Author: Lisa Fernandez

Help! My Teen is So Unmotivated This Summer!

Teens experience a few types of academic burnout depending on their individual situations. For neurotypical kids, academic burnout usually arises towards the end of the semester when they are burdened with final tests, projects and paper in addition to their other commitments such as sports, music or theater or work. For high-achieving kids who are taking AP classes, preparing for AP tests can add to their stress. For juniors in high school who additionally have to take the SAT’s or ACT’s for college, it can be overwhelming. They can become exhausted with how much they have to do.

Neurotypical Kids:

As a parent of these types of teens, your primary job is helping them maintain balance and perspective in their lives. Work with them to create a study/life schedule that allows for some down time each day. Don’t orchestrate what they should do during that time though. Instead brainstorm some healthy options other than screens such as cooking, walking the dog, going for a run, listening to music or even watching a single show with you. If they want to mess around on their phone a bit to “chill”, keep it (like tv) time limited. Teen brains especially need some non-screen to decompress and integrate all of the information they are learning and processing during the day.

Neurodiverse Kids:

For kids with ADHD, learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorders, burnout  can occur more frequently and more intensely. Working hard to hold it together at school all day takes a lot of effort and concentration for these teens. They spend a lot of their time doing academic tasks that are hard, boring or unpleasant. By mid-semester, their efforts may not be panning out as they had hoped and they become discouraged and uninterested in doing the work.

While the recommendations above for neurotypical kids apply equally to these teens, teens who are outside-the-box thinkers benefit from additional parental support in creating shorter work periods with timed breaks, specific tasks to accomplish in those work periods and acknowledgement of their efforts towards working towards goals, even if they are not fully met. This validation encourages them to keep going. Family work time, when parents and kids work side-by-side on their stuff, also helps teens stay on track because adults can monitor them without being intrusive.

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What’s a Normal Level of Anxiety?

Stress and anxiety are connected but also different. Stress is related to feeling overwhelmed and incapable of managing the things that you have to do. Productive stress motivates you to get stuff done; poisonous stress contributes to worry and anxiety. You can’t get things accomplished to feel a sense of satisfaction. Stress can also be related to life circumstances such as poverty, illness and racism that cause you distress but have not clear resolution in sight.

Anxiety is a natural physiological and psychological response related to fears and worries. Panic, irrational thinking, reactivity, increased heart rate, perspiration, shortness of breath or insomnia are all signs of anxiety. Anxiety is about safety and security. Anxiety arises because people want to make uncomfortable feelings and uncertainty go away immediately–whether these concerns are based in reality or distorted and based on negative expectancy. Anxiety disorders often have a negative impact on several areas of someone’s functioning simultaneously.

It’s common for people to experience some type of anxiety seen as worry, dread, fear or distress. Some nervousness in a new situation or worry about chronic stress is expected. If these concerns fail to go away once you’ve learned how to manage the worry or stress and you experience persistent anxiety that is interfering with daily living, healthy choices, mood stability, or functioning at work, anxiety has become problematic and needs treatment. If your anxiety is higher than normal, first consult with your doctor to rule out any medical causes. Then, you’ve got to learn some tools to manage it. Meditation, yoga, daily exercise, therapy and medication can be extremely useful in reducing anxiety. You’ll benefit from learning how to soothe yourself and confront anxious, distorted thoughts to reduce their intensity. Don’t try to remove anxiety from your life: it doesn’t work because we need some anxiety to function, protect and aid us in dangerous or challenging situations. Instead, focus on anxiety reduction so that you feel like you have more control over it. The goal is teaching yourself how to manage the volume button on your anxiety rather than having blast you at full volume with its fears and worries.

Read more about Anxiety, depression and more

Parenting Adult Children is Complicated

When young adults have lived independently, they are accustomed to making their own schedules and sleeping, eating, studying and socializing according to their own rhythm. In general,  they’re not that interested in free advice about what they could be doing better or differently. Instead, they want to be respected for the autonomy that they’ve developed and be seen in their developing maturity.

Coexisting peacefully means realizing that your job is to support them more than guide them. They need collaboration and compassion: their lives have been turned upside down and they’ve likely lost many events, activities and plans which really mattered to them. They want to have a sense of their independence by making whatever choices they can in their newly limited lives. Many young adults right now are both anxious and depressed. As parents, we’ve got to remember that they are more fragile than they’ve been.

It’s reasonable to establish ground rules that reflect creating a civil, honest and safe environment for your home. Take about how to share chores, respect each other’s boundaries and work together to solve issues. Make a list of who’s doing what and post it in the kitchen. Create a plan for what to do when people aren’t following through. By strategizing for success and setting up clear plans for daily living, you’ll reduce the frequency of any conflicts which will naturally arise during this time.

If your adult child is behaving irresponsibly (sleeping all day and up all night, not following social distancing recommendations or abusing substances), talk with them about their stated goals for themselves and their view on how they are progressing towards them. Offer neutral observations about their behaviors, ask them how you can help and consider assisting them with making online appointments with their physician, finding a therapist or following a daily routine that includes exercise. Ask questions and listen to their responses, reflecting back what you hear them say and without judging or dismissing their opinions.

Read more about Parenting and Families

Prepare Now to Transition to In-Person School

Online Schooling has relieved anxiety for some –

Learning from home has been a pleasant relief for many students who struggle socially at school or have extreme anxiety. The various triggers that going to school presents for them have been eliminated. Online school offers limited peer and adult contact with less pressure to perform in casual conversations. Plus, kids are able to regulate their connections with others–who, what, where and how–which further reduces social anxiety.

Transitioning to In-Person School –

When thinking about transitioning to in-person school, parents of kids who have been thriving at home need to consider this issue of control. Many kids who struggle socially feel forced to interact with peers or adults on terms that don’t work for them and at times that are more frequent than they would otherwise choose. They will feel heightened anxiety by the prospect of having to endure or perform in these situations again. As parents, you have to help them remember other times of success in their lives–times when they were able to overcome their nervousness and do something anyway. Anxiety creates amnesia about these successes so we’ve got to bring them into awareness. Brainstorm or review with your son or daughter previous experiences and how they can apply those skills to the current situation. Write these down so you can refer to them in the future.

Role-Play Now –

Practice a few phrases that your child or teen can say in common interactions with peers. Talk about their primary concerns and brainstorm responses. For example, if they are feeling overwhelmed to respond and don’t know how, identify a sentence or two they can use such as “I’m not sure. Let me think about it and get back to you.” Role-plays are very helpful for learning what to say, remembering those words and building confidence. The more general the response, the easier it will be for them to recall and use the phrases. Sometimes kids can overfocus on what to say exactly and when to say it. We want to give them a tool that’s appropriate in several situations so they don’t feel more anxiety about remembering which sentence they need to use.

Read more tips about reducing anxiety

Stressed Out and Overwhelmed: Managing Family Life During the COVID Crisis

FREE WEBINAR with Seth Perler and Dr. Sharon Saline May 6, 2020  8 pm EST Burned out on COVID-19?! We get it. Who would’ve thought that the world would change so dramatically? Schedules? What schedules? Kids are staying up late, sleeping to all hours, chores have gone by the wayside, parents are snippy with each other and the kids, and visa versa. Even the dog is unsure of what’s going on! Seth Perler, executive function and 2e coach and Sharon Saline, clinical psychologist, team up together to share the valuable insights they’ve gained during this pandemic. No crafts or meal-planning suggestions here, nor 5 simple steps to stay ahead of the school schedule. Instead, you’ll find in-the-trenches, boots-on-the-ground advice to take back the joy this pandemic has robbed your family of! We’re here to help you through the burn-out phase!

Register Here

Stressed out and overwhelmed: Managing family life during the COVID crisis In this 45 minute free webinar, with extended time for your questions, we’ll provide actionable advice on how to keep the peace and ensure fond, lasting memories once this pandemic is over. Themes we’ll discuss:

  • Stay connected: Prioritize the health of your relationships–to your kids, your partner and yourself.
    • Identify your feelings first – This is hard on you too. Accept your anxious feelings so you can meet your children and teens where they are.
    • Learn how to foster attunement and compassion – These skills are vital to maintaining secure parent-child attachments.
    • Empower yourself with the tools to deal with what’s coming at you – Learn how to be allies in creating good sleep, diet, exercise and meaningful contact with friends and family.
  • Manage ourselves first: Everyone has stress and concerns right now, but our own distress and anxiety must be managed first before we intervene with our children. otherwise, we can’t access our better selves in moments of upset and frustration.
    • Identify the bodily signs when your nervous system is becoming activated.
    • Learn effective, quick methods to self-regulate.
    • Own your feelings and be accountable: It’s okay to be upset but it’s not great to blow up about something or blame others and not take responsibility for it.
  • Reduce family reactivity: Acting out behaviors are messages that kids are overwhelmed and lack adequate coping skills
    • Understand your own patterns of dysregulation
    • Make different choices
    • Model alternative behaviors for your kids.
    • Improve how everybody interacts with each other.
    • Help your kids identify their body’s warning signs that they are triggered.
    • Create a plan for dealing with these inevitable moments when you are all calm that you can use later.
    • Be conscious of revving and call for a pause in the action.
    • Don’t judge and criticize others’ feelings, hold the space to let things be.
    • Use I statements, mirroring, reflective listening.
    • Put down electronics and pay attention.
  • Plan for work time and play periods:
    • Create a daily schedule that suits people’s needs and abilities.
    • Plan for quality time as much as study time.
    • Engage in family work time with planned breaks, distinct study periods and access to support.
    • Use incentives that matter to kids to improve their participation and buy-in.
    • Make sure you have daily fun time: have a daily activity that isn’t related to serious things such as playing board games, throwing a frisbee, shooting some hoops, riding a bike, baking, making music, etc.
    • Limit screens: screen-free dinners, digital sundowns, devices live in parents’ rooms.

Register Here

Coronavirus Anxiety

Q: What is situational anxiety? A: Situational anxiety occurs when someone is worried about certain environments or events and what will happen in these contexts. When people suffer from situational anxiety, they feel frightened by and unclear about how to manage the circumstances that concern them. Sometimes they may exaggerate perceived negative outcomes as well. Q: What are some of the most common fears, anxious thoughts individuals are having in response
to coronavirus? A: In terms of coronavirus, common fears revolve around infection, lack of treatment and untimely death. People are anxious about how to protect themselves and their loved ones from contamination and not knowing what to do to ensure their safety increases their worries. Inadequate or incorrect information from the government worsens their fears. Q: What are the best ways to manage your
anxiety, particularly in relation to COVID-19?   A: It’s not easy to manage your anxiety about COVID-19 but you can start by learning about the facts of the virus and practical tools for managing infection in your home and community. Follow the CDC recommendations about hand washing, avoiding touching your face and other factors related to spreading germs. Repeat key points of this information to yourself when your anxiety rears its ugly head. You want to reassure yourself about the things you can actually do to promote and protect your well-being instead of the risks you can’t control that feed your fears. Read more about how to manage anxiety

Kids and Mental Health Days

Mental health days can be very beneficial to kids for a much-needed break from the stress of school, particularly with kids who have ADHD, learning disabilities or high functioning ASD for whom school can be their hardest area of functioning.

When kids are particularly overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and fed up with school, a planned day off can be very helpful. These are days for rest, recovery and regrouping. Perhaps some time outside is in order: a walk, hike, or doing something athletic with you. Or maybe it’s a day with you a day in pajamas with limited screen time, playing board games, creating art projects, baking, reading or making music. I’ve worked with a number of kids with ADHD, LD or ASD who needed a break from the social and academic demands every 6-8 weeks. School was emotionally and physically draining for them. For adolescents who face increasing pressure to excel at everything, having a planned day off can be a lifesaver. Other kids benefit from a general agreement that they can have X number of days off per semester and you can choose these on an emergency basis (e.g. “I can’t take it anymore. I need a break”) or with certain dates set in mind. If a child doesn’t seem to rebound after this day and their symptoms of anxiety, sadness, depression or social difficulties persist, then I highly recommend finding a therapist to assist you in figuring out what is going on.

To be honest, I used mental health days with my daughter when she was a teenager. About twice a semester, she would hit a wall: she needed sleep and some down time to get her head back in the game.  So, we periodically gave her a “Sick-and-Tired” day off from school. It wasn’t planned but we had agreed as a family in advance that she could have 2 such days per semester. It was a successful collaboration: she felt that she got the mental health day she needed and we saw a positive difference when she returned to school.

Read more about the habits that hurt mental health

Habits that Hurt Mental Health

I see a few major habits in my clients that hurt their mental health more than help them.

  1. Spending too much time on social media: Social media not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice but it also is built to so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” People feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives which interrupts their  ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self.

  2. Eating fast food on the run instead of preparing healthy meals and sitting down to eat them: We are so much of what we eat and we eat non-nutrutious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Sharing a meal is not only good for our physiology but it also provides an opportunity to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorbe the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives.

  3. Having arguments via texting or emailing: You can’t take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive this way, there’s no way for you see how your words affected the other person or perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. People need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for work and life situations where they have to deal with others.

Impact of Watching Scary Shows

Stranger Things is back on Thursdays.
Should you let your child watch it or other scary shows?
How to judge if they are ready.

Watching anything scary on television or at the movies before a child is cognitively, psychologically and emotionally ready to understand and process the visual information can lead to increased fears, phobias and nightmares. Adult themes, violence, inexplicable events and cruelty are simply not appropriate for many kids.

It’s important that parents examine why they are allowing their children to watch such shows and if their kids are really ready for it. Kids will show by their behavior, words and facial expressions how they respond to information that is overwhelming them and unpleasant to watch.

If kids need to verbally discuss the themes for reassurance about their safety and the fabricated nature of the show, then they aren’t ready for it. I personally think there is NO rush to expose kids to frightening shows. Kids today are more anxious than ever so why exacerbate the possibility for unnecessary worries.

The Benefits of Experiential Gifting

Black Friday, Cyber Monday Alternatives

People Over Stuff! Giving experiences benefits people in several ways.

First, you are offering them something unique that will provide them with lasting memories. Perhaps it’s an experience they’ve wanted to do but not been able or willing to arrange for themselves. You are showing your caring support by both noticing this desire and making it happen.

Secondly, experiences offer people opportunities to stretch themselves in ways that objects may not. By giving an experience, you are offering someone the opportunity to go beyond their comfort zone with the encouragement of a kind friend.

Thirdly, if you join them on the activity, that might be even more fun. You’re demonstrating how the two of you can engage in something meaningful together. This deepens relationships and fosters closeness.

Finally, experiences can alter both someone’s perspective about themselves and about the world around. When you engage in an activity, you are participating and this action-oriented gift have a rippled effect in ways you can’t necessarily see.

Read about Great Holiday Gift Ideas for Kids with ADHD Shop for “The Gifts That Keep Giving” at the Dr. Sharon Saline Family Support Store