Includes two articles by Dr. Sharon Saline:
In the whirlwind of the holidays, it’s easy to forget the true meaning of the season–connecting with loved ones and giving back. The spirit of giving goes beyond buying stuff. As fun as it is to give and receive material possessions, it’s important to nurture what you can’t get at the store–relationships, community and generosity. When we engage with others in meaningful ways, we not only do good in the world, but we feel good about ourselves. It may take a little extra time and creativity, but it’s well worth it. There are countless ways to choose people over stuff during the holidays. Volunteering, donating to charity and giving experiences are all valuable ways of giving back and lifting spirits.
Giving experiences instead of stuff offers folks something unique that will provide them with lasting memories. Perhaps it’s an experience they’ve wanted to do but not been able or willing to arrange for themselves. Or, it’s an opportunity to spend time together while sharing an interesting activity. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive; sometimes it’s the simple pleasures that bring us the most enjoyment.
By giving an experience, you are offering someone the opportunity to go beyond their comfort zone with the encouragement of a kind friend. Teaching kids that gifts don’t always come in a box is invaluable. Here are a few examples of experiences that make wonderful gifts:
Ice skating, sledding, board games or a trip to an arcade are just some of the ways friends and families can connect. Kids might enjoy doing something special with their grandparents, cousins or friends: a sleepover, baking cookies or setting up a tent in their room and “camping in”.
A membership to a museum, zoo or nature preserve is a gift that keeps on giving–it’ll be enjoyed all year and you’ll help support a great institution. Memberships are also available in many theaters, symphonies and other arts organizations.
The gift of learning can be enjoyed at any age and you can find lessons for just about every interest: sports, cooking, art, music–the options are plentiful. Whether you find a private teacher or group lessons through a local adult ed program, you should be able to find resources within your community.
Donating to charities or donating your time is a form of giving experiences. These rewarding activities stretch people, especially kids, to think outside of themselves and consider others. Charitable experiences teach us important and fundamental life skills.
Children, especially, will benefit from practicing gratitude, empathy and acts of kindness, and this, in turn, will help them develop into kind, caring adults. When kids get involved in charitable work, they start to learn the feeling of gratitude. They become more appreciative of what they have in their lives. You are also deepening your relationship by doing a meaningful activity together.
Giving your time to help others really makes a difference, especially during the holiday season. If you’re in the position to lend a hand, show your generosity of spirit by doing something for those in need. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, delivering meals or helping coordinate a toy drive are just a few options. If a more personal experience is more your speed, consider baking cookies for friends or raking leaves for an elderly neighbor.
Giving to charity, a non-profit or other worthy cause is another way to choose people over stuff. You may have clothing or books your family has outgrown which can go to a family in need. Or there’s an organization doing great work to which you’d like to contribute. You may want to brainstorm charities and causes you’d like to support together as a family. By getting the whole family involved in the conversation, you’re likely to inspire more enthusiasm. Lead by example and show how good it feels to help others.
Gifts which are experiences alter both someone’s perspective about themselves and about the world around them for the better. When you engage in an activity, you are participating in your world and interacting with your community. This action-oriented gift has a ripple effect in ways you can’t necessarily see. It spreads good will, increases self-esteem and sets a good example for others to follow. Whether you help, create or share an experience with someone, make it meaningful and caring during the holidays and all year long.
Read more blog posts:
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube channel:
As the new year approaches, it’s a good time to look back on the previous year and set goals for the next. Reflecting on accomplishments motivates us to do more of the same and keep those good feelings coming. Acknowledging what didn’t work out is just as important, allowing us to learn from those experiences and make adjustments in the future. With the many ups and downs of the past 12 months, it’s important to start 2022 with a focus on positivity toward yourself and others. These days, it’s more important than ever to nurture existing relationships and form new ones. When we prioritize self-growth and friendship, we feel stronger, more confident and more resilient. Let’s kick off the new year by setting some meaningful and achievable relationship goals.
Before you can develop stronger relationships, you need to feel good about yourself. Take some time for self-reflection, and write down what your identify as your qualities and strengths.
What is one trait you like most about yourself on which you could improve? Make nurturing and expanding this trait your goal for the upcoming year.
Think about the person you really want to be–whether it is braver, warmer, kinder, more authentic, more compassionate, a better listener–and focus on that. This is a good exercise to do with your children as well. Help them identify what they love about themselves and what they’re good at. Cheer them on, and encourage them to share their best qualities with others!
Be mindful, but don’t overdo it. Set a reasonable and achievable goal, and identify how you’ll evaluate your progress. Keep a journal, or ask a friend to give you regular feedback. Finding a way to keep yourself accountable will help you stay on target toward achieving your goal.
Our emotional well-being depends on our abilities to develop and maintain strong bonds with others. Feeling connected and supported boosts our confidence and helps us ride out life’s bumps and bruises with more resilience. But a relationship will not grow without care. It’s a give-and-take process and needs nourishment to thrive. Fortunately, there are plenty of tried and true ways to nurture existing relationships and confidently form new ones.
Even with busy schedules and hectic lives, it’s important to carve out time to spend with family and friends. Those who know and love us most can best lift our spirits, comfort and guide us. So, seek out opportunities to be together as often as possible. Creating a regular or weekly dinnertime routine that works with your family’s schedules is a great way to engage in regular check-ins. Invite your friend over for coffee, go for a walk with your sister, or take up a new art class with your partner. While you’re at it, encourage your loved ones to do the same. Sharing an experience together deepens the relationship.
Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers or classmates, there are more opportunities to stay in touch now than ever before. If you’re unable to meet in person, be sure to call, text, email or video chat. The method is not as important as the action. Keep the bonds in your relationships strong by sharing what’s happening in your life and staying up-to-date on what’s going on with others. Send photos, exchange book recommendations or music playlists. When you can’t be together, stay connected in other ways.
Accepting invitations to social gatherings is a great way to stay connected and meet new people. Although this may be tough for some, especially those who experience social anxiety, it’s worthwhile to nudge yourself outside of your comfort zone and give yourself the opportunity to interact with a variety of people. You may be pleasantly surprised by a new experience or an enjoyable conversation you didn’t expect to have!
Model this optimistic approach for your children, and be sure to leave a little room for flexibility. Some kids feel uncomfortable going to an unfamiliar house but would be fine inviting a new friend over. The goal is to create opportunities for new connection and grow relationships by saying ‘yes’ more often.
Is there someone whose company you enjoy but haven’t been able to spend time with? Maybe it’s someone with whom you’ve chatted in a group setting but would like to get to know better one-on-one. Or, perhaps it’s someone you recently met and would like to get to know. Moving past any fear of rejection, especially if you experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (which is common with ADHD), can be difficult. Take the first step toward relationship-building by initiating a conversation in whatever way feels most comfortable. Whether this becomes a new friendship or fizzles out, you will gain confidence and experience in the process.
When setting goals for the new year, set the tone with a positive, productive mindset. An optimistic approach will help you build confidence in yourself and in your relationships. Identify your strengths, and see if you can take them further or apply them to new situations. Nurture existing relationships and invest time in forming new ones. Be kind to yourself and know your limits. But make it a point to stretch yourself a little in order to grow and live a fulfilling and rewarding life. 
Read more blog posts:
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel:
Shop handouts, seminars & more in Dr. Saline’s Store.
In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, many of us have shorter fuses. Tempers flare, angry words are said, and the joy of family gatherings suddenly sours. Sadly, the stress of special events can lead to negative interactions, behaviors or outbursts. Whatever you celebrate, you have the opportunity to pivot from feeling shutdown to being connected. The holidays bring joy, lightness and good cheer. Practicing forgiveness with your family (and yourself) will assist you in having a happier, fulfilling experience.
Living with ADHD can be challenging for kids and adults and the people who love them. Children and teens test limits, argue about routines and struggle to manage intense feelings. It’s tougher for them to remember their chores, to brush their teeth daily or to stop playing Fortnight or using Instagram.
Like adults, kids and teens may know what they should do, and sincerely want to do that. However, due to challenges with impulse or emotional control, they cannot make better choices with consistency. Sometimes, it’s unclear to folks with ADHD and their circle of friends, relatives and caring adults what behaviors are purposeful and what reflect having ADHD. This confusion leads to blame, shame and frustration.
Forgiveness is a purposeful decision to let go of feelings of resentment, blame or revenge towards someone who has hurt or harmed you–whether or not you think they deserve it. It does not condone what they did, but rather frees you from the pain of holding onto your anger and criticism.
Forgiveness is about mercy and compassion. It is something you offer because you realize that it is the most effective response to a situation. Forgiveness encompasses an awareness that a number of social-emotional and environmental factors influence reactions, emotions and behaviors of people with ADHD. It’s also about being cognizant of your self-righteousness.
Whether your young adult son refuses to take his ADHD medication and can’t seem to hold down a job, your ten year old explodes when you won’t let him watch R-rated movies, or your teen repeatedly leaves their dirty socks on the couch–what you can control is your response.
Yes, you’re agitated and disappointed. Yes, you know the medication will help, PG-13 movies are more appropriate and the socks belong in the hamper. But, what’s needed here is understanding about their struggles, scaffolding to teach executive functioning skills, following natural and logical consequences and, frankly, letting some things go.
Forgiveness is part of the holiday spirit, because it offers somebody the gifts of kindness and generosity of spirit. Empathy is a key component of forgiveness, particularly when we are talking about neurodivergent kids and adults. Compassion teaches us that, just like us, they are doing the best they can in a given situation with the tools they have available to them in that moment. This is especially true for their Now/Not now brains. When flooded with strong emotions, rational thinking goes on a quick vacation, and the amygdala takes over with survival responses instead of thoughtful, cognitive ones.
When you are in pain–anger, sadness, guilt or shame–it’s much harder to practice empathy or compassion. It’s common for people (parents, partners, children or teens) to export this pain onto others. Then, those folks take it on and try to fix it. However, this is usually an impossible task, because you are not a miracle worker, and your capability to make things ‘okay’ is limited. Rather, acknowledge what is going on, brainstorm potential solutions together, and see what happens. Focus on doing your own work, why you feel triggered, and how the present situations might replicate something from your own history. Set up a family policy of using a Take-Back of the Day to demonstrate forgiveness in real time.
Rather than berating yourself for not being good enough at home, at work or in your relationships, practice accepting yourself, as you are, instead. Decrease your expectations about your professional, academic or parenting skills so you don’t walk around feeling like a failure.
A mother recently told me: “I’m pretty good at forgiving my 3 children with ADHD, but I struggle with not forgiving myself and blaming myself. I feel like I can never do enough to provide the structure they need.”
Pay more attention to what you are doing with the resources you have available. Everybody stumbles: two steps forward and one step backward is still forward motion. If you make a mistake, be accountable for your actions without going into a shame spiral of self-loathing. This is really tough to do, especially for perfectionists. But it doesn’t serve you, and it certainly doesn’t model for your kids how they can accept themselves. Start by forgiving yourself for something small, such as yelling about bedtime, rather than tackling all of motherhood.
Forgiveness is an ongoing practice: it’s a gift that grows and changes over time. Releasing your resentment increases your potential for happiness and contentment. This is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones! 
Read more blog posts:
Watch on Dr. Saline’s YouTube Channel: Deeper Dive: https://drsharonsaline.com/product/apologies/ https://drsharonsaline.com/product/home-seminar/
(Mass Appeal) – When kids are home from school and it’s vacation, they often default to using their devices 24/7 and that is certainly not ideal. Today we welcome Clinical Psychologist Doctor Sharon Saline, with some practical ways to manage screen time for kids.
“Have you ever tried talk therapy? It can be intimidating, learning to open yourself up to a stranger, but with the right therapist, it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable for long. We’re continuing our series on ADHD interventions with Dr. Sharon Saline, psychologist and ADHD specialist. She joins to talk to you, the therapy novice, about what you can expect from therapy, what you should expect from your relationship with your therapist, and how you can make the therapy relationship thrive in support of your ADHD.” Listen to the episode below, or click here to listen at TakeControlADHD.com.
Do you ever wish that you could pause time, take back something you said, and start over? Would you like to be someone who has quick comebacks in conversations, instead of thinking of something good to say 10 minutes later? The holiday season, now in full swing, comes with countless gatherings, celebrations, and–more often than not–the stresses of social interactions. Typical elements of conversation and communication can be tricky for people with ADHD or other neurodivergent individuals; they may interrupt or speak too quickly, space out unintentionally and miss key elements of a conversation, have difficulty processing information, or feel insecure about what they have to say. Learning some useful techniques for listening and speaking more effectively can help neurodivergent individuals improve their interpersonal skills and reduce social anxiety.
There’s a general assumption that all people are in complete control of their words, actions and emotions, and that everyone knows the unspoken, unwritten and often mysterious rules of social engagement. However, this doesn’t account for neurodivergent experiences, strengths or challenges with communication. It also neglects to account for the effects that anxiety and depression can have on the body and mind during interactions.
Some neurodivergent people might prefer more direct communication. Others might prefer communicating through art or story. Many prefer social opportunities where they aren’t pressured to make eye contact or sit still, or where they can easily take breaks and then join back in conversation. Just because neurodivergent people might approach social communication differently than a neurotypical person would, doesn’t mean one approach is preferable over the other. Let’s take a more compassionate approach and explore how we can all become more confident communicators.
There are two types of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Verbal communication has to do with words we use to explicitly communicate an idea. Nonverbal communication is what we implicitly express through specific behaviors, body language and demeanor. Verbal communication can be difficult enough on its own, but when we also need to track nonverbal queues, like posture, tone, and physical proximity, social interactions can feel overwhelmingly hard. I’ve compiled some tips to make this process easier.
When asking to join in on a conversation that’s already in progress, be friendly and respectful. Listen and observe before communicating, so you can understand the subject that is being discussed and can get a sense of what’s happening emotionally among the participants.
Be genuine–be yourself!
Ask questions, but don’t feel the need to conduct an interview. Plus, it might come off as dominating the conversation.
Practicing pausing before making any responses or judgments. Consider validating the other person’s concerns or experiences, and not minimizing them.
If you miss something or get distracted, that’s okay! It happens. Try to come back slowly, by first listening to assess what’s happening. It’s okay to ask someone to repeat something for clarification if needed.
It helps to reflect back part of what you hear, which validates the other person (they feel heard) and helps you remember parts of the discussion. Try using a mirroring statement, such as “So, what you’re saying is...” or, a summarizing statement, like “Oh, wow. You just got that new job!” This reflection will also help compensate for potential wandering attention, because you are sharing some of the details you heard (even if you’ve missed others!).
Avoid giving directives. No one wants to be told what to do. It’s best to gently suggest or ask about a way of doing something instead of telling someone what or how they should act. For example, instead of saying, “You should ask for a promotion or find another job,” try rephrasing to use a softer approach, such as, “Would you consider asking for a promotion? Maybe it’s time to look for another job.”
Pace yourself. Try to noticing your communication speed, and whether it seems to work well for the other participant(s). Would talking faster or slower be a helpful adjustment to your or the other person(s)? Their facial expressions might help you monitor their reactions and whether you need to make a change or take a little pause.
Remember, effective communication is a back-and-forth process where participants take turns speaking and listening. Be mindful of how others respond to you to help the conversation flow smoothly.
Remember, it’s okay to leave at any point during a conversation if you feel uncomfortable or would find a break helpful. When you’re ready to leave, it might help to keep it quick and simply communicate your need to leave: “Great to see you again! I’ve gotta run. See you soon.” Likewise, when someone expresses a need to exit the conversation, respect their needs and avoid prolonging the conversation.
Neurotypical people often express interest and engagement by expressing openness and calmness, with relaxed posture and eye contact or by leaning forward. They often express judgment and discomfort by appearing more closed off, with crossed arms or legs, or by looking away. This might also be true for people who are neurodivergent, but some might express themselves differently, which is okay! It’s just something to be aware of.
Practice pausing and being mindful of what the other person(s) may be expressing through their body language, or what your body language might be signaling them. However, don’t draw conclusions from body language alone if you’re not as familiar with an individual, as it can present differently for different people.
Keeping a physical distance of about three feet apart is normally accepted as appropriate in most Western cultures, with hands and body parts kept to yourself. Consent would be expected for any closer distance or contact, especially given the current COVID pandemic concerns.
It’s also important to be mindful that some people are highly sensitive to touch and/or can find hugs, for example, to be uncomfortable or painful. If that’s you, don’t feel pressured to engage in any interaction that would cause you discomfort. If you’re a parent, respect your child’s sensitivities and needs by not pushing your child to hug relatives or friends or sit on Santa’s lap this season. See if you can come up with a fun handshake, wave or hello/goodbye phrase instead.
How loud are people speaking? Are you speaking louder or quieter than the people around you? Can you hear yourself? Are you inside or outside? Practice paying attention to your tone of voice as well. Find a buddy who can remind you to reflect on your volume or tone with a subtle, pre-arranged cue.
It’s important to maintain control over our body movements and personal space. Bring something small to fidget with if it helps you stay attentive and more engaged in a discussion. Take the time beforehand to prepare a seat if you prefer to sit, or stand up if you feel the need to stand or stretch.
Certain body movements might be noticeably distracting to others at times. If you’re comfortable with it, and feel it would be beneficial, you can let people know that your body may do things that you are unaware of, are out of your control, or that helps you self-regulate. You can make it clear that the movements are not about them. Remember to offer yourself some compassion if you notice yourself feeling insecure by reactions from others.
To better remember all of these tips in social settings, flex your effective communication muscles by remembering the acronym APPLE:
Ask relevant questions, and assess what’s happening by reading people’s faces.
Place yourself appropriately near others, observe their volume and follow along.
Use reflective statements to show that you’re listening, and express your genuine curiosity about others’ experiences.
Turn down the volume on the internal negative voice that guesses what other people are saying about you, because it’s often wrong! Stay present and engaged with what’s happening in NOW–in the moment.
Take a moment to appreciate your social connections. Practice what you’d like to about yourself and bringing up your personal interests in conversation while also receiving what’s interesting and compelling to others. Conversations are a give and take.
Becoming a strong and empathic communicator can take practice. Self-awareness, impulse control, emotional regulation and working memory, among other executive functioning skills, can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent folks. Moreover, there are issues with cultural values, social norms and interpersonal dynamics that can be difficult to interpret. With understanding, research, patient instruction and lots of practice, anyone can learn to participate in conversations more appropriately and confidently.
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Dr. Sharon Saline, Psy. D.
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