How To Stand Up For Yourself When You Have ADHD (at Work, in Friendship and with Your Partner)

Despite growing awareness about ADHD and neurodivergence, there is still a false assumption that somehow people with ADHD can be “less than.” What’s even worse is that many folks with ADHD internalize this stigma from a fairly young age and it grows into a negative thought pattern that plagues them through adulthood. They may think of themselves as deficient, unreliable, or incapable. This couldn’t be further from the truth as we know that ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with being an outside-the-box thinker and doer. But as long as those misconceptions remain out there, it falls on individuals to educate others and, all too often, defend themselves. If you’re thinking this isn’t quite fair and passes on too much responsibility, you’re right on both accounts. Be that as it may, it’s still up to you to learn how to stand up for yourself and overcome negative thinking. This will not only help build confidence but will also make you more resilient. Let’s look at some strategies to help you advocate for yourself.

Build Self-Confidence & Self-Worth

woman smilingSo many people with ADHD have a nagging, sometimes debilitating inner critic. How can you succeed when the pesky voice in your head is putting you down and holding you back? You can counter the inner critic’s voice by strengthening your inner ally. This positive coach is the one who provides encouragement, reminds you of your value, and recognizes the good in things you do. Strengthen this ally by paying attention to what is working, what you enjoy doing and when you feel happy with something you did.  At the end of each day, with your partner at dinner, via text with a friend, or in your journal, acknowledge three things that went well. They can be big or small, important or trivial. By taking time to acknowledge the good, you give less oxygen to the voice that questions your worth. So often we are our own worst critic. Judging yourself harshly can sometimes be a reality check, but usually it just demoralizes you. It’s tough enough that others may judge you. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve. You’ll be building self-confidence and self-worth instead of fueling anxiety.

Ask for Help

hikers helping each otherAsking for assistance or delegating tasks doesn’t come easy for many of us. Some adults with ADHD struggle with perfectionism as a means to control outcomes so there are no mistakes. But living well means learning as you journey through life. Sometimes, we have to lean on others for support. At other moments, you might have to stand up for yourself and tell your boss, friend or partner what you need without shame or fear of being judged. When you can’t do it alone, your first step is accepting that. There are times when you can’t do it alone and that is okay! Becoming comfortable with asking for help relies on several things: 

  • Accepting that it’s okay not to know how to do something  
  • Accurately assessing personal strengths and limitations
  • Understanding that learning happens through trial-and-error experiences 
  • Acknowledging that perfection doesn’t exist

Progress counts more than perfection. Perfection is impossible to achieve but so many of us aim to achieve it. When we can’t we freeze or berate ourselves or, in the worst cases, give up trying. Instead of setting unreasonable goals, focus on smaller, attainable goals that you actually can meet. Making progress on a task is always better than striving for perfection and getting nothing done. 

Use A Growth Mindset Approach

I'm possible graphicShift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as less than. Transition from seeing yourself as less than into building your confidence about what you like about yourself, your unique ADHD brain and what lights you up. Asking for help and being open to learning doesn’t make you weak or a failure. It actually makes you stronger because you are accepting yourself as you are–warts and all. Understanding your limitations and asking for assistance is how we learn and grow. This is what’s called a growth mindset: the ability to reflect on your emotions, behavior, and circumstances and make adjustments as necessary for continued learning and living fully. When you reframe self-evaluation from good/bad to working/not working, you reinforce a growth mindset and bolster your resilience. You acknowledge problems without succumbing to failure mentality, avoidance or giving up. A growth mindset provides a way to focus on continued learning, improving efficiency in problem solving and identifying tools and resources you need along the way. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of “YET.”  Tell yourself, “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.” Be patient with yourself and ask the same of others.

Lean on a Friend

friends outside with bikeHaving someone to lean on when times get tough is necessary and rewarding. When you find yourself confused, frustrated, or in need of emotional support, having a buddy to turn to is invaluable. They can help you figure out a difficult problem, provide a different point of view you may not have considered, or simply offer a shoulder to cry on. A good friend can cheer you on and advocate for you just as you do this for them. They understand your challenges and offer support and advice during tough times. Nurturing loving, caring relationships are mutually rewarding and a few true buddies fill these roles. You don’t need a dozen friends in your inner circle and most people, despite their social feeds, really don’t have more than this.

Own Your ADHD

accept understand empower graphicIf you’re not fully comfortable with your ADHD diagnosis, it may be tempting to conceal or avoid it. But hiding your ADHD means you’ll continue to struggle, feel ashamed and hold yourself back. The best approach to standing up for yourself is to be as open and honest about your ADHD as you can. Different situations call for varying levels of self-disclosure. If you are unsure about what to say or when to say it, discuss this with a trusted friend, caring family member or a mental health professional. In this way, you will be more likely to get help when you need it and access resources that will actually help you be more productive and confident. It really is ok to say, “I sometimes struggle keeping up with conversation in large groups” or ‘I need to take notes in meetings so I don’t forget any important details.” I like to remind my clients that we are all perfectly imperfect. Show yourself for who you are while putting your best foot forward. Allow your authentic self to shine.

Ask Dr. Saline: How Do I Stop Apologizing For My ADHD?

woman frowningDear Dr. Saline, I’m a senior in high school and I was diagnosed with ADHD in fifth grade. I get distracted easily, forget things and blurt things out more than I should. Then I feel really bad. I’m always saying “I’m sorry.” Last week, my two best friends told me that I apologize too much.I really want to break this bad habit  before starting college. How do I stop apologizing for my ADHD and just own it? Thanks, Carmen

From Dr. Saline:

Dear Carmen, sorry note on coffee cupIt’s quite common for people to apologize for their ADHD. Feeling bad about things that they say or do, many folks are embarrassed of who they are as a neurodivergent person. But shame about being different can lead to walking around judging yourself for not measuring up and worrying when you will make a misstep again. Often, regardless of your accomplishments, it can be hard to hold onto your successes. Imposter syndrome and perfectionism can make this even more intense.  The best way to stop apologizing for your ADHD is to start by reducing the stigma and shame of your diagnosis. This may sound like an overly simple solution, but it’s actually a process that will take some time to develop. You can’t stop apologizing if you feel bad about who you are. You’ll need to first understand the source of the negative thoughts you’re confronting. Then, once you  work on catching these and reframing them into something less critical and harsh, you can redirect your feelings. Quieting the negatives will result in amplifying the positives and minimize how often you say “I’m sorry.” This can be a tough exercise for people with ADHD because they’re so used to living with negative experiences and challenges. But with practice, you can learn to normalize, accept, and embrace all aspects of your ADHD.

ADHD, Shame, and Self-Sabotage

outcast teenBefore changing the habit of apologizing for your ADHD, let’s take a step back and understand what’s behind the behavior. The shame you feel about ADHD likely took hold early on in your journey when people let you know that you were “different” from your peers or not measuring up to expectations or neurotypical norms. Over time, these comments make you doubt yourself, increasing nervousness and worry about messing up or embarrassing yourself. This heightened insecurity led to anxiety about doing something “wrong” again. Apologizing, distancing yourself, or avoiding situations for fear of feeling “less than” others became a pattern of protection. You didn’t want to disappoint others and didn’t trust that you would be okay. So you blame yourself and apologize to compensate for the natural challenges of living with an ADHD brain. Many, many people with ADHD have developed the exact same coping method. Like you, they realize that it no longer serves them. 

5 Tips To Help You Stop Apologizing for Your ADHD

confident man at his deskShame tells you that you have made a mistake and you are a bad person for doing that. Guilt tells you that you’ve made a mistake but you are still a good person. You can reduce shame by shifting the negative thought patterns and accepting your humanity. Everybody makes mistakes and there is nothing wrong with you because you do too. It’s how we respond when we mess up and knowing what we need to be accountable for that makes all of the difference. You can alter your responses to people, situations and actions by mindfully adopting new skills.

  1. Research, uncover and own the shame –​ Acknowledge when you struggle with shame, and write down when it occurs. Then wonder about it instead of spiraling down into disgust with yourself. When does shame occur? Is it when you’re asked to help someone? Or when you’re participating in a group project? Own the trait and then reframe your thinking to be more positive. For example: “I interrupt because I am passionate.”
  2. Pay attention to what went well –​ Each night before you go to bed, write down 3 things that were good enough that day. They don’t need to be big victories. The idea is to simply take note of positive daily things so you can build up that energy. Maybe you enjoyed watching your favorite show, or helped a friend with a math problem, or reached your goal of running three miles. Tap into feelings of gratitude for what is going well in your life.
  3. Ask for help – You may hate asking for help for fear of looking weak or incompetent. But when you refuse to ask for help, reject it when it’s offered, or pretend you’ve got things covered when you really don’t, you make life much harder for yourself. Remember, your goal is to relieve your stress, increase productivity and gain confidence. Don’t let shame and fear stand in the way. Recognize when you would benefit from assistance and remember that asking for help is empowering, not demeaning.
  4. Accept the ADHD brain that you have –  We all have different types of brains that process information in unique, creative and idiosyncratic ways. These differences are part of what makes people diverse, interesting and innovative. Talk about your challenges with others instead of being embarrassed about them. Everybody has their own strengths and limitations. You may have had some tough experiences in the past, but on the whole, people are far more accepting and understanding than you may think.
  5. Amplify what you enjoy or do well  – When you make more space in your heart (and your mind!) for what you love, you’ll gain more confidence and perspective. This is the antidote for feelings of shame and diminishment. Consider your talents, abilities, and activities which bring you joy and try to do more of them each day.