Why Some People with ADHD Refuse to Ask for Help

Refusing help

Why you hate asking for help—and how to overcome your discomfort.

Read More>>

Key Points:

    • Many adults with ADHD hate asking for help because of a fear of looking incompetent or weak.
    • Perfectionism in combination with ADHD makes it tough to trust others to follow through and meet your standards.
    • Break tasks down so you can be more specific about asking for assistance or delegating some of them.
    • Reframe vulnerability as a strength and acknowledge the courage you need to know you limitations.

Ask Dr. Saline: How to Make It Work in ADHD Relationships

Couple in relationship Dear Dr. Saline, my wife has ADHD and I do not. Sometimes it’s so frustrating and we argue more than either of us want to. Can you please offer some support for managing ADHD in couples? Sign-up for my newsletter + Free Handout | Ask Dr. Saline  

From Dr. Saline 

Dear Brady, Thanks for asking this important question. Whether you have ADHD or your partner does as in your situation, there’s one thing for certain–the tasks of living whether they are fun or tedious can often seem overwhelming and unmanageable.

ADHD & Relationships

Relationship holding handsExecutive functioning skill challenges, learning disabilities, ASD, anxiety, or depression can add to the complexity of any relationship. Sometimes these challenges are met with humor, empathy, and compassion. Other times, they produce resentment, frustration, and blame. How can you and your partner live with ADHD more successfully while nurturing positive connections?  

Learn How to Work Together

Woman and man paddling on stand up boatOne of my colleagues shared with me an anecdote from a client whose husband and two kids had ADHD and she didn’t. She compared living with her family to being in a canoe going across a lake with a group of paddlers. Everybody is paddling but each person is doing their own thing and struggling to work together. The boat, instead of going straight to the other side, is going around in circles, moving to the left or moving to the right. She ends up doing most of the paddling herself to arrive safely at the dock. This may sound familiar and feel similar to your situation.

Forget About Fairness

Man and woman pulling a ropeTo live successfully in a relationship means forgetting about fairness. Focusing on equality leads a couple down a rocky path. It may seem that one person does more of the heavy lifting.

Whether or not it’s true, we all have roles to play in our partnerships and in our families. You need to learn how to negotiate what these are so that there’s flexibility and compromise instead of rigidity and contempt.  

4 Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are all about give and take, effective communication, and acceptance of the other person’s strengths and limitations.

1. Shift your attention to what will help

In partnerships, people have different skill sets. One person may be the organizer and motivation, and the other may be better at following lists, coming up with fun ideas, or recalling specific memories from five years ago. Instead of concentrating on fairness, shift your attention to what will help nurture your relationship, foster closeness and be useful in getting things done.

2. Break down tasks into manageable parts

When you make collaborative agreements with accountability plans and lean into each other’s strengths, you can create practical and reliable routines for living and being with each other. Break down tasks into manageable parts or delegate chores based on interest and capability. Instead of fairness being your goal, aim for effectiveness and equanimity. For example, I’m better at social planning, cooking, dealing with medical issues, reserving spaces to stay on vacations, and making sure we celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. And my husband takes care of the garden, goes to the dump, manages structural house problems, and deals with airlines. Together, we take turns with the laundry, grocery shopping, and walking the dog.

3. Learn better tools for dealing with your own frustrations

Most couples have the same arguments over and over again. Whether it’s about money, who’s doing (or not doing) what, or how to parent the kids. People get caught up in (and sweat) the small stuff too often. When couples struggle like this and anger emerges all too often, they often focus on what the other person could do differently or better. This is a trap. You can’t control what anyone else does except yourself. So, learning better tools for dealing with your own frustration and emotional upset is what’s called for while understanding that emotional regulation is especially tough for ADHD brains.

4. Use my STAR method to manage intense feelings

Stop, Think, Act, and Recover are great tools to help you manage intense feelings. Why? Because you need to plan for those angry moments instead of winging them at the moment. In a calm moment, talk about what sets each of you off. Then pick one thing you would each like to do differently to respond to this trigger. Decide on a time period to cool off-anywhere from 20-40 minutes ensuring that the body has recalibrated from the burst of angry energy. Then come back together so each person can be accountable for some aspect of their behavior, words, or emotions. Discuss what the next right thing to do is and take that action. Give yourselves time and space to recover before trying to process what happened. Use “I” statements and reflective listening in those follow-up conversations.

In Conclusion

Lastly, many couples living with ADHD are so busy dealing with the pressures and responsibilities of daily life that they’ve lost track of what drew them together in the first place. Nurturing your positive connection is essential for growing your love. Find some time to remember what you like about one another. Take turns choosing an activity and mix things up by trying something new. Instead of going out to dinner again, try a whitewater rafting trip for the day, get food from a new restaurant and have a romantic picnic, be a tourist in your own town, or visit a new museum. Develop a shared interest such as playing tennis, dancing, or baking bread. Make time for intimacy. If you are not connecting positively, you will negatively. Anger and hostility also reflect a deep connection, just not a productive or pleasant one. If these activities are tough for you because there’s too much blame or resentment, I encourage you to seek counseling for more support.

Ask Dr. Saline

 

Want to ask Dr. Saline a question? Click Here

Become A Member

Please become a member of my newsletter community. You can find support and resources and connect with a group that understands your questions and needs. Click here  Follow me on social media: YouTubeFacebookTwitter, and Instagram. Invite Me to Speak | Join A Group | Newsletter | Read my blog  

Sign-up for my newsletter today and receive 10% off!

 

Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage

Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage

Do you squander your precious time and energy trying to “act normal” at the expense of your mental health? That’s ADHD masking, which may include suppressing symptoms, trying to hide your ADHD in public settings, or denying the real effect ADHD has on your life. Here, learn the signs and features of masking, and how it can sabotage your social skills, prevent accurate diagnosis, reduce self-esteem, and lead to burnout.

Read More>>

Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult with ADHD

Men waving at each other with smiles Friendship is deeply important to our well-being. It provides mutual acceptance, warmth, and trust between people. It’s a refuge and a place where you can safely be yourself and connect with others. Friends share interests, personal stories, and humor and enjoy spending time together. However, making and keeping friends doesn’t always come naturally for adults with ADHD. Challenges like social anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which are common among adults with ADHD, may make it difficult to form and maintain friendships.

Strategies to Build Strong Friendships

Best Friends with pinky swearBringing awareness to these obstacles and challenges is the first step in relieving some of the stress around interpersonal relationships. And practicing some practical communication skills means you will make progress over time, step by step. Let’s take a closer look at some proven strategies which will make it easier for adults with ADHD to enjoy close connections and strong friendships.

 

“I feel that a lot of times I genuinely do want to socialize and get to know people. But trauma and fear of rejection disables me from doing it. It’s hard to fight my brain to meet this goal.” – Gunther, age 28.

 

Friendship and the ADHD Brain

Fear is one of the most commonly reported obstacles to making friends for those with ADHD.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

I will embarrass myself. I will make a bad first impression. People won’t like me right away. I have to be perfect to be liked. These core fears, so common to ADHD, can feel overpowering and debilitating. You may know you have nothing to fear and that these statements are not true, but your negative brain goes into overdrive and overwhelms the positive parts. Some amount of worry is natural and expected. But if left unchecked, this can lead to social anxiety which will require more care and often therapy to manage.

Did You Know? Some research shows that as much as ⅓ of adults with ADHD experience social anxiety.

 

Social Anxiety

Child introvertSocial anxiety is a fear that people will scrutinize you in either familiar or unfamiliar social situations, and this negative judgment will have harmful effects on you. These worries about humiliation and rejection are persistent and restrict your activities, interests, and relationships. Social anxiety interferes with making and keeping friends.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)

Broken heartRSD is a common co-existing condition with ADHD but not a formal diagnostic category. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria refers to intense feelings related to the belief that you’ve let other people down, embarrassed yourself, failed at something, or made a serious, unfixable mistake and, as a result, people pull back their support, love, or respect. RSD causes extreme emotional pain that plagues both children and adults– even when no actual rejection has taken place. People with RSD struggle with letting go of past hurts and/or rejections and experience heightened emotional sensitivity. They may hold onto unkind words or actions directed towards them for months or years. You just can’t seem to shake off their comments and believe at some level that you deserve them.

Strategies for Making and Keeping Friends

Neighbor bringing a dish overThere’s a saying I really like: “Be a friend to have a friend.” When you express caring toward someone and extend a hand in friendship, you will put yourself in a better position for friendships to blossom. Sure, you may need to “make the first move”, introduce yourself, and get the ball rolling, and this can be uncomfortable at first. With enough practice, you’ll get the hang of it, and I assure you, it will get easier.

Making friends depends on these 4 factors:

1. Resilience is key to making friends; being able to shift and be flexible. 2. Proximity provides easier access and spending time with others. 3. Seeing people repeatedly throughout a range of settings builds trust and enjoyment of each other’s company. Build up information about a person’s behavior, likes, and dislikes. 4. Having similar interests and being in the same spaces. Some examples are working, school gym, hobbies, and religious organizations. It’s also important to remember that friendships come in different forms in what I see as a layered circle. Of course, it’s natural to have movement between these layers there’s as we become closer with some folks and less friendly with others. Friendship levels

The next time that you’re in a social environment, see if you can apply some of these strategies to build connections with peers:

1. Ask relevant questions and assess what’s happening by looking at people’s faces. 2. Be aware of physical proximity and volume. Place yourself appropriately near others, observe their volume, and do the same. 3. Join in a conversation after observing and listening to what’s going on. Participate in reflective statements that show you’re listening. Show genuine curiosity about others’ experiences and avoid judgments. 4. Lay off self-criticism. Turn down the volume on the internal negative voice that guesses what other people are saying about you because it’s often wrong; stay present and engaged with what’s happening NOW. 5. Practice makes progress This is particularly true with chit-chat.  You don’t have to like this but you may need this skill at times. Practice in low-value/intensity situations: at the grocery store, at the dry cleaners, and at the library. “How are you today?” “Nice weather isn’t it?” ”Thanks for helping me.” Set a goal to engage in at least 1 brief exchange with someone each time you run an errand, go to the gym, or are at work. Enjoy connecting with others and sharing what’s special and fun about you while receiving what’s interesting and compelling about others.  This is a give and take, which will enrich your life in countless ways.  

Ask Dr. Saline

 

Want to ask Dr. Saline a question? Click Here

Become A Member

Please become a member of my newsletter community. You can find support and resources and connect with a group that understands your questions and needs. Click here  Follow me on social media: YouTubeFacebookTwitter, and Instagram. Invite Me to Speak | Join A Group | Newsletter | Read my blog  

Sign-up for my newsletter today and receive 10% off!

Relationship Rescue for ADHD Couples

Family picture torn with divorce

Relationship experts answer reader questions and share their ADHD marriage advice for couples where at least one partner has an attention deficit.

Read More>>

Key Points:

    • “How Do I  Handle My Spouse’s Mood Changes?”
    • “I Resent Having to Give My Partner with ADHD Constant Reminders”
    • “Will Our Unhealthy Relationship Affect Our Kids?”
    • “Can We Achieve Unconditional Love?”

Tips for Homework Routines with ADDitude Magazine

Books on a desk

Learn more about how to establish healthy habits with your child.

Watch More>>

“If your child is taking medication, know that we want to do the homework as soon as they get home from school before the meds leave their body. The most effective thing you can do: come home, have a snack, do your homework, get it out of the way while the meds are still working, and then you can have fun.”

 

The ADHD Conflict Resolution Guide: Tools and Scripts for Settling Disagreements

Woman and man arguing

Conflict – within families and in other relationships – is normal. But disagreement can grow heated when ADHD sparks anger, impulsivity, and intense emotions.

Read More>>

The best way to handle conflict is to prepare for it by creating a conflict resolution plan in advance. Here, find scripts and ideas for handling disagreements with tools like reflecting listening, the STAR method, and more.

  • Conflict Resolution 101
  • Conflict Resolution Strategy #1: Use Reflective Listening