Parents, here’s how to talk to your teen about self care

“Talking to your teen about self care can be difficult, so we spoke with leading experts on teen psychology to find out the best way parents can approach their teens to talk–and what skills they recommend you try!”

From Mentally Fit Response by Dr. Sharon Saline: I am a clinical psychologist and author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. I specialize in working with kids, young adults and families living with ADHD, learning disabilities and mental health issues.

There are a few challenges that parents face when talking with or trying to help their teens.

Parents quickly move into problem-solving mode which usually doesn’t work for teens. They want to feel heard and met where they are but often parents tell them how to be different, how they ‘should be’. Sometimes parents are too reactive to their teens: afraid of what they’re hearing or angry when their ideas are rejected. When they become upset, it’s like throwing kindling on the fire of their kids’ issues. The conversation now involves two people whose emotions are running the show instead of only one.

Talking to a teen about self care has to start with compassion: accepting your child for who they are and acknowledging the efforts you see them making.

Teens are very quick to become defensive and dismissive. Using phrases such as “I notice” or “It seems like” is an effective way to communicate your observations without pushing them away. Then follow up with questions that encourage their participation in solving the problem: “What are your ideas about?” or “How can I support you in doing things differently?” Routines are helpful as long as they’re written down and posted somewhere. Otherwise, the parent becomes a reminder machine. It may seem juvenile to a teen but until that routine is firmly ensconced in their brains, having it written down is key.

Parents can help their kids by first and foremost setting a positive example of self-care and attention to wellbeing.

Being available to listen non-judgmentally and use reflective listening tools is extremely helpful for promoting honest, heartfelt discussions. Bedtime is usually a good time to connect with a teen and often when they want to chat. That can be tough for tired parents so set a limit around how long you’ll talk with them and prop open your eyes as best you can. Car rides are another natural, comfortable time to check in. Perhaps agree in advance to discuss 2 good things and 1 challenging thing about your days. Setting boundaries around screen time not only promotes mental health.

Seek additional support.

Finally, if you are arguing a lot with your teen or if they are showing atypical levels of anxiety, stress, isolation or negative moods, then seeking family or individual counseling them would be important. If they are resistant to going alone, then start with family work on improving your communication.


 

Important New Research Alert: What you can do to make sure your student gets what they need

A recent national study of approximately 2500 youth with ADHD ages 4 to 17 revealed some alarming findings about how the needs of students with ADHD are NOT being met. Although the majority of students were receiving one or more interventions, the authors, led by George DuPaul, Ph.D. of Lehigh University found that at least one in three students with ADHD received no school interventions even though they showed significant academic and social difficulties.[1] This is especially true for kids from non-English speaking and/or lower income families. Other shocking results: One in four students with ADHD had repeated a grade, one in six had been expelled from school. In addition, middle and high school students with ADHD were less likely than elementary school students to receive any school services despite similar if not worse academic and social functioning.[2] Honestly, I am quite distressed by the results of this study. Given that school is often the hardest area of functioning for kids with ADHD and there’s been so much professional development for educators about ADHD in the past decade, I guess I had naively believed that things were better than this. While this study sheds a glaring light on the lack of educational support and interventions for ALL kids with ADHD, those youngsters from non-English speaking families or those with fewer means have educational needs that are particularly neglected. Such disparities in who or who doesn’t get help means that education—a fundamental American value as the path for people to overcome racial and/or socioeconomic obstacles to find success on their own terms—is actually thwarting kids with ADHD. This is completely unacceptable. School-based interventions improve classroom behavior, academic performance and social relationships. For middle and high school with ADHD this current is particularly critical: they already run a higher risk for underachievement and dropping out. This current study also implies that services kids receive in elementary school are discontinued as they mature. It’s a sad irony I’ve seen too many times: when kids with ADHD have useful scaffolding and are doing better, the services are later withdrawn because of their success. Instead, these interventions need to remain in place to help with the increasing executive functioning demands for independence in middle and high school. What can you do to make sure your son or daughter is getting the services they need?

  1. If your child was given a diagnosis of ADHD by a primary care or mental health provider and has not received an IEP or 504 evaluation, call the school and set up a meeting right away. Since your son or daughter already has a diagnosis and meets criteria for one of these interventions, you are entitled to have a meeting. Don’t be afraid to be persistent.
  2. If your son or daughter already has an Individualized Educational Program, a 504 accommodation plan or a Functional Behavioral Assessment Plan, you can request an informal gathering of administrators, teachers and counselors to discuss the support services that are already in place. You many also ask for a formal team meeting to re-evaluate the existing IEP and make changes to it.
  3. I recommend at least one informal meeting of the people at school who know and/or teach your child or teen per year so that you discuss academic and social goals and set up a method of communication that works for everyone. It’s great if the student can participate in part of this meeting as well so their perspective is both heard and integrated into the plan.
  4. If you are unsure about the level of the services that your child is supposed to receive or unclear if the services are indeed being provided, then consider one of these options: A) Asking for someone (of your choice or the school’s) to observe your child in a few different environments at school and share those findings with you and the team; B) Consulting with someone outside of the school such as a learning specialist, ADHD coach or psychotherapist to review what’s in place for your student and make helpful suggestions; C) Speaking with an educational advocate to help you assess your situation and look at possible options.           

[1, 2] https://www2.lehigh.edu/news/george-dupaul-1-in-3-students-with-adhd-receive-no-school-interventions

Beat Back Negative Self-Talk with ‘Celebration’

On my recent work trip to CA, I had the privilege of meeting with a group of high school students with ADHD, LD and executive functioning challenges. As we talked about their experiences and brainstormed new strategies, one thing became abundantly clear. These kids carry around A LOT of shame about their struggles, more than I had even previously considered. When I asked them what they thought the ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback was in their lives, including what they told themselves, the overwhelming response was 1 to 30: one positive comment for 30 negative ones. Since the ideal positivity ratio according to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson is actually 3 to 1—three positive statement for every negative one, their revelation deeply saddened me. Why aren’t kids with ADHD hearing and absorbing acknowledgement about their efforts towards meeting responsibilities and goals and their successes when they do as much as what they could be doing differently or better? How can we help them develop healthy self-esteem and resilience when the dominant message is ‘do something or be someone different’? In my 5C’s of ADHD parenting, I emphasize Compassion, Consistency and Celebration. Compassion: Meet kids where they are and let them know that you understand and accept them even if they don’t understand or accept themselves. Consistency: Notice their efforting as much as their accomplishments. Celebration: Praise big and small accomplishments to counteract the persistent negative self-talk. Celebration—giving genuine acknowledgment and validation to your son or daughter—matters more than you think it may. Stay in the present as much as you can and keep your worries about how they will manage later in their lives at bay. So much growth and development will happen between now and independent adulthood that you can’t possibly envision yet. What kids with ADHD clearly need most is help NOW feeling better about themselves. You CAN help them with this. Ask them for 2 or 3 highlights of the day when you pick them up after school or while you’re eating dinner. Give them a high five when they hang up their coat or a quick verbal appreciation when they put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Try to focus more on the good stuff so they can too.


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