amends and right action. What can your kids do for each other that shows they’re sorry rather than just saying it? - Control what you can: Limit your exposure to the news by checking it no more than once a day. Things don’t change that much and all of the statistics can be frightening and depressing. Consider past difficulties and write down how you overcame them. Do this with your kids too and post this in the kitchen. They just may glance at it when they’re having a snack and you can remind them about their survival skills if they don’t. Do something zany that injects some levity into
the family and breaks up the monotony of our days. Set up a weekly ice cream or movie night; dance while cleaning up after dinner, dress up in costume for dinner one night. Do anything that brings some joy and laughter to your clan. This is what you can control so go for it. - Give people the benefit of the doubt: No child or teen with ADHD wakes up in the morning and thinks “What can I do today that will really irritate my mom or dad?” They are trying their best with the limited resources of their developing brains and executive functioning challenges to get by. Take planned time-aparts: create specific short periods of low stimulation and calm for people to disengage from each other, rest and refuel. Focus on what really matters and shift your standards a bit.
Neither kids’ homework nor home cleanliness has to be perfect and previous goals extracurricular activities can be lowered some. It’s okay to make adjustments and then ramp things up when we return to “normal.” We are living in an extended crisis that’s a marathon. Practice compassion for yourself and your kids. - Connect with your posse and help your son or daughter do the same: Reach out to a circle of friends and family at specific times rather than checking Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, texts and emails throughout the day. Instead, set a few specific times to do so and then you can really enjoy your connections. We want to reduce media multi-tasking as much as possible which stresses our brain and leads to further exhaustion. Help your kids go for quality in their peer interactions by encouraging contact with one or two people at a time so there’s a better depth to the connection. Seeing caring faces smile back at you reminds you that we are all in this together: you matter to them and they matter to you.
Managing Uncertainty With Your Family During COVID-19: More than deep breathing
This new “normal” isn’t anything we’re accustomed to. With school closures, social distancing, working from home, job lay-offs and 24/7 family time, everybody is making huge adjustments to the massive disruption wrought by COVID-19. While we adults struggle to wrap our brains around these changes, it’s even harder for children and teens who may or may not understand why they are home. Managing uncertainty with your family during COVID-19 will likely be a continuous process for quite some time. Take time to get familiar with anxiety-reducing practices, and make a habit of family check-ins so you all can feel the support from one another during this difficult experience. Kids and teens are now separated from friends, family and familiar activities like school, sports, music, drama, etc. They feel ripped off and, frankly, lack a sense of control about their lives. And then there’s the worry. Daily news reports increase our anxiety. We’re concerned for our loved ones while simultaneously feeling helpless to protect them and ourselves. Many of us are living more anxiety than we are accustomed to and it’s not a particularly pretty picture. And yet, human beings have built-in hope and fortitude. We have all been through challenging times in our lives (perhaps not to this extent) and survived. I’m convinced we will survive this too–although the timeline may take longer than any of us anticipated. How can we apply our resilience from the past struggles to help us in this moment? How can we assist our family in managing their uncertainty along with their disappointment, frustration and loneliness?
Getting to the root of anxiety, and how best to approach it.
Anxiety comes from wanting safety and security and being unsure that they will occur. It wants to make uncomfortable feelings go away and, right now, that’s not really possible. When it comes to managing uncertainty with your family, you don’t want to dismiss your children’s anxiety. Instead, you want to respond to it in ways that are healthy, while managing your own worries, too.
Avoiding anxiety, or pushing it aside, only makes it stronger. Attempting to resolve each worry is like playing a game of Whack-a-mole: once one worry is gone, another will pop up in its place. Instead, this is the time to take a step back and examine how your child’s anxiety operates by focusing on the way it works—the process and not the content.
Managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family by using the 3 R’s:
Reflect, Recognize & Reset.
Instead of minimizing your kids’ feelings, or trying to get rid of them by saying things like, “Don’t worry, we’ll be fine” or, “You can still talk to your friends on social media,” acknowledge how they are feeling. Offer them tools to tolerate the discomfort of their emotions.
Offer these words instead: “Of course you’re disappointed and angry that graduation may be cancelled. It’s terribly sad.” Or, “Of course you’re missing your friends and hanging out. It’s lonely not seeing them in person.”
You are listening compassionately and reflecting back what you hear. Since you can’t make this situation go away, you acknowledge its reality and how your son or daughter is affected by it. You validate their issues and recognize any patterns.
Then, you figure out together what is the next right thing to do to move forward. This is a collaborative process based on brainstorming and, if the well runs dry, a few suggestions based on their interests. You help them reset in a moment when they’re lost or overwhelmed or frustrated.
Building resiliency: The other crucial piece to dealing successfully with uncertainty.
Anxiety is very skilled at causing amnesia about memories of past successes—times when your child or teens faced a fear and overcame the obstacle. To build confidence in the ability to tackle and survive tough times, and the unknown, kids need reminders of their previous achievements. You’re accessing and fostering their inner resilience as you recall together those moments when you’ve seen them recover from obstacles. Write some of these down and post them in the kitchen. Consider doing this for yourself, too.
5 steps for managing uncertainty and anxiety with your family during COVID-19:
When we are worried, we are tense. Kids feel our stress and it increases their own anxiety. Follow these steps to reduce your family’s stress and anxiety.
1. Name the anxiety.
It’s easier to band together to fight the worry monsters that are invading our homes if we identify them. “Oh, there’s Donald Downer, making everyone feel scared again” or, “Here’s Fantasy Fred, imagining the worst.” Consider making a family drawing or writing a funny song about the effect of anxiety in your lives. Enlist your teen’s assistance. Managing uncertainty with your family takes teamwork, and your kids are likely to have some creative ideas and insights, regardless of their protesting.
2. Be honest, without over-sharing.
It’s okay to share a sanitized version of some of your concerns without going into the details. There’s a big difference between, “Yes, I think about Grandma and Grandpa too and wish we could visit them,” and, “I’m so worried about my parents and how they are managing. I don’t want them to get sick and die.”
Be careful about how you discuss your own anxiety within your child’s earshot: little pitchers do have big ears. Try to avoid talking about how much you want an extra glass of wine to soothe your nerves. While that may well be true, you’re also conveying to your kids that self-medicating is a coping tool. That’s not the message we want them to learn.
3. Offer daily kindnesses.
Make a family agreement to do something nice for one person each day. Brainstorm some suggestions together and write these down as reminders. This creates positive plans that are helpful when managing uncertainty with your family. If someone can’t think of anything, you can refer them to the list. Before bed, ask your kids what they did that day or perhaps share these at dinner.
4. Catch them doing something positive.
People are getting on each other’s nerves with each day of confinement. Start a wall of being good. Get some Post-It’s or a large sheet of paper and tape it to a wall. Whenever you catch your kids doing something positive—their schoolwork, chores, playing a game, etc.—write it down. At the end of the week, call a short family meeting and read what’s on it. This turns the attention away from what’s not working to what is.
5. Use bedtime to check in:
Once they’re under the covers, sit or lie down with them for a few moments. Ask them about a highlight of their day—anything. Whether it’s small—“I liked the pancakes this morning” or something bigger—“My teacher liked my essay,” celebrating whatever happiness occurred in the day will shift the negative focus and decrease anxiety. These moments help manage uncertainty with your family by focusing on today. It also counters the fears, disappointments and frustrations by offering a fresh perspective.
While you can’t make uncertainty go away, you can reduce its influence on your family.
Use a daily schedule to bring structure to your days so kids know generally what to expect during their waking hours. Take a daily walk outside and notice your environment: identify new flowers or leaves emerging, pick a color and name things with that hue or count dogs, bicycles, squirrels, etc. This is the time to help your kids learn how to manage their upsets by listening to their concerns, validating what you hear and figuring out together how to move forward.
Read more blog posts:
- How to Transform Anxiety in Kids with ADHD to Excitement
- Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives
- Beyond ADHD Pandemic Burnout: How to Help Your Family Regroup and Find Strength
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