Sanity during holidays

1. Avoid holiday overwhelm: Your brain can only process so much info at one time and it’s especially hard for kids with or without ADHD to manage themselves around this time. In fact, it’s often tough for adults who have their own triggers and family issues to deal with. How can families cope effectively?
a. Make lists: There is no other way to be organized. Write things down, preferably on your phone or tablet so you won’t lose it. Show your children how to do this. Then, check things off to create a sense of accomplishment and goal persistence.
b. Post a holiday schedule: When kids with ADHD can visually see the details about upcoming events, it helps them plan mentally and prepare for the situation. This makes transitions easier, along with several warnings before something is set to occur.
c. Be flexible: Things don’t always work out the way we plan them. Disappointment can be rough for anyone to tolerate and kids are still learning how to strengthen this muscle. Acknowledge their feelings knowing that you may or may not be able to fix it for them and that’s okay.
d. Build in recovery time. It takes time for our brains process all of the heightened activity and emotions during the holiday, especially for kids with ADHD. Plan for ‘down time’, whether that’s time alone, watching a movie on the couch together or making some popcorn to eat in front of the fire.

https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/nobody-perfect-1024×680.jpg Kids with ADHD usually have grown up with a series of negative comments about that are labeled “constructive feedback.” Actually these statements feel anything but constructive. One 10 year-old boy told me “There’s nothing good about feedback. It’s usually bad.” Even parental or teacher redirections are interpreted by kids and their concrete thinking as them being wrong, bad or improper. Avoidance and perfectionism can then emerge as coping mechanisms. Children and especially teens with ADHD can be expert avoiders. Tired of feeling wrong or doing poorly in school more often than not, they just give up. Perfectionism in kids with ADHD usually comes from feeling like they are never good enough. It can stop them from starting anything, especially writing, before they even begin. Sometimes they will agonize for hours which will delay them even more. https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/AcademicsSchool-1024×711.jpg

How can we keep your sons and daughters engaged and willing to attempt things? Here are some helpful hints:

  • Acknowledge past mistakes as something that happened but aren’t who they are. Since learning means messing up, regrouping and doing things anyway, investigate the details of what occurred with the original mistake.
  • Ask questions with no blame and a neutral tone of voice like you are a detective: “What happens when you sit down for a test in biology? I saw you study at home. . . What might have helped you before the test that you now know based on your experience?”
  • Break tasks down into smaller, more manageable parts. When something seems overwhelming, difficult or uninteresting, start small. Together, choose some fun activities that can be used as incentives. “Instead of creating all 5 paragraphs of your book report, let’s just work on the first one. Then we can play a game of cards and do the second.” Your assistance and even sometimes just your presence, can be the difference between doing nothing and starting something.
  • Be open about the mistakes you make. Talk about them and what you did to deal with your errors. By doing this, you not only model your own flaws and problem-solving skills but also the shared human experience of having foibles in the first place.
  • Practice self-forgiveness and accountability. Let your kids see how you do this and verbalize it for them as well. Watching you shows that they can do it too.

https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Motivation-1024×683.jpgAddressing these challenges takes time. Be patient with yourself and your ADHD child or teen. If you notice that you are frustrated, take some space, regroup and try again later when you are calmer. Remember, any negativity from you about avoidance and perfectionism only makes these tendencies stronger.https://drsharonsaline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/5366637592_0a193a8fcf_b-1024×680.jpg

Tips to Reduce or Eliminate Anxiety

Anxiety is a physiological response related to a perceived danger and worried, negative thinking. Basic fight or flight responses are triggered from worries and these reactions are usually disproportionate to the concern at hand. Worry can be productive or poisonous. Productive worry is worry about doing things–completing homework or getting to work on time –and can be helpful in getting things done. Poisonous worry is worry about things you can’t control–the ultimate demise of the planet or whether people like you–and can be debilitating. The first step to dealing effectively with anxiety is to determine which type of worry you are dealing with. Then, engage the thinking brain to slow down the tidal wave of anxiety and emotion volcano by doing two things:

  1. Rely on past experiences of successfully overcoming anxiety and applying those skills to this moment.
  2. Engage in a worse-case scenario by asking “And then what?” repeatedly until you land at the illogical end.

This process works with kids and adults.

Tilt Interview: Dr. Sharon Saline On What Our ADHD Kids Wish We Knew

In today’s episode, we cover a lot of ground—everything from what a child’s emotional journey is like as he or she comes to understand and accept the way their brain is wired and the correlation between anxiety and ADHD, to how parents can help ADHD kids reduce outbursts and more successfully collaborate with their kids.

3 Ways to Share with Your ADHD Valentine

Celebrate Valentine’s Day with REAL Heart!

This week, television shows, Hallmark cards and advertisements tell us repeatedly that Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love–romantic love, familial love, friendship love. I even saw a Valentine’s Day card for your dog! It can all be a bit overwhelming, especially if you are feeling less loving than the commercials suggest you should be. I would like to suggest that you can transform this day into something meaningful for you and your ADHD son or daughter by being authentic and acknowledging what is positive in your relationship. Often we are so busy with our chaotic lives that we neglect to notice and name things that are going well and move quickly onto what isn’t working. While it is great to give and receive funny cards and candy on Valentine’s Day, it can also feel wonderful to share and name things that family members like and appreciate about each other. It might sound corny but such conversations or written words, however brief, can have lasting effects. Taking the time to add your own comments about a positive behavior or attitude on a card or at a meal will show that you really see your child’s efforts to do well and encourage more of them. Mother and daughterEven teenagers who can seem indifferent or combative to you actually listen to your positive feedback. The trick is keeping your comments “short and sweet”: you have to grab their attention, be succinct and speak genuinely or your ADHD son or daughter will smell a rat and stop listening immediately. Here are my tips for a Valentine’s Day with REAL heart for you and your ADHD child: 1. Talk to your family and set a time for Valentine’s Day cards, gifts or exchanges. It doesn’t have to be a big deal; just a time when everyone can be together. Make an agreement about the general plan: “We will be giving cards and not gifts.” Or, “We will give gifts that are homemade only.” Or, “No cards, no gifts, only chocolate.” Do what seems natural for your family. Participation is not mandatory but attendance is. 2. If you give cards, write a few things that your son or daughter does that you like. BE SPECIFIC. “I like how you hum when you eat your food.” “I love when you give me a hug before bed.” “I appreciate when you clear your plate after dinner.” “I like your sense of style, even though it’s different from mine.” If you are doing a verbal exchange, plan what you have to say so you it doesn’t seem like you are making things up at the last minute. 3. Red heart paper cut out with clothes pinWhen you get together as a family, share your cards or comments without elaborating or dwelling on them. Your ADHD son or daughter has a limited attention span and we want this to be fun. Lingering on topics, even if they are good ones, promotes distractedness. Reciprocity and connection, however brief, are the goals here. Enjoy an authentic Valentine’s Day! Please let me know how this goes!

What to Do When Your Child is Scared of the Dark

Monsters? Creepy noises? Frequent insomnia? Many children with and without ADHD struggle with going to bed, being in a dark room and falling asleep. Of course, it’s normal to be frightened of unfamiliar things. it’s also common for some kids with ADHD to struggle to turn off their brains even though their bodies are tired. For kids with ADHD, who struggle to manage strong emotions and can over-focus on particular thoughts, night-time fears can be especially problematic. Instead of you falling asleep in their bed or endlessly reassuring them, change your approach to one that creates confidence and happy slumber for everyone. Become their ally and take on the night dragons once and for all. Most kids tend to stay away from the stuff that scares them. Who doesn’t? Anxiety is a powerful force to contend with.  If they’re not exposed to it, then they’re not afraid. But avoidance and depending completely on you for comfort may feel good now but doesn’t help them in the long run.  They don’t learn essential skills for self-soothing and positive self-talk. People build courage by being afraid and doing it anyway. Comfort is important to give but it can’t be the only solution. Learning to tolerate discomfort in the dark takes time.  You will probably have to proceed slowly at first. Set up a plan by talking with your son or daughter about what frightens them, when they’ve managed to overcome that fear and how they did it. You want to identify successful nights and what made them work. Your child wants this to go away and so do you: that’s your mutual motivation for creating a collaborative plan.  The goal is to strengthen the side of them that wants to do it and make it bigger than the part that doesn’t. Use incentives with your plan such as points towards an activity they like (playing a game with you, additional screen time, etc.). This may sound crazy but let’s take riding a roller coaster. Instead of going on the biggest one or even the medium-sized one, you start with something small to build your confidence. Then if that goes well, you can try a larger one. Similarly, leaving your child alone in the dark may be too much right now. Make a game to check the closet and under the bed for unwanted “guests.” When it’s time to turn out the light, turn on a night light, keep the door open, maybe play some soothing music and leave a light on in the hallway. Limit your time hanging out with them to ten minutes and discuss this well before bedtime. Maybe you’ll need to sit in a chair at first, then by the door while humming  a favorite tune. When they’re doing a better job of managing the separation and falling asleep on their own, consider closing the door halfway. Maybe that’s enough. At some point, perhaps you can close the door completely and if you can’t that’s okay too.  The goal is to start doing small changes, let them feel successful and then tackle the bigger stuff. Be patient. Reducing night-time worries takes time, practice and some stumbling along the way. Stick with the plan you’ve both created for a few days, assess how it’s working together, and make any necessary adjustments. Let your child’s desire to do things differently guide you. Courage will naturally follow.

Bring Humor to Challenging Situations

Having a sense of humor when raising kids is an essential tool for any parent. Children can expand your heart and push your buttons like no one else. Being able to laugh at what happens, at your reactions and sometimes at life itself helps ease the journey. Everybody does things they’re proud of as a parent and things that they wish they hadn’t. Having compassion for yourself when you stumble enables you to giggle at your foibles without bombarding yourself with shame. Self-blame or criticism of others often intensifies small incidents into full-blown explosions. Maintaining a sense of humor reduces the chances of a conflagration.

As the parent, you need to set the example for your kids by using a tone that brings humor, boundaries and self-expression to challenging situations.  For example, when kids speak to you in a disrespectful tone, you have a choice. You can angrily tell them “You’re not allowed to speak to me that way. Go to your room.” Or, you can say: “Fresh is for vegetables, not speaking to me like that.” The first option throws fuel on the fire; the second one, dampens the flames. If you your teenage son gets into your car, plugs in his phone and listens to rap music that he knows you hate, you could tell him that he’s being selfish and entitled and unplug his phone. Or, you could learn some of the lyrics to his favorite songs and sing along. That will certainly change the dynamic in the car and likely make you both smile. You’re managing your own reaction with humor and not responding negatively. Using self-control and creativity to look at yourself and your reactions differently, you shift conversations and situations away from annoyance or aggravation by injecting some levity. You’re not only modeling this for your kids as an effective coping tool, you’ll feel better and they will too.