Month: February 2021
Narbis: The COVID-19 Pandemic and the Uptick in ADHD Diagnoses
ADHD Talk Radio – Shame: the Kryptonite for ADHD Motivation
Overcoming 3 Common ADHD Parenting Struggles during COVID
Many families living with ADHD feel bogged down right now. As the COVID winter drags on, remote/hybrid learning combined with parents’ professional responsibilities are beyond tiresome. Families are arguing more than they would like as everybody’s fed up and kids are often pushing back. Although we can see a light at the end of this long pandemic tunnel, we’re not there yet. What can you do today to ease the tension in your life and improve connections with your child or teen? Improving cooperation at home means starting with listening and observing what your kids are saying and showing you with their words and behaviors. Most kids with ADHD are well beyond their coping comfort zone. They’ve stretched and adapted to this year of online school, social distancing and peer isolation as much as they can. They’ve relied on screens for their education, their play and their socializing. Many are regressing in terms of self-reliant living skills and they are depending on you in ways they haven’t in a long time. They may well be acting out towards you because they can’t contain their anger, anxiety or frustration any longer. You are their safe harbor. It’s so tough not to react in these explosive moments but self-Control and Compassion are what’s called for. As long as you import whatever negativity they are exporting and react strongly, your upset becomes their focus. They’ve succeeded in getting rid of their unmanageable emotions and can blame you for being unreasonable instead. But this isn’t a healthy solution. Instead, manage yourself with whatever tools you can (breathing, using the bathroom, drinking some water) and use reflective listening to mirror what you hear them saying. Make sure you set ground rules with logical consequences (not punishments) for physical behaviors such as kicking, hitting or breaking things or using inappropriate language. Tell them, if you do X, you will not earn Y. Limits help kids understand that their choices affect others. Once you are steadier, you can address your family’s current challenges. I’m hearing about three main themes from people: stress, negativity and boredom that lie at the core of many difficulties. Let’s look at each of them.
Stress:
Whether it’s food, job or housing insecurity, pressure from work or school demands, everybody has a shorter fuse these days. Some of the tension comes from having unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children based on how people performed previously. Many kids with and without ADHD have lost some of their coping skills. You can assist them by adjusting your expectations to the reality of the present situation. Whatever children and teens were able to accomplish in pre-COVID school and life may be very different from what they can do now. If your child or teen is really struggling to attend classes and do the work, arrange a meeting with the school right away and talk about what types of support and alternative learning options are available. At home, have a family meeting about chores that includes when to do them and any supervision your child may need. Link their “have-to” tasks to their “want-to” activities and have them earn bonus screen time, family games or picking the take-out menu. Shift the bar and re-establish the bare minimum. You can always raise it again when the pandemic is over.
Negativity:
All of us continue to live with more worry and frustration than we are accustomed to. Kids feel confused, sometimes despairing, about what they’ve been missing and many have lost hope about the future. It’s difficult for ADHD brains, with their NOW/NOT NOW thinking, to see a better time ahead when the present feels miserable. We’re seeing higher levels of anxiety as ‘what if’ thoughts circulate in kids’ heads and they expect and exaggerate negative outcomes. With higher levels of anxiety, isolation and anger, we’re also observing more depression, particularly in teens, as they have moved on from disappointment to loss of hope or a sense of meaninglessness about their lives. Much as you would like to, it’s impossible to snap your fingers and make everything better. But you can help them shift their perspective. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, on their powerlessness to change things and in their isolation, you can work with them on controlling what they can. Forget about the ‘I should’s” and focus on what they actually CAN do. Talk about resilience fatigue, discuss what coping looks like and start a tradition of naming a high and low (or as one of my clients calls it ‘a happy and a crappy’) at dinner. You want to make small shifts from what isn’t working to paying attention to what is.
Boredom:
We’ve all got this. Instead of aiming for happiness based on previous levels of activity, aim for satisfaction. Routines that foster predictability and organization are so important for kids, especially those with ADHD. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t shake things up a bit. Together, brainstorm a list of zany things to do:
- have breakfast for dinner once a week;
- make popcorn and have a mandatory family movie night;
- visit a local place you’ve never been and have wanted to check out;
- return to a favorite ice cream parlor that’s a car drive or bus ride away;
- host a short zoom dance party in your living room and let each family member pick a song;
- have an ongoing card game or puzzle.
Ask your friends for ideas of things they’ve been doing to break up the monotony. Make the effort to leave the house a few times a week, if not daily. Go outside to parks, trails or walking paths you’ve not visited before. Exercise with your kids so you all get moving. The fresh air, sunlight and nature will lift all of your spirits.
Learn more:
Psychology Today – ADHD Time Warp: How to Stop Being Late, Frustrated, and Overwhelmed
22 News Mass Appeal: Kids feeling bogged down? Here are four tips to boost motivation
Divorce and the ADHD Family: 3 Essential Tips for Better Co-Parenting
Divorce is so complicated. It can be tough on both kids and parents. For kids with ADHD who already struggle with organization, time management and transitions, going from one home to another can be disconcerting. They need their parent to establish and maintain consistency between the homes, whether that’s two sets of favorite toys or assistance packing their stuff. The most important thing for predicting a positive outcome for these children and teens is how well the divorcing parents can place their kids’ well-being over their own discord. This means that, despite whatever animosity or distance has led to the divorce, both adults consider what serves their youngsters in terms of their lives not just what works best for the parents. To that end, here are 3 suggestions.
Take the long view on adaptation:
Think about what will help your child or teen adjust to the new family arrangement. Getting used to different homes and shifting structure takes time and can be uncomfortable. Go slowly to help kids adjust to the massive changes in their lives. Be patient and expect pushback in terms of anger, anxiety or withdrawal. Instead of judging them or getting frustrated, acknowledge current challenges by saying something like “Of course you are struggling, we all are. That’s normal in this situation.”
Create consistency:
Separate homes shouldn’t mean separate rules, responsibilities and routines. The more consistency there can be between thetwo homes, the better it is for the kids. Of course, you and your ex don’t have to do everything in the exact same way and you probably won’t. That’s one reason you’re not together. But be on the same page about the big stuff such as screen allowances, academic responsibilities and logical consequences for inappropriate behaviors.
Manage negativity towards the other parent:
This might be the toughest task but bad-talking the other parent to your child only creates unnecessary anger and resentment ultimately towards YOU. No child wants to be caught in the middle of any battles between their parents. Do your best to find someone else to complain to: a therapist, coach, good friend, sibling, cousin–anybody. You want to be able to show your child that you can support and celebrate them as a family at sporting events, graduations, performances, etc. in their lives. Take a deep breath–you’ve got this!
Learn more:
Just Education Podcast: Episode 36 – Teaching in Covidland Panel Discussion
Parade Media: Living With Anxiety Is Uncomfortable, Breathing Exercises Can Help—Here Are 10 to Start With
Teens, ADHD and Procrastination
Many teens with ADHD procrastinate and appear to lack self-discipline. Why? Sometimes they have anxiety around how to approach the task, how to complete the task or possible outcomes of failure or rejection. Sometimes they have perfectionistic tendencies that require energy and focus and can delay them wanting to start a task. On the other hand, they may struggle with motivation and/or confidence because they have either given up on themselves or have received messages that the adults in their lives have given up on them. Other times, they can’t come up with any solutions to help them feel motivated for self-discipline. So how do you know what’s really going on with your teen’s ADHD and procrastination, and how can you support them? Let’s dive in.
Teens with ADHD: Independent?
Teens with ADHD can push back extra hard because they have heard countless times over the years about what they don’t do right. Argh! It takes courage each day to go to school. They often don’t feel successful academically and, even if they are, they are still immersed in challenges.
Teens with ADHD tend to want to do most things themselves. They want autonomy and to put parents on an “as needed” basis. They’re learning more about themselves and are interested in leaning more into their social groups and communities. Yet, they still rely on parents for safety, security and support. Striving for connected independence often works best.
Ask. Collaborate
In this discussion on ADHD and procrastination, I want to highlight the 3rd of my 5 C’s of ADHD Parenting.– Collaboration
Collaboration: Work together with your child and co-parent (if you have one) to find solutions to daily challenges instead of imposing your rules on them.
It can be hard, sometimes really hard, not demanding, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you finish a simple worksheet!” These reactions are hurtful and are often based in exhaustion, when our proverbial cups are less than half full. Take time, when you both are feeling calm and ready to talk, to connect with your teen instead, and listen to what they have to say about their thoughts, feelings and experiences.
Ask, as an Unbiased Researcher
“What’s happening so that you can’t do X, Y, Z?”
Now we can look at data and address changes that can help motivate our teen AND help change their inner dialogue.
Understand Shame
What is the leading cause of wanting to do everything themselves? Shame.
“I was embarrassed that I had a disability. I didn’t want to be seen as someone who needed extra help.”
“Let me do it myself. I don’t like people seeing me as weak.”
You may not see shame. Instead, you might feel their anger, see their tears, or hear yelling about something unrelated.
Procrastination and Initiation
What it the biggest reason teens with ADHD struggle with procrastination? They often have trouble getting started. What may seem easy to us, may seem enormous to people with ADHD. They can be masters of avoidance. “Why start it if I can’t ……?”
Initiation has to do with the size of the task, their interest in the task (dopamine reward), and the level of difficulty for the task. Breaks make a daunting project seem more manageable.
Start Small
Executive functioning challenges that often accompany ADHD and impact procrastination include struggles with initiation, planning and time management. Breaking down assignments into chunks makes tasks seem much more manageable — making them easier to approach and get started. This also helps teens plan out the steps into a series of smaller tasks.
Before starting, prepare for how long they can realistically focus. For instance, ask, “How many examples can you do before you want to throw your book across the room?” Then, they might say, “Five.” Start with the number they say, and then take a break.
Jot down the tasks and notes so you can keep track and not worry about remembering any or all of the steps. Write down how long tasks are expected to take, and reflect on how long they actually took. I highly recommend creating your own personal project planner so you can organize your tasks in a creative, visual structure that works for you.
3 Ways to Make Tasks Seem Smaller:
1. Use a timer.
This method makes the task of completing an assignment in that clocks hands, not the parents. “Cool. Okay, let’s work for 5 minutes and then take a 3 minute break. I will set the timer for the break. When it goes off, you can do 5 more. When you completed an hour, you can have a longer break.“
2. Make lists.
Teens with ADHD and procrastination challenges often have trouble planning what to do — and when. Sit down and ask, “Do you want to do the hardest first, then medium-difficulty, and then easiest? Or easiest first for a sense of success, and then harder, and medium last?” This works well for homework, chores, etc.
3. Make tasks fun!
Listen to music. (Their preferred music is best!) Tell jokes or stories of fun memories. Time yourselves for how fast you can pick up portions of the room, and make a game of it!
Read more blog posts:
- Parenting Older Teens with ADHD: Land the Helicopter and Focus on Scaffolding
- Personal Project Planners for ADHD Minds: Start managing tasks, time and ideas with this creative tool!
- Want better conversations with your child or teen with ADHD? Use the WAIT-Now Method
Deeper dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/motivation/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/