Author: artefact_admin

Do you feel like your child with ADHD has turned into a tech-obsessed stranger? If so, you are not alone. Many parents and caregivers are distraught and overwhelmed by the role that technology now plays in the lives of their children and teens. While you may sometimes want to throw the iPad, Chromebook, smartphone, etc. out of the window, I recommend that you take a deep breath and create a plan for a balanced media diet instead. The relationship between ADHD and technology can be positive, and a healthy balance will benefit your child and your family.

The acronym SCREENS can assist you with managing ADHD and technology:

Start with reasonable goals.

Collaborate on your technology plan.

Redirect to agreed-upon alternatives.

Expect pushback and decide in advance what to do.

Employ Easy on/Easy off technique.

Notice cooperation and nurture consistency.

Screens stay out of bedrooms at night.

Putting SCREENS to practice for ADHD and technology at home:

START with reasonable goals about media use right now.

During COVID, kids are on their technology more, plain and simple. But this doesn’t mean that they should have free rein over screen use in your family. What do you think is a reasonable daily amount of screen time? What do they think? If you are unsure, talk with your pediatrician or primary care provider for their advice on balancing ADHD and technology. The goal is balancing the high dopamine activities of online stimulation with lower dopamine periods to rebalance brain chemistry and settle down.

COLLABORATE on a plan about when and where screen time occurs.

All screen time is not equal: there’s a difference between TikTok, texting, Snapchat, gaming, surfing the net and watching television. Talk about these differences and how to equalize them. Then, find neutral ground between what your kids want and what you think is best. The bar may be lower now due to COVID, and that’s okay. Let them know it’s an evolving situation where things can change.

REDIRECT and be very clear about what qualifies as inappropriate use of technology.

Sexting, online bullying, visiting unsuitable sites, sneaking devices and being online at 2 a.m indicate a lack of respect about screen privileges. Discuss these differences and set up logical consequences for these type of behaviors. In addition, set up ways for your child to earn back your trust.

EXPECT PUSHBACK and you will not be surprised when it arises once again.

Your child or teen will not thank you for creating screen time as an earned privilege. In fact, they will most likely become angry and tell you that being online is their right. I don’t agree. Our children are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, love, healthcare, education and a secure environment. Screen time is not on this list. Instead, I see it as a ‘want-to” that follows the ‘have-to’s’ of life. Have a plan in place for this so you are prepared. Also, be sure to monitor your own screen use. Kids with ADHD can smell hypocrisy a mile away. They will howl if adults stay on their phone at dinner but the kids’ phones are relinquished for a quiet meal.

EMPLOY EASY ON/EASY OFF TECHNIQUE and think about the role that you want technology to play in your family.

Decide how much screen time (not for school) you want your child or teen to have daily. Have a conversation about how much they desire. Then, decide on a baseline amount and a bonus amount of time. Perhaps the baseline is one hour after homework is completed and another two hours for earned time. How kids EASE OFF baseline once it is completed determines if they earn some of the bonus time. You can also attach bonus time to completion of chores, lack of yelling or cursing, readiness for school, going to bed on time, etc. Any desired behavior should be linked to earned screen time. Write down your plan and post it in the kitchen so it can be referred to easily. 

NOTICE AND VALIDATE COOPERATION; managing ADHD and technology is not easy.

Notice and validate any cooperation your child offers and expect to adjust the plan along the way. Balancing ADHD and technology as a child or teen is really difficult! Pick a time for a short weekly family meeting to discuss the earned privileges plan (maybe give it a snappy name) and how it’s going. Expect to make adjustments, but do not do this in the middle of an escalation. Your child will exert many tactics to get you to back down. Stay steady!! Let them know that all changes can be discussed in the weekly meeting and that negotiation does not mean they will get what they want. A good compromise occurs when everybody is a bit unhappy with the agreement.

SCREENS STAY OUT OF BEDROOMS AT NIGHT to avoid sneaking and using technology at inappropriate times.

Our brains need a break from looking at a screen to integrate, regroup and rest. Middle-of-the night texting, gaming or watching YouTube videos disrupts kids’ sleep and makes for tired, cranky children. Set up a screen-free family time during the day (meals, chores, games, baking, sports, etc.). This will give kids a chance to connect with others and practice real time social skills. It will also foster closer relationships with you through conversation and activity.

Good luck, and remember that any change takes time, practice and patience to take hold!

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Read more blog posts:

• ADHD and Screen Sanity: Why a digital break is good for everybody right now
• Regulate Summer Screen Time for Your Child with ADHD and Yourself
• ADHD, Defiance and COVID: What can you do instead of yelling?

Learn more:

• From Screen Time to Safe Socializing: The Summer 2020 Guide for ADHD Families (Additude Magazine article by Dr. Saline)

https://drsharonsaline.com/product/managing-technology-families-video/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/online-learning-tips-for-parents-bundle/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/smartphones/ Read more about ADHD  

Many families living with ADHD feel bogged down right now. As the COVID winter drags on, remote/hybrid learning combined with parents’ professional responsibilities are beyond tiresome. Families are arguing more than they would like as everybody’s fed up and kids are often pushing back. Although we can see a light at the end of this long pandemic tunnel, we’re not there yet. What can you do today to ease the tension in your life and improve connections with your child or teen? Improving cooperation at home means starting with listening and observing what your kids are saying and showing you with their words and behaviors. Most kids with ADHD are well beyond their coping comfort zone. They’ve stretched and adapted to this year of online school, social distancing and peer isolation as much as they can. They’ve relied on screens for their education, their play and their socializing. Many are regressing in terms of self-reliant living skills and they are depending on you in ways they haven’t in a long time. They may well be acting out towards you because they can’t contain their anger, anxiety or frustration any longer. You are their safe harbor.  It’s so tough not to react in these explosive moments but self-Control and Compassion are what’s called for. As long as you import whatever negativity they are exporting and react strongly, your upset becomes their focus. They’ve succeeded in getting rid of their unmanageable emotions and can blame you for being unreasonable  instead. But this isn’t a healthy solution. Instead, manage yourself with whatever tools you can (breathing, using the bathroom, drinking some water) and use reflective listening to mirror what you hear them saying. Make sure you set ground rules with logical consequences (not punishments) for physical behaviors such as kicking, hitting or breaking things or using inappropriate language. Tell them, if you do X, you will not earn Y. Limits help kids understand that their choices affect others.  Once you are steadier, you can address your family’s current challenges. I’m hearing about three main themes from people: stress, negativity and boredom that lie at the core of many difficulties. Let’s look at each of them.

Stress:

Whether it’s food, job or housing insecurity, pressure from work or school demands, everybody has a shorter fuse these days. Some of the tension comes from having unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children based on how people performed previously. Many kids with and without ADHD have lost some of their coping skills. You can assist them by adjusting your expectations to the reality of the present situation. Whatever children and teens were able to accomplish in pre-COVID school and life may be very different from what they can do now.  If your child or teen is really struggling to attend classes and do the work, arrange a meeting with the school right away and talk about what types of support and alternative learning options are available. At home, have a family meeting about chores that includes when to do them and any supervision your child may need. Link their “have-to” tasks to their “want-to” activities and have them earn bonus screen time, family games or picking the take-out menu. Shift the bar and re-establish the bare minimum. You can always raise it again when the pandemic is over. 

Negativity: 

All of us continue to live with more worry and frustration than we are accustomed to. Kids feel confused, sometimes despairing, about what they’ve been missing and many have lost hope about the future. It’s difficult for ADHD brains, with their NOW/NOT NOW thinking, to see a better time ahead when the present feels miserable. We’re seeing higher levels of anxiety as ‘what if’ thoughts circulate in kids’ heads and they expect and exaggerate negative outcomes. With higher levels of anxiety, isolation and anger, we’re also observing more depression, particularly in teens, as they have moved on from disappointment to loss of hope or a sense of meaninglessness about their lives. Much as you would like to, it’s impossible to snap your fingers and make everything better. But you can help them shift their perspective. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, on their powerlessness to change things and in their isolation, you can work with them on controlling what they can. Forget about the ‘I should’s” and focus on what they actually CAN do. Talk about resilience fatigue, discuss what coping looks like and start a tradition of naming a high and low (or as one of my clients calls it ‘a happy and a crappy’) at dinner. You want to make small shifts from what isn’t working to paying attention to what is.

Boredom: 

We’ve all got this. Instead of aiming for happiness based on previous levels of activity, aim for satisfaction. Routines that foster predictability and organization are so important for kids, especially those with ADHD. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t shake things up a bit. Together, brainstorm a list of zany things to do:

• have breakfast for dinner once a week;
• make popcorn and have a mandatory family movie night;
• visit a local place you’ve never been and have wanted to check out;
• return to a favorite ice cream parlor that’s a car drive or bus ride away;
• host a short zoom dance party in your living room and let each family member pick a song;
• have an ongoing card game or puzzle.

Ask your friends for ideas of things they’ve been doing to break up the monotony. Make the effort to leave the house a few times a week, if not daily. Go outside to parks, trails or walking paths you’ve not visited before. Exercise with your kids so you all get moving. The fresh air, sunlight and nature will lift all of your spirits.

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Learn more:

• Read – 5 Self-Care Ideas: Parenting ADHD in a Pandemic
• Read – Beyond ADHD Pandemic Burnout: How to Help Your Family Regroup and Find Strength
• Read – ADHD and Anger in the Family: Manage Outbursts with STOP-THINK-ACT

Read more about ADHD

Divorce is so complicated. It can be tough on both kids and parents. For kids with ADHD who already struggle with organization, time management and transitions, going from one home to another can be disconcerting. They need their parent to establish and maintain consistency between the homes, whether that’s two sets of favorite toys or assistance packing their stuff. The most important thing for predicting a positive outcome for these children and teens is how well the divorcing parents can place their kids’ well-being over their own discord. This means that, despite whatever animosity or distance has led to the divorce, both adults consider what serves their youngsters in terms of their lives not just what works best for the parents. To that end, here are 3 suggestions.

Take the long view on adaptation:

Think about what will help your child or teen adjust to the new family arrangement. Getting used to different homes and shifting structure takes time and can be uncomfortable. Go slowly to help kids adjust to the massive changes in their lives. Be patient and expect pushback in terms of anger, anxiety or withdrawal. Instead of judging them or getting frustrated, acknowledge current challenges by saying something like “Of course you are struggling, we all are. That’s normal in this situation.” 

Create consistency:

Separate homes shouldn’t mean separate rules, responsibilities and routines. The more consistency there can be between thetwo homes, the better it is for the kids. Of course, you and your ex don’t have to do everything in the exact same way and you probably won’t. That’s one reason you’re not together. But be on the same page about the big stuff such as screen allowances, academic responsibilities and logical consequences for inappropriate behaviors.

Manage negativity towards the other parent:

This might be the toughest task but bad-talking the other parent to your child only creates unnecessary anger and resentment ultimately towards YOU. No child wants to be caught in the middle of any battles between their parents. Do your best to find someone else to complain to: a therapist, coach, good friend, sibling, cousin–anybody. You want to be able to show your child that you can support and celebrate them as a family at sporting events, graduations, performances, etc. in their lives. Take a deep breath–you’ve got this!

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Learn more:

• 5 Tips for Parenting Neurodiverse Kids on the Same Page

There are so many facets to kids with ADHD. Yes, they are creative, passionate, energetic and smart. Yes, they can also be distractible, impulsive, intense and strong-willed. And yes, COVID is making things that were previously challenging harder in many ways and also adding new hurdles. Because of this new stress, your child or teen might be more angry or pushing back at you more often. These situations, impacted by ADHD and defiance, deteriorate quickly. With all of the frustration, disappointment and isolation children and teens are feeling these days, it’s even harder to self-regulate. Your child may fly off the handle, disrespect you verbally or refuse to listen to what you have to say. What are your options in these volatile times, other than yelling, taking things away or banishing them from your sight? How can you maintain stability in your parent-child relationship and in your home?

Kids don’t like emotional explosions, either.

Nobody really likes meltdowns, explosions and arguments, regardless how defensive or nonchalant your child or teen may seem. Kids with ADHD have told me repeatedly that they feel bad about themselves after these outbursts and many parents also regret what they’ve said or done. But, in moments of high emotion, people naturally stop listening and quickly move into fight-flight-or-freeze mode. In this state, whether or not your struggle with ADHD and defiance, you’re not listening. Instead, you’re reacting, and rationality has flown out of the window.

Expect challenges with ADHD and defiant behavior so you’re prepared to manage them.

Instead of being surprised every time there’s defiance, explosive anger or disrespectful behavior, it’s more useful to expect that these will occur and rely on a strategy for when they do. It’s the resistance and the combativeness that wears families down.

Implement PAUSE to better manage ADHD and defiance at home.

PAUSE: Plan to Accept Understand Set Limits and Encourage

My PAUSE program lays the foundation for making different choices and fostering stability at home. Here’s how it works:

PLAN:

You’ve got to focus on making a plan to cope with the pattern of anger for yourself and your child rather than deal with its changing content. Otherwise, you’ll be playing Whack A Mole nonstop.

In a quiet moment, make a list of what you can easily do to stay grounded. If you are feeling dysregulated, you won’t be able to respond effectively and help your youngster calm down.

Whether it’s going to the bathroom to collect yourself for a few minutes, getting a glass of water or opening a window, break up the action in a non-threatening way. This re-centering needs to be your first, reflexive step to slow down the fast-paced action.

Once you’ve clarified this for yourself, sit with your child and ask them what helps them regroup. Then, ask them how much time they need for this. Write down their options, and post the list in their room or in the kitchen.

ACCEPT:

Stop trying to convince your child or teen of anything. Rather, accept where you both are in a given moment. Remember, they stopped listening the moment that they became activated. What they want is to be seen and heard by you.

Acknowledge what they are saying with reflective listening. “I heard you say this, is that right?” When they feel that you are paying attention, instead of correcting them for cursing at you or justifying why you called the school about their F in English, they will start to settle. It may be tense and uncomfortable, but you can do this. You’ve probably handled a lot of other unpleasant situations impacted by ADHD and defiance before. 

UNDERSTAND:

As tough as it can be, empathy is what’s called for when kids, especially those with ADHD, are distressed. Their feelings have overwhelmed their thinking brains. In addition, their weaker executive functioning skills simply cannot manage their heightened emotions. They are acting out because they lack the resources to do anything different in those moments. Neurodivergent kids need caring adults to dig deep and find some compassion rather than exploding about how they should get their act together.

When a child is resistant, oppositional or intransigent, many parents feel desperate to regain authority and establish stability by taking things away from their kids. While punishments may offer short-term relief, they don’t bring long-term success. Avoid saying things like, “I’m taking away your phone for 3 days. You can’t talk to me that way.” Turn it around and say, “You have not earned the privilege of using your phone with that language. When you can go for 3 days without cursing, you’ll get it back. That’s the agreement we have.” Relying on appropriate incentives is what shifts negativity to cooperation.

SET LIMITS:

Our goal is teaching kids with ADHD the executive functioning skills they need for self-regulation, socializing and productivity. It’s a natural part of living to become angry, to want to get your own way and to avoid disappointment. But it’s not okay to be aggressive about these. What we want is our kids to be motivated to make other choices.

Punishment doesn’t teach any lasting skills and rules with fear. Logical consequences, on the other hand, allow you to set limits and use meaningful incentives as motivators. Place “have-to’s” before “want-to’s.” The trick is staying steady in the face of your child or teen’s displeasure and following through. Limits are meaningless if they are not consistently followed. In a family meeting or a quiet moment, make collaborative agreements about actions and words that are unwelcome.

ENCOURAGE:

Once the storm has passed, focus on the present moment. What needs to happen NOW to move beyond its wreckage? You may want to address your underlying concerns and let them know how they have messed up. But will this serve them to learn the skills they need and strengthen your relationship? This is not a time to teach any lessons. The situation is still too raw for your child or teen, and such a conversation may trigger the outburst all over again.

They need encouragement rather than blame at this moment. Talk about the next move to get on with things. Then, later that day or some time tomorrow, casually wonder about the take-aways from what happened. Was there anything each of you regret? How would you like to deal with that type of behavior in the future? This opens conversation, explores options and fosters collaborative engagement. 

Managing ADHD and defiance will take time and patience.

Be patient with yourself and your family as you transition to this model. Everybody has a shorter fuse right now, so it may take longer to get this going. That’s okay. It’s one step at a time!

 

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Read more blog posts:

• ADHD and Negativity: Why ADHD kids and teens say “No” and how to help them communicate
• ADHD and Anger in the Family: Manage Outbursts with STOP-THINK-ACT
• Beyond ADHD Pandemic Burnout: How to Help Your Family Regroup and Find Strength

Watch on YouTube:

• ADHD and Oppositional Defiance (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• Anger Management with ADHD (ADDitude Mag Q&A with Dr. Saline)
• How to Get Your Teens to Open Up (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

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Do you ever notice how your heart races in similar ways when you’re anxious and when you’re excited? The energy courses through your body and brain, and you feel a type of exhilaration. Of course, it’s more negative for anxiety and more positive for excitement. In both cases, however, our adrenaline is activated because anxiety and excitement really are like two sides of the same coin. Managing both types of these intense, overwhelming reactions is especially taxing for kids with ADHD due to their challenges with impulse control and emotional regulation. How can you help transform anxiety in kids with ADHD into eager anticipation?

The human brain is wired for negative expectancy.

Negative expectancy has helped us survive for centuries, whether it’s avoiding tigers in the jungle or mastering the art of riding a bicycle. We make mistakes or encounter challenges and learn to adapt, accommodate and overcome. This ability to persist and bounce back is the antidote to anxiety and the foundation of excitement. Anxiety weakens confidence and courage by feeding doubt. Kids don’t believe that things will work out. Based on previous struggles, they expect the worst.

Excitement reflects optimism–hope that something good is going to happen.

Kids are excited for things they look forward to, believe they will enjoy or think they can accomplish. Nervousness can be a precursor to excitement: once a child or teen has learned the skill associated with a new task or situation, they shift from insecurity to anticipation.

With a history of impulsive or distracted behaviors, school difficulties and social challenges, many of your sons and daughters are afraid to hold a positive outlook when faced with something unexpected or different. They’re insecure that they possess the coping skills to successfully meet the novel demands they encounter. They need you to remind them of previous situations when they took a chance, stuck with something hard and succeeded. Working memory challenges for the ADHD brain make this recall particularly difficult in the face of strong negative emotions. 

While many fears justify anxiety in kids with ADHD, others may not.

Sometimes it’s a simple act of changing the language that we use to describe our experiences that encourages an alternative perspective. This may sound trite, but our narratives really frame our actions and outlooks. We want to help kids with ADHD shift away from anxiety that globalizes fear and uncertainty. Instead, we want to move them towards a framework of improving inadequate skills. This fosters a growth mindset and helps them pivot towards excitement.

Help kids with ADHD identify feelings of anxiety

What would it be like to assist your child in noticing the energy they are feeling when they feel nervous or worried? Observe what you see happening with neutral statements like “I see that your voice is getting louder and your face is flushed. Tell me about your concerns.” In addition, ask them about the flip side of the anxiety: “What would it be like if you were excited instead of afraid? What is something you could do differently or what other options can we discuss that might make this situation turn out better than expected?” Every small win, every small shift to a positive perception, is a success.

As we embrace 2021, following a year of many challenges and much anxiety, I encourage you to commit your family to take a small step towards a new perspective. When someone expresses worry about something where a pivot is possible, investigate the energy, name it and see what happens. Standing at this crossroads, travel down the path of excitement for an alternative.

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Read more blog posts:

• Return to School with ADHD: Tips on Helping Anxious Kids Transition Smoothly
• 6 Helpful Tips for Dealing with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
• Raising teens with ADHD: Redefining what ‘success’ means

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In October, the American Psychological Association released the results of its latest Stress in America survey. The report concluded that stress about COVID-19, the economy, racism and politics are threatening the mental health of our country, especially young people. In fact, the survey found that Generation Z students ages 13-17(81%) reported a negative impact on their lives from pandemic-related school changes and 51% said that planning for their future felt impossible. If we add to these results the daily stress that neurodivergent students with ADHD already face with remote/hybrid learning, it’s easy to understand why they are overwhelmed, discouraged and fed up. How can we help manage ADHD and motivation in these unprecedented times?

Challenges with ADHD and motivation for kids and teens

Kids and teens with ADHD have trouble regulating their attention. When they are stressed, it’s even harder to concentrate. Flooded by emotions that they can’t process or break down, their brains resort to fight, flight or freeze mode. Distractibility increases and cooperation goes down while procrastination rules the day.

You’ll see more angry outbursts from your child or teen, bouts of irrational anxiety and flashes of hopelessness and helplessness. As a parent, it’s tough to know what to do that’s helpful in these moments. Threats and punishment may get the job done temporarily, but they fail in the long run. They simply don’t teach the lasting skills about motivation that your student really needs. What can you do instead?

Nothing positive can occur when kids are in the middle of a stress reaction. Yes, they need to start their math worksheet, study for the science test or write that history paper. But, in those moments, no clear thinking occurs. Slow things down and do something different. STOP the action.

What’s most important is that your son or daughter feels listened to and cared for. Feeling heard reduces their stress reaction and the isolation that they feel. Once they are calmer, then you can brainstorm how to approach the task at hand. This is how we motivate kids when they are stuck. We honor their struggle and gently shift their direction.

Reduce stress and help kids with ADHD with motivation by using the 3 R’s: reflect, reassess and recalculate.

1. Reflection:

Listen to what your son or daughter is showing you with their behavior and their words. Rather than interpreting or solving problems, just reflect back what you hear and ask if there’s anything more they want to say. Empathize with their struggle. Believe me, they would rather not procrastinate. Many kids who struggle with ADHD and motivation tell me that they hate this cycle and feel defeated but don’t know how to break out of it.

2. Reassess:

Talk through what’s going on and what realistic options look like. Anxiety and depression related to stress distort our thinking and exaggerate negativity. Concentrate on what is really happening here? The calmer you can be, the easier it will be for your child or teen to collect themselves. There are three types of procrastination:

• • • • • Perfectionism (“If I can’t get do it just right, why bother?”)
        • Avoidance (“I hate doing this, it seems like I’ll never finish so I’m not going to try.”)
        • Productive (“I’ll do other stuff that needs to get done but not the main thing because it seems overwhelming or impossible.”)

Which one is your child engaging in and why?

3. Recalculate:

Like your GPS, your student needs to pivot and go another way. How can you assist them in breaking down the task into smaller, more manageable parts? The key to getting started when you have ADHD and motivation challenges is feeling like you can do something and there is an end in sight. What is the bare minimum that your child or teen can do right now? Perhaps you need to reset the threshold today, email the teacher and strategize new options tomorrow. 

Use meaningful incentives to teach your son or daughter that effort leads to satisfying accomplishment. Incentives change the conversation from “I can’t” to “Let’s try a small step and earn a desired reward.” This extrinsic motivator helps kids get going until the intrinsic motivation system kicks in–by the late teens or early twenties in neurotypical kids with, as much as a three year delay in young people with ADHD. 

Over time, your child will learn to put the have-to’s in front of the want-to’s but this lesson takes patience, practice, scaffolding and collaboration. Work together to determine incentives and then stick with whatever you agreed to. When you are faced with that inevitable pushback from your son or daughter, remember that kids freak out when they feel overwhelmed because they lack appropriate coping skills to deal with challenges they are facing. Take a deep breath and meet them where they are, offering love and support for the scary place they are in.

Source: Stress in America 2020 survey signals a growing national mental health crisis. (n.d.). Retrieved December 08, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2020/10/stress-mental-health-crisis.

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Read more blog posts:

• Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect
• Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
• 5 Tips to Uplevel Your Spring Cleaning and Decluttering

Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:

• • Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
  • Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
  • Kids Feeling Bogged Down? Here are 4 Tips to Boost Motivation (WWLP 22 News interview with Dr. Saline)

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