Month: July 2019

UPJOURNEY: Signs Your Marriage is Over

Deciding that it’s time to end a marriage is complicated. Sometimes people arrive at this choice quickly based on an experience of betrayal from an affair or financial misdeeds. Click logo below to read more.

SheKnows: What Your Kid Needs to Know to Stay Safe in College

Starting college is one of the most exciting milestones in your child’s life, and every parent wants the experience to be both educational and enjoyable for their kid. That’s why it’s so important to have open, honest conversations about college safety — from drinking culture to sexual assault, knowledge is power. And students should have exactly that: the knowledge (and tools) to protect both themselves and each other. Click logo below to read more.

Recent College Grads: Adjustments, Parents’ Role, Jobs and Adult Life

What are some of the adjustments that recent college grad kids will be making?

Recent college grads have many adjustments to make. Not only are they saying good-bye to many of their friends, a familiar surrounding and a student lifestyle, but they are also facing the uncertainty of what comes next. Even if someone has a job and an apartment lined up (these are huge things to swing for many recent college grads), they are leaving behind a structure of  going to school and an identity of being a student. Friends disperse, they are responsible for paying their own bills, and self-sufficient adulthood, while longed for, can be overwhelming. Many new college grads aren’t accustomed to creating and living on a budget, shopping for and cooking meals and making plans to spend time with friends instead of bumping into them at the cafeteria. It’s a huge shift in many areas simultaneously. 

How can parents and loved ones can help ease the transition?

It’s important that parents and loved ones acknowledge the enormity of this transition and don’t compare their own experiences with those of their children. Things have changed a lot and many young adults struggle under the burden of huge financial debt, a high cost of living and a tight job market. Staying compassionate, offering to assist them and collaborate on tasks and being available to talk through emotions related to this change is most helpful. Don’t solve issues: offer your suggestions and avoid getting hurt if they aren’t taken. Young adults often like to figure things out for themselves, which means trial-and-error learning. Sometimes the best support you can give is managing your own frustrations, sharing your feelings without blame or guilt and validating their successes. 

What are some tips for applying to jobs, moving home, and how to adapt a healthy routine in adult life?

Having a daily routine offers structure and freedom. It’s critical to set aside a specific period of time for applying to jobs each day so this activity has boundaries. Looking for job can be exciting but it’s also tedious and sometimes deflating. It can spread into all aspects of your life as the list of things you should be doing keeps growing. Avoidance accompanies discouragement and overwhelm. Talk with your son or daughter about marking off a few hours each day (preferably in the morning to get it over with) for job hunting online, responding to emails or dropping off resumes. This will assist them in feeling accomplished each day and competent as well because they’ve done something in a time frame that they laid out. Then they can do whatever they want. Help young adults limit screen time: advocate for doing other things that interest them and make them feel good. Exercise, time with friends, shopping and cooking with you–these are all activities that contribute to healthy living. Teach them how to shop, balance their bank account, make a budget and understand their health/car insurances. These skills are not necessarily second-nature and it’s very common for recent college grads to need extra support in learning them.

Anxiety and Resilience

Anxiety is a physiological response related to a perceived danger and worried, negative thinking. Basic fight or flight responses are triggered from worries and these reactions are usually disproportionate to the concern at hand.

Worry can be productive or poisonous. Productive worry is worry about doing things–completing homework or getting to work on time –and can be helpful in getting things done. Poisonous worry is worry about things you can’t control–the ultimate demise of the planet or whether people like you–and can be debilitating. The first step to dealing effectively with anxiety is to determine which type of worry you are dealing with. Then, engage the thinking brain to slow down the tidal wave of anxiety and emotion volcano by doing two things:

  1. Rely on past experiences of successfully overcoming anxiety and applying those skills to this moment.
  2. Engage in a worse-case scenario by asking “And then what?” repeatedly until you land at the illogical end.

This process works with kids and adults.  I give you more specifics in this Youtube video and in this handout.

Got an anxious high schooler with ADHD? Help is here.

Many teens today feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious, especially those who are out-of-the-box thinkers. Life seems constantly demanding and stressful. With the executive functioning challenges that are typical of ADHD brains, it’s even harder for them to regulate intense feelings.  Routine concerns can quickly balloon into outright panic.  Approximately 35% of kids with ADHD have also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. In my clinical experience, this number seems higher. After hearing over the years about about the ways that they miss the mark, don’t measure up and differ from other kids, these kids develop an internal vigilance–a nervousness–about the next time they will inadvertently stumble, what people will think of them and how to deal with the inevitable consequences. These worries fosters overt or covert anxiety. I’ve asked teens with ADHD to describe the two things that cause them the most anxiety. Here’s what they’ve told me that they wish adults knew:

    1. They can’t keep up with 24/7 demands of their lives–whether it’s in real time or on social media. They struggle to regulate themselves regarding technology, understand social nuances and keep track of events and responsibilities. Their parents don’t see or understand all of the nuances they are dealing with.

Solution: Despite their words or actions to the contrary, teens actually want their parents to set limits on technology and help them manage. Parents, befriend your children on all social media outlets and help them manage FOMO. Talk with your teens about appropriate responses to relationship challenges both online and in person. Help them distinguish when to engage and how. Create screen-free family time at meals. Ask them to share an online, Youtube or musical interest or hobby with you so you can understand and participate in their world 

    1. They feel enormous pressure about school, the college process and what to do after high school. Some teens with ADHD drive themselves too hard, over-focus on achieving good grades and keeping up with their friends. Going to the ‘right’ college becomes more important than pursuing what best fits their interests. Other kids, in the face of repeated academic difficulties, adopt a “why bother even trying” attitude. They’ve lost the interest and impetus to make efforts. Too often, in all of these scenarios, parents will push their children based on their expectations of who they think their teen should be. Arguments and disappointment abound.  

Solution: Meet your teen where they are, not where you want them to be or think they should be. Development is an organic process that doesn’t necessarily unfold in a linear fashion. This is especially true for kids with ADHD, learning differences or high functioning autism. Their brains need more time to mature and they may benefit from an alternative path for a while until things fall more into place. Be open to thinking about alternatives. Maybe your son who likes video games and art might be better suited for a vocational program in computer design than conventional academics. Perhaps your daughter who excels at soccer but hates writing might benefit from being an assistant coach for a gap year. Offer guidance and support with an open mind.  Of course, you can’t erase your teen’s anxiety. But, you can help them reduce it by monitoring their overwhelm, showing interest in their on-screen activities and keeping perspective on post-high school options.

Parentology: How Splitting Time Between Two Homes Impacts Children

By Joe Thompson When a couple decides to get a divorce, they usually worry about how to break the news to their children and what their reactions will be. Then comes the discussions splitting time between two homes, and the impact this decision may have on the kids. Joint custody is the solution provided by many family courts, divorce lawyers and therapists. But, is it all it’s cracked up to be? Here is a closer look at how splitting time between two homes impacts children. Click logo below to read more.