Author: Lisa Fernandez

FREE WEBINAR with Seth Perler and Dr. Sharon Saline May 6, 2020  8 pm EST Burned out on COVID-19?! We get it. Who would’ve thought that the world would change so dramatically? Schedules? What schedules? Kids are staying up late, sleeping to all hours, chores have gone by the wayside, parents are snippy with each other and the kids, and visa versa. Even the dog is unsure of what’s going on! Seth Perler, executive function and 2e coach and Sharon Saline, clinical psychologist, team up together to share the valuable insights they’ve gained during this pandemic. No crafts or meal-planning suggestions here, nor 5 simple steps to stay ahead of the school schedule. Instead, you’ll find in-the-trenches, boots-on-the-ground advice to take back the joy this pandemic has robbed your family of! We’re here to help you through the burn-out phase!

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Stressed out and overwhelmed: Managing family life during the COVID crisis In this 45 minute free webinar, with extended time for your questions, we’ll provide actionable advice on how to keep the peace and ensure fond, lasting memories once this pandemic is over. Themes we’ll discuss:

• Stay connected: Prioritize the health of your relationships–to your kids, your partner and yourself.

• • Identify your feelings first – This is hard on you too. Accept your anxious feelings so you can meet your children and teens where they are.
  • Learn how to foster attunement and compassion – These skills are vital to maintaining secure parent-child attachments.
  • Empower yourself with the tools to deal with what’s coming at you – Learn how to be allies in creating good sleep, diet, exercise and meaningful contact with friends and family.

• Manage ourselves first: Everyone has stress and concerns right now, but our own distress and anxiety must be managed first before we intervene with our children. otherwise, we can’t access our better selves in moments of upset and frustration.

• • Identify the bodily signs when your nervous system is becoming activated.
  • Learn effective, quick methods to self-regulate.
  • Own your feelings and be accountable: It’s okay to be upset but it’s not great to blow up about something or blame others and not take responsibility for it.

• Reduce family reactivity: Acting out behaviors are messages that kids are overwhelmed and lack adequate coping skills

• • Understand your own patterns of dysregulation
  • Make different choices
  • Model alternative behaviors for your kids.
  • Improve how everybody interacts with each other.
  • Help your kids identify their body’s warning signs that they are triggered.
  • Create a plan for dealing with these inevitable moments when you are all calm that you can use later.
  • Be conscious of revving and call for a pause in the action.
  • Don’t judge and criticize others’ feelings, hold the space to let things be.
  • Use I statements, mirroring, reflective listening.
  • Put down electronics and pay attention.

• Plan for work time and play periods:

• • Create a daily schedule that suits people’s needs and abilities.
  • Plan for quality time as much as study time.
  • Engage in family work time with planned breaks, distinct study periods and access to support.
  • Use incentives that matter to kids to improve their participation and buy-in.
  • Make sure you have daily fun time: have a daily activity that isn’t related to serious things such as playing board games, throwing a frisbee, shooting some hoops, riding a bike, baking, making music, etc.
  • Limit screens: screen-free dinners, digital sundowns, devices live in parents’ rooms.

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Q: What is situational anxiety? A: Situational anxiety occurs when someone is worried about certain environments or events and what will happen in these contexts. When people suffer from situational anxiety, they feel frightened by and unclear about how to manage the circumstances that concern them. Sometimes they may exaggerate perceived negative outcomes as well. Q: What are some of the most common fears, anxious thoughts individuals are having in response
to coronavirus? A: In terms of coronavirus, common fears revolve around infection, lack of treatment and untimely death. People are anxious about how to protect themselves and their loved ones from contamination and not knowing what to do to ensure their safety increases their worries. Inadequate or incorrect information from the government worsens their fears. Q: What are the best ways to manage your
anxiety, particularly in relation to COVID-19?   A: It’s not easy to manage your anxiety about COVID-19 but you can start by learning about the facts of the virus and practical tools for managing infection in your home and community. Follow the CDC recommendations about hand washing, avoiding touching your face and other factors related to spreading germs. Repeat key points of this information to yourself when your anxiety rears its ugly head. You want to reassure yourself about the things you can actually do to promote and protect your well-being instead of the risks you can’t control that feed your fears. Read more about how to manage anxiety

I see a few major habits in my clients that hurt their mental health more than help them.

1. Spending too much time on social media: Social media not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice but it also is built to so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” People feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives which interrupts their  ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self.

2. Eating fast food on the run instead of preparing healthy meals and sitting down to eat them: We are so much of what we eat and we eat non-nutrutious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Sharing a meal is not only good for our physiology but it also provides an opportunity to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorbe the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives.

3. Having arguments via texting or emailing: You can’t take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive this way, there’s no way for you see how your words affected the other person or perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. People need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for work and life situations where they have to deal with others.

Panic attacks are best managed by having a concrete set of steps to follow that you’ve figured out beforehand. When you can identify the triggers and notice the warning signs, you can ground yourself more effectively and won’t be thrown off course as much. In a calm moment, think about what internal changes signal that you are feeling panicked and write these down.  Increased heart-rate, shortness of breath, perspiration, knot in the stomach are common signs that anxiety is rising.

Next, create a list of the following tools and put it on your phone, computer or post-its so you can easily refer to it.

1. Breathing exercises: Alternate nostril yoga breathing calms you down quickly. Put your index finger on your right nostril: breathe in and out of your left nostril. Now switch and breathe in and out of your right nostril. Do this on both sides until you start to settle down. It might be as many as 10-20 times.
2. Make a playlist of songs that you love, soothe you or just make you smile. Give the playlist a fun title like “Cooling down tunes.”
3. Change your environment: If you are inside, go to a different room or step outside. Notice what’s happening around you as you are inhaling in for 4 counts and exhaling for 4 counts. 
4. Go to the bathroom and wash your face and hands. Tell yourself something encouraging such as: “You’ve got this.” “This has happened before and you’ve survived.” “It’s just your fears trying to run the show. Slow down so you can calm down.” 

Read More about Anxiety Purchase handout: You Can’t Stop Anxiety. You Change Your Relationship with It

What people get wrong about depression:

1. You could make it go away if you tried harder.
2. An incident must have happened to make you depressed. Otherwise you wouldn’t be sad.
3. If you practiced more gratitude, you’d feel better.
4. Anxiety and depression are unrelated.

Depression is not a matter of will. People who are depressed would strongly prefer not to feel this way. Depression is usually a combination of several factors: biological, environmental and psychological. People may be biologically pre-disposed (it runs in their family) or their brains lack sufficient neurotransmitters (Serotonin, Dopamine, Norepinephrine) to help them regulate their mood. They may have persistent stressors in their lives which don’t resolve (poverty, trauma, unhappy home or work situations). They may suffer from low self-esteem and lack confidence. While a single event can lead to feeling depressed (loss of a loved one, prolonged unemployment, etc), some people simply become depressed without a ‘cause.’

When you’re struggling with depression, you often don’t see any options for yourself and the depression itself prevents you from seeking assistance from others, including therapy or medication. It can be hard to manage daily living, take care of yourself or appreciate anything. Changing your perspective on things would be great but usually it’s out of reach because everything seems difficult and dark. Sure, more gratitude is always a good thing but a depressed person has to start noticing a few positives in their lives first. They’ve lost a sense of agency and getting back is a top priority.

Untreated anxiety has been found to lead to depression. When people feel worried and powerless over time, they can develop an anxious depression.  They’re preoccupied with things that might go wrong or they can’t control and feel discouraged about their alternatives. It can be overwhelming to act on anything.

More Resources: Why do I cry so easily Anxiety and other conditions Handout: Anxiety

I see a few major habits in my clients that hurt their mental health more than help them.

1. Spending too much time on social media: Social media not only seems to suck up time faster than you notice but it also is built to so that people compare themselves to others. These comparisons are rarely favorable and people walk away with not feeling positive about themselves. As one adolescent girl told me, “No one ever posts pictures of their face mid-menstrual break-out or of their bombed test grade.” People feel pressured to keep up with friends, stay in touch and maintain an image that they’ve created. This creates more stress in their lives which interrupts their  ability to reflect on themselves, what they think and create a sturdy sense of self. 
2. Eating fast food on the run instead of preparing healthy meals and sitting down to eat them: We are so much of what we eat and we eat non-nutritious food quickly, we’re not providing our brains or bodies with the appropriate fuel needed to think and function well. Sharing a meal is not only good for our physiology but it also provides an opportunity to connect with people face-to-face and talk about our lives. During a sit down meal, our bodies slow down and properly digest our food so we can absorb the nutrients and simultaneously take a much-needed break from the chaos of our lives.
3. Having arguments via texting or emailing: You can’t take an emotional weather report via electronic communication. If you say something difficult or sensitive this way, there’s no way for you see how your words affected the other person or perceive whatever feelings are brewing inside them. It’s easier to disengage and avoid accountability for your words and actions. People need to learn and practice interactional skills not only for healthy personal relationships but also for work and life situations where they have to deal with others.