“If you are tired of feeling so much stress in your life, the start of a new year and pressures to create resolutions may only add more tension. These promises for a “better” 2022 often fail because people with ADHD aim for too much change, set unrealistic expectations about performance, and struggle with how to follow through on their goals. Instead of helping, your goals end up being frustrating: They demonstrate yet another way that you can’t measure up and simply add more tension to your days.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
“From cutting-edge clinical research to features on mental health during the pandemic to a deep dive on social media’s impact on ADHD brains — ADDitude published no shortage of thought-provoking and insightful articles this year. Below, click through to the most riveting reads from 2021, selected by our ADDitude editors.”
Tools to turn down the noise of self-criticism and feel “good enough” every day.
“Do you set unrealistic goals for yourself, fret about disappointing others, and compare yourself negatively to those around you? If so, you are probably like many other people with ADHD who struggle with perfectionism. At times, you may want something to be right so much that it becomes difficult to start tasks, assignments, and projects, and complete them. In other moments, the desire to do something well motivates you to give your best efforts and helps you feel proud of your work.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
As the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it’s also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. How can you create experience that is fun, rewarding and calmer for you, your neurodiverse family? Get ready for simplifying this holiday season.
1. Simplifying the holiday lists, errands and tasks
Start with a mindset of “SIMPLIFY, not COMPLEX-IFY.” Usually the holiday overwhelm comes from one or both of two main sources: (1) leaving things until the last minute and (2) trying to do too much.Let’s face it—EVERYTHING takes longer than we think it will. If you start planning your tasks with that mentality, and give yourself more time to do things, the process will go much more smoothly.
Strategies for simplifying holiday tasks:
1. Shorten lists and outings
Make a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.
2. Teach while you lead
Teach your kids with ADHD to practice simplifying, too. Help your kids learn shopping strategies by explaining what, why and how you are doing things when you go out together to run errands.
3. Take breaks to rest and re-connect
Schedule in a break for hot chocolate or tea to break up the trip. It will encourage you and your family to reset between one stimulating environment and the next. Check-in with yourself and each other to see how you’re feeling and if you’re ready for the next stop.
4. Acknowledge your accomplishments
Sometimes we’re so overwhelmed with what we know we still have to do, we forget about how much we’ve already accomplished. Be sure to cross things off your (shortened) lists when they are completed. You can do this yourself, or ask your kids to assist you. It’s easier to see and remember your accomplishments this way.
2. Reducing the number of social engagements
The holiday season is usually jammed packed with things to do, people to see, and places to go. As parents, we have to take into consideration how much our ADHD children and teens can actually tolerate, process and enjoy. Sometimes you have to curb your own desire and capacity to do several things in a day in order to help regulate what your kids can really manage.Part of the holiday stress for ADHD kids and families comes from having too many of these activities in a row and not enough ‘down time’ to process them. When your ADHD daughter has a meltdown at 6 p.m. because she doesn’t like the mac and cheese, it probably has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with unloading steam from holding it together for so long throughout the day. Simplifying the holiday tasks will help, but you also have to consider how many gatherings and social engagements are truly necessary for a happy holiday season.
How to cut down on the ‘squeeze it all in’ mentality–together:
1. Sit down with your family, and decide how many activities in a day you each can really handle this holiday season.
2. Talk about what constitutes ”down time’ for each person, and make sure it includes something that is settling rather than stimulating. Limit individual technology use, and encourage quiet activities, such as playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe watch your favorite family holiday movie. Write down these ideas and post them on the refrigerator so people can refer to them when they are most needed.
Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you and your family!
“Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a buzz phrase in the ADHD world. Is it a thing? Not a thing? And what does the pink elephant paradox have to do with it? In this show, ADHD Coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline on the topic. The two will have an open counterpoint conversation to bring context to the topic, provide an understanding of the role labels have in managing challenges, and discuss the issue from two perspectives – an ADHD coach and a psychologist. If the phrase “rejection sensitive dysphoria” calls you, don’t miss this insightful show.” Click play below to listen to the interview, or listen at AttentionTalkRadio.com.
“Got ADHD? Are you a perfectionist? Have you ever thought about what it is to be a perfectionist and if you are how to deal with it? In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com) to get her perspective on perfectionism and ADHD. We’ll talk with her to better understand if perfectionism is an obstacle or if it’s motivation and how to manage it with intent. If you’ve got ADHD and struggle with perfectionism, this is a show that will help you break it down into components to manage it to your benefit. Tune in for insights.” Click play below to listen to the interview, or listen at AttentionTalkRadio.com.
“Self-compassion allows you to be good enough as you are, with your warts, with your foibles, sometimes off-balanced, sometimes more reactive than you’d like, sometimes disorganized, but fundamentally perfectly imperfect as a human being, just like everyone else.”
Dr. Saline’s article “You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism” was featured in The Normangee Star Newspaper! It’s featured in Volume 109, No.42, page 5, on October 27, 2021. Read the article,originally published by ADDitude Magazine.Subscribe to The Normangee Star Newspaper Serving Normangee, Hilltop Lakes and Surrounding Communities in Leon and Madison Counties of Texas since 1912.
Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests and relationships. The Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) states that approximately 15 million adults in the U.S. (6.8% of the population) meet the criteria for Social Anxiety Disorder, also called social phobia, and it typically starts in adolescence–around 13 years old. Overcoming social anxiety is not easy, and it’s a common struggle for children, teens and adults with ADHD. About 50% of adults with ADHD and up to 30% of children with ADHD also have a coexisting anxiety disorder. While you may not be able to overcome social anxiety overnight, you can learn to manage it better with a few key strategies.
Does this sound familiar?
“I feel that a lot of times I genuinely do want to socialize and get to know people. But trauma and fear of rejection disables me from doing it. It’s hard to fight my brain to meet this goal.” – Gunther, age 18“I have ADHD and social anxiety. The ADHD makes you physically awkward and it makes you stand out. I’m in my 30s and I’m terrified of socializing. It started when I was a kid. It’s terrible. I’m a complete hermit.” – Anthony, age 35When you worry so much about being negatively judged, you can’t really be yourself, make rewarding friendships, or build a satisfying life. Instead, social anxiety blocks you every step of the way.
Sources of social anxiety
Overcoming social anxiety begins with understanding its root causes. It most often stems from one or more of the following:
Limited exposure to positive social experiences
Genetics (people with anxious parents are more prone to anxiety)
History of being bullied
Memories of public humiliation
A general discomfort communicating with people
Other causes of social anxiety may come from feeling that you can’t relate to people or you haven’t learned proper social skills. For teens especially, dating, bullying and peer pressure all contribute to social anxiety. Social anxiety goes beyond shyness or introversion. One of its most important traits is a response to a trigger or situation which is above and beyond the actual threat of that situation.For example: You are so freaked out that everyone is looking at you when you are in line at the café that you don’t even try to stay and order a coffee. In reality, nobody is looking at you other than the server who takes your order.The worst part of social anxiety is that you know what you are doing makes no sense, and yet you can’t stop it anyway.
Symptoms of social anxiety
Some symptoms of social anxiety overlap with the characteristics of ADHD which makes diagnosis and treatment particularly complicated. People with ADHD who already struggle with understanding or missing social cues and wrestling with big emotions are particularly vulnerable to social anxiety.
Common symptoms:
Feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious when talking to people outside of your immediate family and/or keeping conversations very short
Having trouble making or keeping friends
Worrying for days or even weeks before a social event
Avoiding experiences or places where social interaction will occur (parties, classes, stores, restaurants, gyms, grocery stores, etc.)
Being embarrassed to eat in front of others
Experiencing panic attacks including nausea, shaking or perspiration in social environments
Managing social anxiety
Teens and adults with ADHD may experience social anxiety differently depending on the situation. You may be anxious about talking in class but be comfortable with working out at the gym. It’s important to understand in which environments you experience discomfort, and work on developing coping mechanisms for those settings.
1. Start with small goals
Instead of pressuring yourself to hang out with a group of people on multiple occasions, set up some one-to-one get-togethers with friends or family. These will help you practice your social skills in less overwhelming situations, where you can talk and listen without the distraction of larger crowds.
2. Create a strategy for larger gatherings
Talk through a coping strategy with a parent, sibling, counselor or coach. Think about who feels safe to talk to, who understands that you struggle with social anxiety, and whom you want to avoid. Prepare a one-liner response for when people ask how you are doing:“Nice to see you,” “School/work is going well,” “How are you?”
3. Plan your escape
Decide in advance what you will do if you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable. Where will you go? The bathroom is always a safe bet as everyone uses it, and it won’t seem odd that you are going there. When you are feeling overloaded, step outside for a few minutes to regroup.
4. Plan for recovery time
Most people with social anxiety need time to recover from the output of energy, thought and emotion that interactions demand of them.
Make a list of things you like to do that will help you chill out and nurture yourself. Post this list in your room and remind yourself to use it!
Many people with social anxiety feel badly about themselves and wish they were different. The truth is, there shouldn’t be any shame in feeling socially anxious, and it’s common for people with or without ADHD. You are not alone, and you can manage social anxiety effectively with the right support.
“Got ADHD? Do you lead off conversations saying you’re sorry? How do such reflexive responses serve you? Do they take the pressure off? Are you always assuming you are wrong? Are you shaming yourself? In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com). In the interview they talk about the “I’m sorry” response and bring a realization to your reflexive responses for you to gain awareness but, more importantly, for you to manage your life with intent. If you are sorry a lot, tune in to this insightful show.” Click play below to listen to the interview, or listen at AttentionTalkRadio.com.
Handling tasks and obligations we don’t enjoy is a part of everyday life. There are always meals to cook, laundry to do and garbage to take out. Most of us need to push ourselves to do tedious chores. Those with ADHD find it especially difficult to get started and follow through on boring, unpleasant tasks. This can lead to frustration, discouragement and even shame. It can also appear as negativity or procrastination. My GRIT method can help adults and kids learn two essential life skills: how to get motivated and how to see the work through to completion. GRIT is a process by which you get yourself ready to do a task or a work project, stay with it, apply consistent effort and finish a part or all of it. Let’s take a closer look.
People with ADHD lack dopamine, not willpower
The perception that people with ADHD lack grit or willpower is simply not true. ADHD is not a lack of willpower, but rather a condition of being unable to harness the abilities that you have to motivate yourself on something that interests you, and then apply them to something that does not. Dopamine plays an important role here.
People with ADHD are deficient in dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathway of the brain that can fuel motivation and action. Young people with ADHD, who have also yet to develop strong internal motivation (which usually develops in early adulthood), have an especially tough time feeling any motivation to start or finish day-to-day or long-term tasks and projects.
In order to build motivation when you have ADHD, it is important to identify what you want to accomplish and why, and set goals accordingly.
Ask yourself:
What do I want to achieve?
Why is this goal important?
Here are some examples:
I have to pay my bills by the end of the day to avoid late fees.
I want to do the laundry so I can wear my favorite outfit to work.
Similarly, children stand a better chance of finishing unpleasant tasks by setting goals for themselves rather than relying on external motivators:
Once I clean my room, I’ll be able to watch a movie.
Understanding your goals will not only help motivate you but will make it easier to see the work through to completion. This is an especially important skill for kids and teens to practice as they learn to manage schoolwork and chores independently.
Set Realistic Expectations
Once you’ve identified your goals, create realistic expectations of your capability, available resources and time constraints. Make a plan for when, where and how you’ll get things done. Try breaking large tasks down into smaller, more manageable pieces.
If it’s unrealistic that you’ll wash, dry and fold a load of laundry on a weeknight, split up the work between two nights. Easy tasks can be done anywhere, but difficult tasks might require a quiet room or a stretch of time with minimal interruptions. Consider these constraints and plan accordingly.
Use GRIT to help manage your everyday tasks:
Get situated.
Think about your tasks, do a brain dump and assign numbers to the first 3 items. Then, write where and when you want to do them.
Break your first and second items down into smaller chunks. Finish these first two items before moving on to the next one.
Set reminders. Ask yourself, “How long can I do something before I get bored?” If it’s 20 minutes, do your tasks in 20 minutes. Write yourself a note marking where you left off. Go on your break, set the time, go back to what you were doing. Don’t try to do something for an hour if that’s an unrealistic expectation. It will end in criticism and negative self-talk. We’re all about positive self-talk when building motivation with ADHD.
Implement incentives that matter.
Start with small steps and identify achievable goals. Put the “have-to” before the “want-to,” and use incentives. Watch your TV show after you do the dinner dishes. Meet your friend for coffee after you turn in your project. Use incentives that matter to kids and collaboratewith them on setting up the agreement.
Take small steps, and positively talk yourself through the tasks.
Instead of saying to yourself, “Why can’t I get more done? Why didn’t I do this the way it should have been done?” say, “Look at what I was able to do!” Model positivity for your kids.
Try a “high and a low,” or a “happy and a crappy” exercise at dinner to highlight the day’s wins.
Consider writing down three good things or accomplishments each night before bed.
Low motivation is a common struggle for people with ADHD. But you CAN overcome it. Enable yourself with the right motivational tools and a positive can-do attitude. Make it a point to acknowledge each accomplishment, no matter how small.
As the holiday season unfolds, my clients and friends express feeling very stressed. Some people have a long list of gifts to buy and wait until the last minute to do their shopping. Some schedule back-to-back social plans and celebrate with gusto. Other folks dislike the holidays altogether and would prefer to hide in bed under the covers until January. In general, everyone seems to be in a state of perpetual motion, running from one thing to the next, trying to get things done and seeing family and friends. This pace is not only challenging to maintain, but it’s also especially hard for kids and adults with ADHD who get easily overwhelmed, even without the holiday fervor. 
Make a master list, and then break it down into shorter ones. Ideally, your family might stop at 1 or 2 places in one trip, but plan for no more than 3-4 different places in one outing. Strategize by mapping out where you need to go beforehand, and group places together that are near each other.
Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests and relationships. The Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) states that approximately 
Handling tasks and obligations we don’t enjoy is a part of everyday life. There are always meals to cook, laundry to do and garbage to take out. Most of us need to push ourselves to do tedious chores. Those with ADHD find it especially difficult to get started and follow through on boring, unpleasant tasks. This can lead to 
