“It’s 9 p.m. and your 13-year-old daughter with ADHD is rushing around the house frantically looking for her social studies book. She’s just realized that she has to read a chapter and answer five questions to prepare for the quiz tomorrow. You calmly offer to help her find the book and review the material but, instead of graciously accepting your assistance, she screams at you “Why can’t you leave me alone? I don’t need you!” You snap back, “Well actually you do or you’d know where your book is and you’d have finished your homework by now!” Then you both stomp off to your respective bedrooms, wondering why things devolved so quickly into a yelling match.”
Month: September 2021
Low Motivation and ADHD: Using ‘GRIT’ to tackle the essential tasks when you’re just not interested
Handling tasks and obligations we don’t enjoy is a part of everyday life. There are always meals to cook, laundry to do and garbage to take out. Most of us need to push ourselves to do tedious chores. Those with ADHD find it especially difficult to get started and follow through on boring, unpleasant tasks. This can lead to frustration, discouragement and even shame. It can also appear as negativity or procrastination. My GRIT method can help adults and kids learn two essential life skills: how to get motivated and how to see the work through to completion. GRIT is a process by which you get yourself ready to do a task or a work project, stay with it, apply consistent effort and finish a part or all of it. Let’s take a closer look.
People with ADHD lack dopamine, not willpower
The perception that people with ADHD lack grit or willpower is simply not true. ADHD is not a lack of willpower, but rather a condition of being unable to harness the abilities that you have to motivate yourself on something that interests you, and then apply them to something that does not. Dopamine plays an important role here.
People with ADHD are deficient in dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathway of the brain that can fuel motivation and action. Young people with ADHD, who have also yet to develop strong internal motivation (which usually develops in early adulthood), have an especially tough time feeling any motivation to start or finish day-to-day or long-term tasks and projects.
Grit is the steadfastness and persistence you need to stick with something and complete it. The GRIT method will help you achieve results and enjoy that wonderful sense of accomplishment.
Building Motivation: The What and The Why
In order to build motivation when you have ADHD, it is important to identify what you want to accomplish and why, and set goals accordingly.
Ask yourself:
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- What do I want to achieve?
- Why is this goal important?
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Here are some examples:
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- I have to pay my bills by the end of the day to avoid late fees.
- I want to do the laundry so I can wear my favorite outfit to work.
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Similarly, children stand a better chance of finishing unpleasant tasks by setting goals for themselves rather than relying on external motivators:
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- Once I clean my room, I’ll be able to watch a movie.
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Understanding your goals will not only help motivate you but will make it easier to see the work through to completion. This is an especially important skill for kids and teens to practice as they learn to manage schoolwork and chores independently.
Set Realistic Expectations
Once you’ve identified your goals, create realistic expectations of your capability, available resources and time constraints. Make a plan for when, where and how you’ll get things done. Try breaking large tasks down into smaller, more manageable pieces.
If it’s unrealistic that you’ll wash, dry and fold a load of laundry on a weeknight, split up the work between two nights. Easy tasks can be done anywhere, but difficult tasks might require a quiet room or a stretch of time with minimal interruptions. Consider these constraints and plan accordingly.
Use GRIT to help manage your everyday tasks:
Get situated.
Think about your tasks, do a brain dump and assign numbers to the first 3 items. Then, write where and when you want to do them.
Break your first and second items down into smaller chunks. Finish these first two items before moving on to the next one.
Consider starting your own Personal Project Planner to help you visualize the steps and process of more lengthy or complicated projects.
Resist distraction.
Set reminders. Ask yourself, “How long can I do something before I get bored?” If it’s 20 minutes, do your tasks in 20 minutes. Write yourself a note marking where you left off. Go on your break, set the time, go back to what you were doing. Don’t try to do something for an hour if that’s an unrealistic expectation. It will end in criticism and negative self-talk. We’re all about positive self-talk when building motivation with ADHD.
Implement incentives that matter.
Start with small steps and identify achievable goals. Put the “have-to” before the “want-to,” and use incentives. Watch your TV show after you do the dinner dishes. Meet your friend for coffee after you turn in your project. Use incentives that matter to kids and collaborate with them on setting up the agreement.
Take small steps, and positively talk yourself through the tasks.
Instead of saying to yourself, “Why can’t I get more done? Why didn’t I do this the way it should have been done?” say, “Look at what I was able to do!” Model positivity for your kids.
Try a “high and a low,” or a “happy and a crappy” exercise at dinner to highlight the day’s wins.
Consider writing down three good things or accomplishments each night before bed.
Low motivation is a common struggle for people with ADHD. But you CAN overcome it. Enable yourself with the right motivational tools and a positive can-do attitude. Make it a point to acknowledge each accomplishment, no matter how small.
Read more blog posts:
- Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:
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- What’s my motivation? ADHD & Motivation (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
22 News Mass Appeal: Helping kids make and keep friends
(Mass Appeal) – It’s the start of the school year and time for kids to get back out there and meet new friends! Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline joined us with tips on helping your child make connections with others.
ADDitude Mag – You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
“Self-compassion allows you to be good enough as you are, with your warts, with your foibles, sometimes off-balanced, sometimes more reactive than you’d like, sometimes disorganized, but fundamentally perfectly imperfect as a human being, just like everyone else.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!
YourTango: What You Can Do When Your Child’s ADHD And Defiance Makes You Want To Yell – Reprinted
*A YourTango Experts Weekly Best!*
“ADHD and defiance can be a tricky combination. There are so many facets to kids with ADHD. Yes, they are creative, passionate, and smart. Yes, they can also be distractible, energetic, impulsive, intense, and strong-willed. And yes, going back to school amidst the surge of Covid-19 is making things that were previously challenging harder in many ways and adding new hurdles.”
Read Dr. Saline’s article on YourTango. Read the original blog post by Dr. Saline. 
Starting Tasks with ADHD: How to help kids and teens feel motivated to get the ball rolling!
Have you ever asked your teen with ADHD to start their homework–over and over–and, still, they don’t sit down to do it? Even if they’re failing the class, and it means they won’t be able to play on the basketball team? Even if it means that they won’t be able to go out on Friday night? It’s hard not to become immensely frustrated with their behavior at this point. But, most often, starting tasks with ADHD is challenging because they lack the motivation, either internal or external, that would get them going. How can you, as their parent, assist them in developing much-needed motivation?
Internal vs. External Motivation: Getting to the starting line
Let’s first reflect on ourselves and what helps us do things.
It’s easy to do something you like, whether it’s reading an engrossing novel or playing tennis on a sunny day. It is MUCH harder to do something that you don’t like, such as folding laundry or taking out the trash.
When a task is fundamentally unrewarding or uninteresting, we are not very compelled to do it. We lack internal motivation.
When a task doesn’t have meaningful deadlines or immediate consequences to get us started (i.e. your boss expects the report tomorrow), it lacks external motivation. In both cases, we have to find something to get us going, and neurotypical adult brains rely on fully matured frontal lobes to do so.
Why your child or teen with ADHD struggles to start tasks
Children and teens with ADHD have not yet developed the executive functioning skills to overcome poor focus, disinterest or boredom to get unpleasant tasks done. They often do not possess the strategies or solutions to address either internal or external motivation deficits. If something seems unappealing, they turn away from it–even if the consequences are serious.
Most kids have to rely on external rewards to rouse themselves. Internal motivation, and the satisfaction a person receives when a dreaded task is completed, comes later– in early adulthood. So children and teens need help from adults in their lives to create external rewards that are both meaningful and encouraging.
3 simple steps to get your child with ADHD feeling MOTIVATED:
1. Talk about the concept of external motivation
Most ADHD children and teens will acknowledge when they struggle with focusing and what tasks lack inherent interest or value for them. Ask what has assisted them in doing such things in the past and what would entice them to do them now.
2. Decide in advance with your child what the rewards will be for finishing something that is difficult to do
For example, if your son finishes his history project on time, maybe he can go out for pizza with his friends. Or, if he works for 30 minutes, he can earn 10 minutes of social media or music time.
Do not remove the agreed upon reward if he engages in a separate behavior that you don’t like. If he earned the reward for doing the agreed-upon activity, then he should have it.
3. Break the task down
Remember: Most ADHD kids and teens have a great deal of difficulty starting something unpleasant because the task seems too large. Break it down into smaller components with timed rest periods during which your child or teen can engage in a desired activity.
Putting it all into practice: Helping your kid with ADHD start tasks — without the arguments.
Let’s say, for example, your 12 year old daughter’s room is a mess. It’s been in this state for a few weeks now, and you’re anxiously waiting for her to at least get started on cleaning it up.
Your perspective:
Now, as an experienced adult who has cleaned many rooms in your lifetime, you can easily see what needs to get done–especially if you’re neurotypical. You can quickly imagine an order in which she could complete the steps and about how long each task would take.
You can also imagine the final product: a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming bedroom. It’s a delightful, desirable, intrinsically motivating outcome that would keep you pushing through the tedious tasks of cleaning and organizing.
Your daughter’s perspective:
Your neurodivergent daughter, on the other hand, doesn’t see the task of cleaning her room from your perspective. She has a harder time seeing the project in small steps and is immediately overwhelmed with the thought of starting anywhere.
It seems like there’s too much to handle because there’s more than she can tackle at one time. She’s having a hard time seeing the smaller steps involved that she could work on here and there. She’s also struggling to imagine organizing her room more efficiently. With school books to read, friendships to grow and soccer games to win, she’s not focusing on a cleaning project that involves more internal motivation than external.
Step 1: Before approaching her about your concern, ask yourself it it’s the right time.
Are you going to push the topic because of your discomfort of walking by a messy room, or because you think a more organized room would genuinely help her?
Is she is the right headspace to consider tackling her room? For instance, it wouldn’t be best to bring up the topic during a day that she’s feeling stressed about an upcoming exam. And, even if you’re familiar with the mood-boosting effects cleaning and organizing can bring, don’t ask her to focus on cleaning her room when she’s in a low mood after a disagreement with a friend. Unless they know they enjoy cleaning, another activity would be more comforting in that moment. For someone who has ADHD, feeling physically, mentally or emotionally drained will only make it more difficult for them to engage their executive functioning skillset.
Step 2: Bring up your concern, and listen to her side of the story, too.
Sit down with your daughter and discuss your concern with her bedroom. Ask her how she feels about it. Does it bother her? Does she have a method of organization that works for her, even if you don’t understand it? Help her understand the potential benefits of a clean, inviting room; for herself, her guests and your family. See if she feels a difference between walking into a clean room (you can use yours as an example) and a disorganized room.
Step 3: Brainstorm a plan and solutions to any organizational changes that need to be addressed.
If she’s feeling stuck with where to start, write a list of the smaller steps that make up the project as a whole. Ask if there are ways you can help reorganize her room. Is it time for a bigger bookshelf? Can you offer a trip to the local donation center to drop off some old clothes and free up more space in her closet?
Step 4: Build on external motivation.
Rather than promising more items that will only add to the organization project, perhaps plan a fun weekend outing together when you can drop off the clothes. You can pick up some ice cream or stop by their cousin’s house for a visit. What is an activity that she’ll genuinely enjoy, and perhaps help you both connect more positively?
Step 5: Plan how long you’ll tackle each step.
Think realistically together about how long she can actually work before she gets distracted. Let’s say, 20 minutes. Set up three 20 minute work periods with 5 minute movement, snack or bathroom breaks.
Remember, your child or teen might need help figuring out where to begin, or they might want you to stay in their room to help guide them through the process. Your skills, ideas and encouragement can be a key to their success! Good luck with your efforts, and let’s get started!!
Read more blog posts:
- Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- ADHD and Motivation: How stress reduces productivity and what you can do about it
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:
-
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
Totto Learning: Are you worried your child has ADHD? Here are the next steps.
Hear how Dr. Sharon Saline explains what the first few steps as a parent you can do if you are worried that your child has ADHD and learn best practices for better parenting. – Totto Learning. Watch the video: Totto Learning: Symptoms of ADHD in Children
22 News Mass Appeal: Know the bullying warning signs
(Mass Appeal) – Every kid will experience some type of bullying in their childhood. Today on Mass Appeal, we discuss what you should be aware of for warning signs and what you can do to stop and prevent it. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sharon Saline, breaks down the important facts to know. Originally broadcasted here at wwlp.com. Planning and Prioritizing Practices for ADHD Brains: What’s the plan, and when do you start?!
Does it ever seem like you have way too much to do, and every task looks equally important and daunting? Many kids and adults with ADHD struggle to figure out what the order of doing things should look like and how to get started. This contributes to the common experience of feeling overwhelmed. There often needs to be a crisis or something unpleasant will occur if you don’t do the task right now. Planning and prioritizing are executive functions that are closely related to organization, time management and initiation. However, these skills can be improved individually, and here are some practices to help get you started.
The Core Principles of Prioritizing
Before learning techniques to help you (and your kids) decide what to do, in which order and when to begin, let’s look at the fundamental principles of prioritizing: urgency and importance. Urgent tasks cause us to react immediately and stop whatever else we are doing to attend to them. Urgency reflects a time pressure or a deadline. Important tasks represent the significance we attribute to something. They also reflect our life values and guide us towards our purpose and goals.
How we prioritize things, and understand their relevance, depends on two connected factors:
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- The first revolves around when something needs to be accomplished and why it needs to be accomplished, based on what we know about it.
- The second factor involves emotion: our brain calls up any conscious or unconscious memories about this task (or something like it) from our lived experience. The feelings that go with these memories contribute to how we rate the significance of the task, its interest to us and its inherent rewards.
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When we are faced with prioritizing activities, these two factors work together to engage or bore us.
Urgent and Important: Learning the Eisenhower Matrix
The Eisenhower Matrix was developed my President Dwight D. Eisenhower to assist him in choosing which of the many tasks to focus on each day and make difficult decisions. This matrix can be very useful to folks living with ADHD as a tool to help them think about the ways that they prioritize certain items while putting others off.
Here is my adaptation of The Eisenhower Matrix:
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- Quadrant 1: Spending time in Q1 means living in crisis mode. Many kids and adults with ADHD live here or put things off until they wind up with emergencies. The intensity of urgency and importance helps motivate them to get things done, but they wind up with lots of stress.
- Quadrant 2: Time in Q2 feels like being in the flow; you are setting goals for yourself, making plans and following through.
- Quadrant 3: When you struggle with managing interruptions and setting boundaries, you probably spend time in Q3.
- Quadrant 4: Q4 is the home of distractions–everything you do to avoid the task at hand.
Spend time reflecting on the following questions:
– Where do you spend your time? – In which quadrant does your child or teen hang out? – How can you spend more time in Q2 and less time in Q1 and Q4?
To improve the ability to prioritize, we have to strengthen our capacity to determine time pressures (deadlines); schedule plans, work, homework, personal projects, chores and errands, and then reasonably estimate how long something will take and rely on a system of organization. Then, you’ll have to break tasks down into small enough, bite-sized chunks to get started on them. This typically means using the exact executive functioning skills that are naturally challenging for ADHD brains.
4 Steps To Approach Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD:
1. Do a brain dump:
Many folks with ADHD attempt to hold all of their to-do items in their head or write them on several pieces of paper which they then cannot find. Centralize this process. Pick one location for your lists: your phone, your computer or iPad or a notebook. Sit down and take two deep breaths: breathe in for 4, hold for 4 and breathe out for 6. Now, write down everything you can recall that you need to do. You probably won’t get everything in one sitting–that’s fine. You can come back and add things as necessary.
2. Assign time and importance values to your tasks:
Pick a time value (when is this due?) and an importance value (how critical or significant is this?) for each of these items in order to prioritize them. This is where most kids and adults with ADHD get stuck. Everything seems equally critical, unless there’s a real emergency that’s pressing. I’ve created this chart with some examples to help you create your own. You can also use Post-it notes to help you move things around and schedule them.
| TASK | DUE DATE | SIGNIFICANCE | PRIORITY NUMBER |
| Laundry | None | I have no clean socks | 2 |
| Work Report/History Project | Friday – in 2 days | Performance/50% grade | 1 |
| Making dentist appointment | Haven’t had a teeth cleaning in 2 years | Cavities, gum disease or other concerns | 3 |
To decide the priority number, ask yourself these questions:
– What will happen if I don’t do this? – What will happen if I do this? – Which task am I leaning towards avoiding?
The more you don’t want to do something, the more likely that it’s important to start. These answers are usually very personal. Some people might rank making the dental appointment over the socks and will wear a used pair again. For me, I prefer clean socks and I can make the dental appointment when I’ve started the laundry.
3. Make an accountability buddy, or be a body double:
It’s usually easier to determine your priorities when you have support. Having someone to discuss ideas with or talk through urgent and important issues can be extremely helpful to kids and adults with ADHD. Planning and prioritizing are executive functioning skills that really benefit from direct instruction, so having another person there to assist you is essential.
As adults, think about a friend or family member who can support you as you do the laundry, clean up the kitchen or break down the steps to approach your work report. With kids, you are that buddy.
Become a body double: sit with them while they pick up their clothes from the floor and fold the clean stuff. Or, review their brain dump and talk through how to choose where to start.
4. Be patient and persistent:
Planning and prioritizing on a regular basis takes practice and time. Expect to stumble and feel frustrated. This is a tough skill to learn and practice makes progress! Most people, with and without ADHD, struggle with this skill so be kind to yourself and compassionate with your kids as you embark on improving it.
Read more blog posts:
- Teens, ADHD and Procrastination
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- Perfectionism and ADHD: Why ‘good enough’ is better than perfect
Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:
- Initiating and Completing Tasks with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline)
- Planning and Prioritizing with ADHD (ADDitude Mag ADHD Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline)
- 4 Tips to Boost Motivation in Kids and Teens (WWLP 22 News Mass Appeal Interview with Dr. Sharon Saline)
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/harness-grit/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
