Month: November 2021

Attention Talk Radio – ADHD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and the Pink Elephant Paradox

“Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a buzz phrase in the ADHD world. Is it a thing? Not a thing? And what does the pink elephant paradox have to do with it? In this show, ADHD Coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline on the topic. The two will have an open counterpoint conversation to bring context to the topic, provide an understanding of the role labels have in managing challenges, and discuss the issue from two perspectives – an ADHD coach and a psychologist. If the phrase “rejection sensitive dysphoria” calls you, don’t miss this insightful show.” Click play below to listen to the interview, or listen at AttentionTalkRadio.com.

YourTango – The Scientific Way To Organize Your Thoughts And Get More Done

“Metacognition is the awareness and understanding of your own thinking and thought processes with the goal of improving learning and performance. Put simply, metacognition is about how to organize your thoughts, and much more. What are your thoughts and ideas? Metacognition allows you to connect the dots, see the big picture, self-evaluate and monitor, which ultimately helps you with performance and task completion.”

Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here.

Back Together with Gratitude: Managing your emotions and expectations during the holidays

Family smiling and setting the Thanksgiving table.Last year in 2020, you might have hosted or attended small holiday gatherings, if any. Some were in-person, and some were virtual. Overall, it was different, and this year will feel different yet again. Thankfully, we have Covid-19 vaccines, our favorite masks on hand, and more hope for safer gatherings. But is the idea of getting together with family causing some anxiety? Returning to social events isn’t easy, and it might take some practice until you feel comfortable with it again. Conversations these days can also get pretty heated, and emotions could run wild. Covid-19 is still a concern as well. So how can you navigate challenging conversations, stay safe and still enjoy the festivities? Here are a few tips to consider for managing your emotions and expectations during family gatherings over the holidays.

1. Decide on your COVID safety guidelines in advance

Take time to think about what you’ll need to feel safe during the holiday season. When do you want to wear a mask? What types of events are you comfortable attending? Talk to your host about the plan for dealing with COVID safety for the day. People have differing levels of comfort and varying beliefs about COVID. Is there an agreement about vaccinations and/or testing before gathering? Then talk with your partner and your kids about your goals and strategies during Thanksgiving get-togethers.

2. Expect intense emotions

family discussion around tableIf you haven’t been together with people you love in a long time, your gathering is bound to be emotional. Feelings will run high as people bring their excitement, desire for connection and intentions to catch up. There may also be some anxiety. Excitement and anxiety are two sides of the same coin: the brain processes them along similar pathways. Expect emotional ups and downs, and strategize how to cope with them in advance.

3. Practice self-care

Let’s face it, families can be challenging. You may have great hopes for the holiday which are dashed by a thoughtless comment from your mother or an inappropriate “joke” by your uncle. You may become overwhelmed by the stimulation and have trouble processing all of the input. Think about what you can do to stay centered and calm in advance of the gathering. Schedule some time you’ll take a walk, do some yoga, meditate, grab a break or read your book during the day.

4. Appreciate what you have

woman meditating in gratitude, holding her hands over her heart and smiling

Make time at the table to give thanks–for your health, being together, the food you have, your home. It’s been a rough 18 months, and our lives have changed dramatically. Talk with your kids about what has gone well and lessons they’ve learned from what you have all experienced. This teaches them to appreciate what they have instead of focusing on what they don’t. You will decrease negativity and increase positive thinking, which assists children and teens with practicing gratitude.

Celebrating holidays can be difficult as we navigate family dynamics, the stress of travel and competing priorities. It’s possible to relieve some of the pressure by planning ahead and carving out time to unwind. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, practice gratitude and emphasize the good instead of dwelling on the bad. Lift your own spirits by acknowledging what you’re thankful for, and help spread positive feelings among your family and friends.

Wishing you and your family a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

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ADHD, Emotional Regulation and Managing Family Conflict: Replacing Time-outs with Time-in or Time-apart

Young girl with ADHD curled up looking scared about getting a time-out on the couch, while viewing an upset parent with their hand on their hip looking at herMany parents of ADHD children and teens come into my office and report that nothing really works in terms of discipline and consequences. “My son just doesn’t care what we take away,” or “my daughter laughs when we ground her.” While all kids balk at rules sometimes, those with ADHD tend to squawk more often and louder. Commonly associated with ADHD are emotional regulation and executive functioning challenges, so instances where your child or teen needs to manage anger, inhibition or flexibility, for instance, can be difficult. How you decide to handle any family conflicts that might arise is important. To rein in and redirect undesirable behaviors, parents have to respond instead of react and rely on pre-arranged interventions. The Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM) can help your family make well-considered decisions about how to manage emotional meltdowns and behavioral infractions–with options that foster connections instead of conflict.

Rethinking Time-outs for ADHD emotional regulation

The phrase I Will Not repeatedly written on chalk board

Many parents rely on using Time-outs when emotions start to escalate in the family. But Time-outs focus on the “wrong-ness” of the action, rather than on the child or teen’s accountability. Most kids experience them as punishment, which makes them feel worse about themselves. They frequently feel like they are ‘bad’ people who are engaging in ‘bad’ behaviors that, because of their ADHD, they often can’t control.

In addition, Time-outs usually don’t teach emotional regulation because learning this key executive functioning skill requires modeling and support–not isolation. Of course, a child in Time-out will eventually calm down, but they usually don’t come away from the experience with the necessary tools for self-awareness to use the next time they become triggered and dysregulated.

What’s behind big emotions

Young girl yelling with parents closing their ears in the background

Let’s look at the biology of a quick, intense rise in emotions–the amygdala takeover. It takes around six seconds for the adrenaline released during an amygdala takeover to dissipate in the brain, but up to 10-20 minutes for the effects on the body to wear off. During this time, the ‘thinking brain’ has gone offline, and emotions are ruling the day.

This is why you can’t negotiate anything in these moments. Creating a plan of appropriate options for settling down and self-soothing is what’s called for instead.

Using a Time-in or Time-apart to support ADHD emotional regulation

father soothing his kid on the couchIsolating your upset child or teen to cool down when emotions intensify can be helpful for some people but provocative for others. While using a Time-out, such as sending your 10 year-old son to his room, when he is in a meltdown might offer you some relief, it may not be the most effective solution for him.

Instead, he may need a quiet few moments with you on the couch, rubbing his head and reading a book. This is an example of using a Time-in to manage ADHD emotional dysregulation.

Though it might be the opposite of what you feel like doing when you are activated, give it a try. Exercise self-Control (one of my 5 C’s of ADHD Parenting) by taking a deep breath, going to the bathroom to get centered, and then showing up for a hug and that quiet activity.

On the other hand, after you and your 16 year-old daughter argue about her curfew, you may need 20 minutes alone with a cup of tea, and she may want 20 minutes to listen to some music on her bed. Both of these can happen with a Time-apart. It’s not punitive; it’s recuperative. 

Learning the Family Emotional Regulation Method (FERM)

The FERM relies on a pre-negotiated intervention that gives you options in the moment. As a family, talk about the pattern of emotional eruptions and lay out some strategies in advance. This way, you can better cope with what is going on when the ‘thinking brain’ goes offline. In addition, you avoid power struggles that result in banishing your ornery teen or crying child to their room out of anger and frustration. You’re also not stuck needing to invent interventions off the cuff. Instead, you integrate self-soothing strategies that work for everyone.

The Family Emotional Regulation Method is based on creating an environment for families living with ADHD that teaches self-regulation through collaboration when family members can think clearly and aren’t feeling upset. This strategy relies on the positive aspects of your parent-child connection–the bond that incentivizes cooperation in the first place. 

Here’s how to create your FERM: 

1. Identify the patterns

Set aside a time for one or two family meetings (15 minutes maximum) to discuss and name the triggers and characteristics of family meltdowns. Identify signs that emotions are heating up. What contributes to their escalation? What would help everybody slow down, recover and pivot? How long is an ideal recovery time for you, your child or teen? Write these down.

2. Think about your own responses:

How are you responding to your child or teen’s intense emotions? How would you like to respond? How can you help your child or teen with ADHD learn emotional regulation strategies? What tools could help you stay settled? Write these down for yourself and keep this list on your phone so you can look at it when you start to feel overwhelmed.

3. Improve cooperation:

Use everybody’s desire for fewer arguments and more peace in the house as motivation for implementing your family plan. This lies at the heart of kids’ buy-in. When you ask for their opinions and include them in your strategies, kids with ADHD feel more interested because they are working with you: you are allies on the same team to reduce conflict and nurture closeness.

4. Create your FERM chart:

Download your free FERM Chart Template handout here!

Example:

Ferm Chart Example

– Trigger: Setting a time limit on playing Roadblocks or Minecraft

– Kid’s Typical Reaction: Yelling and protesting

– Your Typical Response: Taking away screen privileges for the rest of the day

– Your New Planned Response: Calling a break in the action for agreed upon amount of time before escalation

– Time-Apart or Time-In Option: Ask whether your child wants a Time-in (activity together from list) or a Time-Apart (choice of self-soother)

– Recovery: Quick conversation that explores accountability and next steps

5. Practice makes progress:

Create realistic goals, aim for steadiness instead of perfection and remember that everybody is doing the best they can in a given moment with the tools available to them. It takes time and practice to change family habits of negative interactions. Try out an intervention, expect to make adjustments and then try it again.

Picture of a father with his arm around his son outside, having a conversation

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Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:

Deeper dive:

Sources: Cuncic, A. (2021, June 22). Amygdala Hijack and the Fight or Flight Response. Verywell Mind. Retrieved November 17, 2021, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-during-an-amygdala-hijack-4165944.

Sissons, C. (2018, July 17). What happens when you get an adrenaline rush? Medical News Today. Retrieved November 17, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322490.

 

Attention Talk Radio – Perfectionism and ADHD: Obstacle or Motivation

“Got ADHD? Are you a perfectionist? Have you ever thought about what it is to be a perfectionist and if you are how to deal with it? In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, ADHD coach Jeff Copper (www.digcoaching.com) interviews Dr. Sharon Saline (www.drsharonsaline.com) to get her perspective on perfectionism and ADHD. We’ll talk with her to better understand if perfectionism is an obstacle or if it’s motivation and how to manage it with intent. If you’ve got ADHD and struggle with perfectionism, this is a show that will help you break it down into components to manage it to your benefit. Tune in for insights.” Click play below to listen to the interview, or listen at AttentionTalkRadio.com.

Wandering Attention and ADHD: How daydreaming can help you relax and think creatively

young boy with ADHD relaxing and daydreaming on a tree on a sunny dayMany parents and teachers are concerned when they see children or teens daydreaming or spacing out. They wrongfully assume that daydreaming is not ‘productive’ and is therefore a waste of time. However, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity, exploration and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in. The importance of occasional attention wandering is something that author Daniel Goleman refers to as “open awareness.” It’s a way of perceiving your surroundings without getting caught up in the details; allowing your thoughts to wander freely and spontaneously. This wandering attention is how we come up with new ideas, find inspiration and problem-solve creatively–which is not only useful, but quite productive.

Focused Attention and “The Thinking Brain”

On our busy days, our brains spend most of the time purposefully assembling, managing and applying information while engaging in actions, behaviors and self-expression. We focus our attention on a variety of situations, people, problems and solutions. This focus results from interactions between three parts of the brain: lower, middle and frontal. 

head diagrams with gears

The lower brain works mostly out of our consciousness, monitoring sensory information and events in our environment.

The mid-brain monitors and processes emotions.

The frontal lobes, also called the prefrontal cortex, are often called ‘the thinking brain.’ It houses executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, sequencing, self-reflection and impulse control that push away distractions and point the mind on a single task or thought. The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop at age 25 or so and is specifically affected by having ADHD. Of course, cultural norms, technology and trauma all affect our attention, as people learn to navigate through their lives, society and the world at large. 

Wandering Attention and ADHD

We are bombarded by information every moment of every day, which creates what Goleman refers to as the “neural buzz” in our brains. This ‘buzz’ can easily interrupt us and overwhelm our capacity to manage our focus through our ‘thinking brains.’ Children, teens and adults with ADHD have brain systems that are associated with creative mind-wandering. There is some thinking that ‘zoning out’ might actually be a time when innovative connections between new ideas are occurring.

When we make space for wandering attention, we not only give ourselves more opportunity for creativity and connection, we also help minimize that persistent and overwhelming ‘neural buzz.’ Moreover, open awareness and mind drift are powerful tools for boredom relief and metacognitive thinking.

Ways to help your mind wander

So, what does this mean for you and/or your child? Simply put, allow for some down time—time when the brain can free-associate and take a break from the demands of technology, relationships, academics and performance. This time is critical for balance. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Create technology-free time

Use technology-free time for whatever else you or they want to do–including, and especially, nothing. Set limits for this time if your child is struggling with ‘doing nothing.’ Consider making a list of ‘nothing’ activities that foster brain breaks. Examples of low dopamine activities are reading, listening to music, playing in the yard and taking a walk. 

2. Explore the great outdoors

Spending time in nature is one of the best ways to let your mind rest and your body recharge. The key is to pick an activity that you enjoy or your family enjoys doing together. Hiking, biking, swimming and canoeing are all wonderful activities. If your child prefers something less active, bring a picnic lunch to the park, fly a kite, build a snowman or gather shells at the beach.

3. Play with a pet

girl and mom playing with dog

Playing with pets is a fun way to unplug and unwind. Most kids have a natural affinity with animals, and walking a dog or taking care of a pet for a weekend can be an uplifting experience for people of all ages. If you or your family doesn’t have a pet, ask a friend, relative or neighbor who does.

4. Meditate

Older children and teens may find meditation beneficial. With enough practice, it can alleviate stress at the end of a busy day, or help them stay calm before an exam or musical recital. Meditation is a particularly helpful tool for parents–often helping with regaining perspective in times of stress, increasing self-awareness and practicing patience. Fortunately, there are now a myriad of guided meditation apps and videos you can try to help you practice on occasion or in a new routine.

person on the couch daydreaming and holding a mug of tea We benefit in many ways from zooming out and letting our minds wander. In the same way we feel recharged after a good vacation or a relaxing day at home, we need to give our minds a break from the constant buzzing. Find an activity or two which will help you take a break and kick back. A little bit of doing nothing is sometimes better than constantly doing something.

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Deeper dive:

Sources: Goleman, D. (2015). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Harper.

YourTango – Social Anxiety & ADHD: How to better manage anxiety with supportive planning and preparation

“Social anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent, often last six months or more, and restrict your activities, interests, and relationships.”

Read the article featured on YourTango! Read the original blog post here.

The Peaceful Parenting Podcast – Episode 22: Understanding ADHD with Dr. Sharon Saline

“What do we do when our child gets an ADHD diagnosis? How do we best support a child with ADHD? As a mom of a child with ADHD, as you’ll hear in this episode, getting a diagnosis was relief and fear of the unknown all wrapped into one.” Listen in as we talk about:

  • What is ADHD?
  • The three types of ADHD
  • How to help our kids build working memory
  • Why understanding extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation is important
  • Dr. Sharon’s 5 C’s of ADHD parenting approach

Click here to listen to the episode!

The Peaceful Parenting Podcast logo with a photo of Sarah Rosensweet by the ocean

Productive Procrastination and ADHD: How to stop running in place and start tackling your goals

A person with ADHD working on building a pile of colorful pens next to a laptop at the table.Many people with ADHD think that procrastination is a natural part of having ADHD and, all too often, see themselves as being incapable of getting things done that they would like to. However, most procrastinators rarely spend their time doing nothing. Instead, they are great at doing other things–sharpening pencils, picking the right music to listen to, tidying up the kitchen, etc.: anything but the main task. It seems that people with ADHD who procrastinate can be productive, as long as they’re focusing on a task that interests them and isn’t too challenging. When people engage in more interesting and approachable tasks, while putting off a more important task that might seem overwhelming, it’s known as productive procrastination.

Procrastination, ADHD and anxiety

Procrastination can be debilitating. Your child with ADHD puts off her science project until the day before it’s due; you wait to clean your house until an hour before your in-laws arrive when your panic about having a messy living room kicks in. Adrenaline jumpstarts your activity level by fueling your dopamine pathways to fire. Often, procrastination is a form of anxiety; you’re not sure that you can do the task, project or assignment the way you want to, or at all. You’re worried and uncertain about the outcome, so you avoid it and set it aside until the due date is right in front of you.  The term productive procrastination was first used by Piers Steel in his book, The Procrastination Equation. Productive procrastination is also known as ‘procrastivity‘ (Russell Ramsey, Ph.D.), positive procrastination or structural procrastination. Often, people put the big ticket items at the top of their to-do list–if they make one–followed by other easier items. Then, they aim for the low hanging fruit, even if it means they are wasting their time. 

The short term relief of productive procrastination

A black alarm clock in front of a bright yellow background with a teal sticky note that says "LATER" on the clock.

Productive procrastination is a delay tactic that feels good because you are getting other things done while avoiding the onerous or unpleasant ones. You keep yourself busy with something else and stay away from the big thing that’s really looming over your head. You still do things that need to be accomplished, but what you work on is less urgent and important than the items you push aside. This makes you feel temporarily better because you feel like you are making progress and you are. But this short term relief increases your long-term stress.

Productive procrastination and the ADHD brain

Reducing productive procrastination relies on self-regulation and the ability to prioritize. You have to do a brain dump: identify what’s critical to do right now (emergencies and crises), and then sort out everything else. This is where folks with ADHD stumble; it’s tough to determine what is most important if urgency isn’t attached to it. An adolescent boy with ADHD practicing productive procrastination on his phone at the table in front of his computer It’s harder to write a history paper or finish that work report than it is to do the laundry. Both need to be accomplished, but doing the laundry is less cognitively demanding than writing, so it gets pushed to the front. It’s a task that’s more on autopilot than the creative, organizing, sorting and persistence needed for research and writing. That’s why ADHD brains wander off to do those tasks first. Tasks that lend themselves to productive procrastination often have a time frame, with clear starting and endpoints. Doing the laundry or taking out the chicken to defrost for dinner is a finite task. Written work, especially if you throw in perfectionism, does not. The ADHD brain, driven towards the satisfaction and engagement from tangible, higher dopamine activities (those that seem more easily achievable), will focus on those activities first.

4 tips to combat productive procrastination:

1. Break down big tasks into smaller chunks

When you complete a piece of work, the work not only then seems smaller, but it also helps reduce your anxiety about completing it. Create a fixed time period to work on it so it doesn’t takeover your life. If you are parenting a child or teen with ADHD, prepare to assist them in chunking assignments and chores. Take stock of what you’ve accomplished when you take your pause. You’ve done something, keep going!

2. Pay attention to and address mood issues

Your son may not want to walk the dog because he’s not in the mood. Your daughter may pick an argument with you to avoid doing her math homework. You may struggle yourself to summon up the effort to sit down and balance your checking account. Overcoming your negativity using emotional control, and starting anyway, is what’s called for. With a smaller chunk of work as your goal, and a set start and stop time, you may find that you can summon the motivation to begin. Consider playing soothing or inspirational music, making a cup of your favorite tea or setting your timer. Ask your kids what would help them get into the frame of mind. The mood may never arrive, and that’s okay. Do it anyway. If you can’t, make a plan with a friend, family member or work buddy to help you talk about what’s bothering and sit down at your desk. If there is nobody you can reach, talk it out in your voice memo, or write it out for a short timed period. Think about how you will feel (positively) on the other side of doing some work.

3. Avoid negative self-talk, exaggeration and trickery

Negative self-talk will tell you that you can’t do things that you actually can do and probably have accomplished in the past. Anxiety often erases memories of courage and competence, and our negative memory bias doesn’t help. Anxiety also distorts things and can exaggerate the discomfort or impossibility of doing a task. Many people with ADHD also deceive themselves into thinking they cannot do something because it didn’t work before, without giving themselves a chance to try it again differently. This is true for kids, too. Challenge these parts by recalling previous successes. Think about a time when you dreaded doing something and left it until the last minute.

    • How did that work out for you?
    • What was the price you paid to complete it?
    • Do you want to do that again?

Create some phrases to talk back to this part of you:

    • Say, “Yes, I can do this, and I have succeeded in the past.”
    • Or, “I’ve set my timers, I’ve planned my reward when I stop, so let’s get started.” 

4. Build a strategy to reduce productive procrastination

Use your logic and ask for help when needed. These tools will continue to improve prioritization skills. Over and over, ask yourself (or your child) about the time and value factors related to the tasks on your to-do list:

    • Is this urgent?
    • What is the importance of this task?

Identify helpful supports–whether digital apps or human advise. Create a map of how to approach the hard stuff, how to set up meaningful incentives, and what tools you might need for self-regulation to get there. If you are really struggling, consider finding a buddy who can assist you or keep you company in this process. Young boy hugging his mom while she sits at the table with work in front of her

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Sources: Ramsay, R. (2020, July 16). Procrastivity (a.k.a. sneaky avoidance) and adult ADHD coping. Psychology Today. Retrieved November 3, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rethinking-adult-adhd/202007/procrastivity-aka-sneaky-avoidance-and-adult-adhd-coping. Steel, P. (2012). The procrastination equation: How to stop putting things off and start getting stuff done. Harper.