Author: artefact_admin

Gratitude in an Age of Uncertainty

Mother smiling in the living room, cuddling with her two young adolescent childrenIt’s clear that this holiday season won’t look like anything we’re accustomed to. Unable to gather safely with beloved family and friends, many of us (myself included) are planning for much smaller dinners. With all of the uncertainty we’ve been facing as individuals and as a country, it’s more important than ever to teach and practice gratitude for what we have and what’s gone well. How can you do this when you (and your family) may be frustrated, disappointed and anxious?

Gratitude: Thankful

Words such as "Thank you" "Heroes" "Doctors" "Nurses" "Courage" and more, written in black blue and red and aligned in the shape of a heart

The Cambridge Dictionary defines gratitude as “a strong feeling of appreciation to someone or something for what the person has done to help you.” I like this definition because it’s grounded in human relationships, and is more specific than ‘being thankful.’

For some people, it may be easy to feel generally thankful. For others, it may be tougher. Perhaps someone you care about has been sick or died; your children are struggling with remote/hybrid school; or you are dealing with food, housing or job insecurity. Whatever your particular situation may be, shifting the focus and noticing how someone has helped in recent months may open your eyes and your heart to a more accessible type of gratitude.

Expressing appreciation can lead to stronger relationships

An adult standing in front of a blank background, holding their hands over the heart and smiling at the camera.

In our crazy busy lives, we may toss a perfunctory ‘thank you’ for a small act of kindness without wholeheartedly expressing it. Though we may value a patient teacher, an attentive nurse or a competent mechanic, we often don’t take the time to let them know. I believe that the holiday season, starting with Thanksgiving and continuing on through the New Year, offers us an opportunity to express genuine gratitude with people who have touched our lives.

Children and teens with ADHD, who may miss social cues or be unaware of how their actions impact others, really benefit from slowing down and taking stock of helpers in their lives. Teaching kids to notice how people treat them and how to acknowledge consideration and generosity shows them that these qualities matter. They learn compassion, understanding and empathy.

Here are a few tips to practice gratitude in your family this year:

1. Notice what you have, not what you don’t.

We all can live in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘wants’. “I should be able to do X.” “I want a new phone.” When your son or daughter rails on how unfair it is that they don’t have this or that, trying to convince them otherwise wastes your time and energy. Instead of lecturing them and going negative  yourself, take a deep breath, validate their longing and encourage them to keep a list of what they want for the future. Try not to engage but, if you must say something, remind them to focus on what they have and set goals for getting what they want.

2. Build awareness of gratitude: A family activity

Toddler in a yellow shirt holding up a handwritten card that says "Thank you" in different colors.

Grab a stack of Post-Its or scrap paper, and gather your kids together for a 15 minute activity. Ask them to write down 3 specific things in their lives that they appreciate. From sports teams, to their iPad, to hot showers–anything is acceptable.

Next, ask them to connect those items to the person who made sure they happened or provided them. Post these on a large piece of paper, bulletin board or wall in a common area, such as the kitchen or living room. This activity helps your kids see that the cool stuff in their lives is linked to real people.

3. Express gratitude, simply or creatively:

Family around the thanksgiving table, holding a tablet device to connect with other family member virtually.

Similar to learning how to give an authentic apology, kids with ADHD may not express appreciation as we typically expect. While eye contact and a heartfelt ‘thank you’ are ideal, your child or teen may do better with writing or expressing their gratitude in other ways.

Consider doing something fun this holiday: Write everybody’s name down on separate pieces of paper. Then, place them in a hat. Have each family member pick a name, and then write or draw a thank you note for an act of kindness that person has shown during the past week, month or year. Place these notes on plates, and open them together before your meal.

The day after Thanksgiving is also a holiday

The day after Thanksgiving is often filled with Black Friday shopping. But, it’s also a holiday. On October 8, 2008, President George W. Bush signed The Native American Heritage Day bill into law. This day is designated to pay tribute to Native Americans and their important legacy. Consider taking a few minutes to talk with your children about these contributions and how they have enriched our lives.

Read more blog posts:

Source: Meaning of gratitude in English. Cambridge English Dictionary. (n.d.). Retrieved December 20, 2021, from https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/gratitude

 

ADHD Teens and Remote Learning: 5 tips for learning success

Teen with ADHD doing remote learning with help from a parent on the couch Has your ADHD teen hit a wall with remote learning? Many teens with ADHD in middle and high school are struggling with organization, initiation, time management and a limited capacity for self-evaluation. It’s tough as a parent of a teen to know how much involvement is appropriate and when it’s too much. Independent school work–whether it’s attending remote classes or doing homework–require most, if not all, of kids’ developing executive functioning skills. These skills need to be taught directly, and your teen can’t learn them on their own, despite whatever pushback they show you. Today I’m going to discuss how to strengthen a few of the key executive functioning skills needed for school success.

Collaborate with your ADHD teen about remote learning practices, and make a plan together.

First and foremost, you’ll need to co-create a plan with effective interventions to build these skills with less arguing. The key to creating any programs and having them last is to collaborate with your teen.

  1. Set a time for a weekly family meeting.
  2. At the meeting, pick ONE skill to address that you both agree on.
  3. Then, brainstorm solutions and include at least one of their ideas in your new plan.
  4. Prepare to tweak this plan at your weekly chat. As you live with some of these changes, they will likely need to be adjusted.

Finally, remember to validate and acknowledge ANY cooperation and progress towards the goal. When you notice their efforting, kids feel encouraged and will keep trying.

5 tips to help ADHD teens with remote learning challenges:

1. Prepare ADHD teens for the remote learning process

While you’re probably not trained as a teacher, and you may not understand the algebra that your teen is learning, you can still set up the home as a meaningful learning environment. Take some time to understand the online school platform. Make sure your teen does, too. They are agile with the internet, but not perhaps with the intricacies of this site.

Tip: Establish appropriate expectations.

Most teachers are very good at letting their students know what they anticipate from them. You must do the same thing.

If your teen has trouble with completing and submitting their work, set up a routine with the expectation that, at the end of doing homework, you see their finished work and confirm that it’s been uploaded correctly. Provide regular check-ins: ask if they are stuck on something and, if you can’t help them, brainstorm who can.

2. Organization:

Everything needs a place and that includes online materials. When a student attends school in-person, they have materials such as pencils or pens, notebooks, workbooks and textbooks. They store papers and worksheets for classes in folders or files. These materials may be messy or neat, but there’s usually some type of system.

Tip: Manage digital information in a systematic way.

Parent sitting at the computer, thinking and holding a pencil in her mouth, helping her teen with ADHD organize school work by creating an online color blocked calendar.

Teens with ADHD need a similar storage system for remote learning: files and folders that are clearly marked and accessible for class materials, separate browsers for school and fun stuff and calendars for what’s due when.

These calendars can be digital or paper or both. A weekly online calendar with color blocks of what’s happening when, a whiteboard that changes weekly or a paper calendar with Post-Its of tasks will provide a map for your teen of what to do. Give extra time for organizing materials and work with what systems make sense to your teen (by color, subject, numerical, etc.)

3.  Initiation:

Many teens with ADHD struggle with initiation and are excellent procrastinators. They simply can’t start with unpleasant or intimidating tasks, either because of the quantity of the task or its content. If something seems too overwhelming and unpleasant, they can’t get started due to three different types of procrastination:

    • Perfectionism (“It’s got to be just so”)
    • Avoidance (“I hate this”)
    • Productive (“I’ll do something I like that I have to do instead of the important thing”).

Tip: Help ADHD teens with remote learning assignments by breaking them down and using incentives.

The greatest barrier to initiation is someone’s perception of the task. Most teens with ADHD can see the value of completing tasks, but they may well lack the interest, skill or focus to do it. Make tasks small enough that beginning them is within your teen’s reach. Instead of doing five math problems, start with one.

Teen's sneakers on the pavement with chalk drawings of different arrows, each a different color, going in various directions, showing the ADHD teens uncertainty of how to proceed

If your teen doesn’t understand the remote learning material, arrange regular help sessions with the teacher.

To promote follow through, set up timed work periods based on how long your teen can focus before distraction impacts their productivity. For example, maybe they work for 15 minutes, take a planned 5 minute break and work for another study period with another short break, and a final push before a bigger incentive/reward for their efforts. 

3.  Time management:

It’s very common for people with ADHD to experience time-blindness. They wrestle with how to feel and understand time. This challenge makes it harder for kids to estimate how long something will take and what they can do in a certain amount of time. This misunderstanding of time affects their capacity for organization and motivation. Luckily, time responds very well to direct instruction. 

Tip: Make time physical, and use external alerts.

A close-up on a watch that has a clock face as well as words that say "too late" "on time" and "too early" to give context to the time.

Use analogue clocks or timers to show kids how time moves. Instead of guessing about time, collect information by putting on your scientist’s cap. Post a simple chart of a few dreaded tasks, a guess about how long they will take and then a measurement of the amount of time it actually took. For three days, ask your teen (or work with them) to keep track of these, Then review your findings and adjust your weekly/daily calendar accordingly.

4. Self-evaluation:

Self-evaluation, also known as metacognitive awareness, is the last executive functioning skill to coalesce. Often, this happens in the mid-to-late twenties for people with ADHD. The term self-evaluation refers to the abilities for self-understanding, judgment and decision-making. It’s critical to develop this capacity for self-reflection as children mature. Teens who are naturally more self-focused are primed for this process. Better self-awareness fosters the academic and social competence they’ll need for adulthood. When kids understand what kinds of learners they are, they are more likely to feel more confident in their abilities and solve problems more effectively. This is important for adapting to new situations, such as teens with ADHD adjusting to remote learning.

Tip: Ask open-ended questions to guide self-reflection.

Instead of telling your teen what they’re not aware of, or how they could do something differently, ask them questions such as:

      • “What’s helped you before that you could apply to this situation?”
      • “What are some other choices you could make in the future in a similar experience?”
      • “When facing something that you dislike, what’s one strategy that works to get you started?”

Share some of your observations if they are stuck.

ADHD teen girl smiling with her hand on her chin looking up to the side looking like she's thinking in front of a pink backgorund

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Teens with ADHD Habits that Hurt their Mental Health and How to Change Them

In the course of the past few months, I’ve seen a few major habits in teens that seem to be hurting their mental health more than help them. Here are my recent observations and some tips to turn these behaviors around.

Too much time on social media

Social media not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice but it also is built so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” Teens especially feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives which interrupts their ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self.  Tip: Schedule screen-free time during each day. Whether it’s during a meal or after-school to take a break, help teens create some screen-free time to give their eyes and their brains some much-need time away from technology to recover. 

Eating fast food on the run

We are so much of what we eat and we eat non-nutritious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Sharing a meal is not only good for adolescent physiology but it also provides an opportunity for them to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can ::absorbe the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives. Tip: Create regular family meals in your routine. Set aside particular days and times when the family gathers together to share some nourishment. Engage your teen in cooking as well. This is a great opportunity for them to learn a useful and rewarding life skill as well. 

Having arguments via texting or emailing

girl texting on the phone with her mom standing behind her looking at her watch

Nobody can take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive this way, there’s no way to perceive how your words affect the other person. You also may not perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. Teens need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for school, work and life situations where they have to deal with others.  Tip: Assist your teen in dealing with issues more directly, either by phone call, Zoom or safely in-person. Help them come up with some phrases they can say and role play these conversations so they feel more comfortable and confident.

Giving up before they even start

girl looking down and sad with a scribbled thought bubble drawn beside her head

Many teens with ADHD struggle with low motivation, negative outlooks and avoidance procrastination. They put off activities–homework, chores or hygiene–because they don’t enjoy them and may not see the value in them. Many kids have a history of not succeeding despite exerting themselves.  They don’t believe that they can do anything differently now. An adolescent boy told me, “I’ve tried before and failed so why would it be any different now?”  Tip: Break tasks down into smaller chunks. This will make projects more manageable. Help kids recall times when they made efforts and succeeded. Clarify what tools and actions they had used. Notice their efforting–their progress towards a goal and encourage them along the way. 

 

ADHD and Anger: Tools for Reducing Family Conflict by Starting with Yourself

Adolescent with ADHD holding her hands to her temples out of annoyance and anger putting her back to her mom as her mom holds her arms out in question behind herIt’s amazing how a small spark of miscommunication or defiance can trigger an explosion in families, especially those living with ADHD. For kids who struggle with executive functioning challenges including working memory, behavioral control and emotional regulation, parents aren’t often sure how to prevent or subdue these fires, symptoms of ADHD and anger, consistently. Instead, you end up playing whack-a-mole–going from one crisis to another and feeling increasingly burned out by the stress from these intense interactions. How can you prepare for the unpredictable nature of angry outbursts, without also resorting to unproductive threats, fruitless punishments and yelling?

Step One: Understand the Root of the Anger

The first thing you need to do is look at the  process of anger instead of focusing on its content.  Your kids can push your buttons like nobody else. It’s almost as if they are wired to know what triggers you and sets things off. You do the same for them. Whether it’s conscious or out of our awareness, family members irritate each other. During this time of hybrid or remote learning with extended and increased family time, everybody’s fuses are short. As parents, we may forget that kids with and without ADHD annoy us and push back for several reasons: 

      • To get what they want.
      • Because it can be fun to see you get upset.
      • In an effort to create space or separation
      • When they feel upset and can’t contain their feelings
      • To demonstrate independent thinking or actions

Kids with ADHD, because of their slower-to-mature executive functioning skills, may engage in these behaviors with more frequency and intensity than their neurotypical peers. We have to help them learn to manage better by monitoring ourselves first. 

Step Two: Know the Parents’ Role

Young boy with ADHD and anger crossing his arms and turning his back to his father who is looking frustrated at him and sitting on the couch with his laptopAs parents, our job, regardless of how provocative our children and teens may be, is to stay steady, centered and neutral. Of course, it’s tough to be calm when your son is cursing at you because you told him to stop gaming now or your daughter is crying because she’s exceeded her time limit on her phone and wants more. Most of us just want the arguing and tears to stop. So we do whatever it takes to make that happen–even if it means giving in to their demands, backtracking on what we say we were going to do or screaming louder to dominate and frighten them. These solutions will not improve your situation.

Step Three: Give Kids the Tools to Manage Emotions

Kids with ADHD need tools to manage the big, tidal waves of emotion that threaten to swallow them up. Sometimes, they will keep on arguing and pushing you even though they know things will end poorly.Marla, age 14, told me: “I don’t want to give in or I can’t give in. Then I’ve lost.” Letting go seems like another failure. Delay tactics, avoidance, and denial are all methods to distract you from holding onto yourself and choosing a different response.

When young male deer or elk come of age, their antlers are covered in velvet. These bulls need to remove this velvet and they rub against trees to do this. They eat, drink, frolic with comrades and continue to come back to the tree for respite and aide. They need assistance taking off their velvet and transitioning to adulthood. Our children do the same. We are the tree: we stay rooted, we weather storms, we offer protection, we may be punctured by a sharp poke from an antler. But we are steady, dependable and strong. The tree never yells at the elk and tells them to back off and go away. The tree may lack the necessary bark to help with the removal of the velvet and may not be able to meet the buck’s needs. That is okay. The bull can roam elsewhere, eventually returning for another attempt to rub away the remnants of adolescence with the bark of that familiar tree. 

Now I’m not saying parents should be silent trees, absorbing abuse from their children. Rather, I’m advocating a position of self-Control rooted in self-awareness and patience. Of course, you have to set limits about inappropriate language, aggression and harmful behaviors. You are still responsible for the health and welfare of your son or daughter and your own sanity matters. What I’m suggesting is that you use this example as a metaphor: to actively say to yourself when your child is having a meltdown (as one of my clients does), “I’m being the tree. I’m being the tree instead of exploding.” You use it as an affirmation, as an image of strength, as a comfort that this too will pass. 

Step Four: Practice the 4 P’s.

Mother trying to get son's attention who is on the computer listening to headphones and raising his hand for his mom to go away

Kids have told me over and over that they don’t like conflict in the family any more than their parents do. This is your golden ticket to reducing arguments with them. Follow these steps to change your approach and respond differently when anger rears its ugly head:

    • Predict:

      Although each situation may vary, the process of how your child or teen responds when they are angry is more consistent. What are the types of responses you notice? How were these issues resolved? Jot down some of your ideas. Then schedule a calm time to discuss the anger pattern with your son or daughter using neutral statements such as “I’ve noticed…” or “It seems like…” Share a few observations about your reactions too.

    • Prepare:

      Preparation leads to success. No, you can’t plan for every situation or eventuality but you can have a basic, consistent approach for when someone is showing you with their bodies, words or actions that they are triggered and losing it. Use Stop, Think, Act (see resources) and plan for a Time-Apart until things cool down. Together, make a list of soothers (activities that settle someone down) to assist with this process.

    • Practice:

      Collaborate on how you’ll decide to call for a Time-Apart and which activity to use. Set a time-limit for this period of regrouping. Remember that it takes the nervous system at least twenty minutes to recover from an acute stress reaction which includes intense anger. New skills and patterns require a lot of repetition and scaffolding for them to take hold. Stay patient and take the long view.

    • Pivot:

      If what you are doing in a given moment to respond to a face-off isn’t working, pivot and try something else. Think outside of the box and leave yourself reminders on your phone or Post-its so you don’t have to come up with something when you’re stressed. You want to let your child or teen know that you mean business without yelling or escalating. To that end, make sure you’ve agreed to a fall- back plan that everyone agrees to. The aim of the agreement is collaboration towards changed family dynamics. Set up a non-cooperation clause from the start.

Father smiling and helping his daughter with ADHD with her homework, who is beside him looking at him and smiling as well Good luck, breathe deeply and remember: stay rooted to rise up.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on YouTube:

Deeper Dive: Anger Management and ADHD https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/

Change those habits that hurt mental health: Do something different today!

With everybody struggling now more than ever, I see a few major habits in my clients living with ADHD that hurt their mental health more than help them. Let’s look at these behaviors and explore how you can make a few shifts that will improve your family’s daily living and relationships. Instead of trying to change all of these at once, pick one to work on at a time. Notice any progress with specific praise and be patient. Change take time and practice.

  1. Spending too much time on social media: Social media not only seems to use up time faster than everybody notices but it also is built to so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” Kids feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. For kids with ADHD who often struggle socially, this creates more stress in their lives. This tension interrupts their ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self. Solution: Make sure your son or daughter has in-person, COVID safe interactions with peers to balance online socializing. Talk about FOMO and explore the difference between what kids worry about in their minds and what’s actually happening with their friends. Help them create a conversation starter if they are shy or a practiced response when they overwhelmed. Many kids with ADHD need help having a phrase or two in their vocabulary to facilitate connections with peers. Talk with them about the cultivated images other kids post about themselves and how those may contrast with who they are inside. Normalize their insecurities and social challenges and experiences most kids deal with as part of growing up.
  2. Eating meals on the run:  So many kids eat fast food or grab something to munch while watching Youtube videos. Many families eat dinner in front of the television with little conversation. Sitting together to healthy meals build connections while modeling how to slow down and eat socially. When kids rush to gobble a slice of pizza and chips, they’re not providing their brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Solution: Sharing a meal is not only good for our physiology but it also provides an opportunity to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorb the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives. Set aside a few times per week to have a family meal if you can’t do this nightly. Ask your son or daughter about “a high and a low or a happy and a crappy” moment that happened during the day. Even if the meal is short, you’re showing them the importance of healthy eating and how meals are social events.
  3. Having arguments via texting, messaging or emailing: Disagreements that happen over texts can often inflame situations instead of lowering tension. Kids often say things over text that they wouldn’t say in person either because the statements are inappropriate or because young people lack the courage to communicate their thoughts this way. Since we can’t see or perceive the effects of what we are saying via online communication, there’s no way to detect how how the other person is perceiving those words and feeling inside. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. Solution: When we communicate face-to-face, we can detect these reactions. Kids need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for school and other life situations where they have to deal with others. Practice direct communication at home with attentive awareness. Give neutral feedback when you notice your son or daughter is upset by saying “I heard you say X, did I get that right?” or “I notice that you are starting to raise your voice. Can you please change your tone?” Ask them to notice your facial reaction and what this is showing them. This helps them become more attuned to the impact of their words and actions on others. Brainstorm other ways to deal with relationship issues so they understand the options they can rely on. 

ADHD and Screen Sanity: Why a digital break is good for everybody right now

Young child drawing in a notebook at a table in front of a tablet showing the challenge of ADHD and screensFor many students, families and educators this fall, school as we’ve known has changed. Hybrid or remote learning means spending up to seven hours daily online for classes and then more time for homework. Many kids like to relax and connect with their friends via gaming, social media apps or FaceTime. Can overusing technology be a problem for the mental health of kids with ADHD? Can it lead to emotional and/or behavioral difficulties? How can you help your family better manage ADHD and screens at home?

Concerns about ADHD and screen overload

Mood and social connections

When kids with or without ADHD spend too much time on screens, they often become more irritable, lose skills for entertaining themselves and develop fewer critical relationship skills (such as reading facial cues and body language, even with masks on).

Movement and exercise

Risks for obesity increase as the lack of physical exercise and fitness goes down. Exercise, on the other hand, would produce important endorphins and hormones that improve emotional as well as physical well-being.

Anxiety and FOMO

Many of kids and teens with ADHD are already prone to anxiety or dealing with anxiety disorders: 34% of kids with ADHD have a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. They can become more anxious–worried about FOMO (fear of missing out)–about what they are missing online or how to engage with peers virtually. Many feel pressured to upgrade to new and better equipment. In addition, isolation from less in-person peer contact intensifies the possibilities of depression and social anxiety. The combination of ADHD and screen overload makes it hard to learn and practice skills such as reading facial cues or body signals, having casual conversations or nurturing friendships. A teenage boy sit on a couch holding his controller and playing video games.

Manage ADHD and screen time with regular digital breaks

A daily, if not weekly, digital break is an effective tool for improving mental health and giving technologically overtaxed eyes and brains time to recoup. By taking a break from being online, children and teens with ADHD can focus on other areas of their lives. They can nurture interests, activities and interpersonal relationships. They’ll connect to and develop other parts of themselves that improve self-esteem and foster positive moods. Whether it’s cooking, shooting hoops, listening to music or walking the dog, their brains and their eyes need time to recover from processing visual information.

Aim for consistency

Set aside some time each day or maybe once per week without technology. Meals are a good place to start. Then, if you can, expand this to a few hours or even one day a week.

Neurodivergent teen taking a break from screens by shooting a basketball outside on the blue skyInclude the whole family

Creating a digital break doesn’t have to incite meltdowns and explosive family arguments. If you make it something everybody does, then it’s more likely to go over better. What kids, especially those with ADHD, can’t stand is when parents tell them to get off their devices while their parents stay on their own phones or iPads. Of course, you may need to make a plan with extended family or work for handling emergencies. Clarify this exception right from the start.

Make it fun for everyone!

Neurodiverse family of 4 happily cooking dinner together by chopping vegetables at the kitchen table. Instead of “doing nothing” during this time, or only dreaded chores, plan a fun family activity that may include raking leaves followed by ice cream. Or, ride a bike or take a walk to a favorite taqueria. Even thirty minutes daily can offer much-needed relief and give you a chance to interact as a family. If you’re lost about ways to start a conversation, try asking about “a happy and a crappy” of the day or week. One of my clients shared this with me and I laughed aloud. It sounded more fun than my simple “a high and a low.”

Maintaining ADHD and screen sanity in the long run

By taking these breaks from various types of digital life, you can give your family and yourself some space to do something else without FOMO. Everything–social media, gaming, surfing the net–will still be there when you return. While managing ADHD and screen time with a digital break will be challenging at first, the long-term pay-offs are worth it. Stick with it, and negotiate the terms of how and what screen-free time looks like. Expect pushback, and do it anyway. You’ve got this!

Learn more:

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/

At-Home Learning with ADHD: Creating an ADHD-friendly learning environment

Young girl with ADHD, yawning in bed, doing school work with her stuffed animals for at-home learningStudying in bed? Doing homework on the couch while watching television? Hybrid and remote learning are challenging for so many kids and parents. If you want your child or teen with ADHD to show up for their remote classes with focus and concentrate on their homework/classwork, they’ve got to have a designated study space. For many students with attention or learning challenges, going to class in their rooms with their doors closed may well mean that they are multitasking, distracted and switching from school to social media or gaming. Despite their pushback and complaining, they need an ADHD-friendly environment to help them thrive with at-home learning with ADHD.

School is still in session.

While it’s important to empathize with your kids’ boredom or frustration, you’ve also got to make sure they can get their work (or some of their work) done each day.

In addition to establishing a thoughtful daily plan, you can facilitate academic focus and participation by putting together a home study spot. These study spaces don’t have to break the bank. What’s most important is that you’re clarifying what it means to be working versus what it means to be off-duty and where this activity will occur. When kids with ADHD and learning challenges have routines and areas that are dedicated to learning, it’s easier to begin and stick with academic tasks. 

Of course, you can’t reproduce school at home. But you can set up an environment that mimics school as much as possible. This aids kids to enter a space that is conducive to thinking and study while simultaneously fosters the organization of their materials, books and technological devices. Remember, you’re entitled to having IEP and 504 accommodations during this time, so ask your school for any resources or tips you may need.

Create a supportive at-home learning environment for kids and teens with ADHD:

1. Create a weekly family meeting.

This is a time to discuss expectations, concerns, review routines and study plans and explore options for things that aren’t working. When you have a weekly meeting, everybody knows that they talk about what they like and what they don’t at a specific time just for that purpose. Some families do this twice a week for shorter discussions; others do it once a week for longer check-ins. Brainstorm what will work with your kids: when they participate in creating a plan, they’ll have more buy-in. Of course, as the parent, you get to make the final decision but please take their opinions into consideration.

2. Make a daily routine and post it.

Kids with ADHD especially benefit from some structure and knowing what to expect. Break up the day into blocks of time forgoing to classes, studying on their own (worksheets, projects, assignments), movement and snack breaks, lunch, going outside, homework, chores and fun screen time.

Family of 4 doing at-home learning work together with kids with ADHD on a white board at the kitchen table.

Be as specific or general depending on what suits your child or teen. Some kids like having activity periods and they can choose what to do from an agreed upon list; others like a more predictable plan. There’s no one-size fits all for at-home learning with ADHD.

Whatever you choose, post write it down and post it in the kitchen and in their bedroom. Visual reminders are key for these alternative learners. Try to work alongside your kids or in their presence so it’s clear that certain blocks of time are family work time. Then you can observe their level of participation, take breaks together or offer academic support. 

3. Name a study space and personalize it.

Girl with ADHD doing at-home learning at her own table sitting by her cat in the living room Whether it’s the same spot at the kitchen table, a folding tray that you set up each morning or a desk in a common office, decide where your child will study. Make sure your kids have headphones and are separated into different rooms or different areas of the same room. 

Consider getting desk dividers if you have more than one child at home are they are sharing a table. Adjust their screen height so it’s at eye level to avoid neck and back pain, the brightness to reduce eye strain and make sure their feet can reach the floor so they are grounded.

Put together a special storage space like a locker for their books, notebooks or other supplies: use a plastic box, milk crate or make a cubby. This will help them organize their stuff. Discuss how they can personalize or decorate their home study space to make it more comfortable and inviting.

4. Foster time management.

Kids with ADHD often struggle with time blindness. They don’t understand what time feels like, and they’re not aware how to keep track of it. Purchase an analogue clock or timer to teach them this skill. They An image of a face of a clock, held up by two hands in front of an orange background.need to see time move to grasp it.

Help kids engaged in at-home learning who have ADHD use technology to their advantage–set up alerts and alarms on their phones, or use banners on their devices as reminders. Put these clocks and timers in their study space.

If your child or teen has trouble with time management or completing assignments, talk to the school and ask for assistance.

5. Practice empathy.

Father sitting with his son with ADHD outside, calm and having an important conversation

Just as it is hard for you to get things done at home sometimes, it’s even harder for your child or teen. Instead of anger and resentment, go with compassion. Most kids don’t want to learn from home any more than you want them there.

In those tough moments, manage yourself before dealing with your son or daughter. When you’re calmer, you can be more open and caring towards them. They simply don’t have the mature brain that you do to process all of this disappointment, isolation and distress.

If they are getting upset, they are showing you that they lack the personal resources needed for the task at hand.Acknowledge their frustration first; problem-solve later. Your empathy will go a long way to diffusing the intensity of their situation and build deeper, lasting connections.

Read more blog posts:

Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/  

Free access to summit on helping teens be their best selves

Hi there— Do you feel disconnected from your teens? Are rolling eyes and door slamming a part of your everyday life? Would you like more cooperation and less frustration in your family? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I want to recommend this for you. My friend, Zhanna Shybaila, educator, behavior specialist, and mentor for teenagers, has put together a terrific summit all about parenting teens. “Unleash their poTEENtial:” How to empower your teens to improve their self-image, master social skills, and get them fully engaged in their own lives starts tomorrow August 31. There are 20 speakers who have come together to share their knowledge on the well-being of teens and how to strengthen family relationships. I have a complimentary ticket for YOU to attend. Just enter your name and email in the box on this page and hit “get access.” You can register using this link: https://unleashtheirpoteential.com/SharonS In this summit, Zhanna and I had a great talk about ADHD and learning differences, reducing everyday stress and cooperation during COVID. This presentation will not only discuss how can parents support our teens during homeschooling, but also about how we help them to organize their school routine, so they would be less distractive during school hours. We’ll look at if you need to monitor teens’ work time, how much can you trust their independence, managing screen time and improving executive functioning skills for teen and young adults.  I hope that you’ll check this out because I think you will find a lot of value in the sessions. Best, Sharon P.S. In case you’re wondering who the speakers are, here are some of them: Gene Carroccia- ADHDology, Bob Dietrich- ADHD toolbox, James Anderson- Mindset, “Mindful by Design”, Stephane Provencher- “Billionaire Parenting”, Chuck Geddes- Complex Trauma Resources, Joan Rosenberg- Anxiety, Emotional Mastery, Sharon Saline- ADHD, Learning differences, mental health, Christina Bjorndal- Trauma healing, Rose Buono-Stress Assessment, and Hypnotherapy and of course yours truly Sharon Saline- on ADHD and learning differences.    

4 Straight-forward, Practical Hacks for Managing Your Anxiety TODAY

It’s natural for parents to feel stressed and anxious right now. Whether your kids are going back to school in person or a hybrid learning situation, there are complicated issues facing families everywhere. Anxiety wants security and certainty and, with COVID related risks,  we just don’t have much of that these days. To help you manage your anxiety, try these tools:

  1. Identify what you can control: Rather than focusing on what might happen and the possible negative outcomes from that, shift your attention to proactive action. What steps can you take to protect your child and yourself as much as possible? Get as informed as you can about your school’s policies and decide whether those make sense to you and your family. If not, explore what choices make you feel most comfortable. Give your student the tools they’ll need. Provide your child or teen with masks and hand sanitizer. Show them what physical distancing looks like: use a tape measure to demonstrate six feet. Review hand-washing techniques and the importance of not sharing food or drinks. Set up a routing of hand sanitization when they come home from school. 
  2. Brainstorm solutions to challenging social situations: Your kids will need some help figuring out what to say when other kids aren’t wearing masks or social distancing. When you work on this together, you’ll lower your anxiety as well as theirs. Create a few easy-to-remember statements with them such as “I’d like to play with you during recess. Will you wear a mask to make it safe for us?” Or, “I’m sorry but I’m not sharing my lunch these days but your sandwich sure looks good.” Or, “I’d love to come over and hang out but I have to check with my parents.” When kids have clear language that gives them a way out of sticky situations, they’ll be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This will be reassuring for you.
  3. Put a centering activity into your daily routine: Whether it’s five or thirty minutes of meditation or yoga, a walk, run or bike ride outside or dancing to your favorite song each morning, find something that makes you feel good and do it. We need those wonderful endorphins from exercise now more than ever. The benefits from daily yoga and/or meditation will help you practice how to monitor your reactivity and use your breath or slow movements to calm yourself down during those inevitable stressful moments. Make a list of quick calm-me-down activities when you feel nervous that includes changing your environment (go to a different room or get a breath of fresh air), drinking a glass of water, saying a positive affirmation that you believe or going to the bathroom and splashing water on your face.
  4. Recall past successes in times of stress: Anxiety is very skilled at fostering amnesia about our personal resources and strengths. In a quiet moment, think about some challenging times in the past and how you overcame them. What personality traits and life skills assisted you? How can you apply those strengths to this situation? Write down some of your reflections so you can refer to them in a tough time. Ask for support from caring friends and family members to help you use some of these tools when you’re feeling particularly worried.

Dealing with Defiant ADHD Teens and Tweens in this Strange COVID Summer

Mother on the phone looking stressed working from home while her tween boy with ADHD plays with a loud boombox in the backgroundNow, more than ever, there seems to be very little we can predict and hold onto. Everyday, we hear new reports about climbing COVID cases as we struggle to practice safety measures, keep up with work, manage bored kids and keep our sanity intact. It can all feel too much to handle. Of course, in the midst of trying to keep your head above the water, there’s nothing like a defiant ADHD teen or tween to put you over the edge. How do you cope with the overwhelming stress? What can you do to help your child manage their big feelings and reduce family conflict?

Why teens and tweens with ADHD are engaging in more defiant behavior

Angry and frustrated with the many changes to their lives wrought by COVID, and feeling helpless to do anything, many kids are acting out in ways that are often inappropriate. It seems that they’ve taken a giant step backwards in managing their distress. With their executive functioning challenges related to emotional and impulse control, scattered kids are prone to intense pushback and aggressive anger. Defiant ADHD teen girl getting upset and yelling at the camera in front of a pink background Teens and tweens with ADHD, whose brains mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers, are particularly torn between what they would like to be capable of doing and what they can actually accomplish. They’re often very frustrated with themselves, and, unable to tolerate their shame, act out their personal dissatisfaction towards others–often their parents. They unconsciously want you to make it better for them, just like a young child would. Teens are still struggling with how to tolerate disappointment appropriately and how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like. With all of the changes surrounding COVID and losses of familiar and beloved activities, the natural challenges with shifting, flexibility and planning for transitions for many kids with ADHD are intensified. Of course, when they are triggered, emotional and verbal impulse control fly out of the window. 

Frustrated defiant ADHD teen looking angry and putting his fingers in his ears to block out noiseUnderneath all of their bluster, many defiant ADHD teens and tweens suffer from low self-esteem and shame. They need tools for expressing themselves appropriately and signs of parental support for their attempts to use these techniques, even if they’re not completely successful. You’ve got to remember that, while they may seem to enjoy the sense of power in the moment, they really don’t like the conflict any more than you do. It’s just that they lack certain skills which could help them.

Steps to disrupting cycles of defiance for ADHD teens and tweens:

1. Acknowledge their frustration:

Instead of convincing your defiant ADHD teen or tween why things aren’t the way that they perceive them, validate their feelings. Mirror what you hear them saying with language like, “I hear that you are upset about X” or, “What you’re telling me is Y.” When kids feel seen and heard, they’ll begin to slow down.

2. Set ground rules about acceptable behavior:

Discuss with your kids what ways of expressing anger or displeasure is appropriate and what are not. Be specific about language and physical actions. In addition, set up incentives for cooperating and logical consequences for obstruction. For instance, “If you curse at me, you will not earn the privilege of your phone for the rest of the day.”  Or, “If you can go through a day and not scream or break something, you’ll earn extra screen time.” Work with incentives that matter to them. 

3. Plan for arguments:

Let’s face it, you will get into fights. Instead of being surprised each time this happens, identify signs that you are heading into the red zone and how to take a planned, timed break. Make a list of acceptable choices for this “Calm-me-down” time and post it in the kitchen and bedrooms. Separate for an agreed-upon time until you can re-convene without hot tempers from defiant ADHD teens or tweens. For some kids, this break may need to be a few hours. That’s okay. 

4. Decide what’s next:

Mom joyfully dancing with her adolescent with ADHD Instead of trying to teach a lesson, talk about what’s needed to move on. Ask questions, listen and reflect back what you hear. Wonder about alternative choices you both could have made in that instant or could make in the future. Collaborate on an action for moving on. Refer back to your agreement about ground rules while staying compassionate but firm. You can talk about any lessons at another time, perhaps the next day in the car or perhaps at a scheduled hour. It’s really important to notice and validate the activities and emotions that your defiant teen is becoming triggered. This type of validation will lower their rage and shame. Your goal is to cool the flames in the moment and follow your collaborative agreement. Teaching lessons will come later.

Learn more: