Hi there— Do you feel disconnected from your teens? Are rolling eyes and door slamming a part of your everyday life? Would you like more cooperation and less frustration in your family? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I want to recommend this for you. My friend, Zhanna Shybaila, educator, behavior specialist, and mentor for teenagers, has put together a terrific summit all about parenting teens. “Unleash their poTEENtial:” How to empower your teens to improve their self-image, master social skills, and get them fully engaged in their own lives starts tomorrow August 31. There are 20 speakers who have come together to share their knowledge on the well-being of teens and how to strengthen family relationships. I have a complimentary ticket for YOU to attend. Just enter your name and email in the box on this page and hit “get access.” You can register using this link: https://unleashtheirpoteential.com/SharonS In this summit, Zhanna and I had a great talk about ADHD and learning differences, reducing everyday stress and cooperation during COVID. This presentation will not only discuss how can parents support our teens during homeschooling, but also about how we help them to organize their school routine, so they would be less distractive during school hours. We’ll look at if you need to monitor teens’ work time, how much can you trust their independence, managing screen time and improving executive functioning skills for teen and young adults. I hope that you’ll check this out because I think you will find a lot of value in the sessions. Best, Sharon P.S. In case you’re wondering who the speakers are, here are some of them: Gene Carroccia- ADHDology, Bob Dietrich- ADHD toolbox, James Anderson- Mindset, “Mindful by Design”, Stephane Provencher- “Billionaire Parenting”, Chuck Geddes- Complex Trauma Resources, Joan Rosenberg- Anxiety, Emotional Mastery, Sharon Saline- ADHD, Learning differences, mental health, Christina Bjorndal- Trauma healing, Rose Buono-Stress Assessment, and Hypnotherapy and of course yours truly Sharon Saline- on ADHD and learning differences.
Month: August 2020
Millennial Loneliness and Depression
It can be hard to make friends as adults:
People often feel like it’s hard to make friends as an adult because, quite frankly, it is. When we are in college or technical school, we have a community made for us and we share common goals and interests. We spend time each day or week together. You don’t have to look far for peers because they are all around you. Once young adults have transitioned to living on their and working full-time, the social networks are less obvious. You may have friends at work or you may not. In addition, you may be living in a new place where you lack historical connections to people or a familiar community. Be shy and/or suffering from social anxiety doesn’t help either. Millennial loneliness and depression is real and a challenge to cope with.
Social media increases millennial loneliness:
Women in particular are socialized to develop a sense of themselves based on their relationships. These interpersonal networks help define us and give us purpose. Social media increases loneliness: women have superficial contact with others, often based on short text exchanges, photos or quick responses. Girls and women are developing an inner notion of who they are based on the number of likes they have and how engaged they are online with others. Ultimately, these ways of relating with others are less satisfying than in-person conversations, time spent together and sharing real time experiences.
Aim for Balance:
To build a community, aim for balance between social media and real time interactions. Folks need a few friends, not an entire posse, to feel like they matter and make a difference. Meet up with friends and talk in person more than texting, Snapchat or Instagram conversations. Pursue what interests you and join a club, take a class or volunteer for an organization. By participating in these activities, you’ll make natural relationships, share experiences and build a stronger sense of self to feel less lonely and more fulfilled.
Watch Dr. Saline’s advice on depression, loneliness and teens and millennials.
Learn more:
22 News Mass Appeal: Back to School Week: Start The New School Year With The Right Study Habits
(Mass Appeal) – Did your kids struggle in the spring with remote learning? It’s important to start the new school year off on the right foot. Here with some study tips for hybrid and remote learning is clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline Click logo below to read more.
4 Straight-forward, Practical Hacks for Managing Your Anxiety TODAY
It’s natural for parents to feel stressed and anxious right now. Whether
your kids are going back to school in person or a hybrid learning situation, there are complicated issues facing families everywhere. Anxiety wants security and certainty and, with COVID related risks, we just don’t have much of that these days. To help you manage your anxiety, try these tools:
- Identify what you can control: Rather than focusing on what might happen and the possible negative outcomes from that, shift your attention to proactive action. What steps can you take to protect your child and yourself as much as possible? Get as informed as you can about your school’s policies and decide whether those make sense to
you and your family. If not, explore what choices make you feel most comfortable. Give your student the tools they’ll need. Provide your child or teen with masks and hand sanitizer. Show them what physical distancing looks like: use a tape measure to demonstrate six feet. Review hand-washing techniques and the importance of not sharing food or drinks. Set up a routing of hand sanitization when they come home from school. - Brainstorm solutions to challenging social situations: Your kids will need some help figuring out what to say when other kids aren’t wearing masks or social distancing. When you work on this together, you’ll lower your anxiety as well as theirs. Create a few easy-to-remember statements with them such as “I’d like to play with you during recess. Will you wear a mask to make it safe for us?” Or, “I’m sorry but I’m not sharing my lunch these days but your sandwich sure looks good.” Or, “I’d love to come over and hang out but I have to check with my parents.” When kids have clear language that gives them a way out of sticky situations, they’ll be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This will be reassuring for you.
- Put a centering activity into your daily routine: Whether it’s five or
thirty minutes of meditation or yoga, a walk, run or bike ride outside or dancing to your favorite song each morning, find something that makes you feel good and do it. We need those wonderful endorphins from exercise now more than ever. The benefits from daily yoga and/or meditation will help you practice how to monitor your reactivity and use your breath or slow movements to calm yourself down during those inevitable stressful moments. Make a list of quick calm-me-down activities when you feel nervous that includes changing your environment (go to a different room or get a breath of fresh air), drinking a glass of water, saying a positive affirmation that you believe or going to the bathroom and splashing water on your face. - Recall past successes in times of stress: Anxiety is very skilled at fostering amnesia about our personal resources and strengths. In a quiet moment, think about some challenging times in the past and how you overcame them. What personality traits and life skills assisted you? How can you apply those strengths to this situation? Write down some of your reflections so you can refer to them in a tough time. Ask for support from caring friends and family members to help you use some of these tools when you’re feeling particularly worried.
Help! My Teen is So Unmotivated This Summer!
Teens experience a few types of academic burnout depending on their individual situations. For neurotypical kids, academic burnout usually arises towards the end of the semester when they are burdened with final tests, projects and paper in addition to their other commitments such as sports, music or theater or work. For high-achieving kids who are taking AP classes, preparing for AP tests can add to their stress. For juniors in high school who additionally have to take the SAT’s or ACT’s for college, it can be overwhelming. They can become exhausted with how much they have to do.
Neurotypical Kids:
As a parent of these types of teens, your primary job is helping them maintain balance and perspective in their lives. Work with them to create a study/life schedule that allows for some down time each day. Don’t orchestrate what they should do during that time though. Instead brainstorm some healthy options other than screens such as cooking, walking the dog, going for a run, listening to music or even watching a single show with you. If they want to mess around on their phone a bit to “chill”, keep it (like tv) time limited. Teen brains especially need some non-screen to decompress and integrate all of the information they are learning and processing during the day.
Neurodiverse Kids:
For kids with ADHD, learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorders, burnout can occur more frequently and more intensely. Working hard to hold it together at school all day takes a lot of effort and concentration for these teens. They spend a lot of their time doing academic tasks that are hard, boring or unpleasant. By mid-semester, their efforts may not be panning out as they had hoped and they become discouraged and uninterested in doing the work.
While the recommendations above for neurotypical kids apply equally to these teens, teens who are outside-the-box thinkers benefit from additional parental support in creating shorter work periods with timed breaks, specific tasks to accomplish in those work periods and acknowledgement of their efforts towards working towards goals, even if they are not fully met. This validation encourages them to keep going. Family work time, when parents and kids work side-by-side on their stuff, also helps teens stay on track because adults can monitor them without being intrusive.
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Dealing with Defiant ADHD Teens and Tweens in this Strange COVID Summer
Now, more than ever, there seems to be very little we can predict and hold onto. Everyday, we hear new reports about climbing COVID cases as we struggle to practice safety measures, keep up with work, manage bored kids and keep our sanity intact. It can all feel too much to handle. Of course, in the midst of trying to keep your head above the water, there’s nothing like a defiant ADHD teen or tween to put you over the edge. How do you cope with the overwhelming stress? What can you do to help your child manage their big feelings and reduce family conflict?
Why teens and tweens with ADHD are engaging in more defiant behavior
Angry and frustrated with the many changes to their lives wrought by COVID, and feeling helpless to do anything, many kids are acting out in ways that are often inappropriate. It seems that they’ve taken a giant step backwards in managing their distress. With their executive functioning challenges related to emotional and impulse control, scattered kids are prone to intense pushback and aggressive anger. 
Teens and tweens with ADHD, whose brains mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers, are particularly torn between what they would like to be capable of doing and what they can actually accomplish. They’re often very frustrated with themselves, and, unable to tolerate their shame, act out their personal dissatisfaction towards others–often their parents. They unconsciously want you to make it better for them, just like a young child would. Teens are still struggling with how to tolerate disappointment appropriately and how to pivot when faced with limits they don’t like. With all of the changes surrounding COVID and losses of familiar and beloved activities, the natural challenges with shifting, flexibility and planning for transitions for many kids with ADHD are intensified. Of course, when they are triggered, emotional and verbal impulse control fly out of the window.
Underneath all of their bluster, many defiant ADHD teens and tweens suffer from low self-esteem and shame. They need tools for expressing themselves appropriately and signs of parental support for their attempts to use these techniques, even if they’re not completely successful. You’ve got to remember that, while they may seem to enjoy the sense of power in the moment, they really don’t like the conflict any more than you do. It’s just that they lack certain skills which could help them.
Steps to disrupting cycles of defiance for ADHD teens and tweens:
1. Acknowledge their frustration:
Instead of convincing your defiant ADHD teen or tween why things aren’t the way that they perceive them, validate their feelings. Mirror what you hear them saying with language like, “I hear that you are upset about X” or, “What you’re telling me is Y.” When kids feel seen and heard, they’ll begin to slow down.
2. Set ground rules about acceptable behavior:
Discuss with your kids what ways of expressing anger or displeasure is appropriate and what are not. Be specific about language and physical actions. In addition, set up incentives for cooperating and logical consequences for obstruction. For instance, “If you curse at me, you will not earn the privilege of your phone for the rest of the day.” Or, “If you can go through a day and not scream or break something, you’ll earn extra screen time.” Work with incentives that matter to them.
3. Plan for arguments:
Let’s face it, you will get into fights. Instead of being surprised each time this happens, identify signs that you are heading into the red zone and how to take a planned, timed break. Make a list of acceptable choices for this “Calm-me-down” time and post it in the kitchen and bedrooms. Separate for an agreed-upon time until you can re-convene without hot tempers from defiant ADHD teens or tweens. For some kids, this break may need to be a few hours. That’s okay.
4. Decide what’s next:
Instead of trying to teach a lesson, talk about what’s needed to move on. Ask questions, listen and reflect back what you hear. Wonder about alternative choices you both could have made in that instant or could make in the future. Collaborate on an action for moving on. Refer back to your agreement about ground rules while staying compassionate but firm. You can talk about any lessons at another time, perhaps the next day in the car or perhaps at a scheduled hour. It’s really important to notice and validate the activities and emotions that your defiant teen is becoming triggered. This type of validation will lower their rage and shame. Your goal is to cool the flames in the moment and follow your collaborative agreement. Teaching lessons will come later.
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Feeling low? Tips for keeping your sense of humor amidst the uncertainty
It’s really tough to stand in uncertainty and, right now, people around the globe are facing this challenge as best they can. With all of the confusion about whether to send kids back to school and how to manage hybrid or home learning while working, many parents are wrestling with anxiety, frustration and hopelessness. There are just no clear guidelines about what to do or how to move forward. As parents of kids with ADHD, you’re used to facing struggles at home. Issues related to impulsivity, inattention, disorganization among other executive functioning skills can fray your nerves when there’s not a pandemic. Living in close quarters, dealing with food, housing, work or educational insecurity, you’ve probably lost your temper a few more times recently than you would have liked. While regrets can foster change, judging yourself unkindly only makes matter worse. Instead, let’s try to practice self-compassion through humor. Having a sense of humor when raising kids is an essential tool for any parent. Children can expand your heart and push your buttons like no one else. Being able to laugh at what happens, at your reactions and sometimes at life itself helps ease the journey, especially right now. Everybody does things they’re proud of as a parent and things that they wish they hadn’t. Having compassion for yourself when you stumble enables you to giggle at your foibles without bombarding yourself with shame. Self-blame or criticism of others often intensifies small incidents into full-blown explosions. Maintaining a sense of humor reduces the chances of a conflagration. 
As the parent, you need to set the example for your kids by using a tone that brings humor, boundaries and self-reflection to the unprecedented situations we are facing. For example, when your child or teen with ADHD speaks to you in a disrespectful tone, you have a choice. You can angrily tell them “You’re not allowed to speak to me that way. Go to your room.” Or, you can say: “Fresh is for vegetables, not speaking to me like that.” The first option throws fuel on the fire; the second one, dampens the flames. If your teenage son gets into your car, plugs in his phone and listens to rap music loudly that he knows you hate, you could tell him that he’s being selfish and entitled and unplug his phone. Or, you could learn some of the lyrics to his favorite songs and sing along. That will certainly change the dynamic in the car and likely make you both smile. You’re managing your own reaction with humor and not responding negatively. We need some laughs–any humor–to alleviate our stress and worrying. I’m not talking about ignoring the complex reality you are dealing with, but rather pivoting to something lighter temporarily. Put some reminders about positive attitudes and quick comebacks. Consider watching some old family videos (kids love to see themselves when they were younger); make a family movie night with favorite comedy and popcorn; play a silly game together (Mad Libs, charades, Sorry); crank the music and dance in your living room. Using self-control and creativity to look at yourself and your reactions differently, you shift conversations and situations away from annoyance or aggravation by injecting some levity. You’re not only modeling this for your kids as an effective coping tool, you’ll feel better and they will too.
22 News Mass Appeal: Reducing Anxiety by Shifting From Worry to Wonder
(Mass Appeal) – Look at how much worrying you’ve done over the past few months. Imagine in the future you took all the time you would’ve spent worrying and shifted that to be more inquisitive by wondering in a positive way? Dr. Sharon Saline explains how this simple change can have an enormous effect on your personal well being. Click logo below to read more.
