Category: Anxiety, Depression & More

Post-Pandemic Self-Care for Parents: 12 Tips for Wellness Practices in a New Normal

Parents holding their daughter's hand outside at the park together with masks on in post-pandemic world.Over the past year, we’ve touched on the importance of self-care for parents during the pandemic. It’s essential for parents to take care of themselves during these times, especially parents of children and teens who struggle with ADHD, learning disabilities, anxiety and other issues. After finally having adjusted to personal care practices in quarantine, it may be time to start considering adjusting to life in a new normal. Here are some tips to help update practices of post-pandemic self-care for parents. Although the road to conquering COVID-19 remains long, there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. With vaccination rollouts happening at a relatively fast pace in the United States, and increasingly more common elsewhere, it’s time to prepare for entering social situations. This may require a little extra energy right now, but there are ways to help make the transition easier and more exciting for you and your family. It starts with a solid self-care routine for parents that might look much different than what you’re used to. Here’s my advice.

12 tips for post-pandemic self-care for parents:

1. Expect that things will look different post-pandemic.

Change can be difficult. It’s normal to feel anxious about another change.  To help adjust, plan for unpredictability and some discomfort with the world reopening. And when the discomfort overwhelms you, see if you can find comfort knowing that change is a catalyst for growth.

2. Create a safety net.

Identify what you need to feel safe leaving your house. Post a list to remind your family of self-care items, for parents and kids. Common list items may include your run-of-the-mill wallet (forms of payment, photo ID, etc.), mask, hand sanitizer, keys, and cell phone. Bringing a water bottle, notebook to keep yourself occupied in semi-public situations, a book, and other items may help you shift slowly into a more social mindset. Five hands in the air, each holding a different piece of pandemic self-care PPE, in front of a plain blue backgroundPost-pandemic, your safety net may also expand to include your vaccination card, immune boosters, a thermometer, or oximeter. Be sure your children and teens with ADHD have extra masks and hand sanitizer as they will likely lose things along the way. These items will help you feel more comfortable with this shift.

3. Navigate the social scene slowly.

Give yourself time and space to enter the world and meet with people. Follow your own levels of comfort. Keep in mind that your capacity to handle social situations may have changed quite a bit in a more isolated environment. Self-care considerations for parents might look different now than they did pre-pandemic. Give yourself grace and space to accept your new energy levels, and adjust your calendar according to them (instead of the other way around).

4. Wonder instead of worry.

Shift the perspective from worrying about what might happen to curiosity about the future. Curiosity is the starting point for all creativity and knowledge, after all. Recall times in the past when you’ve been courageous and link those experiences to what’s going on now.

5. Expect awkward moments and accept them.

One parent with a mask on looking at the camera and two adults socializing with masks on in the background post-pandemicIt can be hard to know what to do and say post-pandemic. It’s been a long time since many of us were around humans in person regularly. Putting words to how you feel can help people understand your thought process and brain space. Making jokes can help other people feel comfortable. Honestly? They’re probably feeling similar and are not sure how to explain it.

6. Create statements to connect.

Practice makes perfect. Because you now have a shared experience, your small talk might look a little bit different. In fact, it might not be small talk at all. Create a list of statements, thoughts, and questions you’d like to use to engage with people post-pandemic. Questions like “How are things going?” “What are you doing?” “Are you able to work?” “Have you gotten a vaccine yet?” and more can really relay that you care, and open up a deeper conversation. Always keep in mind that saying something positive will help the person you’re speaking with be comfortable with you. This is one way self-care for parents can positively impact family and friends, too. Kind observations and new things learned can help create depth in your interactions. Positive statements will also leave a better – and perhaps lasting – impression on your acquaintances, family, and friends.

7. Be empathic.

It’s been hard on all of us. What’s been tough? What’s gone well? Be sure to engage these questions with yourself often, and acknowledge that others may be struggling with the same thoughts. Open yourself to the fact that you have a shared experience in this pandemic, and there are more opportunities to bond moving forward.

8. Start small.

Instead of expecting to go back like gangbusters, be kind to yourself and pace your exposure and contact. This will be difficult for the parents who tackle a million things a day, and who are used to a hectic family schedule. You and your children have missed your friends, but heading back into the world can happen gradually for your family. Self-care for parents means allowing yourself to dip your toes in first.

9. Acknowledge the stress pile-on of the past year.

Our stress bucket, already filled to the brim, is now overflowing. Take some time each day to decompress. Everything has been heavier, and you have been managing as well as you can, given whatever resources (external and internal) you have. Give yourself credit for what you and you’r family have done, not what you haven’t done!

10. Mind your sleep.

Close up of a person gripping their hands over their face in distressAll of this uncertainty can affect your sleep. What can help to interrupt this pattern is to adjust your bedtime ritual. Keeping away from bright lights and screens for about an hour before you go to bed is ideal for better sleep. Getting some time outdoors during the day will help to naturally regulate your sleep cycle. If your sleep continues to be uneven, consult with your doctor.

11. Simplify your to-do list.

We are living on an information overload. Television, phones, radios, and other technological devices are providing information at a rapid pace. Meanwhile, we consume messages from the world around us in multiple other forms of media. There is a lot going on all around us constantly, and it can be hard to absorb everything, let alone have the energy to personally contribute to anything. Multitasking is really a myth. To reduce overwhelm, make a conscious effort to do one thing at a time and no more than two. Boundaries are an important component of self-care for parents and can make a big impact on your wellbeing.

12. Consciously lower your expectations (or allow some grace into your life).

We have numerous factors that lead to persistent weariness. Making sure the well-being of our children is taken care of while developing and growing our relationships across the board isn’t an easy feat. That, coupled with stressors like work, home and family obligations and other variants can really take a toll on you. Consider making fewer plans, and lower your expectations for what you “should” accomplish. Focus on what nourishes you instead.

Maintaining your post-pandemic self-care practices

A picture of a dog on the ground next to someone practicing parental self-care yoga in the background Once you are able to focus on the smaller circumstances and practices that make things better, you can practice gratitude more – perhaps even with your ADHD child! Acknowledging the positive, noticing individual talents and doing activities together all show your ADHD child or teen that you care about who they are and you are glad that they are in your lives. It can also help them express gratitude that you may not otherwise feel on a daily basis. The past year has been difficult for everyone. It’s important that we all learn to care for ourselves as we move forward. Self-care for parents positively impacts kids, too. Family relationships often improve and parents model healthy behavior for kids and teens. So whether you’re experiencing resilience fatigue – which comes from being depleted mentally, physically and emotionally – social anxiety, or otherwise, it’s time to prioritize your wellbeing. As we approach re-opening, keep in mind the 5 C’s of ADHD parenting. Once you’ve established your own self-care routine, consider talking to your teen about creating one, too!

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Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Mediate Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD

Stressed mother with her down and her hand over her face as her children are angry at each other sitting on either side of herAre you tired of the arguments between your kids? Our sibling relationships are often the longest we experience in our lifetime. We all develop many integral skills within these core relationships. With siblings, we learn how to relate others, how to practice social skills and learn to negotiate. We also deal with  competition, disappointment, jealousy and fairness. Sibling relationships are integral to our lives and sense of ourselves. For kids who do not have siblings, this structure affects them too. Some may be happy to be single children and others may long for a sibling. As parents, our job is teach our kids how to work things out on their own and when to intervene constructively. In families living with ADHD, sibling relationships can be especially tricky to navigate.

The neurotypical child’s perspective in their sibling relationships

Siblings who identify as neurotypical often experience feelings of “otherness.” They can feel left out while their neurodivergent sibling receives what they perceive as “special care,” attention or favoritism. They might not be given the benefit of the doubt as often as their brother or sister. This fosters resentment towards the parents and the sibling. Neurotypical siblings might also receive harsher responses or more demanding behaviors from parents who may have higher expectations for them. They’re sometimes asked to be patient when they really feel angry or ignored. Often, non-ADHD siblings can struggle with a pattern of negative emotions towards their families which are difficult to reconcile. Kids have shared with me:

    • Embarrassment (eg. when their sibling experiences public meltdowns, school struggles, and behavioral issues).
    • Frustration (eg. if they have been exhibiting patience with annoying behaviors and have politely asked their brother or sister with ADHD to stop unsuccessfully).  
    • Guilt (eg. when they are thriving and their sibling with ADHD is clearly struggling;  this can even lead to under-performance in some areas to relieve discomfort of their brother or sister). 
    • Pressure to be the “good kid” (eg. to set an example for the rest of their family and avoid causing their family additional stress). 
    • Hiding true feelings (eg. denial of any uncomfortable or conflictual issues so they remain “healthier” than the sibling with ADHD, in comparison).

Leveling the playing field to discourage sibling rivalry

As parents, you want to encourage role flexibility in your family. No child should the “good” one nor the “bad” one. If there is more than one child in a household with ADHD, learning disabilities (LD), or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), it can be especially challenging for everyone to thrive because of how issues with attention, learning, or processing information manifest differently between family members. Father in a light blue long-sleeve collared shirt laughs and bends over as he walks around his living room holding his daughter with pigtails and a yellow shirt on his back. She has her arms out like she's an airplane, and their both laughing and having fun. Actively teach your children that we all have strengths and challenges. The goal is creating as level a playing field as possible within the family unit so kids can be both “good” and “bad.” In fact, we all have executive functioning skills that run smoothly and need tweaking. Name what they are for each person, and discuss an approach where each person can work on improving one issue. Emphasize this so your child with ADHD doesn’t feel stuck as the person who needs all of the help in the family. There are ways to help diffuse the tension in sibling relationships and create a stronger family ecosystem.

1. Choose empathy in your approach.

Working through issues with your ADHD child can set a very important example for how the rest of your family works together. Your children are always watching you, so it’s important to practice self-control and figure out what helps you manage yourself better when you are triggered. Take time to look at the big picture, understand every side, and practice compassion. Using humor can help to keep you level-headed and light-hearted. Your other children will follow your lead, and this will set an achievable example for the future. 

2. Practice themes of fairness and inclusion.

The world is already designed to make people feel a greater sense of competition. There is no need to overwhelm growing children with more comparison issues. Because children with ADHD often are the focus of more worry and concern, a parent’s extra engagement might stir up feelings of jealousy and comparison.

If you start to notice any extra stress or tension in any child, spending quality alone time with each could help boost their esteem. Fairness doesn’t mean equality but rather feeling listened to and included in the plans you create for the family. Use incentives and reward charts for everyone, but the expectations can differ according to age and ability. 

Two teenage siblings, sisters wearing white t-shirts sitting on chairs sideways next to each other, facing away away from each other, but looking at each other smiling. The girl on the left is on wearing green shorts, sitting on a gray living room chair, and holding a notebook. The girl on the right is wearing orange shorts, sitting on a yellow chair and is holding coffee.

3. Handle disagreements with the same finesse as every day conversations.

Practicing fairness with every child, no matter their neurological capabilities, is essential for fostering healthy sibling relationships. It also reduces any built-up tension or feelings of rage a child could experience at feeling less than. Talk with your partner (or a caring friend) about when to intervene in sibling arguments. Safety is a primary concern, of course, but also avoiding unnecessary escalations and hurtful statements is important. Then discuss with your kids about when you will intervene, when you will warn them to take some space and how they can ask for help when they are stuck with each other. Teach kids to deal with their conflict effectively, model how to negotiate problems, set up a plan for taking space when things escalate and come back later to discuss how to move forward and make amends.

4. Spend quality alone time with each child.

Each of your children benefits from alone time with each parent. Whether it’s a special activity or doing some errands with a Starbucks at the end, the point is to hang out together. My uncle used to schedule one-on-one time with each of my cousins once a month. One of my clients takes her daughter on errands on Saturdays that involve some stuff for the family and some fun time like going to Starbucks or getting ice cream. These types of quality time make a huge difference in nurturing parent-child connections and fostering healthy communication.

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Returning to School with ADHD: Tips on helping anxious kids transition smoothly

Teen girl with ADHD sitting on the ground in front of her locker with her hands on her head looking anxious and downBack to school is normally a time of excitement with a splash of worry thrown in. But this year, with the shift from remote learning to in-person or hybrid instruction, it seems that there’s more worry with just a splash of excitement. For neurodiverse kids who found online learning more helpful in certain ways, this could be even less exciting. Returning to School with ADHD isn’t easy. How can you assist your child or teen with ADHD reduce their back to school worries and make a smooth transition? 

Start by discussing and accepting their feelings and your own worries.

Everybody feels uncertain and uncomfortable right now. Change, in the midst of COVID numbers rising again and the confusion about getting vaccinated, make us all feel insecure. How do we reintegrate as a society? Is it safe to gather? What advice do we follow? Following the CDC guidelines seems to differ among various people. You have to follow your own guidelines about what makes you feel safe while understanding that kids need to return to some degree of normalcy. 

ADHD teen with anxiety about remote learning while he sits at a desk in front of his laptop and holds his hands to his head and looking distressed

During the pandemic, we’ve been separated from so many aspects of our typical lives. As parents, you’ve been stressed thin with juggling work, school supervision and the regular demands of family life. In this strange, extended period, kids of all ages, whose social and emotional development highly depends on social interactions, have missed having close peer connections and struggled navigating the complexities of online relationships for more than a year.

Kids with ADHD who’ve been doing hybrid or remote learning have also been able to move around physically, follow impulses and refrain from practicing the emotional regulation that’s required of them in the school building. These adjustments will change once they are in classrooms.

Preparing anxious kids for the returning to school with ADHD not only relies on reviewing the various alterations to the school environment but also practicing necessary social skills, COVID hygiene and academic adjustments. Follow these steps to promote confidence, strategies and resilience in your student.

Tips to help anxious kids transition to returning to school with ADHD and confidence:

1. Manage your own concerns first.

Kids have incredible radar. They easily pick up when their parents are stressed or anxious and it increases their own distress, conscious or unconscious. The first step in decreasing the anxiety your child or teen is feeling is to lower your own.

Take a few minutes and discuss your concerns about returning to school with ADHD, anxiety and COVID concerns with your partner, a friend, extended family member or counselor. Write these down and then strategize responses or to-do action items to each one by creating an “Anxiety Decelerator Plan.”

This ADP will help you feel like you have some control. For instance, if your child needs more support than they received in the spring, one of your action items should be to contact the school adjustment or guidance counselor and set up a meeting. 

2. Identify their worries.

We can’t assist kids in turning down the frequency or intensity of their anxiety unless we know what’s causing it. Worried thinking and environmental triggers set children and teens off and then they fall down the rabbit hole. We want to stop this tumble.

During your weekly or twice a week check-in meetings (these are a must), explore what might be uncomfortable or uncertain about in-person/hybrid learning. Write these down. Pick one fear together to address first and when its volume is lower, you can pick another. Remember, people can really only change one thing at a time. 

3. Consider past success.

Kid with ADHD wearing a mask and raising his thumb out the car window, excited as he returning to school.When kids are anxious, they experience amnesia about times in the past when they overcame obstacles. Talk about a situation ortwo from the past when there was a challenge that they dealt with successfully. What happened? What did they rely on inside of themselves to do this? Did anyone assist them? Write down their responses: they are critical pieces of your youngster’s resilience toolkit that they need for bouncing back from anxiety.

Link some of these tools to the worry that you both have agreed to work on. Cue them to use this tool and check in about how it’s going at your meetings. Brainstorm what you can do to assist them that works for both of you (especially for tweens and teens).

4. Avoid reassurance, and rely on acknowledgment instead.

Anxiety loves reassurance. But while reassurance brings about a short-term relief, it increases long-term anxiety because it doesn’t teach kids the skills they need to do this for themselves. What parents need to do is acknowledge the fear and validate their concerns.

Say something like, “Yes, of course you are worried about returning to school. It’s a big adjustment. What did we do when we needed to make a change last year? How can we use those strategies for this transition?” Making these connections for kids fosters their capabilities for self-reassurance and resilience.

5. Create a new normal.

Nothing is the same, and even though we desire our old normal, it’s not here. Welcome and adapt to new rhythms instead of fighting them. Identify available resources that you have now and didn’t before: safe social interactions, outside exercise, educational tutors and better intervention. This shift in your focus will aid your kids with ADHD who naturally wrestle with flexibility pivot more successfully.

Teen girl with ADHD leaning over a desk and looking at her mother as they discuss returning back to school

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5 Tips to Uplevel Your Spring Cleaning and Decluttering

Teen girl with ADHD stuck upside down in a huge pile of clothes that's a mess before spring cleaningAs the spring air settles in, the daylight hours get longer, and our positivity shifts. But that glistening sunshine may cast a harsh light on the parts of your home and your life that need a good reset after this COVID year. Spring cleaning and decluttering can ignite fresh ideas and increase productivity. Both cleaning and the resulting tidiness and spaciousness can help reduce stress and anxiety. This is a great time to get your house and your mental health in check as we transition back to ‘normal’. You’ll help yourself and your Neurodiverse kids to create an optimal ecosystem so the re-entry back to school feels organized and fresh. Follow these steps in our Spring Spankin’ Clean Checklist to get started and map out your plan of action. 

1. Strategize your spring cleaning and decluttering.

Instead of stressing about devoting an entire day or weekend to spring cleaning, take a different approach. It will probably be more productive for you to tackle different aspects of decluttering and cleaning in phases. Dedicate short windows of time to particular areas of your house, so the task feels less overwhelming.  If trying to clean the kitchen, the office and living room in one day sounds like too (it does to me!), pick one room to approach. Father with his two kids with ADHD vacuuming under the rug for spring cleaningMake a list of what you want to do, how much overall time you want to spend in that room and how your kids can assist you. Give them tasks that are age appropriate and fit their capabilities. Pick different days for projects too. Maybe spend 20 minutes vacuuming your rugs on Saturday, 30 minutes going through your dresser drawers on Sunday, and so on. This will make everything feel more manageable, especially when you have your munchkins helping you out.

2. Start with cleaning the space that inspires you and your kids.

What parts of disarray in the house bother you the most? What bothers them? If it happens to be your desk or their workspace, start to declutter there. If your kids’ imagination is sparked in the playroom or their rooms, head there. Your family thrives together in the kitchen? Optimize that space first. Together, collaborate on a plan of attack. What are you going to do first? What’s after that? You’re not just tidying up: you’re actually teaching them executive functioning skills like planning, prioritizing and organization along the way. Emphasize teamwork. How you approach this process and how you manage your frustration  will set the tone for your decluttering process. Take short breaks to reset, have a drink or use the bathroom and then a longer break when you’ve completed a chunk of work.

3. Set donation goals.

It can be easy to forget that we don’t need every item in our homes… until spring cleaning comes around. I approach spring cleaning every year with a goal of donating items that I haven’t worn or used in several years and don’t think I will in the future.

Donation box filled with clothes after spring cleaning

Some of these items may be in bad shape and will head to the trash. But other things could interest or help other people. Create a few bags or boxes: keep, trash, donate. Assign or place items in these categories. By the end of my cleaning project, I may have a dozen things to sell at the consignment store or drop by the local donation thrift shop. Set goals like this with your kids too. They will have outgrown certain clothes or games and sharing them with others can give them a sense of purpose. It can be hard for some neurodivergent kids to let go of their stuff. If that’s true in your house, create a maybe bag as a transitional holding place. Then, you can revisit it in two weeks. Working together like this shows them know how to contribute to the household and to those less fortunate. Remember to use small incentives (like a new book or extra screen or outdoor time) to motivate them and keep them focused on the goal.

4. Organize your kids with Self-Smart Systems.

Mother spring cleaning and decluttering the living room with her ADHD kids Start your organizing projects with your kids by asking them some questions. Instead of, “Why are your clothes always on the floor?” try, “I notice your clothes seems to end up on the floor. What might change that?” Kids with ADHD often have their own ideas about what makes sense to their brains in terms of managing their stuff. Some like to separate their clothes by color; others by function (tops, bottoms, etc.); others by seasons. Work with your child’s internal systems by expressing curiosity. “I wonder what would make it easier for you to see what’s in your drawers” or, “Let’s put the things you’re not really wearing in a plastic box and revisit this in a few months.” Ask, listen, participate and guide. When you do this, you become your child’s cleaning ally instead of their adversary.

5. Consider storing winter or other seasonal items.

Blankets, coats, gloves, hats, bathing suits, flip flops, beach toys. You don’t need access to all of these things all year long. Decide what you will need and use and then put away the other stuff. For people living in cooler climates, may winter items can be bulky and take up lots of space.  When there’s fewer items in the environment, it’s easier for kids with ADHD (and their parents) to see their options and use their stuff. To deal with unnecessary items, consider vacuum sealing. First, your son or daughter will think it’s the coolest thing ever and probably will help you. Who doesn’t want to see stuff shrink?  These packages will take up less space so that your closets look and feel more streamlined. Storage bins for spring decluttering and organization for ADHD kids and familiesAnother option is using plastic storage bins. I love these! Label the boxes and put them out of sight. When winter returns next year, you’ll be able to see and locate everybody’s stuff more quickly. Of course, if you find items that are outgrown or used very little this winter, pass them along to others! Spring cleaning and decluttering can refresh the mind, body, and spirit. Set aside specific times on the family calendar to tidy up. Whatever steps your family takes now, you’ll reap the benefits that much sooner! Parent enjoying a moment of relaxation leaning back on the couch with her eyes closed after spring cleaning and decluttering

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Raising Teens with ADHD: Redefining what ‘success’ means

Teen boy with ADHD sitting on a bench and having a serious conversation his mother Let’s face it, raising teens today is challenging. With 24/7 access to screens, peers and entertainment, it’s tough to set boundaries, especially during a pandemic. Regardless of their words, actions or attitudes, most teens dislike family conflict as much as their parents do. Parenting “a successful teen” means working together on creating expectations, goals and strategies that foster connected independence. Everybody has a different definition of “success.” What’s important for parents raising teens with ADHD to do is to meet them where they are–not where you think they should be. This embodies a strong, parent-child connection that sets the stage for successfully addressing any issues. While there is a lot of emphasis on getting good grades, admissions to  schools and colleges and awards for extracurricular activities as demonstrating ‘success’ for teens with and without ADHD, I believe that true ‘success’ for teens depends more on building lifelong tools for resilience and self-worth. When neurodiverse teens are able to tolerate and recover from disappointments, see mishaps as learning opportunities instead of failures, and believe that they have personal value regardless of their accomplishments, then they can be successful.

Parents can cultivate these aspects of ‘success’ by doing two main things:

A mother sitting with her daughter with ADHD, holding hands wit her daughter while they have an important conversationFirst, offer encouragement and validation of your child’s efforts as much as their achievements. Secondly, nurture positive connections in your parent-teen relationship. This connection fosters self-esteem and self-confidence. When teens with ADHD feel like their parents believe in them, value their opinions and listen to what they have to say, they are more likely to feel better about themselves. In addition, they are more likely to bounce back from obstacles and believe in their own capabilities. This is what ‘success’ looks like in an adolescent. 

Here are some tips for parents to raise “successful teens” with ADHD.

Practice compassion for yourself and them.

Everybody is doing the best they can with whatever tools and resources they have available at a given moment. The push-pull of this stage of development is confusing and challenging for all of you. When kids are acting out, they lack adequate coping skills for whatever situation they’re facing. Try to recall what your adolescence was like: the awkwardness, the peer pressure and the insecurity. This empathy makes a huge difference. Be kind to yourself and patient with them as you navigate this territory. 

Offer less advice and collaborate on goals.

Teen with ADHD sitting outside on his computer holding his fist up with excitement about success and accomplishment

Teens want to feel listened to more than they want you to solve their problems. Use reflective listening so they feel heard and validated. Repeat what you hear them say before giving advice or telling what to do. Work together on establishing goals for school, chores and self-care. When kids with ADHD participate in setting up expectations with their parents, they are far more likely to buy into whatever plan is created.

Create consistent routines that build executive functioning skills:

Aim for steadiness, not perfection. When it comes to raising teens with ADHD, you want to teach them tools for organization, planning, prioritizing, time management, initiation and self-care. Routines foster these skills. Use incentives instead of punishments to enhance motivation and connect the have-to’s to the want-to’s such as extra screen time, driving lessons with you and going out.

Set screen limits.

Assist your son or daughter in making gaming, social media and surfing the net a part of a balanced life not the main attraction. They can’t do this themselves.  Create screen free family times such as meals, walks or games where you can be with each other and have fun. Remember that, despite what your teens tell you, screen time is a privilege, not something they are entitled to. 

Encourage efforts, not just accomplishments.

Paying attention to the process of working on tasks, and not just their completion, encourages teens to keep trying and stick with goals. Underneath whatever bluster they present, teens with ADHD want to feel like what they do matters and is acknowledged by their parents. Little positive comments go a long way. Teen standing on the top of a mountain on a beautiful cloudy afternoon with their arms spread wide with excitement for reaching the peak.

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ADHD and Technology: Sensible Solutions to Screen (In)Sanity

Boy with ADHD wearing headphones looking upset raising a fist above his head as he looks at his laptopDo you feel like your child with ADHD has turned into a tech-obsessed stranger? If so, you are not alone. Many parents and caregivers are distraught and overwhelmed by the role that technology now plays in the lives of their children and teens. While you may sometimes want to throw the iPad, Chromebook, smartphone, etc. out of the window, I recommend that you take a deep breath and create a plan for a balanced media diet instead. The relationship between ADHD and technology can be positive, and a healthy balance will benefit your child and your family.

The acronym SCREENS can assist you with managing ADHD and technology:

Boy with ADHD sleeping on the wrong side of his bed at night next to his laptop which is open and on

Start with reasonable goals.

Collaborate on your technology plan.

Redirect to agreed-upon alternatives.

Expect pushback and decide in advance what to do.

Employ Easy on/Easy off technique.

Notice cooperation and nurture consistency.

Screens stay out of bedrooms at night.

Putting SCREENS to practice for ADHD and technology at home:

START with reasonable goals about media use right now.

During COVID, kids are on their technology more, plain and simple. But this doesn’t mean that they should have free rein over screen use in your family. What do you think is a reasonable daily amount of screen time? What do they think? If you are unsure, talk with your pediatrician or primary care provider for their advice on balancing ADHD and technology. The goal is balancing the high dopamine activities of online stimulation with lower dopamine periods to rebalance brain chemistry and settle down.

COLLABORATE on a plan about when and where screen time occurs.

A person on their phone, you can only see their hand and the phone and graphics of like and heart social media graphics floating from the phone into the air All screen time is not equal: there’s a difference between TikTok, texting, Snapchat, gaming, surfing the net and watching television. Talk about these differences and how to equalize them. Then, find neutral ground between what your kids want and what you think is best. The bar may be lower now due to COVID, and that’s okay. Let them know it’s an evolving situation where things can change.

REDIRECT and be very clear about what qualifies as inappropriate use of technology.

Sexting, online bullying, visiting unsuitable sites, sneaking devices and being online at 2 a.m indicate a lack of respect about screen privileges. Discuss these differences and set up logical consequences for these type of behaviors. In addition, set up ways for your child to earn back your trust.

EXPECT PUSHBACK and you will not be surprised when it arises once again.

Neurodivergent family of 6 meeting for dinner at the kitchen table while all distracted looking at their phones Your child or teen will not thank you for creating screen time as an earned privilege. In fact, they will most likely become angry and tell you that being online is their right. I don’t agree. Our children are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, love, healthcare, education and a secure environment. Screen time is not on this list. Instead, I see it as a ‘want-to” that follows the ‘have-to’s’ of life. Have a plan in place for this so you are prepared. Also, be sure to monitor your own screen use. Kids with ADHD can smell hypocrisy a mile away. They will howl if adults stay on their phone at dinner but the kids’ phones are relinquished for a quiet meal.

EMPLOY EASY ON/EASY OFF TECHNIQUE and think about the role that you want technology to play in your family.

Decide how much screen time (not for school) you want your child or teen to have daily. Have a conversation about how much they desire. Then, decide on a baseline amount and a bonus amount of time. Perhaps the baseline is one hour after homework is completed and another two hours for earned time. How kids EASE OFF baseline once it is completed determines if they earn some of the bonus time. You can also attach bonus time to completion of chores, lack of yelling or cursing, readiness for school, going to bed on time, etc. Any desired behavior should be linked to earned screen time. Write down your plan and post it in the kitchen so it can be referred to easily. 

NOTICE AND VALIDATE COOPERATION; managing ADHD and technology is not easy.

Neurodivergent adolescent boy smiling with his mother as they wash the dishes. Notice and validate any cooperation your child offers and expect to adjust the plan along the way. Balancing ADHD and technology as a child or teen is really difficult! Pick a time for a short weekly family meeting to discuss the earned privileges plan (maybe give it a snappy name) and how it’s going. Expect to make adjustments, but do not do this in the middle of an escalation. Your child will exert many tactics to get you to back down. Stay steady!! Let them know that all changes can be discussed in the weekly meeting and that negotiation does not mean they will get what they want. A good compromise occurs when everybody is a bit unhappy with the agreement.

SCREENS STAY OUT OF BEDROOMS AT NIGHT to avoid sneaking and using technology at inappropriate times.

Our brains need a break from looking at a screen to integrate, regroup and rest. Middle-of-the night texting, gaming or watching YouTube videos disrupts kids’ sleep and makes for tired, cranky children. Set up a screen-free family time during the day (meals, chores, games, baking, sports, etc.). This will give kids a chance to connect with others and practice real time social skills. It will also foster closer relationships with you through conversation and activity.

Good luck, and remember that any change takes time, practice and patience to take hold!

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Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect

Do you have a child or teen who needs to get things right or else? Perfectionism can be motivating and debilitating. While it’s admirable to want to do our best and strive for academic, social and professional success, many folks with perfectionism and ADHD go beyond this desire to do well. They create unrealistic standards of success, compare themselves negatively to neurotypical peers and focus too much on the end result and not the process of getting there. Learning to aim for steadiness and ‘good enough’ can relieve pressure that kids with ADHD put on themselves, and that adults set for them as well. 

Perceived positives of perfectionism and ADHD

There are several helpful aspects of perfectionism that assist kids with ADHD to get started and keep going on tasks and projects. They want to achieve a personal standard, create a piece of work or express themselves with pride and satisfaction. Perfectionism also contributes to the productive side of worry. It helps people by encouraging planning and fostering initiation such as doing homework, getting to work on time or remembering to charge your phone. 

The pitfalls of perfectionism

But, perfectionism also limits people, especially children and teens with ADHD. The unhelpful aspects of perfectionism and ADHD include:

  • Self-criticism  (negative self-talk)
  • Rigidity (not completely right means failure)
  • Fear of disappointment (self or others)
  • Avoidance of failure (not trying because effort won’t earn desired result)
  • Sensitivity to feedback (defensiveness)
  • Discouragement/depression (low self-worth due to incomplete goals)

Anxiety and procrastination

A boy with perfectionism and ADHD hiding his face behind his hands out of shame Perfectionism and ADHD can exacerbate anxiety and reflect worry about things we think we cannot control. When kids have experienced previous struggles with chores, homework or class assignments, they worry about whether they can perform necessary tasks. They aren’t sure that they’ve got what it takes to do what is being asked of them. They are concerned about possible failure and want to avoid any embarrassment. If your child struggles with organization and prioritizing, then they don’t know where to begin and how to maintain perspective which makes things worse. Finn, age 16, tells me “ It’s hard to let go of the little stuff because everything is important.” This is where perfectionism procrastination kicks in. Kids with ADHD can be so immobilized by their worry about messing up that they don’t get started. They tell themselves “If I can’t get this just right, why bother?” They attempt to limit future mistakes and reduce potential shame by putting things off. This concern about humiliation, combined with low self-confidence about their capability, lie underneath perfectionism procrastination in neurodiverse kids.

Reframing goals and expectations for kids with perfectionism and ADHD

Happy father high-fiving his young son with perfectionism and ADHD at the kitchen table, applauding progress over perfection Reframing the goals and how to proceed on meeting them reduces perfectionism. The first step is to keep things simple. When you break tasks down into smaller, do-able parts, kids are more likely to make efforts and keep trying–even if things aren’t exactly right. The stakes are lower for kids with perfectionism and ADHD because things are smaller. Therefore, “mistakes” have less consequence or value. When they work on these tasks and complete them–imperfect but finished–they start to overcome perfectionism.  When kids can accept that something is good enough, they start to build a standard to apply to bigger items. Of course, determining what is good enough comes from a collaborative conversation that might also include the school to set appropriate ideals. When they attempt and then complete these easier goals, they are learning the skills to accept the reality of imperfection that all of us deal with. There is a difference between accountability (owning and accepting what you do with honesty and calm) and perfectionism (needing everything to be a certain way and judging yourself negatively when it’s not). 

Together, set up a goal roadmap with your son or daughter.

A goal roadmap lays out the trail of where you want to go and how to get there. Most children and teens with ADHD cannot do this themselves. They need you (or a coach, therapist or learning support person) to assist with mapping out the territory: what needs to be done when, what’s acceptable in terms of quality and quantity, what is most important and what is less relevant. Then you outline the manageable steps along the way. 

Focus on the process of living and learning.

People are supposed to make errors, regroup and try again. You can’t say enough to your child with perfectionism and ADHD. This is how learning occurs in the human brain. It fosters that essential growth mindset: one where they try things and derive value from efforting as much or more than outcome. We want to aid neurodiverse kids in accepting themselves as normal because they are perfectly imperfect, with strengths and challenges – just like the rest of us.  A big, happy neurodiverse family picture of multiple generations hugging outside in the sunlight and looking at the camera

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Overcoming 3 Common ADHD Parenting Struggles during COVID

Many families living with ADHD feel bogged down right now. As the COVID winter drags on, remote/hybrid learning combined with parents’ professional responsibilities are beyond tiresome. Families are arguing more than they would like as everybody’s fed up and kids are often pushing back. Although we can see a light at the end of this long pandemic tunnel, we’re not there yet. What can you do today to ease the tension in your life and improve connections with your child or teen? Improving cooperation at home means starting with listening and observing what your kids are saying and showing you with their words and behaviors. Most kids with ADHD are well beyond their coping comfort zone. They’ve stretched and adapted to this year of online school, social distancing and peer isolation as much as they can. They’ve relied on screens for their education, their play and their socializing. Many are regressing in terms of self-reliant living skills and they are depending on you in ways they haven’t in a long time. They may well be acting out towards you because they can’t contain their anger, anxiety or frustration any longer. You are their safe harbor.  It’s so tough not to react in these explosive moments but self-Control and Compassion are what’s called for. As long as you import whatever negativity they are exporting and react strongly, your upset becomes their focus. They’ve succeeded in getting rid of their unmanageable emotions and can blame you for being unreasonable  instead. But this isn’t a healthy solution. Instead, manage yourself with whatever tools you can (breathing, using the bathroom, drinking some water) and use reflective listening to mirror what you hear them saying. Make sure you set ground rules with logical consequences (not punishments) for physical behaviors such as kicking, hitting or breaking things or using inappropriate language. Tell them, if you do X, you will not earn Y. Limits help kids understand that their choices affect others.  Once you are steadier, you can address your family’s current challenges. I’m hearing about three main themes from people: stress, negativity and boredom that lie at the core of many difficulties. Let’s look at each of them.

Stress:

Whether it’s food, job or housing insecurity, pressure from work or school demands, everybody has a shorter fuse these days. Some of the tension comes from having unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children based on how people performed previously. Many kids with and without ADHD have lost some of their coping skills. You can assist them by adjusting your expectations to the reality of the present situation. Whatever children and teens were able to accomplish in pre-COVID school and life may be very different from what they can do now.  If your child or teen is really struggling to attend classes and do the work, arrange a meeting with the school right away and talk about what types of support and alternative learning options are available. At home, have a family meeting about chores that includes when to do them and any supervision your child may need. Link their “have-to” tasks to their “want-to” activities and have them earn bonus screen time, family games or picking the take-out menu. Shift the bar and re-establish the bare minimum. You can always raise it again when the pandemic is over. 

Negativity: 

All of us continue to live with more worry and frustration than we are accustomed to. Kids feel confused, sometimes despairing, about what they’ve been missing and many have lost hope about the future. It’s difficult for ADHD brains, with their NOW/NOT NOW thinking, to see a better time ahead when the present feels miserable. We’re seeing higher levels of anxiety as ‘what if’ thoughts circulate in kids’ heads and they expect and exaggerate negative outcomes. With higher levels of anxiety, isolation and anger, we’re also observing more depression, particularly in teens, as they have moved on from disappointment to loss of hope or a sense of meaninglessness about their lives. Much as you would like to, it’s impossible to snap your fingers and make everything better. But you can help them shift their perspective. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, on their powerlessness to change things and in their isolation, you can work with them on controlling what they can. Forget about the ‘I should’s” and focus on what they actually CAN do. Talk about resilience fatigue, discuss what coping looks like and start a tradition of naming a high and low (or as one of my clients calls it ‘a happy and a crappy’) at dinner. You want to make small shifts from what isn’t working to paying attention to what is.

Boredom: 

We’ve all got this. Instead of aiming for happiness based on previous levels of activity, aim for satisfaction. Routines that foster predictability and organization are so important for kids, especially those with ADHD. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t shake things up a bit. Together, brainstorm a list of zany things to do:

  • have breakfast for dinner once a week;
  • make popcorn and have a mandatory family movie night;
  • visit a local place you’ve never been and have wanted to check out;
  • return to a favorite ice cream parlor that’s a car drive or bus ride away;
  • host a short zoom dance party in your living room and let each family member pick a song;
  • have an ongoing card game or puzzle.

Ask your friends for ideas of things they’ve been doing to break up the monotony. Make the effort to leave the house a few times a week, if not daily. Go outside to parks, trails or walking paths you’ve not visited before. Exercise with your kids so you all get moving. The fresh air, sunlight and nature will lift all of your spirits.

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Divorce and the ADHD Family: 3 Essential Tips for Better Co-Parenting

Child with ADHD standing between her divorced mothers and holding their hands with hearts drawn on the wall behind her Divorce is so complicated. It can be tough on both kids and parents. For kids with ADHD who already struggle with organization, time management and transitions, going from one home to another can be disconcerting. They need their parent to establish and maintain consistency between the homes, whether that’s two sets of favorite toys or assistance packing their stuff. The most important thing for predicting a positive outcome for these children and teens is how well the divorcing parents can place their kids’ well-being over their own discord. This means that, despite whatever animosity or distance has led to the divorce, both adults consider what serves their youngsters in terms of their lives not just what works best for the parents. To that end, here are 3 suggestions.

Take the long view on adaptation:

Child with ADHD and her divorced parents, standing as she says goodbye to her father who is kneeling infront of her with his suitcase by the door, while her mother stands by and watches Think about what will help your child or teen adjust to the new family arrangement. Getting used to different homes and shifting structure takes time and can be uncomfortable. Go slowly to help kids adjust to the massive changes in their lives. Be patient and expect pushback in terms of anger, anxiety or withdrawal. Instead of judging them or getting frustrated, acknowledge current challenges by saying something like “Of course you are struggling, we all are. That’s normal in this situation.” 

Create consistency:

Separate homes shouldn’t mean separate rules, responsibilities and routines. The more consistency there can be between thetwo homes, the better it is for the kids. Of course, you and your ex don’t have to do everything in the exact same way and you probably won’t. That’s one reason you’re not together. But be on the same page about the big stuff such as screen allowances, academic responsibilities and logical consequences for inappropriate behaviors.

Manage negativity towards the other parent:

Child with ADHD sitting on the floor with her teddy bear in the dark with her eyes over her head as shadows of her divorced parents fighting are on the wall This might be the toughest task but bad-talking the other parent to your child only creates unnecessary anger and resentment ultimately towards YOU. No child wants to be caught in the middle of any battles between their parents. Do your best to find someone else to complain to: a therapist, coach, good friend, sibling, cousin–anybody. You want to be able to show your child that you can support and celebrate them as a family at sporting events, graduations, performances, etc. in their lives. Take a deep breath–you’ve got this!

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