Category: Neurodiversity

5 Tips for Parenting Neurodiverse Kids on the Same Page

Two parents in a disagreement with their arms crossed and looking away while sitting next to each other on a couch Parenting with a former or current partner who doesn’t share your views about neurodiversity, including ADHD, learning disabilities, twice-exceptionality or autism, can be very challenging–for you and for your child or teen. Neurodiverse kids really need consistent messages, similar schedules and clear expectations. If they are moving from one household to another, this regularity becomes essential. This can be difficult enough when parents live together and even tougher when they don’t. Perhaps your parents or in-laws help with childcare but don’t believe in neurodiverse diagnoses or understand them. In these situation, parenting neurodiverse kids on the same page as other caregivers can seem nearly impossible.

Aiming to be steady, not perfect, when parenting neurodiverse kids

Your goal isn’t perfection–being consistent at all times–but rather steadiness. Steady household routines and steady parenting help children and teens learn what to expect. Because of this, cooperation improves and anxiety is reduced. Being able to predict what’s coming, more or less, helps them manage their emotions. In addition, it helps them organize their stuff and plan for the transitions.

Shifting from one thing to another and demonstrating flexibility are tough for many neurodiverse kids. They can make these adjustments more readily if there is a repetitive pattern along with helpful checklists. This goes for working on similar executive functioning skills at school and home, too.

When parents are separated or divorced, you’re not with with your ex for a number of reasons. However, you are still connected through your child(ren). You may not like each other, and you might not want to be friendly. That’s up to you. You may live with a partner who has totally separate ideas about parenting from you. Either way, you’ve got to find ways to work together when it comes to parenting your neurodiverse kids – it’s in the best interest of your children. Research has found that the best measure of a child’s well-being after divorce is how the parents can get along. What can you do to coordinate care across multiple households with less stress and more cooperation?

Follow these tips for more effective partnership parenting:

1. Finding a way to work together:

Two people hitting elbows with each other for teamwork of parenting neurodiverse kids

If you are unable to have civil conversations, find mutual ground or discuss delicate subjects without major arguments, determine how you will communicate about touchy subjects. Practice reflective listening so each person feels heard and understood as a first step towards compromise.

If talking is difficult, agree to send fact-based emails about your child or teen with updates about what’s happened at your house this week, issues with school or friends or any concerns. Perhaps create a general daily routine which can be adapted to the needs of each household and share it online. For some people, even these steps are difficult. I would strongly recommend that you seek counseling with someone who is educated in parenting neurodiverse kids.

2. Prioritize your neurodiverse kid’s needs:

Decide what issues are the main priority for your child based on information from school, extracurricular activities and/or medical needs. Identify your child’s strengths and challenges and find a place of agreement or overlap. Lean into the challenges that you both perceive first. Pick something small to address that can span both households. Then, outline how you’re going to address this. If you are unable to figure this out on your own, seek some help from your PCP or pediatrician, or consider counseling. Remember, your child’s welfare is the center of the story not your issues with your (ex) partner. 

3. Create similar routines:

Someone looking at their online calendar on a tablet

Things don’t have to be identical at each household or between each partner in the same household, but they need to resemble each other. When it comes to parenting neurodiverse kids, it doesn’t help your child to play ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop.’ Supporting routines and collaborating as adults isn’t about control or who’s got the power in the family. Rather, it’s about what serves the best interest of your child. Perhaps your son has different sets of chores at each house, but you agree that he has chores. Maybe your daughter does her homework at different times but has comparable bedtimes. Setting related guidelines about screen usage is also important.

4. Parenting neurodiverse kids with a unified treatment approach:

Many parents don’t agree on medication, counseling, coaching or tutors. What do you agree on when it comes to parenting your neurodiverse kids? You may have different opinions because you have different knowledge bases. How can you meet in the middle? Who could assist you with this? I encourage you to talk to your PCP or pediatrician about this or maybe take a webinar together that focuses on parenting neurodiverse kids.

5. Set logical consequences:

We know that punishment is ineffective. Punishment won’t help for parenting neurodiverse kids, and it doesn’t teach any skills. Learning effective self-management skills is critically important for them so then can eventually move into self-reliant adulthood. What do consequences look like in each house, and for what offenses?

When there is similarity in how parents deal with issues, and when the adults come together on big issues based on shared values and morals, children and teens respond with more cooperation. Make a collaborative plan as a family for what you are going to do to manage misbehaviors, backtalk, aggression, lying etc. Consider creating a contract that everybody signs so your child sees that you are taking this seriously.

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Fresh Start Family Podcast: Working to Overcome Anxiety & Frustration in Kids Who Have ADHD, Autism, or Learning Disabilities

Families, are you overwhelmed with the challenges of raising a child with ADHD, autism, or learning disabilities? Or are you like so many families who are wondering if your child may be an alternative learner, but just aren’t sure? Even if you are just looking for some ways to connect with your child and restore some peace and balance to your home… This episode is just what you need to hear. Click the image below to listen to the episode.

Additude Webinar Replay – Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity: How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender

“If every generation of youth finds a way to upend parents’ basic notions of the world, certainly gender is today’s arena for change. With children and teens increasingly declaring a gender different than their sex assigned at birth, and many teens responding to “they/them/their,” nothing short of a gender revolution is taking place. Parents are often left to play catch-up with their children and teens, who increasingly view gender as a spectrum, not a binary. As young people work to understand and define their gender, caring adults may struggle with how to respond appropriately, how to manage their own feelings and reactions, and how to give or find adequate support. For parents of kids living with ADHD, additional concerns about executive functioning challenges — like impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, planning, and focus — may further complicate the picture. It is important for parents, clinicians, and coaches to research how this generation of youth is reframing notions of gender and how neurodiversity intersects with this process. In this webinar, Julie Mencher, MSW, and Sharon Saline, PsyD, will discuss the fundamentals of understanding gender diversity and how ADHD affects the journey. You’ll learn how to:

  • Understand the process of the gender journey, for the young person and their family members
  • Understand and use appropriate, thoughtful language
  • Manage your own reactions to the changes in children, teens, and young adults
  • Prepare for and engage in empathic, informed conversations about gender questioning and transitioning
  • Explore how to read your child’s behavior in relation to gender exploration and ADHD struggles
  • Watch for self-harming behaviors or other mental health concerns

Watch the webinar here!

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ADDitude Mag | Expert Webinar: Gender Diversity & Neurodiversity

Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity: How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender ADDitude Mag Expert Webinar with Sharon Saline, Psy.D. & Julie Mencher, MSW. [Video Replay & Podcast #350] “If every generation of youth finds a way to upend parents’ basic notions of the world, certainly gender is today’s arena for change. With children and teens increasingly declaring a gender different than their sex assigned at birth, and many teens responding to “they/them/their,” nothing short of a gender revolution is taking place. Parents are often left to play catch-up with their children and teens, who increasingly view gender as a spectrum, not a binary.” Click the logo below to learn more & access the video replay.

CHADD Webinar | Navigating College with ADHD: Preparing for Success!

Are you a current or future college student who isn’t sure how to make a strong transition to higher education? In this webinar, Dr. Sharon Saline, veteran psychologist and author of “What your ADHD child wishes you knew: Working together to empower kids for success in school and life” and “The ADHD Solution Card Deck” will help you figure out how to get what you need to set yourself up for success at college. She’ll show you how to discuss accommodations with professors, use the resources of the student services office and overcome anxiety about these conversations. You’ll leave with practical tools to manage your time, stay organized and keep motivated academically, personally and socially. Click the logo below to watch the video.