Category: Anxiety, Depression & More

Coping with the recent mass shootings: Advice for processing senseless gun violence in America

Two people sit next to each other on a couch, one comforting the other, holding hands.I had planned to write a blog this week on a hot topic related to ADHD–avoidance procrastination. It was outlined and researched. But, when I sat down to write, I couldn’t focus on it. My thoughts, my heart, my grief were with the people in Uvalde, Texas. How can we approach coping with these recent mass shootings? Ten days after a racist shooting in Buffalo, New York at a grocery store, and ten years after the unspeakable tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, Americans are once again dealing with another horrific mass shooting. This small community West of San Antonio will be forever marked by this unspeakable event: parents, siblings, friends, extended family members, coworkers and neighbors whose lives will never be the same. This tragedy has also triggered, and possibly re-traumatized, thousands of people who lost loved ones at similar atrocities: Parkland High School, Sandy Hook elementary school, Columbine High School, Las Vegas, Pittsburgh, Charleston-–the list goes on and on. It’s nearly impossible not to be affected by this devastating news. In fact, it can be related to a biological response based on vicarious trauma.

We grieve, again: Traumatized by mass shootings in America

Text says "police line do not cross" on yellow caution tape.Although I live in Massachusetts, far from Texas, my heart aches for the Uvalde community. Senator Chris Murphy said tonight, “This is not inevitable.” A mother who lost a child a few years ago in a similar shooting commented that it is beyond insanity for us to continue to witness these events and offer our sympathy without any real policy change. It is inhuman. But, as these events re-occur, so many of us have become inured to these murders and to other atrocities of war and hardship across the globe. Our brains don’t have pathways to make sense of these senseless deaths. Many people feel hopeless, frustrated and powerless as we hear about the mass shootings occurring again and again. Despite the research that “84% of voters, including 77% of Republicans, support requiring all gun purchasers to go through a background check,” no legislation has been passed. How do we understand this ourselves? How do we explain this to children? The issues raised by such horrors force us to examine ourselves as a country and our values as people. We:

  • feel shocked and afraid
  • share the pain and grief we see
  • are not sure how to respond because it is confusing
  • reach out for comfort and to offer solace
  • talk to each other
  • discuss our emotions, our thoughts and our perceptions as a step towards healing.

We pray, we make food, we donate clothes, we offer hugs. And, we fight for real change.

Advice for adults and families processing senseless gun violence in America:

Here are four tips to help you cope with this latest tragedy and, if you have children, talk with them about it.

1. Process your reactions first

You may feel shut down, incredulous, enraged or devastated. If you are a survivor yourself, or you know someone who is, you may be overwhelmed with re-experiencing your own trauma. Talk about what’s going on for you with someone who cares, who understands and who will offer you the support you need. This may be a partner, a relative, a friend, a co-worker or a counselor. Due to the widespread and immediate accessibility of news through social media, you may need to limit the time you spend in front of a screen to titrate your exposure. Consider doing something that will reduce your powerlessness, such as volunteering to send food, or working with an organization towards a cause you believe in. Getting active and participating is a great antidote to feeling alienated.

2. Shield young children, and share facts with the older ones

Think about what you want to say and how you would like to present information to your child–based on their age and developmental level. Children under the age of ten can be frightened by headlines about school shootings. They can also be disturbing images related to this story or the war in the Ukraine. Nonetheless, they may hear about things from their peers. Since kids are naturally curious, and will read things that are left around, put away newspapers or magazines with potentially upsetting images or tag-lines. Give them a one or two sentence summary about what has happened so they are informed but not scared. Answer their questions honestly but not extensively: they don’t need to know a lot of details that could upset them. Try not to watch or listen to the news while they are within earshot. If they hear about what happened from other people, or express distress about it, ask them questions. In addition, be available to talk when they approach you. You might want to remind them that they are safe right now, and you and their teachers are working together to keep them safe. Listening to their feelings, and validating their concerns without solving them, helps foster the resilience they need now and later in life.

3. Be straight with middle and high schoolers

Ask your preteens and teens what they have heard and how they feel about it. Use open-ended questions, such as “What do you think about what has happened?” or “What types of concerns do you have about how this could relate to your life?” Be prepared that they may not want to discuss this at all right now, but they may have a delayed reaction and bring it up next week. Avoid oversharing details and, again, monitor the amount of news they are exposed to. They may search for things online without your knowledge, but you also don’t have to have the news on in the background while you are cooking or eating dinner. We want to limit the possibility for any secondary trauma, which can occur by seeing disturbing images repeatedly. Listen to what they have to say and validate their feelings. They know that you can’t fix things. What they want is a supportive place to discuss emotions and explore ideas. Talk about ways to get involved, as many teens like to solve problems and move into action.

4. Acknowledge bravery

Counteract all of the negative and frightening information by focusing on examples of courage and our common humanity. This will reduce despair and help you (and your kids) manage fear and anxiety. There are people who have said and done amazing things to help others during the massacre in Uvalde, the war in the Ukraine and other atrocities. There are people who have survived the losses of loved ones from a past mass shooting, who are talking about their experiences to help others. Some have started foundations and organizations dedicated to ending gun violence in schools and communities. They are our heroes: they manifest the type of humane, compassionate values we aim to live by and want our children to emulate. Share their stories–with your kids, with your friends, with anyone who will listen. Their courage is an inspiration for all of us. Today, my thoughts and prayers are not only with the families in Uvalde, and also with families everywhere who have lost a beloved son, daughter, spouse, parent or relative. May the memory of those lost be a blessing to us all.

Donate to verified fundraisers on gofundme.com:

Texas Elementary School Shooting Relief 

Buffalo Mass Shooting Fundraisers

Ukraine Relief Efforts

A stitching of a red broken heart being stitched together with white thread against a gray background.

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Navigating College with ADHD: Setting yourself up for success LIVE on June 20th, 7:30-9:00pm EDT: Register here. "Navigating College with ADHD: Setting yourself up for success" live webinar and Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline, Monday, June 20, 2022, 7:30-9:00pm EDT, Register today at DrSharonSaline.com." Beyond High School Graduation: How to help neurodivergent teens prepare for their next chapter May 2022: Access the recording here. Defeating the Worry Monster: Tips & tools for helping elementary school children with ADHD & anxiety February 2022: Access the recording here.

Sources:

Eyokley, E. L. (2021, March 10). Voters are nearly united in support for expanded background checks. Morning Consult. Retrieved May 26, 2022, from https://morningconsult.com/2021/03/10/house-gun-legislation-background-checks-polling/ Knorr-Evans, M. (2022, May 24). “what are we doing?” asks Connecticut senator Chris Murphy after a mass shooting in Texas kills 19 children. Diario AS. Retrieved May 26, 2022, from https://en.as.com/latest_news/what-are-we-doing-asks-connecticut-senator-chris-murphy-after-a-mass-shooting-in-texas-kills-14-children-almost-ten-years-after-the-sandy-hook-attack-n/

 

Lynn C. Davison Q&A with Dr. Sharon Saline: How to Help Our Autistic Young Adults Get Things Done

Video Recording of the Live Q&A on May 13, 2022 with Dr. Sharon Saline and Lynn C. Davison https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLXTz2IsLjQ

Dr. Sharon Saline Answers Questions About How to Help Our Autistic Young Adults Get Things Done

“We want to meet our kids where they are. And then I think one of the 12 things that may not be but we want to meet our kids where they are rather than where they think they should be. You know, and I think that this is really a challenge for all of us. Whether we are parenting neurotypical or neurodivergent kids. We want to be able to, we have to be able to put aside the things that we think should be this way or the advice that we have and let kids figure it out.” – Dr. Sharon Saline

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Worried and Watchful: 7 Strategies for Helping Neurodivergent Kids Manage Anxiety

A graphic of 4 illustrated kids managing anxiety, sitting on the ground and looking upset inside gray bubbles Most kids and adults just want their anxiety to go away NOW. As parents, we try to anticipate and cope with the fear of our child or teen by trying to protect them from the pain. I don’t know about you, but this rarely worked in my family because the worries just came back. Instead, anxiety needs to be addressed head on. We have to teach our kids tools to cope with their own worries. Helping kids learn to manage anxiety will help them feel empowered and confident to take risks and meet unforeseen challenges.

Anxiety relief – beyond reassurance

Anxiety loves reassurance because it offers short-term relief from discomfort. However, telling kids that everything will be okay, or not to worry, only increases long-term anxiety. These reassurances don’t work because you are not teaching the necessary coping skills your child or teen actually needs. Instead, everybody benefits when you take a different approach. Although it’s more useful to acknowledge their fears, validate their concerns, and brainstorm solutions–together, let’s face it–this can be a tougher road to travel.  

Neurodivergent kids: From anxious to resilient

Unlike nervousness, which goes away once a skill has been mastered, anxiety can take over a child or teen’s life. Worry differs from anxiety. Worry refers to how we think about something. Anxiety is a physiological response based on negative thoughts and distorted beliefs. We cannot eliminate anxiety; it’s a natural human response that’s evolved for survival. It thrives in the petri dish of natural child development and also in a culture that is obsessed with comparisons and instant gratification. Without useful self-management strategies, and unable to access the internal resources they need, anxious kids can freak out and refuse to do anything. However, they can learn to talk back to worried, negative thoughts. They can also practice relying on past successes for confident choices in the present. These strategies will help them learn how to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing. They can also learn to accept the possibility of disappointment. This is how neurodivergent youngsters develop the resilience that’s crucial for becoming a competent, successful adult.

How ADHD and anxiety differ and relate

Sad and anxious preteen walking alone outside, wiping a tear from her eye Despite misdiagnoses, ADHD differs significantly from anxiety. While kids with ADHD wrestle with organization, working memory challenges and impulse control, kids with anxiety struggle with compulsive, obsessive or perfectionistic behaviors, psychosomatic ailments and debilitating specific phobias. Issues related to food, housing or job insecurity, systemic racism or trauma further intensify anxiety. According to the CDC, approximately 7.1% of children aged 3-17 years old currently have an anxiety diagnosis. But, for 34% kids with ADHD, anxiety is often a frequent companion. Neurological patterns and executive functioning challenges make it harder for kids to manage big feelings. Plus, neurodivergent youngsters often miss visual or auditory cues or misread facial expressions. These challenges can foster social anxiety and social discomfort. Concerns about ‘messing up again’ amp up into persistent worry about the next time that they will (unwittingly) make a mistake, say an unexpected comment or forget something important.

How to respond to your kid’s worries

Anxiety is a shape-shifter. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to deal with one issue, another one pops up. It’s like playing Whack A Mole. To avoid this frustration, you’ve got to step back. See how your youngster’s anxiety operates, and don’t react to the content. Young boy looking upset as his father sits next to him, trying to help him feel better It’s the reaction to the worry–not getting rid of it–that makes the difference. Dismissing concerns (“This isn’t that big of a deal. You’ll be fine.”) doesn’t honor the reality of their worry. It will grow. Reassurance (“Don’t worry, everything will work out.”) also doesn’t provide a lasting solution. That’s because your teen learns to rely on other people making things okay for them, even though no one really can. Instead, validate their concern by saying, “You’re right to be scared. You’re not sure you can handle that. It’s natural to worry in that situation. What else could you say to yourself?” This lets them know that you heard their worry and acknowledge that it’s real, while simultaneously guiding them towards managing it. Practical tools for helping kids manage their own anxiety is what works best to reduce it. Here are 7 strategies to try.

7 Strategies to help neurodivergent kids manage their anxiety

1. Manage your own concerns first

Kids have incredible radar. They easily pick up when their parents are stressed or anxious, and it increases their own distress–consciously or unconsciously. The first step to helps kids manage their anxiety is to lower your own anxiety. Discuss your concerns with your partner, a friend, extended family member or counselor. Write these down, and then strategize responses or to-do action items for each by creating an Anxiety Decelerator Plan. This ADP will help you feel like you have some control. For instance, if your child needs more academic support, you can contact the school to set up a meeting.

2. Identify their worries

We can’t assist kids in turning down the frequency or intensity of their anxiety unless we know what’s causing it. Worried thinking and environmental triggers can set off children and teens. We want to stop this tumble. During your weekly or twice a week check-in meetings (these are a must), explore what might be uncomfortable or uncertain for them. Write these down. Pick one fear together to address first. When its volume is lower, you can pick another. Remember, people can really only change one thing at a time. 

3. Change the relationship to anxiety

Think like Sherlock Holmes, and investigate anxiety like a puzzle. When, where and how does it show up? What are its triggers? Brainstorm with your teen what to say when worry arrives: “Hmm, that sounds like worry. What could you say to size it down?” In addition, separate anxiety from who your teen is. Many kids feel powerless about anxiety and benefit from redefining it as something distinct from who they are.

4. Stay neutral and compassionate without fixing

Father and daughter making pancakes together and smilingMost of the time, your teen needs your support in thinking through responses to tricky situations, but not solving them. (Of course, there will be situations when you must intervene, such as cases of bullying, violence, academic failure or risky behaviors.) Kids of anxious parents are more likely to be anxious themselves. Monitor your reactions about your child’s anxiety, and refrain from discussing your concerns in public. React neutrally, regardless of their irritating, frustrating and sometimes scary behaviors. These behaviors are demonstrating how out of control your child or teen feels inside, which is why anxiety exists in the first place.

5. Start small to build confidence

Anxiety is great at erasing memories of past successes, which is compounded for kids with ADHD and their working memory challenges. Choose a goal that’s within reach, and work on taking a small step first. What would your teen want to do if anxiety wasn’t there? Help them recall times when they took a risk and succeeded. Then, discuss how those strategies can apply to this situation. Offer them language: “I’m willing to feel unsure. I can grab onto my courage and try this.” This helps calm the anxious brain. 

6. Opt for curiosity over anxiety

It’s tough to stand in uncertainty, and, frankly, adolescence is filled with unknowns. Kids often feel a distinct lack of control in their lives, which fuels their anxiety. Instead of worried thoughts, though, you can assist kids to shift to curiosity. Where anxiety shuts youngsters down and predicts negative outcomes, curiosity opens them up to possibilities. Help kids manage their own anxiety by working with them to say: “I wonder about…” rather than “I’m worried about…”

7. Focus on building resilience

Resilience is the antidote to anxiety. When your kids identify strengths and people who care about them, and develop interests, they feel more confident. Find ways to connect on things that matter to them, like a favorite computer game or a funny YouTube video. Nurturing this connection will improve their willingness to work with you in tackling anxiety. Teenage girl standing in front of a brick wall holding up a skateboard

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“Beyond High School Graduation: How to help neurodivergent teens prepare for their next chapter”

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Sources: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, March 4). Data and statistics on children’s Mental Health. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved May 11, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/data.html. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021, September 23). Data and Statistics About ADHD. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved May 11, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html.

   

Psychology Today: How Stress and Self-Sabotage Interfere With ADHD Happiness

“Do you notice that when you feel stressed from work, school, or relationships, some of your ADHD symptoms get more intense? When we are stressed, our ​​weakest executive functioning skills are hit first. This means that you may feel flooded by anxiety or anger, or you may panic about estimating and managing time. Perhaps you distract yourself with everything but the task that is actually stressing you out.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!

“How Stress and Self-Sabotage Interfere With ADHD Happiness”

By Dr. Sharon Saline on Psychology Today

Therapy for ADHD: 5 Tips for Finding the Right Therapist for a Child, Teen or Adult with ADHD

Adult man sitting on the couch talking to a therapist.Recently, I received an email from a mom whose 11 year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia. She said, “I am trying to find someone for him to speak with. What should I be looking for in a therapist? I want to find someone that can explain to him what is going on in his brain and that there is nothing wrong with him. I’m not sure where to begin.” This is such an important issue, so I decided to write this article to help other parents and adults who are seeking therapy for ADHD. If you are looking for guidance and advice on how to find the best therapist match for you or your child, these tips are for you.

Taking the first step: acknowledgment

The first important step towards finding a therapist is acknowledging that you or your child need more support to manage work, school or daily life events. You may notice more times of sadness, anxiety or frustration. Or, you may be receiving feedback from the school that your child or teen is wrestling with completing schoolwork, making and maintaining friendships or having emotional outbursts. If you are an adult, you may find that you can’t make desired changes in your life. Or, perhaps you are using drugs or alcohol to cope with issues, or you feel lonely, disconnected and bad about yourself. Finding someone to talk to who knows about ADHD, understands executive functioning struggles, empathizes with your situation and works with you to find solutions can make things easier on all fronts.

What to look for in a therapist for ADHD

Your goal is to choose a therapist who doesn’t judge you or make you feel abnormal, but rather expresses empathy, listens to what you say, pays attention to nonverbal messages, and offers useful cognitive-behavioral, mindfulness interventions to improve daily functioning. Work with someone who can explain how your brain works and why self-regulation, disorganization, focus and initiation are common challenges when you live with an ADHD brain.

Knowledge and understanding about ADHD and co-occurring conditions

Therapist working with young adult client with brightly colored hairTherapy for ADHD, whether for children, teens or adults, includes the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of ADHD. However, it also addresses the mental health conditions that travel with it. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, bipolar disorder, trauma, oppositional defiant disorder, self-harming behaviors or substance abuse, a well-trained therapist will differentiate between these issues. They will also use a variety of evidence-based modalities to create appropriate interventions.

A licensed therapist

Therapists are licensed by the state after years of training and internships. They are legally bound to adhere to state ethical and practice regulations. They’re also trained to consider issues of race, gender identity, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status and religion that affect identity development, lived experience and emotional and behavioral management. Typically, they look at a person with a wide lens, which includes environmental, family and couples’ issues. In addition, they examine connections between feelings, thoughts, behavior and bodily health.

A seasoned therapist

A seasoned therapist takes in the whole person: what’s happening psychologically, relationally, and in their environment. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this child? Or what’s wrong with you,” they wonder about what’s happened in your life that has brought you here. They’re curious about what’s going on in your present day experiences. They also plan how you can both work together to create a future that fits you and supports your authenticity. 

What to expect in therapy for ADHD management and support

Although a crisis can be one type of motivator for wanting a therapist, some people seek therapy for ADHD in the pursuit of well-being and more satisfying relationships. Either way, when working with a child, teen or an adult with ADHD, the therapist has to do an intricate dance: They must move artfully between examining feelings, thoughts and behaviors while collaborating on interventions with the client. Family on a couch in a therapy session, with two parents with their arm around their young daughter. Interventions take aim at issues of daily living that perpetuate the problems they came in for. In order for healing and change to occur, there must be a practical aspect to the work that improves executive functioning challenges, builds self-esteem, improves resilience and lowers stress. In addition, when working with children and teens, there has to be a family component to the therapy since kids don’t live in a petri dish. They need their parents to help them develop the skills they need for maturity and independence. It’s important to get a sense of what this piece of the work would look like.

Therapy for ADHD: 5 tips for finding the RIGHT therapist

To find a therapist who best fits your needs requires a thorough vetting process. Be prepared to interview a few people before finding the one who clicks. Follow these tips to help you along the way:

1. Reflect on what you are looking for

Forget about being shy. You are shopping for a service. Decide in advance how many people you are willing to try out. Do you want someone who is quieter and more introverted, or someone more dynamic and actively engaged? Male or female? Older or younger? Be precise about what you want.

2. Do your homework

Get referrals from your physician, friends or colleagues before talking with your insurance company. Make sure whoever you see takes your insurance, and that your insurance company has approved you to meet with a few different people. You may also want to be able to interview one or two people before making a decision.

3. Conduct a phone assessment before meeting

You want to get a sense of what therapy would be like with them. Do they use the past to help you master troubling issues in the present? What types of interventions will they use to assist you and/or your child in applying and practicing what we discuss in session? Make sure that you are also clear about the logistics of therapy, including their cancellation policy and financial arrangements. Ask questions such as:

  • What type of training have you received about ADHD?
  • How many clients with ADHD have you worked with?
  • How would you describe your work?
  • Do you think you are an active participant who speaks freely, or more of a listener who speaks occasionally?
  • Do you coordinate with other professionals that might be involved?
  • When and how do you elicit feedback?

4. Inquire about collaborating with coaches

Coaching can dovetail nicely with therapy for ADHD. For example, your son may be working on social anxiety and making friends in therapy. At the same time, he might be getting help from a coach for strategies to complete homework without tears. Cartoon graphic of a woman offering therapy services to a mother and young teen. Some therapists incorporate coaching practices into their work with clients by focusing on action-oriented techniques and forward-looking goals. They may apply classic cognitive-behavioral tools, such as making lists, trial-and-error experiments, or giving an assignment for the family to do in-between sessions. Coaches, on the other hand, are not supposed to use ‘therapeutic’ tools, techniques or interventions for the treatment of a mental health diagnosis. This is because they are not a licensed therapist. When a therapist and a coach work with the same client, it’s best if they coordinate what they’re doing and clarify goals with each other. This way, boundaries can be kept clean, and progress can be monitored more effectively. 

5. Give the therapist a chance, and trust your instincts.

A young boy on a couch, smiling and listening to a therapist with his hands clasped.The first few sessions of therapy are to get to know each other and see if you are a good fit. Prepare to share information about yourself, and ask them any questions you may have about them and their work. Meet alone with the therapist once or twice before introducing your child to provide adequate background information. Then, if necessary, go with them on their first session to facilitate introductions and discuss why you are there. If things seem especially awkward, and your gut tells you to continue looking, follow your instincts. Otherwise, if there’s a natural flow of conversation, solid listening, pertinent questions and a positive connection, you might find the session going well. If that’s the case, try returning for a second session and embark on the therapeutic process.

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Helping your ADHD Teen Get Out of the “Compare and Despair” Trap: Strategies for Nurturing Self-Acceptance

group of smiling teensCan you think of a time when you compared yourself to others and felt good about yourself? How about a time when you felt like you didn’t quite measure up? Unfortunately, the latter is more common. We tend to compare ourselves to people whom we think are better or happier than we are, not worse. For kids and adults with ADHD who grow up as neurodivergent, outside-the-box thinkers, it’s common to doubt yourself and feel like you aren’t enough as you are. This unhelpful mode of thinking is called “compare and despair.” It’s the distress we feel when constantly measuring ourselves against others whom we perceive to be doing better than we are. This pattern of thinking often starts in adolescence, and, if left unchecked, holds people back from expressing their talents and reaching their full potential. Teens with ADHD are particularly susceptible to fall into this trap. At this developmental stage, they are naturally wrestling with reflecting on who they are and who they would like to become. That’s why it’s important for parents to catch the signs of compare and despair and gently guide your adolescent towards a different perspective: one that focuses less on scrutiny and more on personal value and strengths.

Measuring up to fit in

teen girl playing guitarTeenagers have a deep desire to fit in, be accepted and feel included, which is where the process of examining others and contrasting themselves begins. Adolescence is a period of growth and development, when children start forging their own identities instead of just being extensions of their parents. Teens observe and absorb how others dress, behave and function in their surroundings to figure out how they themselves should act and be in the world. They find themselves in adult bodies, but they still possess younger brains. For kids with ADHD, whose executive functioning skills can lag up to three years behind their peers, these gaps can be painfully evident. As adolescents examine their gender, sexual, racial and ethnic identity, they ask: “Who am I, where do I belong, what do I believe?” In the shifting process of pulling away from family bonds and moving into society at large, teens measure themselves against others as a way of beginning to answer these questions.

When social comparisons become unhealthy

teens focused on their cell phonesIt’s natural to compare yourself to others and look for similarities and contrasts as part of identity formation. Comparisons can be productive. A teen with a healthy sense of competitiveness is motivated to do better at school or work harder at their sport. Social comparisons can be motivating and inspiring: “I’d like to sing as well as Kaia so I can be in the musical next year.” However, they can also be dispiriting and hopeless: “Since I’m never going to be as fast as Joaquim, or play on the A squad for soccer, maybe I should just quit the team.” Kids frequently vacillate between these poles. Teens are also bombarded with idealized images, videos and stories about success, social prowess and beauty standards on social media, television and print journalism. These are often exaggerated, purposefully altered or altogether fake. It can be hard to know whom to trust and what to believe–leaving your child feeling anxious and inadequate. In fact, using social media has been found to have a significant downside in terms of self-esteem, self-concept and well-being; resulting in envy, guilt, blame, lying and increased rates of depression. When comparisons lead to an unhealthy sense of self, unrealistic expectations and anxiety, it’s not only time for a reset, but it’s also an indication that your teen may need support from a mental health provider.

ADHD teens and the compare and despair trap

“ADHD makes me feel short changed compared to others.” teen boy covering face with handThe teenage years are tough for many. For teens with ADHD, this transition period can be even more difficult. ADHD teens deal with frequent negativity, lower self-esteem and higher anxiety than their neurotypical peers. That’s why they’re more susceptible to falling into the compare and despair trap. How much of this is due to ADHD, and how much of it is adolescence? It’s hard to tell, and there’s no clear answer. Teenagers who are already suffering from low self-esteem or depression are more likely to make frequent social comparisons. This is especially true for teens with ADHD, who have often received messages from a young age that being a different type of thinker was neither something positive nor to be admired. Therefore, your adolescent needs help learning how to see contrasts between themselves and others in a more positive light, with more curiosity and acceptance and less negativity.

How can you help your teen reduce compare and despair?

Here are 5 strategies for resetting unrealistic expectations and fostering self-esteem:

1. Identify islands of competency.

What does your teen like to do and feel good about doing? Nurture this so they spend more time doing it. Guide them towards paying as much if not more attention to their strengths than their challenges.

2. Notice what is going well–when, where, what and how.

Point this out to your child. Positive feedback is essential to developing self-worth. Acknowledge small wins and validate their efforts along the way. Nurture appreciation of what is working in your teen’s life.

3. Define true friends and identify who they are.

Talk about the differences between good friends, buddies and acquaintances. Explore the traits of a friend and name the people in their life who fit into these categories. Encourage your teen to spend more time with people who make them feel good about themselves and, if necessary, assist them in figuring out how to get together with them.

4. Pay attention to what triggers negative comparisons and address those.

It’s important to help your teen find ways to either avoid these triggers and/or respond differently. Limit time on social media or get rid of apps that make your teen feel bad about themselves. Make sure you address FOMO–fear of missing out: many kids want to keep social media apps because they fear exclusion even though the app has harmful effects on their self-worth.

5. Encourage self-acceptance.

Ideally you want your adolescent to accept themselves for who they are–warts and all–and to be their own person. Deep down, they want this too. Talk about the myth of perfection. No one posts a photo of themselves with unruly morning hair or a failing grade on their history paper. Explore with your teen the limitations of comparing their insides to other people’s outsides. You really can’t know what is going on under the surface for another person. Source: Monroe, J. (2019, January 4). The theory of social comparison and Mental Health. Newport Academy. Retrieved April 13, 2022, from https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/theory-of-social-comparison/

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Emotional Wellness Strategies for Women with ADHD: How to reduce self-criticism & build self-confidence

women smiling with raised armsMarch is Women’s History Month, a time to recognize and celebrate women’s strength, accomplishments and contributions. Women carry a lot on their shoulders–from family, community, school and work responsibilities to societal expectations around physical appearance and behavior. That’s a LOT of pressure. Women with ADHD, and women who care for neurodivergent children, must deal with yet another layer of stress, anxiety and self-doubt. And all too frequently, women lack much-needed support. Moreover, women are often their harshest and loudest critics, making it all that much harder to feel good and empowered. Emotional wellness for women begins with learning to quiet that negative inner-voice and make more space for confidence and resilience.

The critical feedback loop in women with ADHD

women holding head in her handsAll too often, women with ADHD find themselves in a cycle of negativity. This self-critical feedback loop is hard to shake because the negative messages come from within. Women are often socialized to please others and take care of them–emotionally, physically and psychologically. Their self-worth is often feels tied to what people think about them and how many friends (real or virtual) they have instead of the uniqueness of their innate talents and personal traits. Women with ADHD, already sensitive to feedback or rejection, often interpret things more negatively and personally than the situation calls for. They are especially vulnerable to internalized low self-worth.

Change your relationship with the negative voice

smiley face yellow post-in note between two frownsWhile it’s unrealistic to completely eliminate negative thinking altogether, you can learn to reduce the power it holds. This is crucial for fostering self esteem and resilience–two key issues for women. In order to reduce its power, you have to change your relationship to the negative voice. Point out that there is a difference between real life and the stories that you tell yourself about those events. These interpretations directly influence the way someone takes meaning from whatever occurred. Putting negativity outside of yourself reduces feeling wrong or bad. It also helps you acknowledge the critical feedback loops in your mind without being ruled by them.

Make space for confidence and resilience with a positive mindset

The most powerful tool women have to counter negative thinking is self-esteem. Confidence empowers you to make decisions, get through life’s ups and downs and recover after setbacks. So while you’re quieting your inner-critic, turn up the volume on the voice that nurtures you with kindness and support.

1. Identify limiting core beliefs and negative self-talk

Find evidence that contradicts or supports those beliefs. Remember that no one is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Talk to people in your life who love and know you best, and get their perspective on all your best qualities. Consider asking them:

  • “Which of my qualities are most meaningful to you?”
  • “What do you consider to be my greatest talents?”

2. Separate feelings from being

Feeling bad doesn’t mean you are ‘less than’ or unworthy. It may be tough, but don’t allow these negative feelings to define who you are. Use self-affirming phrases such as:

  • “Mistakes are how people learn, and you’re learning.”
  • “Being wrong doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

3. Create a few helpful phrases to say to yourself

Positive self-talk counter-acts that negative voice so you don’t have to believe it. Build confidence and quiet your inner critic with reminders of your strengths. Sample statements might be:

  • “Everyone makes mistakes, including me. What can I do differently next time?”
  • “There’s no such thing as perfection. It’s okay to stumble, just keep trying.”

4. Use a growth mindset approach

Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons or judging yourself as ‘less than.’ Transition from seeing yourself in a negative light to practicing compassion and kindness toward yourself. This involves taking time for some self-reflection. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of “YET.” Tell yourself:

  • “I may not be able to do this YET, but I am learning.”
  • “I might not feel ready YET, but that could change soon.”

5. Practice healing meditations

Picture yourself in your “happy place.” Visualize the face of someone whom you love and trust. What supportive words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? Write these down, and meditate on these images and words whenever you need to heal or empower yourself. If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of knocking yourself down, learning to pull yourself back up takes A LOT of practice. Learning to control the volume on that negative voice is a life skill that sustains crucial resiliency and self-esteem. It’s one step at a time so stay patient and persistent!

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Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel:

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Reducing Regret as an ADHD Adult with the 4R’s

girl looking up with her hands on her head looking upset with regret, like she forgot something Do you live with regrets? Regrets for things that you’ve done or things that you wish you had tried? If so, you are in good company. Many adults with ADHD carry around feelings of sadness, remorse or disappointment over something that happened in their lives or something that they did. This regret often acts as a form of self-sabotage: it’s a way to put yourself down that prevents you from living more fully in the present. Since you can’t go back, what’s called for is learning how to accept your actions, forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and pursue opportunities or interests in new ways. In essence, pivot and focus on changing what you can and you’ll start reducing regret and improving resilience.

Enduring the many challenges that come with ADHD

When you have ADHD, weaker executive functioning skills frequently show up in daily struggles with verbal or behavioral impulse control, emotional regulation, organization, planning, time management and setting and completing goals. When you wrestle with these challenges over time, it can seem impossible to break old habits and create newer effective ones. To make matters more complicated, you may also criticize yourself for times when you yelled inappropriately, showed up late to an important meeting, missed a friend’s birthday or made a joke that fell flat. Perhaps you’ve engaged in knee-jerk reactions that you wish you hadn’t and lost work or meaningful relationships as a result. Shame and blame quickly set in and band together to lower your self-esteem and your confidence. Now you are living with intense, negative self-talk that seems impossible to change.

Reducing regret with the 4R’s

meeting with professionalsAs adults, though, you can change your behavior by mindfully adopting new skills that create new neural pathways to offer you choices instead of reflexively reacting. Over the years, you, like many others, probably learned to hide your vulnerability underneath defensiveness and anger. What you need are new tools to tolerate your big emotions, manage hurt and disappointment and stop being your own worst enemy It’s not easy, but it is possible to stop “horribilizing” the events in your life and your own actions and start “efforting:” taking incremental, small steps toward doing more of what works. Focusing on the 4R’s can help you reduce regret, nurture resilience and rebuild self-compassion.

The 4R’s for reducing regret:

1. Radical awareness:

Look at thwarted dreams or disappointing actions and name them. Track when, where and how pessimistic or antagonistic thoughts arise. 

2. Recognize:

Identify what was going on in your life at that time. Consider environmental, psychological, social, school, work or family factors.

3. Repair:

Ask yourself what it might take to restore a relationship or situation. How can you make amends, listen to feedback with more interest and neutrality and be (more) accountable?

4. Reconfigure:

Based on comments from others and your own assessment of yourself, reflect on how you can alter reactions or behaviors that hold you back from creating satisfying connections or achieving personal goals. Work on shifting just one thing: something you’ve adopted over time that gets in your way or hurts others. This can be intentional or not. Don’t try to change your whole personality: that’s neither realistic nor achievable. Instead, keep it small and doable.

Reshaping regret takes time, practice and forgiveness

two women hiking in the forest on a cloudy day Regret is a very powerful pattern to reshape. Changing it takes time and practice. Taking responsibility for your part with honesty and humility reduces shame and blame and leads to personal empowerment. It can be tough to be honest with yourself without judgment or to share your feelings and be vulnerable. That’s natural. Take it slow, and start with small things. Notice and validate your efforts by writing down at least one way that you responded differently each day–what went well. Focus on nurturing compassion for yourself, and start the progress of forgiveness–for yourself and towards others. Remember, we all do things we wish we hadn’t when we lack the personal or socioeconomic resources to make different choices in a given moment. Now you are shifting to new patterns of creating healthier coping strategies and living without less regret.

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Watch on Dr. Sharon Saline’s YouTube Channel: https://youtu.be/AZGrbNjUGlo Handouts, Videos & More in Dr. Saline’s Store: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/shame/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/whats-up-with-all-this-anger/

 

Psychology Today – Hyperfocus and ADHD: Productivity Superpower or Kryptonite?

New Psychology Today Article by Dr. Sharon Saline

Four strategies for understanding and managing hyperfocus successfully.

“Are you ever so engrossed in an activity that time seems to stop and nothing can tear you away? Does it ever seem like you lose a sense of where you are and what’s happening around you? This can be the experience of hyperfocus for many people with ADHD. Hyperfocus is defined as “a phenomenon that reflects one’s complete absorption in a task, to a point where a person appears to completely ignore or ‘tune out’ everything else.” Read the full article by Dr. Saline!