6 Helpful Tips for Dealing with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Teen boy with ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria, sitting on a chair, looking down to the side with his arms crossed, unhappy, while his teacher speaks to him.

What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

ADHD has a large group of companions that like to come along for the ride, whether that’s anxiety and depression, learning disabilities, or autism. Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), while not a formal diagnostic category, describes experiences that often occur with ADHD. People struggle with letting go of past hurts and/or rejection and struggle with heightened emotional sensitivity. They may hold onto unkind words or actions directed towards them for months or years. RSD can also reflect a personal belief that you have let someone down. Because many ADHD children and adults may already experience a feeling of otherness, they often already feel like they are at a disadvantage. We live in a society that teaches us to be people-pleasers. This makes it even harder to avoid sensitivities. Here are some great tips to help you work with rejection sensitivity and reduce its tumultuous effects, whether you need a little reassurance or you’re helping a loved one who is struggling.

How to Manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

1. Combat rejection by reinforcing strengths

What everyone needs to remember is that simply having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria does not make you a human who is weak or incapable. You are just wired to feel things more intensely and replay unpleasant interpersonal interactions over and over. RSD is linked to social insecurity. A helpful tip is to consistently reinforce the strengths of your child or teen with ADHD. What do they love to do? What do they do well? Acknowledging their work, acknowledging their positive efforts and rewarding activities really helps them feel more confident. It can also help them see things from a new perspective and shift from negative self-talk about rejection. This can encourage them to approach future situations bravely as well.

2. QTIP – Quit Taking It Personally!

Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle to separate when a statement is directed specifically at them or when it’s something more general. They take things personally that may not be personal. Assist your child or teen to pause before responding to a question or answer by saying, “That’s a good question/comment. Let me think about it.” Then, they can better assess what’s being said. Remind them that other people can say thoughtless or hurtful things sometimes that are more about them than you. The rejection they perceive may not be purposeful.

3. Develop affirmations

Developing mantras or affirmations assists in reducing the noise of negative thoughts that can come with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Try positive phrases like:

      • “I am stronger than I think.”
      • “My mind is uniquely wired and creative.”
      • “I can make a mistake and be a good person.”
      • “I can take risks and see what happens.”

Sit down with your child or teen and brainstorm some things to say to the negative voice in their heads. Post them somewhere they can see and recall them when they need a boost. Maybe even make time in the morning or before bed when you both say your own affirmations. Starting your day with a positive thought can really help when feelings of doubt creep in. This is also a fun evening activity that can calm them before sleep.

4. Remember that all emotions are valid

As parents, we never want our kids to feel bad. It can be extremely difficult to watch them struggle with sensitivity issues or peer rejection. When someone struggles with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, they have often lost hope in their social abilities, been unable to forgive themselves for what happened and feel shame about their experiences and their emotions. It is very important to remind them that every emotional experience is valid. Offer a listening ear to hear about what big feelings they may have. Be supportive without problem-solving.

5. Be prepared to handle outbursts

Anger is a notable side-effect in people diagnosed with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Many people internalize their emotional responses. This can be harmful, especially over extended periods of time. They may lash out as a result, or react in ways that are not as kind as you would like. If you are working with the sensitivities of a child or teenager with ADHD, it could be beneficial to have an action plan when experiencing a notable outburst. Use my Stop, Think, Act tools, pre-arranged ‘time aparts’ to cool down, or other relaxation techniques to cope with outbursts. There may be some benefit to having a room or area designated for your child to slow down and recover.

6. Emphasize family connection

Adolescent girl with ADHD planting in a garden with her family in the sunshine As always, connecting with your family is important. Engaging in fun and memorable activities can really help reduce emotional sensitivities related to acceptance. This will allow your kids to rediscover and nurture the joy of being together, instead of perpetuating a sense of rejection and low self-worth. They can also practice their social skills in a safe place. Once in a while, invite a friend to join you. Surreptitiously check out your child’s interactions and responses to what the other child is saying or doing. Then you can talk about these at a later during quiet time. Or, just use the information in monitoring dinner table conversation and behavior. Kids with ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria really need to feel the consistent, loving presence of their parents as an antidote to the painful social experiences they may be having or perceiving. For those older teens and adults who may be experiencing symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and would like to gain more insight into what it could mean for you, check out this free online test offered by our friends at ADDitude. My ADHD Solution Deck is also a helpful to have on hand, helping you employ strategies that can help your ADHD child or teen in the moment as they face a social or emotional challenge related to RSD.


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22 News Mass Appeal: Three keys to raising tweens

(Mass Appeal) – The emotional rollercoaster of having a tween around can make for a stressful home. Tweens are straddling the two worlds between childhood and full-fledged adolescence. Why do they want to cuddle with you one moment and then yell at you an hour later? Clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline, is here with three important things you should know about tweens.

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Parenting Older Teens with ADHD: Land the helicopter and focus on scaffolding

9 different portraits of happy looking, diverse teens stitched together side-by-side into one image Launching older teens with ADHD can be both exciting and nerve-wracking. Your adolescent might be preparing to leave the shelter of high school for college, a gap year, trade school, an apprenticeship or a job. How do you know when to support them and when to let go? What signs indicate they are ready for the independence they desire? Teens with ADHD who often need more support for longer than is typically expected. Therefore, parenting older teens with ADHD might come with even more questions and concern. Above all, for scaffolding to be successful, your kids need to participate in its design. When parents practice compassion, collaboration and consistency with their teens, they foster much smoother transitions to adulthood.

Helicoptering vs. Scaffolding

A cartoon of a male teen with ADHD wearing headphones walking and looking his phone while his parents which are drawn like helicopters are flying above him and spying through telescopes at his phone to show helicoptering instead of scaffolding parentingThere’s a big difference between being a helicopter parent and one who uses scaffolding. Helicopter parents exercise constant supervision and are over-engaged in their teen’s academic and social lives. They’re directing things to go a certain way. In addition, they’re doing things for their kids instead of letting them try more often on their own. In contrast, parental scaffolding helps teens prepare for adulthood by helping them practice independence. Instead of telling older teens and young adults how to do things and what they should choose, you discuss options. Then, when they’re 18 or older, they decide what makes sense. Rather than provide the answers to their dilemmas or problems, you offer resources and point them in the right direction. Therefore, you replace reminders with mutually created systems that foster self-reliance. You do this even if it means that your son or daughter may not succeed at something as often as you’d like. Teaching executive functioning skills, facilitating opportunities for self-reflection and exploring obstacles that prevent follow through and completion become your focus now. As the parent of two emerging adults, I know how tough it can be to witness our children struggling and succeeding–on their own terms. Although it’s much easier to say what we think and tell them why we are right, this type of communication doesn’t result in a trusting relationship. Scaffolding strategies will show more respect for their growing maturity.

Fostering Connected Independence

Connected independence is really our goal now. Ideally, our emerging adults see that we can assist them or offer advice when they seek it, demonstrate empathy regardless of the situation, and believe in their abilities to make good choices. Parents are there for you as needed, but they’re not running the show. In the meantime, to get to that place, your older adolescent will test all kinds of limits and resist taking directions from you, no matter how right you are. Teens with ADHD really need to learn from experience. For most parents, and for kids themselves, it’s a confusing time. It’s also an opportunity for you to examine your dreams for them and let them go. Take a minute and consider your agenda for your child and the type of pressure you may be placing on them. How is it working? If it’s not, do you know why? Try doing more of what works. 

Tips and Tools for Parenting Older Teens with ADHD

Use these tips to foster connected independence in your family and strengthen the scaffolding of growing executive functioning skills to better help teens prepare for adulthood.

1. Listen with genuine curiosity:

A mother practicing scaffolding techniques and talking with her teen with ADHD outside on a bench Acknowledge what you hear and use reflective listening tools to show this: “I heard you say X, did I get that right? Is there anything else?” Ask questions using how, what, when and where instead of why. Pause before thinking and reflect on what you are going to say. Are you telling them what to do? If so, how can you reframe that into a question.

2. Separate your anxiety from theirs:

When we are worried about the choices our older adolescents are making, we share our anxiety–out loud or nonverbally. Monitor your concerns, keep them separate from those of your son or daughter and talk about your feelings with someone else–a friend, family member or counselor. Part of maturing into adulthood is knowing that your parents believe in your capacity for resilience. If you need to share your worries with your child, then do so neutrally.

3. Pick your battles:

A father practicing parental scaffolding strategies and having an important discussion with his neurodiverse teen outside on a bench under a tree Figure out what your bottom line is about certain touchy subjects and negotiate compromises. Perhaps it is setting house limits about substance use, agreeing on minimum GPA, managing finances, or respectful language. Agree on your role for giving reminders and when you will say nothing. In general, waiting 24 hours to process something upsetting lets everybody cool down enough to have a real conversation. Effective compromises usually mean that you give a little, they give a little and nobody is fully happy with the solution. Of course, you need to intervene in matters of health and safety but discuss in advance what those might be.

4. Maintain your perspective:

Negotiating the passage to adulthood takes time, practice and frustration. Take a giant step backwards to look at the entire picture. Should your child stay in college when they’re failing 3 out of 4 courses? Similarly, is keeping a miserable job with an abusive boss worth persistent high stress, insomnia, substance abuse or self-harming behaviors? Probably not. Place your attention on who they are more than what they do. Parenting older teens with ADHD often involves given them extra time and space to figure things out without excessive pressure from you. They already feel ashamed of their struggles. Remember, most kids want to grow up and be self-reliant like their peers. Talk about what they envision for themselves and help them find a counselor who really understands ADHD.

5. Facilitate learning life skills:

A mother hugging her neurodiverse adolescent daughter around the shoulders from behind while they both smile and look at the cameraThe ADHD brain matures more slowly than neurotypical brains, lagging up to three years. Collaborate with your emerging adult on lagging skill areas that frustrate them. Often these involve organization, time management, planning and prioritizing. Let them take the lead on picking the ONE area that needs to be improved. Brainstorm possible solutions, explore the steps needed to work on this skill and clarify how you can help. In addition, talk with them about managing their own healthcare, prescriptions, budgets and transportation. Most young people I work with still need assistance in understanding how to do these things.

6. Stay steady:

Emerging adulthood is a time of great change and instability. Kids come and go from your house, moving around as they try to understand the world around them and what really matters. Be there as a steady force in the midst of all of these ups and downs, loving them with open arms and a zipped mouth. They are learning as they go along: that’s what this developmental stage is all about. Expect them to reject you and your advice and give them the gift of compassion anyway.  Remember what you were like at your kid’s age. What would you have wanted most from your parents? Would it have helicoptering or scaffolding strategies? I would have liked fewer questions about how I was going to use my college degree and more trust in the process of my explorations. Ultimately, I figured it out, and I bet you did too. Your teen will too.

A neurodiverse teen girl holding a lit lightbulb in-front of a black background that has big white question marks all over it.


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Moms with ADHD: Nurturing your power of authenticity

A young child hugging and kissing his neurodiverse mother on the cheek she smiles and embraces himParents are jugglers. Education, events, extra-curricular activities, hobbies, sports, chores, work–at any given time we’ve got several balls in the air. On top of managing all of this, women have to deal with the additional issue of cultural standards of motherhood that lead us to comparing ourselves to some idealized version of what being a mother should be. We all do this, and it’s harmful to our self-esteem and self-confidence. For moms with ADHD, it can be even more challenging to tackle everyday tasks.

Finding confidence as a neurodivergent mother

If you’re a neurodivergent mother, you might feel like you come up short next to neurotypical parents. What you need to remember, regardless of your circumstance, is that you are the best mother for your child. You have birthed or adopted them, you have nurtured them, and you have loved them to the best of your ability and within your personal resources. It’s time to stop looking at what you are not doing, and start valuing your authentic self. Our kids are our greatest teachers, and the lessons we learn from them aren’t always easy ones. But, regardless of the ups and downs, the most important thing is to nurture our connection with them. We are often judged as parents based on how our children act and what they achieve, instead of who they are as people. Maintaining authentic connections with your neurodivergent child, and conveying your love for who they are, demonstrates what good parenting is all about. Yes, you will get angry and frustrated. Yes, you will laugh and cry with them. And yes, this is what makes you a strong, helpful and attuned mother. Here are some helpful steps moms with ADHD can take to move towards nurturing authenticity in relationships. Let them also remind you of what a powerful mother you truly are.

Four ways moms with ADHD can nurture authenticity:

1. Notice your courageous behavior over the years.

It’s important to stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. You are the best mom that you can be given the resources that you have. As a neurodivergent mother with ADHD, it’s unhelpful comparing yourself to neurotypical moms or moms with neurotypical children. Everyone’s circumstance is different. Reflect on ways that you’ve taken risks and done things with your kids that made you feel proud. What are things you do with your child that make you feel good about yourself? Is there a specific family memory that makes you feel happy? Have you advocated for them in a unique or special way, or have they helped you to be an advocate for yourself? Write some of this down so you can keep it for the good times and the bad when it can really help you to reinforce your self-esteem.

2. The key to self-forgiveness is owning your stuff.

A side view of a neurodiverse mom looking compassionately at her neurodiverse child in the eye and resting her hand on her shoulder.

No matter who we are, we have our moments and slip up sometimes. Consider giving a genuine apology about a recent event as a surprise gift to your children and to yourself. Express how you are working on changing your behavior to change things in the future. And then work on it. I have worked through many things with my kids, including my reactivity. I try to own my stuff as much as I can and they certainly let me know when I don’t. When I’ve done something that hurts them, I don’t make an excuse. I say, “I’m sorry that I did that and that I hurt you.” It helps to take the pressure out of a situation and to make everyone feel more at ease with each other. When you do this for your kids, you are directly modeling accountability. This is a crucial lesson in their development and can be so rewarding. Remember, we are all fallible, we are all human.

3. Show up for yourself as much as you do for others.

Many women think that being a good person is about sacrifice. We believe we need to prioritize others before ourselves. We give and give and give and then feel bad when we can’t give more. Because of this, it can be so easy to criticize yourself when you aren’t showing up the way you think you should. This isn’t good for us or our children, to see us stress about things in this way. Sometimes, we (moms) try to control situations or people in an effort to fit our reality into our perfect picture in our minds. My inner critic often says to me, “You know what? You can do this better.” It’s debilitating because it makes me feel like what I do is never good enough. I know where it’s coming from in my family history. Have you considered where your thoughts stem from in your history? What would it be like to show up for yourself without judgment? What does your inner critic say to you? Mom with ADHD with her neurodiverse daughter stretching next to each other, touching their toes and looking at each other on the living room floor

For moms with ADHD, it’s important to accept yourself with your blemishes, quirks, and all. This takes mindfulness. What can you say to yourself instead of thinking so negatively? Vocalize and acknowledge the aspects of yourself–what works and what could be improved. Acknowledge the beauty in the balance. This helps fill up your emotional bucket.

Having difficulty focusing on the good? Keep a journal every night and write down three things that went well that day. They can be really small. It can be something as small as “I liked the stir fry at dinner,” or “My toothpaste was refreshing,” but it can move mountains in helping you to focus on the positive.

4. Nurture connections instead of solving problems.

As mothers, we can be quick to find solutions for our children’s issues. But it is very rare that people want us to solve their problems for them. Our children want to feel heard and assisted with their troubles, not necessarily told what to do. Meet your kids where they are and brainstorm solutions together. Use your creativity, energy and strategic thinking to guide both of you to options organically. Be an ally. As a mother with ADHD, there are so many unique facets to your personality that aid you in being an adventurous and caring parent. Focus more on those instead of your limitations. No matter what, make sure to nurture yourself so that you can show up for your family.  If you don’t put your oxygen mask on first, you won’t be able to assist anybody else.

A portrait of a neurodiverse mother standing between her two children as she smiles and rests her head on her taller teen


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Psychotherapy Networker | Relearning Parenthood: When Children Reach Adulthood, What Then?

“I live in an open nest. It’s not an empty one, but some days it sure feels that way. The rooms are tidy and still. Things stay just where I place them: the dirty glass in the sink, the jeans drying over the bannister, the bag of walnuts on the counter. My husband goes to work most days at a nearby hospital, offering solace to people who pass from this world to the next and to their loved ones who remain. My beloved Jasper, a golden retriever of incomparable sweetness and light, lies newly buried in my backyard, next to Tucker, the four-legged brother he barely knew. I work too much, trying to make a difference by helping others lead healthier, more emotionally satisfying lives. Sometimes, the silence in the house is deafening. Sometimes, I feel ecstatic. On bad days, I can’t seem to find myself or know where I belong.” Click the logo below to read the full article.

22 News Mass Appeal: Tips on being a great parent

Do you spend time comparing yourself to other parents on social media and feel you come up short? It’s time to stop looking at what you are NOT doing and start valuing yourself. Regardless of your natural human foibles, you are still the best parent for your kids. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sharon Saline, is here to offer some guidance for parents to make the most of yourself as a parent. Click the logo below to watch the interview.

Post-Pandemic Self-Care for Parents: 12 Tips for Wellness Practices in a New Normal

Parents holding their daughter's hand outside at the park together with masks on in post-pandemic world.Over the past year, we’ve touched on the importance of self-care for parents during the pandemic. It’s essential for parents to take care of themselves during these times, especially parents of children and teens who struggle with ADHD, learning disabilities, anxiety and other issues. After finally having adjusted to personal care practices in quarantine, it may be time to start considering adjusting to life in a new normal. Here are some tips to help update practices of post-pandemic self-care for parents. Although the road to conquering COVID-19 remains long, there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. With vaccination rollouts happening at a relatively fast pace in the United States, and increasingly more common elsewhere, it’s time to prepare for entering social situations. This may require a little extra energy right now, but there are ways to help make the transition easier and more exciting for you and your family. It starts with a solid self-care routine for parents that might look much different than what you’re used to. Here’s my advice.

12 tips for post-pandemic self-care for parents:

1. Expect that things will look different post-pandemic.

Change can be difficult. It’s normal to feel anxious about another change.  To help adjust, plan for unpredictability and some discomfort with the world reopening. And when the discomfort overwhelms you, see if you can find comfort knowing that change is a catalyst for growth.

2. Create a safety net.

Identify what you need to feel safe leaving your house. Post a list to remind your family of self-care items, for parents and kids. Common list items may include your run-of-the-mill wallet (forms of payment, photo ID, etc.), mask, hand sanitizer, keys, and cell phone. Bringing a water bottle, notebook to keep yourself occupied in semi-public situations, a book, and other items may help you shift slowly into a more social mindset. Five hands in the air, each holding a different piece of pandemic self-care PPE, in front of a plain blue backgroundPost-pandemic, your safety net may also expand to include your vaccination card, immune boosters, a thermometer, or oximeter. Be sure your children and teens with ADHD have extra masks and hand sanitizer as they will likely lose things along the way. These items will help you feel more comfortable with this shift.

3. Navigate the social scene slowly.

Give yourself time and space to enter the world and meet with people. Follow your own levels of comfort. Keep in mind that your capacity to handle social situations may have changed quite a bit in a more isolated environment. Self-care considerations for parents might look different now than they did pre-pandemic. Give yourself grace and space to accept your new energy levels, and adjust your calendar according to them (instead of the other way around).

4. Wonder instead of worry.

Shift the perspective from worrying about what might happen to curiosity about the future. Curiosity is the starting point for all creativity and knowledge, after all. Recall times in the past when you’ve been courageous and link those experiences to what’s going on now.

5. Expect awkward moments and accept them.

One parent with a mask on looking at the camera and two adults socializing with masks on in the background post-pandemicIt can be hard to know what to do and say post-pandemic. It’s been a long time since many of us were around humans in person regularly. Putting words to how you feel can help people understand your thought process and brain space. Making jokes can help other people feel comfortable. Honestly? They’re probably feeling similar and are not sure how to explain it.

6. Create statements to connect.

Practice makes perfect. Because you now have a shared experience, your small talk might look a little bit different. In fact, it might not be small talk at all. Create a list of statements, thoughts, and questions you’d like to use to engage with people post-pandemic. Questions like “How are things going?” “What are you doing?” “Are you able to work?” “Have you gotten a vaccine yet?” and more can really relay that you care, and open up a deeper conversation. Always keep in mind that saying something positive will help the person you’re speaking with be comfortable with you. This is one way self-care for parents can positively impact family and friends, too. Kind observations and new things learned can help create depth in your interactions. Positive statements will also leave a better – and perhaps lasting – impression on your acquaintances, family, and friends.

7. Be empathic.

It’s been hard on all of us. What’s been tough? What’s gone well? Be sure to engage these questions with yourself often, and acknowledge that others may be struggling with the same thoughts. Open yourself to the fact that you have a shared experience in this pandemic, and there are more opportunities to bond moving forward.

8. Start small.

Instead of expecting to go back like gangbusters, be kind to yourself and pace your exposure and contact. This will be difficult for the parents who tackle a million things a day, and who are used to a hectic family schedule. You and your children have missed your friends, but heading back into the world can happen gradually for your family. Self-care for parents means allowing yourself to dip your toes in first.

9. Acknowledge the stress pile-on of the past year.

Our stress bucket, already filled to the brim, is now overflowing. Take some time each day to decompress. Everything has been heavier, and you have been managing as well as you can, given whatever resources (external and internal) you have. Give yourself credit for what you and you’r family have done, not what you haven’t done!

10. Mind your sleep.

Close up of a person gripping their hands over their face in distressAll of this uncertainty can affect your sleep. What can help to interrupt this pattern is to adjust your bedtime ritual. Keeping away from bright lights and screens for about an hour before you go to bed is ideal for better sleep. Getting some time outdoors during the day will help to naturally regulate your sleep cycle. If your sleep continues to be uneven, consult with your doctor.

11. Simplify your to-do list.

We are living on an information overload. Television, phones, radios, and other technological devices are providing information at a rapid pace. Meanwhile, we consume messages from the world around us in multiple other forms of media. There is a lot going on all around us constantly, and it can be hard to absorb everything, let alone have the energy to personally contribute to anything. Multitasking is really a myth. To reduce overwhelm, make a conscious effort to do one thing at a time and no more than two. Boundaries are an important component of self-care for parents and can make a big impact on your wellbeing.

12. Consciously lower your expectations (or allow some grace into your life).

We have numerous factors that lead to persistent weariness. Making sure the well-being of our children is taken care of while developing and growing our relationships across the board isn’t an easy feat. That, coupled with stressors like work, home and family obligations and other variants can really take a toll on you. Consider making fewer plans, and lower your expectations for what you “should” accomplish. Focus on what nourishes you instead.

Maintaining your post-pandemic self-care practices

A picture of a dog on the ground next to someone practicing parental self-care yoga in the background Once you are able to focus on the smaller circumstances and practices that make things better, you can practice gratitude more – perhaps even with your ADHD child! Acknowledging the positive, noticing individual talents and doing activities together all show your ADHD child or teen that you care about who they are and you are glad that they are in your lives. It can also help them express gratitude that you may not otherwise feel on a daily basis. The past year has been difficult for everyone. It’s important that we all learn to care for ourselves as we move forward. Self-care for parents positively impacts kids, too. Family relationships often improve and parents model healthy behavior for kids and teens. So whether you’re experiencing resilience fatigue – which comes from being depleted mentally, physically and emotionally – social anxiety, or otherwise, it’s time to prioritize your wellbeing. As we approach re-opening, keep in mind the 5 C’s of ADHD parenting. Once you’ve established your own self-care routine, consider talking to your teen about creating one, too!


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