Frustrated by Inconsistent Progress? Change Your Expectations and Nurture Efforting

It happened again. Tonight when you went to take your daughter’s phone for the evening, she argued with you. Even though, you’ve had this conversation for the millionth time yesterday, she pushed back again today. Exasperated by her lack of recall and self-control and expecting a different outcome, you lost it. The evening ended in a collective meltdown.

 Expectations, whether they’re reasonable or unrealistic, often lead to frustration, disappointment and anger. When you wish your child was acting differently, when you notice that they’re unable to consistently perform a task or when you inadvertently set a goal that they can’t achieve, it’s not only discouraging but also demoralizing. Like Goldilocks and the three bears, it can be tough sometimes to know what task levels are just right for your child’s growing capabilities.

Ideally, you want your child or teen with ADHD to have a variety of tasks in their lives. These include things that they can do easily and independently, some things are challenging that require some adult support and a few things that are reach items. Reach items are tasks or chores that kids can’t do without your help and you’d like them to learn. It’s really important that you assess their abilities in relation to these different levels of tasks so that you can express support rather than judgment. Instead of expressing your frustration with their inability to put their clothes in the hamper today when they did it for the past three days, your goal is to notice their efforting–their attempts to work on a desired goal. Is three days in a row better than one day last week? Neutral expectations–ones in which you expect progress amidst inevitable setbacks–are what matters most. You acknowledge when your daughter clears the table without asking tonight but you don’t expect that this is the new normal immediately until you see it unfolding more often than not. It takes extra time, repetition and cueing for the ADHD brain to learn routines and life skills. Paying attention to the positive helps encode these behaviors more effectively.

Life with a child or teen with ADHD is filled with periods of two steps forward and one step back. Rather that being surprised and disappointed by this pattern, expect the stumbles. Remember that your son or daughter is doing the best they can with the resources available to them in a given moment. If they can’t follow through, it’s because they can’t access the right thing to do right then due to their executive functioning skill challenges. These abilities takes more time, repetition and patience to develop than for neurotypical brains.

By reframing your expectations, not abandoning them, you acknowledge your child’s progress and nurture their self-esteem.

 

Negative Assumptions about Students with Disabilities

Yes, we are all more than our diagnosis, but negative assumptions about students with disabilities run rampant in our culture.

Often kids with learning disabilities are seen as less intelligent or competent by peers or adults.  Sadly, they may begin to believe that they are ‘less than,’ lower their expectations for themselves and isolate from friends. 

The current trend in US education is towards the integration of different types of learners in elementary and secondary school classrooms, not creating homogeneous learning situations. These diverse environments help break down barriers between young people and offer valuable opportunities for them to connect. They reduce the stigma associated with having a learning disability and being seen as ‘different’ in a judgmental light.  A child who may be dyslexic but quick with math will see other students who also juggle their own strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps someone writes well but spells poorly or another student excels at algebra but struggles with geometry. Maybe the kickball game at recess levels the academic playing field and what happens in the classroom is long forgotten with a winning home run. 

In my book, “What your ADHD child wishes you knew: Working together to empower kids for success in school and life,” I interviewed dozens of kids with ADHD who told me, overwhelmingly, that they do not like being singled out because they have ADHD. They consider it a part of who they are—not the whole story—and they are trying their best to figure out how to accept the brains they have and spend time doing what they love. Often, they turn to non-ADHD friends for feedback, guidance and support. One high school senior told me that she really benefits from doing homework with her non-ADHD boyfriend because he notices when she’s spacing out and calls her back to the task at hand. Another boy is grateful to his group of friends who patiently repeat something in a group conversation if he misses it as they all laugh together. These kids want to do well and fit in as much as any teen. 

Inclusion programs provide essential interactions and relationships between kids, replacing feelings of isolation with normalcy. Ultimately what matters is who a person is, not what they can or can’t do. Kids are much more likely to take this perspective when they have natural, unforced contact with each other.

Psychology Today: You’ve Got A Job—Now What?

When you’ve landed a steady job, whether it’s full or part-time, it’s very exciting to make and have your own money. Managing that money, though, can often be challenging. Learn how to manage your money effectively. Click logo below to read more.

Teen Hormones and the ADHD brain? Helping Kids in Transition

As they enter adolescence, boys and girls with ADHD may not be able to articulate what is swirling around inside of them. Quick to react and then make inappropriate choices, they may not be aware of what triggers them or how to manage themselves differently. When the floodgates release, their feelings overwhelm them. Sometimes the intensity of these moments reflects their changing hormones; other times, it’s connected to their frustration of living with ADHD. It’s hard to tell the difference. 

The onset of puberty in boys and girls, especially those with ADHD, can also increase their reactivity and sensitivity to anxiety, anger and later, shame about how they’ve behaved. Both estrogen and testosterone have a direct effect on the brain’s neurotransmitters. Their outbursts are showing you that they need help developing skills for self-regulation and understanding what’s happening in their bodies and brains. 

Here are a few things you can do to assist them:

  1. Arrange an appointment with his or her pediatrician to discuss the behavioral changes you’ve been seeing at home and talk about how and why hormones contribute to them. It’s important that the doctor knows what is happening and may have some suggestions for both of you. 
  2. Collaborate with your son or daughter to find ways to deal with their agitation. Given fluctuating hormones and the challenges of living with ADHD, you can’t expect to stop big feelings from happening. What you can do is create a plan to deal with them before they actually erupt. Sit down together and talk about the triggers that you both notice lead up to these explosions. Look for the patterns and focus on them instead of the content. Review any signs that indicate something’s changing. What does he notice is occurring in his body? What behaviors does she start to display? Make a list of these observations.
  3. When things heat up, you’ve got to slow them down. Talk about what has helped in the past when intense feeling arose. Which of these could be used now?  Ask what you can do (and what you can avoid) that would support him or her in developing self-control in those moments? Connect these ideas to your previous observations. Write a list of  these options and post them in your kitchen.

If your son or daughter continues to struggle, consider going to see a therapist. Counseling can be extremely useful in assisting kids with ADHD and their parents to understand triggers that set them off, improve their ability to talk about what’s happening and reduce anxiety and anger and create options when emotions run high. 

Manage big feelings better: Reduce triggers by noticing bodily signals

For kids with ADHD, managing intense emotions can be extra tough. In the heat of the moment, it’s hard for any of us to hold it together and act the way we’d like to. Breathing techniques, calming phrases or taking a walk are great options that tend to go out the window when you’re angry, frustrated or afraid. Instead, we yell, cry or say inappropriate things.  When confronted by a tidal wave of big feelings, kids with ADHD especially struggle to access the parts of themselves that know how to make effective, positive choices. Their weaker executive functioning skills aren’t yet developed enough to exert emotional and verbal control and they often can’t recall how they should be responding. Instead of trying to stop these strong emotions or argue with your son or daughter about their irrational reaction, we have to help kids notice and respond to what’s happening inside of them.  Practicing and teaching self-regulation requires acting like the GPS in your car: you neutrally observe that you’re off course, stop going in that direction and  choose a new route. You notice the physiological signs that you are activated (increased heart rate, perspiration, louder voice), you pause (take a deep breath, change your location and consider what’s most important right now) and you re-direct (make a choice that’s different than a typical reaction).  Since most children and teens with ADHD are still cultivating self-awareness, they’ll need your help to detect the signs that a tidal wave is building inside of them. By identifying the pattern of what triggers them and the bodily signs that something is off, you work as a team to reduce their reactivity and decrease their triggers. They’ll feel start to feel a greater sense of self-control and you’ll feel less frustrated with their outbursts.  Follow these steps:

  1. In a calm moment, talk with your son or daughter about things that set them off.  What are the bodily responses that signal something is escalating? Usually people have a physical reaction when something bothers them, but they can’t catch their reaction fast enough to make a calmer choice. Share a few ways that you can tell when you are agitated. 
  2. What would they like to do differently and how could you assist them? How could you cue them to respond differently without being provocative? Offer a few of your observations of their behavior and some ideas for alternative choices. Make a list of these and post it in a space that you can all refer to for support in a tough moment. 
  3. Acknowledge all attempts to follow a suggestion on the list as well as successes. Efforting in this area matters a great deal even if it’s not consistent because practice makes progress. Tell them specific ways that you notice this progress and how you appreciate it. 

When you work together to identify triggers and manage the big feelings that accompany them, you’re helping your child or teen build those critical executive functioning skills of self-regulation and self-awareness. It may seem like one slow step at a time but you’re still moving forward!