Overcoming Distractions EP 122: Managing burnout and overwhelm when you have ADHD

If you have ADHD and you feel you are suffering from overwhelm or even burnout, you want to take the time to listen to this new podcast episode. We discuss one of the silent conditions of mental health and that is burnout. Back on Overcoming Distractions is Dr. Sharon Saline. She has over 30 years of experience working with individuals with ADHD, she is a bestselling author and a leading expert in many areas of ADHD and neurodiversity. Sharon and Dave talk about burnout and how people with ADHD may experience this more than others. And not only more common but many with ADHD can also get to burnout much quicker.

Listen to the episode here.

 

Attention Talk Radio – ADHD: What You Should Do vs What You Actually Do

“Often, people with ADHD focus on what they think that they should do, never acknowledging what they actually do. In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) and Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com) will discuss the concepts of what you should do, versus looking honestly at what you’ll actually do, as a form of self-awareness with the goal of helping you move forward. If you have ADHD and find yourself “should-ing” all the time, this is a show you won’t want to miss.” Click play below to listen to the interview, or listen at AttentionTalkRadio.com.

Regulate Summer Screen Time for Your Child with ADHD and Yourself

Mother with long brown hair and checkered collared shirt and jeans next to her adolescent boy with ADHD with short brown hair wearing a light gray shirt with dark gray long sleeves facing each other in front of a dark pill wall, both staring at their phones.Summer is here! How are your kids and teens with ADHD spending the extra free time? On the one hand, kids and teens have more time to turn to video games and connecting with friends on social media. On the other, they have more time and space to move around now that they aren’t required to sit and learn so much. This is a much needed break for kids and teens with ADHD who often self-regulate with movement. But with less structure and help with supervision, parents often have trouble keeping up with the entertainment, energy, and emotions of kids all day, every day. Many parents then turn to screens to help kids take the edge off of an otherwise hectic time. So it’s not whether screens are part of summer vacation, but how they are. So how can you help your family better regulate summer screen time?

The benefits of online connection for kids with ADHD

Though screen time has a negative reputation, it’s not all bad. Games are great for developing problem-solving skills and hand-eye coordination. Kids experience a motivation to excel. They also practice picking themselves up after making mistakes to try again–a helpful experience for those with rejection sensitive dysphoria that often accompanies ADHD. Older adolescent with ADHD and her younger brother, both with brown curly hair and cream colored tops, both look at a phone with a yellow case with great interest.Social media has the potential to help kids and teens with ADHD expand their social groups and foster stronger connections. They can become part of supportive communities that help them learn to express themselves and develop a stronger sense of self and identity. After years of feeling behind in certain areas compared to their peers, finding ways to improve their self-esteem and sense of belonging makes a big impact on kids and teens with ADHD. Access to the internet, with its vast amount of information, also encourages learning. It can nurture the interests of kids and teens with ADHD. If a child doesn’t have access to a yo-yo teacher in their neighborhood, they can learn the basics and some fun tricks on YouTube. Importantly, they can also learn at their own pace. Sometimes kids with ADHD fall behind with certain styles of learning used in school, so having the opportunity to experience how they learn best encourages them to self-advocate for accommodations that might help them succeed now and in the future.

The side effects of too much screen time

Unfortunately, there are “side effects” to getting too much screen time on a regular basis. Too much screen time can actually take a bigger toll on developing children than we often realize. Screens are associated with negative health implications like:

    • Sleep issuesTeenage boy with ADHD with shaggy brown hair wearing a blue and white striped shirt lying on the white ground next to his tablet.
    • Low energy
    • Decreased productivity
    • Eyestrain
    • Headaches

Screens – and the applications and games we use on them – can also be highly addicting. We want the summer to be fun for our families, so it can be very difficult to work with them on rules for screen time. But it is important to explore these options to help improve their health and encourage your family to engage with the world around them.

A few simple tips to help you regulate summer screen time with your family:

Discourage late-night screen usage

Sillhoette of teen with ADHD with over-ear headphones on while playing video games on a screen that is radiating light against a dark background If you need to, consider shutting down the internet or turning off phones to discourage late-night usage. Some families choose to have a phone basket or cubby to put everyone’s devices in. Doing this an hour or two before bed will help everyone fall asleep faster. Many families choose not to keep television sets or computers in bedrooms to help discourage any over-usage. This should help to improve your child’s sleeping patterns, which often aggravate any cognitive or energy issues they may be having.

Co-watch with your children

When possible, make sure that what your kids are viewing or interacting with is age-appropriate. It can actually be really fun to engage with them and their favorite video games, television series, and movies. Ensure that any news they are getting is from reputable sources. Monitor their social media usage to promote healthy interactions. Set child locks on devices and applications for the times when you are not around to co-watch.

Limit screen time

Young boy with ADHD in a bright blue shirt taping together cardboard in a craft project next to a bunch of craft supplies in a large art room.The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recently reported that children and teenagers spend an average of six to nine hours per day on screens. Bringing this number down is a lot easier in the summer with so many other activities and crafts to try and things to get into. Everyone should really be getting a much-needed break during this season. Follow my parenting acronym “SCREENS” to help you create regulate summer screen time with collaboration and an overall effective plan. Try to stick to a rule with screen time for all of your kids, so that no one feels left out or discouraged. If you’re feeling confident, try a “no screen day” once a week. See what kinds of events and other things your children come up with in the meantime. A digital break is great every now and then for everyone, and I highly encourage it. If you can, try to abide by similar rules. You might find that it benefits your own mental health in the long run. There is overwhelming evidence to support that Mother Earth does, indeed, have some sort of integral connection to–and influence over–all living cells. Incorporating outdoor activities into your routine can optimize your body’s function with access to fresh air, sunshine, plants, animals and other environmental factors. Try planting a garden. Enjoy long walks with family pets. Do some yoga or play some frisbee in the yard. Multigenerational family of 6 eating and sitting at a picnic table outside during a bright sunset Encourage your children (and yourself, if you can) to be outside, screen-free, for at least an hour on the days that it is nice outside. And really, if you’re dressed appropriately, even rainy days can be fun to play in! Just be sure to check for upcoming storms and that the air quality is reasonable, especially with the unexpected weather we’ve been having and the increasing natural disasters happening around the world. Also, join your kids for family walks, bike rides, or other explorations. There is no denying that screens play a pivotal role in growth and development in this day and age. After a long year of online learning, it is also imperative to make sure that your family has a plan to regulate summer screen time this year. It’s not always easy, but I promise it’s worth it.


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Relationship: How to Let Someone Go- 3 Most Important Things You Must Do

“Ending a relationship can be hard, extremely hard. Human beings are relational.  The majority of us thrive when we are in relationships that are healthy and mutually satisfying. Sometimes, however, ending relationships and letting someone go is a  necessary and difficult part of one’s life journey (by Carlin Barnes, MD). “10 practicing psychologists and psychiatrists were kindly agreed to share their professional experience and give us a few pieces of valuable advice on How To Let Someone Go – 3 Most Important THINGS You MUST DO.”

Click here to read the article.

 

Couples Living with ADHD: Healthy practices that focus less on fairness and more on companionship

Couple with ADHD sitting outside on a sunny day laughing and drinking cranberry juiceWhether you have ADHD, your partner does or you both do, there’s one thing for certain: the tasks of living–whether fun or tedious–can often seem overwhelming and unmanageable. Executive functioning skill challenges, learning disabilities, ASD, anxiety or depression can add to the complexity of any relationship. Sometimes these challenges are met with humor, empathy and compassion. Other times, couples living with ADHD produce resentment, frustration and blame. How can you and your partner live with ADHD more successfully while nurturing a healthy companionship?

Exchange fairness for collaboration

Begin by forgetting about fairness. Focusing on equality leads a couple down a rocky path. It may seem that one person does more of the heavy lifting. Whether or not this is true, we all have roles to play in our partnerships and in our families.

Older male couple sitting at the table and working on tasks together

You need to learn how to negotiate what these are so that there’s flexibility and compromise instead of rigidity and contempt. Healthy relationships are all about give and take, effective communication and acceptance of the other person’s strengths and limitations.

In partnerships, people have different skill sets. One person may be the organizer and the motivator. The other might be better at following lists, coming up with fun ideas or recalling specific memories from five years ago. Instead of concentrating on fairness, shift your attention to what will help nurture your relationship, foster closeness and be useful in getting things done.

Make collaborative agreements with plans for accountability and lean into each other’s strengths. This way, you can break down tasks into manageable parts or delegate chores based on interest and capability. Instead of fairness being your goal, aim for effectiveness and equanimity.

Neurodivergent couple working together as a team to get laundry done and having a good time

I’m better at social planning, cooking, dealing with medical issues, reserving places to stay on vacations and making sure we celebrate holidays, birthdays and our anniversary. My husband takes care of the garden, goes to the dump, manages structural house problems and deals with airlines. Together we take turns with the laundry, grocery shopping and walking the dog.

How do you and your partner divide tasks? What skills do you and your partner each have? If the division of labor seems imbalanced, how are you addressing that? Do you make joint lists and assign the tasks so one person isn’t doing it all? Zoom out and think about the big picture.

Rinse, wash, repeat: Stop having the same argument

Most couples have the same arguments over and over again. Whether it’s about money, who’s doing (or not doing) what or how to parent the kids, people get caught up in (and sweat) the small stuff. As adults living with ADHD, you are more likely to struggle with impulsivity, emotional control, prioritizing and time management (among other executive functioning skills) compared to other couples. Here are 5 strategies to reduce frustration and foster positive connections and companionship with your partner:

1. Communicate clearly and cleanly:

Black couple sitting on a couch and having an important, effective discussion

What is the music between you and your partner? How you talk to each other and negotiate issues is critical for creating a harmonious soundtrack between you. Practice reflective listening when you aren’t upset so you can use it when you are. When the temperature is hot between you, there’s usually no listening.

        • Set aside 10-15 minutes at least three times per week and mark your timer.
        • The first person speaks and the second one listens, periodically repeating back what is being said using this formula: “I heard you say X, did I get that right? Is there anything else?”
        • At the midpoint, you switch roles.
        • Then when you are getting agitated and heading down the slippery slope towards a blowout, call up this exercise. This way, you will each feel heard.

The goal isn’t for a solution but just to improve listening and acknowledge your partner. Afterwards, refrain from going back into the content and decide when you can return to the topic for a solution. You are working together, not against one another.

2. Make requests, not demands:

Instead of wagging your finger or raising your voice in self-righteousness or holding onto your need to be right, keep the playing field level. Asking your partner invites their participation. If they struggle to follow through on things, find a calm moment and brainstorm together what would assist them with persistence and completion.

It’s natural for ADHD brains to wander, even if a person has a list to aid them. When you work as a team, the probability of reaching a goal is much stronger. Acknowledge and appreciate when your partner does something you’ve asked, or at least made a solid effort. This will encourage them to keep going. 

3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt:

ADHD couple having a close, calm and quiet moment outdoors togetherWe all know that it’s more satisfying to accomplish what we set out to do than to leave things unfinished. Most people with ADHD would rather be successful in what they attempt but may fall short, despite their best efforts. They frequently carry around a deep-seated sense of shame about their limitations, which spills over into their relationships.

Perhaps your ADHD partner resents you because you don’t have ADHD and things seem easier for you, or they don’t like how you tell them what to do. Maybe they name you as the problem in the relationship because you have ADHD and think everything is your fault. Relationships work best when you give your partner the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming they do things on purpose.

4. Be accountable for your actions and inactions:

Relationships succeed when both parties are accountable for what they bring to the table–the good, the bad and the ugly. Brainstorm tools that will help your relationship, such as writing things down, using alerts and alarms, sending neutral reminders via text message, creating family bulletin boards and/or online calendars.

Start with one change at a time–that’s what people can handle. When there are several things on the list, “I wish you wouldn’t do,” or, “I wish you would start doing,” becomes overwhelming and, at times, humiliating. 

5. Foster closeness and fun:

Many couples living with ADHD are so busy dealing with the pressures and responsibilities of daily life, that they’ve lost track of what drew them together in the first place. Nurturing your positive connection is essential for growing your love.

ADHD couple riding a bike together and laughingFind some time to remember what you like about one another. Take turns choosing an activity and mix things up by trying something new. Instead of going out to dinner again, try a whitewater rafting trip for the day, get food from a new restaurant and have a romantic picnic, be a tourist in your own town, or visit a new museum. Develop a shared interest such as playing tennis, learning salsa or baking bread. Make time for intimacy.

If you are not connecting positively, you will negatively. Anger and hostility also reflect a deep connection, just not a productive or pleasant one. If these activities are tough for you because there’s too much blame or resentment, I encourage you to seek counseling.

 


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Dinnertime for the Family with ADHD: How to make family meals more enjoyable for all

Dinnertime for the ADHD family of 6, happily enjoying a meal and laughing as the youngest child speaks. Dinnertime can be a wonderful opportunity to catch up with your family, learn what’s going on in each other’s lives and share the delightful experience of a tasty meal. It has the potential to be an enjoyable break in your day where you can check-in with your family (and yourself) and connect with each other. However, if that doesn’t sound like your experience, you’re not alone. Dinnertime for families living with ADHD can look quite different. Your child or teen face unique challenges that make it difficult for them to calmly transition to the table and be ready to eat what’s served. I’ll discuss some of these challenges as well as how to help everyone feel more prepared and excited to enjoy a meal with one another.

Why mealtimes can be challenging for kids and teens with ADHD

Getting everyone to the dinner table

Kids and adult with ADHD often get overwhelmed when they’re asked to stop one activity and start another. Shifting from one task to another involves executive functioning skills such as impulse control, cognitive flexibility and organization that they might struggle with. Knowing how to wrap up where they are in a project, remembering where they’re leaving off when it’s time to return, and moving onto something new can be challenging. Hyperfocus on a project or activity makes this even tougher because of a lack of awareness of how time passes. Think about how time goes fast when you’re having fun but even more so. Leaving a fun computer game or playing hoops with your neighbor to eat a meal with your parents, no matter how many warnings your mom or dad gave you, can still come as a shock that they now have to process. So getting to the table with a smile may well not happen.

Arriving in a good mood

Boy with ADHD sitting outside on a rock looking upset with his arms crossed and looking at the camera Ideally, family members come together around the table in a friendly, happy mood. However, that can be a lot to expect at dinnertime for your ADHD family. Expecting kids to reign in emotions from the events of their day or even their last activity might be too much to ask. If they’re overwhelmed with having to stop what they were doing to eat at what they think is an inconvenient time, they’ll probably bring this upset to the table. They might also have had a difficult day  and aren’t up for cheerfully sitting around you to eat dinner. Displeasure about the food or anxiety about the noise or conversation could also contribute to a foul mood. Chat with your child or teen about how to join the family and participate in the meal with more equanimity. Learning how to do this takes time and practice. Eating what’s served We all can agree that eating well is one of the keys to living well. Yet, nutrition can be a hard enough thing to handle for yourself, let alone when you are raising a picky eater. Having a well-rounded diet is important, yet it can seem almost impossible with a sensory sensitive child or teen with ADHD who, for example, only likes white-colored foods. As you try to get a handle on it and ensure that your family is getting all of the vitamins and minerals they need, things can get a little dicey (pun definitely intended) with so many different food preferences. Dinnertime for your ADHD family can feel like a rollercoaster ride. “Picky eaters” make up 26% of the American population, while anywhere from 13 to 22% of children  are reported as “picky eaters” at any given time. People rarely consider it a chronic problem since it is so prevalent in children, especially aged 2-5, and see it more as a passing phase. However, about 40% of children are reported to have inconveniently specific eating preferences that last more than two years, and this is especially common for children diagnosed with ADHD.

7 tips to help make dinnertime more enjoyable for your ADHD family

1.  Ask your child or teen about their food preferences.

Do you consider your kid or teen a picky eater? Not being interested in the meal served can add stress at dinnertime for any family. My guess is they aren’t selective about their foods because they prefer dine exclusively on lobster rolls or prime rib. Rather, kids with ADHD who have strong taste preferences often like familiar foods, like crackers, mac and cheese or PB&Js. Girl with ADHD looking down with her palm on her face in front of her dinner plate that has a pile of carrots beside a cup of orange juice Eating their preferred foods consistently might not offer them the best nutrition. But the stress of needing to swallow foods you don’t like–while also in an upset mood or heated emotional environment–isn’t good for the body, either. Having a familiar, fulfilling meal can help them get the sustenance and energy they need without needing to add more stress to an already stressful day. Ask them questions about the foods they like. Is it the flavor, the texture, the fact they can hold it in their hands? This will help you better grasp their eating needs as well as gain understanding about their experiences. Kids with ADHD want to be understood more than judged. Taking the time to inquire about their perceptive is meaningful to them and helpful to you.

2. Take their preferences into consideration when introducing new foods at mealtime.

sweet potato fries on a wooden serving board with ketchupIf you’re concerned about your kid’s limited food preferences, try working with them slowly over time on expanding their food preferences. Forcing them to eat a meal that you might love, but they don’t, will only lead to an unpleasant experience for your family. See if you can find a new food once in a while that might be a healthier version of their favorite foods, but still meet their preferences. If your child loves french fries, try an often healthier alternative – sweet potato fries. Then, gradually move on to other similar foods. When they’re trying new foods, don’t set your expectations too high. You might think you have all the information and that you definitely got it right this time. The bottom line is–it’s still up to them to decide, and it still might not work. Prepare yourself for this scenario so you don’t give a strong reaction in the moment. The goal isn’t to shame your child or teen into eating. Showing support and acknowledge for their courage in taking a risk will help them feel more comfortable with trying new foods in the future.

3. Set up reminders leading up to mealtime.

Give your child or teen time to prepare for an upcoming meal time. Use a reminder system to let your child or teen know that food will be prepared and ready to serve soon. I’m not referring to yelling up the stairs, “Dinner in 10!” Raising your voice won’t support any calm transition. It can actually be triggering, so it’s best to avoid at all times, even when it’s not out of anger or frustration. If your child or teen has headphones on or their door closed, they’re not going to hear you anyway. Kids with ADHD working together focused intently on their physics project at a tableInstead, knock on their door or calmly approach them (while respecting their privacy and physical boundaries) and let them know that dinner will be ready in 15 or 10 minutes and then with a 5 minute warning.  Ask them to acknowledge the reminder using the Rule of Three so you both understand that they get it. Another option is helping them set up reminders in their phone, watch, alarm clock or other device. This promotes their independence and helps them build strategies for time management skills.

4. Keep your child or teen informed with what’s on the menu.

Inform your child or teen about what’s for dinner. This eliminates unknown variables that might make them anxious about mealtime. Kids and teens with ADHD struggle with enough anxiety in their lives; knowing what’s next on the menu takes away unnecessary anticipation and worry. They might also plan accordingly – perhaps avoiding a similar meal at lunchtime.

5. Better yet, let them have a say in what’s on the menu.

If your child or teen helps create the menu, then they’re more likely to want to eat what’s on it. Chances are, not everyone in the family agrees on the same food preferences. You will likely have to compromise and agree to mix things up. If there is a food you all love and crave every week, like pizza, then consider having a weekly Friday Pizza night! Transforming dinnertime into an ADHD family tradition is fun and promotes family bonds. Weekly family meeting with family with kids ADHD discussing and planning upcoming dinnertime mealsWeekly family meetings are a perfect time to discuss ideas for upcoming meals. Collaborating on meals takes pressure off of planning and shopping for meals on your own. It also leads to a happier outcome for all and teaches essential living skills. If you’re looking for new ideas or inspiration, try looking on Pinterest from saved or new recipes, or dusting off those cook books to pass around. Encourage your kids to notice what they crave throughout the week, too. They can write them down or text them to you. Then, talk about this during your weekly family meeting.

6. Have easy, preferred food options available as back-up.

It helps to know if there’s food on the menu that your kid knows they won’t like. That way, you won’t make more than necessary, and there will be no upsetting surprises. You can prepare (or they can do this themselves) a safe choice ready for them to eat instead. Maybe that’s a quick sandwich or an easy, go-to microwave meal.

7. Involve your child or teen in the meal prep process.

Creative looking meals with pasta hair and bread faces with vegatable facial features made by kids with ADHD for family dinnertime If there’s time and interest, involve your child or teen with the process of prepping, cooking and serving the meals. This is a great way to get them in the ready-to-eat mindset and teach them how to cook. Their body and mind are excited to eat thanks to the food’s aroma and occasional taste. They’re also looking forward to relaxing at the table after some physical work. They’re ready to jump in as soon as it’s ready! Making and serving food is also a time to get creative– a common strength for people with ADHD! Whether it’s trying a different ingredient, cooking it differently, serving it on the dish in a fun design or setting up the table with a new aesthetic, it can help your kid get engaged and lead to a fun, enjoyable meal with your family.


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Negative Memory Bias and ADHD: Tips to Help Kids and Youth with ADHD Remember the Positives

Neurodivergent teen with ADHD with pink sweatshirt and pink hair and teal headphones on a bed doing homework with on a laptop in her roomHave you ever noticed that your child or teen with ADHD remembers negative comments people say to them more than they do positive ones? While all human brains are wired for the negative memory bias, or negativity bias, the minds of kids and youth with ADHD seem more vulnerable to holding onto what is “bad more than what is “good.” The combination of the negative memory bias and ADHD symptoms such as working memory challenges, emotional dysregulation and low self-esteem can make it even more challenging for people living with ADHD to balance out with positive memories. Let’s dive more into the impacts of the negativity bias on people with ADHD, as well as helpful strategies you can use to help the children and youth in your life focus more on the positives.

The impacts of negative memory bias in children and youth with ADHD

This negative memory bias is strengthened for kids and youth with ADHD during childhood. It’s common for family members, peers, teachers, coaches and other influential people in children’s lives to criticize children and youth with ADHD. Oftentimes, people might intend to offer feedback, but kids still interpret the statements as criticisms. They’re not remembering things, not doing things properly, keeping things messy, not controlling themselves, etc. These encounters are opportunities to focus on, remember and learn from as children with ADHD grow up. But focusing on the negatives can contribute to negative self-talk, as well as feelings associated with shame, anxiety and depression. Young sad girl with ADHD wearing a flower shirt and pink backpack sitting alone in a classroom at a desk with blue chair turned to the side with her hands over her eyes, dwelling on a negative experience and showing the impact of the negative memory bias on kids In addition to the negative memory bias, many people with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which involves having a heightened response – often physical, mental and emotional – to rejection, criticism, mistakes and other negative experiences. Putting more weight on these negative experiences over positive ones can impact behavior and decision making, such as people-pleasing, striving for perfection or avoiding situations that might have negative outcomes (even if those same experiences could also lead to positive outcomes). While our ancestors needed the ability to learn and remember lessons from tough experiences for survival, people today also need to learn how to retain lessons from good experiences. This is especially true for children and young people with ADHD. Beneficial experiences not only serve as the foundation of self-esteem, secure attachment and self-management, but they also nourish inner strengths. How can we help balance the weight of negative experiences with positive ones for children and youth with ADHD?

Working memory, the negative memory bias and ADHD

In order for the good moments to outmaneuver the negativity bias, they have to be installed in the brain’s neural structures. This process requires holding the thought in the working memory long enough to be picked up by short-term memory structures and then transferred to the long-term memory. Of course, people with ADHD, by definition, typically struggle with working memory challenges. Therefore, this transfer doesn’t occur as frequently as we would like, if at all. So the key issue here is “long enough. While there is no research to give us a specific time for this, “long enough” usually means holding a positive emotion, desire, action or outcome to actually feel it–to reflect on it and let it sink in. I would venture to guess this means up to a minute if not longer. How can you assist your ADHD child or teen to do this more successfully?

5 tips to help children and youth with ADHD focus on and remember the positives:

1. Teach and value the importance of celebration.

Young happy child with ADHD running on the beach while playing with wood toy airplane at sunset, overcoming the negative memory bias by spending time enjoying and celebrating her accomplishment of making the toyWhen something good happens, teach them that relishing it is important! In our ultra fast-paced world, everyone moves on to the next thing so quickly. Oftentimes, the important integration needed to consolidate memory can be missed. Therefore, negative experiences, strengthened by negative memory bias and ADHD symptoms, aren’t being balanced with positive ones. SLOW IT DOWN, and celebrate positive moments alongside them. It’s also important to show your child or teen that “celebration” doesn’t have to mean a festive gathering with family and loved ones. Rather, it could mean treating yourself to an ice cream or dancing alone to your favorite song. Celebrations don’t depend on other people showing up – you can celebrate yourself and your personal accomplishments in various ways that might change over time.

2. Ask questions about ‘highs and lows’ at dinnertime

Practice doing highs and lows of the day at dinner with the family. Encourage everyone to say something. Don’t ask questions about the statements during the sharing. Instead, if you want to follow up on an issue, ask first. We are trying to create a safe place to hold both the positive and negative occurrences simultaneously; giving them equal weight. This process will create new, essential neural pathways. If daily highs and lows are too much for your family, then do them once a week at regular meal, like Friday dinners. Try to stay as consistent as possible to create the strongest impact on balancing out the negative memory bias.

3. Give genuine, positive feedback daily that is succinct.

Honestly, nothing is too small to be acknowledged. When you do this, make sure you get down to your child’s physical level. If your ADHD teen is taller than you are, ask them to sit down so you are at the same level. Put a hand on their arm or shoulder, if that’s comfortable. Maintain eye contact with them if you can, and be clear that they get it! A young adolescent boy with ADHD in a low mood while talking to his dad about an experience his dad says is positive to overcome the negative memory bias and ADHD symptoms As corny as it sounds, you could even ask them to repeat what they heard you say:

    • Parent: “Look I really want to make sure that you understood what I said. Can you please repeat it?”
    • Child: “Do I have to?”
    • Parent: “Yes.”
    • Child: “Fine, I heard you tell me that you appreciated that I hung up my coat when I got home.” Or, “I heard you say that you liked when I got off my computer right after the timer went off.”

These exchanges build the neural pathways we are seeking to create and  increase inner strengths, balance out the impacts of negative memory bias and foster interpersonal connection. Kids and youth with ADHD often interpret feedback in any form as negative. Be aware of how you word and how they interpret your statement. Try the ADHD Adapted Sandwich Feedback Method to formulate more neutral and effective statements.

5. Explain the subjectivity of criticisms and negativity.

A mother consoling her teen with ADHD and praising her neurodiverse strengths and differences

Kids with ADHD often endure frequent criticism, or perceived criticism, from influential people growing up. Your child or teen may be motivated to focus on these encounters so they learn not to remake “mistakes,” “improve” their abilities and behavior, rebuild self-esteem, gain acceptance and avoid further criticism.

Children and teens might not yet understand, however, that that criticism can be unwarranted and ableist. In other words, people often make remarks that neglect to accept the differences that come naturally with neurodiversity. Children, instead, deeply value the opinions of – and need support from – their family, friends and community. Instead of questioning the validity of the statement, they tend to trust what they have to say. Review with your child or teen the importance of valuing each others differences. In addition, lead by example by outwardly expressing appreciation for their – and other people’s – different strengths and overall differences. Explain how criticisms can be subjective, and why people might make inaccurate statements or remarks without thinking them through. This can be confusing, so remain approachable and check-in when moments are calm to see if they need support with understanding statements and situations.

5. Keep it up, regardless of any unwelcome response that you may receive.

Remember, the pull towards negativity and retaining bad experiences is longstanding and ingrained. Stopping your efforts to counteract it will likely increase its influence. Educating your teen on the impact of the negative memory bias and ADHD symptoms might help them stay motivated to focus on the positives, too. Though you might not see a difference right away, your values and recognition are making important, life-long impacts on your child or teen’s thought processes, motivation and self-esteem. Start building the GOOD today!


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TDAH Descomplicado Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline

The best way to help your child with ADHD ADHD Coach Yuri Maia, TDAH descomplicado (Brazil), and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline (U.S.) discuss Dr. Saline’s experience with ADHD, helpful tips for families, and her book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew, that is now published in Portuguese in Brazil by Buzz Editora: TDAH!

Watch the interview on YouTube. (Portuguese/ English translations) Purchase TDAH by Dr. Sharon Saline

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