
Mentally Fit: How to Talk to Your Teen About Self Care

“Talking to your teen about self care can be difficult, so we spoke with leading experts on teen psychology to find out the best way parents can approach their teens to talk–and what skills they recommend you try!”
From Mentally Fit Response by Dr. Sharon Saline: I am a clinical psychologist and author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. I specialize in working with kids, young adults and families living with ADHD, learning disabilities and mental health issues.
Parents quickly move into problem-solving mode which usually doesn’t work for teens. They want to feel heard and met where they are but often parents tell them how to be different, how they ‘should be’. Sometimes parents are too reactive to their teens: afraid of what they’re hearing or angry when their ideas are rejected. When they become upset, it’s like throwing kindling on the fire of their kids’ issues. The conversation now involves two people whose emotions are running the show instead of only one.
Teens are very quick to become defensive and dismissive. Using phrases such as “I notice” or “It seems like” is an effective way to communicate your observations without pushing them away. Then follow up with questions that encourage their participation in solving the problem: “What are your ideas about?” or “How can I support you in doing things differently?” Routines are helpful as long as they’re written down and posted somewhere. Otherwise, the parent becomes a reminder machine. It may seem juvenile to a teen but until that routine is firmly ensconced in their brains, having it written down is key.
Being available to listen non-judgmentally and use reflective listening tools is extremely helpful for promoting honest, heartfelt discussions. Bedtime is usually a good time to connect with a teen and often when they want to chat. That can be tough for tired parents so set a limit around how long you’ll talk with them and prop open your eyes as best you can. Car rides are another natural, comfortable time to check in. Perhaps agree in advance to discuss 2 good things and 1 challenging thing about your days. Setting boundaries around screen time not only promotes mental health.
Finally, if you are arguing a lot with your teen or if they are showing atypical levels of anxiety, stress, isolation or negative moods, then seeking family or individual counseling them would be important. If they are resistant to going alone, then start with family work on improving your communication.
[1, 2] https://www2.lehigh.edu/news/george-dupaul-1-in-3-students-with-adhd-receive-no-school-interventions
On my recent work trip to CA, I had the privilege of meeting with a group of high school students with ADHD, LD and executive functioning challenges. As we talked about their experiences and brainstormed new strategies, one thing became abundantly clear. These kids carry around A LOT of shame about their struggles, more than I had even previously considered. When I asked them what they thought the ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback was in their lives, including what they told themselves, the overwhelming response was 1 to 30: one positive comment for 30 negative ones.
Since the ideal positivity ratio according to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson is actually 3 to 1—three positive statement for every negative one, their revelation deeply saddened me. Why aren’t kids with ADHD hearing and absorbing acknowledgement about their efforts towards meeting responsibilities and goals and their successes when they do as much as what they could be doing differently or better? How can we help them develop healthy self-esteem and resilience when the dominant message is ‘do something or be someone different’? In my 5C’s of ADHD parenting, I emphasize Compassion, Consistency and Celebration. Compassion: Meet kids where they are and let them know that you understand and accept them even if they don’t understand or accept themselves. Consistency: Notice their efforting as much as their accomplishments. Celebration: Praise big and small accomplishments to counteract the persistent negative self-talk.
Celebration—giving genuine acknowledgment and validation to your son or daughter—matters more than you think it may. Stay in the present as much as you can and keep your worries about how they will manage later in their lives at bay. So much growth and development will happen between now and independent adulthood that you can’t possibly envision yet. What kids with ADHD clearly need most is help NOW feeling better about themselves. You CAN help them with this. Ask them for 2 or 3 highlights of the day when you pick them up after school or while you’re eating dinner. Give them a high five when they hang up their coat or a quick verbal appreciation when they put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Try to focus more on the good stuff so they can too.